RuPaul’s Drag Race Ep. 1: Can I get an Amen in here?

Tyra, is that you?

As if she ever looked that good. RuPaul’s doesn’t look like she’s missed a beat since the last time she had a TV show ten years ago. She looks simply scrumptious. Of course, you would too if you were photographed through a tub of vaseline and your makeup artist has the precision of a surgeon. So prepare to be doused by buckets of beauty and blinded by Diva behaviour, and left gasping for more on a weekly basis.

I simply must say that I think I died and went to heaven because this show has everything. Not since the first season of Project Runway have I fallen so hard so fast. We have beauty, we have bitchiness, we have assless pants. I feel like I just had a baby, albeit one covered in sequins and glitter, and can’t wait to see what it will do next. Before I lose control of my bladder again, let’s meet the girls!

Bebe

She is a gorgeous gal from Cameroon, Africa, has modeled, and like most of these girls, has no boyfriend. That’s a tragedy, though she does look like she could tear you in half. She loves the Lion King and brings an international flair to the competition. Regrettably, she is too old for Angelina to adopt.

Jade

This one looks like a blonde Sandra Bulloock in her interview but seems very versatile. She does Britney Spears, loves JLo and Versace. Kind of boring but if she can pull out some JHo style Diva behaviour I might change my mind about her, but I’m not feeling her yet.

Akashia

This is my Cleveland girl. She got her drag name from The Queen of the Damned by Anne Rice (love her already), has a wicked sense of humor and a body to die for. Girl, when you come back to the mistake by the lake we need to do lunch. You pick, I pay. I am choosing her as my personal favorite to win.

Nina Flowers

She’s the latin Nina Hagen who loves Cindy Lauper and has a boyfriend. She lives in Denver now, is Mr. Clean bald and looks the most like a guy when he’s out of drag. (Having more tattos than a Hell’s Angel doesn’t hurt.)

Rebecca Glasscock

A self proclaimed ditzy blond, she has huge lips and works a pretty fabulous chola eyebrow. Also, one of the best drag names ever.

Shannel

Here is our Vegas showgirl. She loves Cher, obviously, seems a little full of herself and if you watched any of the outtakes you wanted to shove her wig down her throat to shut her up. She is amazingly gorgeous, borderline flawless.

Tammie Brown

This is the kind of classic queen that worships at the altar of Joan Crawford and Bette Davis, whom she bears more than a passing resemblance to. She loves working with children, is sweet and funny but scares me sometimes. She doesn’t talk very much and her facial expressions are demure madness. I want to see her unleash the crazy by sabotage, eyedrops in the other girl’s water glasses and shoe polish in their foundation would be a nice start.

Victoria Parker

Aka porkchop, she’s a chubby gal who has been doing drag before some of these queens were even born. She adores Bob Mackie and Elizabeth Taylor, is a good cook and calls herself the Paula Deen of drag. She is southern, like most of the gender illusionists I’ve known in my lifetime, and has the teensiest eyes I’ve ever seen, giving her a slightly (cough, cough) porcine appearance.

Ongina

Our tiny teacup Filipino cutie pie. She lives in L.A. and loves Beyonce and Christian Lacroix. So adorable but can she do fierce beauty? I get more of a club kid kind of vibe from her, so we will have to wait and see.

After an L.A. montage that includes a high heeled shoe stuck in a manhole cover, Shannel is the first to walk into the workroom they will be sharing for the duration of the show. She makes quite an entrance in a get-up that would make a Vegas hooker blush and sports pants that are missing a certain back portion of fabric.

Where a woodchuck tucks if a woodchuck could tuck wood.

Nina arrives next and has an insane reverse pear shaped wig on that reminds me of those Bicycle helmets that they wear in the Tour de France, if they were made out of Donald Trump’s hair. Her makeup looks as if it were airbrushed, it’s that perfect and she tells Shannel that she started putting it on at 5 am. Girl is dedicated, right down to the shading of her chest. She has an androgynous punk thing going on that would be scary if it wasn’t for the fact that she seems so sweet.

Rebecca comes in next, looking like just another latina shopping for fake Prada bags on the lower east side during her lunch break from working at Century 21. Ongina arrives, followed by Victoria in all her red headed southern chub glory. Akashia comes in wearing a green lace-up number that has Frederick’s of Hollywood written all over it. She says that if she was a girl she’d be a stripper or a slut so I’ll give her points for accuracy.

Hollywood Tammie walks in wearing a powder blue dress that starts at the neck and ends below the knee, full-on Stepford Wife with a little Mildred Pierce thrown in for good measure. Jade has the Puerto Rican Milf look down pat and Bebe could totally pass for the hot legal secretary from Africa who spends her work days filing her nails and not much else because all the Junior Partners want to do her, and no one has the guts to ask her to actually do anything after they saw the stiletto she keeps in her desk drawer.

Air kisses are shared by everyone and it’s time for Dapper Ru to tell them about their first photo shoot. He arrives out of drag in a beautiful suit and all the girls are obviously awed. It’s like a Catholic meeting the pope or a Protestant opening their first bottle of booze. The excitement is palpable as Ru gives them the prize package rundown, what drag queen doesn’t want Mac cosmetics, photo shoots and Grand Marshalling a gay pride parade? And that $20,000 will go a long way at Sally’s Beauty Supply Store.

Photographer Mike Ruiz is there to shoot pictures of the girls on a car getting doused with buckets and hoses of water by two big burly hunky black guys, so I’m a little confused. Isn’t this more like a reward? Or at the very least, a normal day on the West Side Highway? Either way, I’d switch places with them in a heartbeat.

Tammie is up first and gives it her campy all, lolling her tongue around and flashing that maniacal smile. She opens her mouth and they spray the water right down her throat.

I thought that there wasn’t going to be a gag reflex challenge.

Showgirl Shannel bends over the car in her assless showgirl pants, telling Ru that she had to have them because they were “half off.” I have a feeling that this is only the tip of the nudity iceberg for our Vegas flasher.

Pork chop Victoria doesn’t seem very sexy or comfortable with this scenario but does his best not to look too ridiculous as he washes down the two hunks. At least tucking can hide those boners, huh Porkchop? I feel bad for her because she seems so out of place, even more so than any plus sized model that has been on ANTM.

Nina is fabulous, totally gets into it and could give a crap that she’s soaking wet and those hours of makeup application are slowly sliding down her face. Ru remarks that he thinks they have their cover for Drag Race magazine and it’s hard to argue, except for the fact that I’m not feeling sexy girl here, just fierce drag punk.

Akashia gets compared to Naomi Campbell by Ru and she’s so unhappy about getting wet that she forgets to throw her cell phone at the photographer before stripping her pants off right in the parking lot. She’s all, “my vagina got wet,” and as she walks away in her little g-string, I almost beleive that she might have one. That feeling ends when she goes back to the drag workroom and removes her chicken cutlet tits.

They’re still bigger than Naomi Campbell’s.

Ongina is cute, like a little asian flamenco whore, and Bebe turns it on even though it’s obvious that she too is pissed about the water ruining her wig and makeup. She starts pretend crying and says that “this is such a sad story.”

Definitely not the kind of happy ending you’re used to.

Jade looks good and has a gigantic JLo ass, she and Rebecca could pass for real girls more than anyone else, and this shoot proves it.

Now that everyone is done with the shoot, it’s time to remove the makeup and wigs and see what they look like under all the glitz and glamour. The biggest surprises are Nina’s tattoos and wife-beater, making her look like a truck driver, and the carpet of eyebrows that Tammie must have to spackle to keep hidden. She must be related to Andy Rooney.

Jade is a really cute boy, so much so that Akashia says that she might even be a lesbian with her. Ugh. Two drag queens going at it? That’s almost as bad as the video I saw the other day of women having sex with fences and amusement park rides (don’t ask).

Rebecca insists that her lips and nose are real, after being put on the spot by Akashia, and I’ll buy it for now because even if they’re not she still has the best name out of all of them so I don’t really care.

Dapper Ru is back to announce the next challenge. It’s called “Drag on a dime,” and they have to make an amazing outfit out of thrift store clothing and Dollar store crap. There is much nail biting and raised eyebrows as the hunks from the previous challenge wheel in the junk on garment racks and shopping carts. And junk it is. I spot a foam footprint, lots of pool floatie noodles and garish sweaters. After a chant of the four things they’ll be judged on, “charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent,” they make a mad dash for the racks and then settle down into silence while they try to figure out what the hell to do.

While they’re all working Victoria regales the younger drag queens with stories of what it was like to be shot at and end up in the emergency room in full drag back in the 80s when you could get the crap beaten out of you just by hanging outside of a gay club. Maybe it is a little different in some big cities nowadays but I’ll bet that there is still plenty of gay bashing homophobia going on pretty much everywhere else. Hopefully that will change now that we are no longer a country ruled by an anti-gay president, and let’s take this moment to reflect and be thankful for people like RuPaul and Lady Bunny and all the old school queens who paved the way for a show like this to exist in the first place. Can I get an Amen?

Ru comes into the workroom and visits with all the girls like a taller and funnier Tim Gunn. Akashia is first and his garment is not showing much promise.

Even I can tell it’s short about ten pounds of sequins.

Nina’s is looking good, as is Shannel’s, but Victoria’s resembles a “Bette Midler luau,” which doesn’t look nearly as good as that description might sound. Rebecca’s is shapeless and looks like it went “straight from the hanger to the dress form.”

Before leving them to their work, Ru tells them to “make me proud and don’t fuck it up.” Easier said than done, and time is ticking away.

The little hand is on the wig and the big hand is on the assless chaps.

It’s runway day and the workroom is so hot that the makeup is sliding off as soon as it’s applied. This goes double for our poor chubby Porkchop and Akashia insults her by saying that maybe the makeup is scared to stay on her face. I think we have a front runner for Miss Congeniality and she better watch her back before Tammie lines her thong with Tiger Balm. They only have an hour and a half to get ready and I am amazed by how they pull it all together. If there is one thing these bitches are good at, it’s beating the time constraints and pulling off some incredible face painting.

RuPaul walks the runway in an amazing black lacey dress to her new song, “Cover Girl,” which sounds like something you would have heard at Paradise Garage in the early nineties, and that is a huge compliment. We meet our judges, author Merle Ginsberg, and Santino from Project Runway. I have a feeling that he is going to be a total bitch, something that Ru alluded to in our interview a couple of weeks ago. The guest judges are Mike Ruiz, the photographer and the one and only Bob Mackie! He designed all of Cher’s most fabulous costumes and is unrivaled in the world of glitz and glam, and I’m willing to bet that some of the money he made from Cher went to some of the best plastic surgeons in Hollywood because he looks younger and better than most men half his age.

When you arrive at the pearly gates, what do you want RuPaul to say to you?

First up is Nina and she has managed to make an outfit that is completely her, punk and thrift combined into one Divine/Tina Turner extravaganza.

Akashia looks like she spent ten minutes on her outfit and the other eight hours on making fun of everyone else, which she probably did. Santonio does not look impressed and even Ru’s joke about A-Kasha being part of a wholesome breakfast can’t save this half assed effort.

Baby Ongina is up next and she puts on a great show, acting like a silly little flapper in her plastic loufah ruffled dress. Spunky and funky, she has an adorable spark that I just love. She could make an absolute fortune if she chooses to go the kept boy in Thailand route.

Victoria hates her outfit and it’s not hard to see why. It looks like she’s wearing an entire putt-putt golf course and her lack of sewing experience painfully shows. She tries to camp it up at the end by eating what looks to be Ramen noodles out of her purse, and Ru yells out “Brigadoon!” If only she did look like something out of that Scottich Highland fantasy. But, sadly she looks more like something out of “Little Shop of Horrors.” And I say that with love.

Straight to Cameroon, as our Bebe is in her black/jungle print best and stalks the runway like a cat in heat. Ru’s banter is classic as she yells out “table for two?” when Bebe puts her scarf over her forearm.

Shannel and her piercing blue eyes strut the catwalk in a signature assless outfit that leaves our judges speechless and my eyes sightless. This girl needs to step out of her nudity clause and into some drawers because I do not need to see her tush every five seconds. The judges must feel the same way because they do not utter a sound, the butt is doing enough talking for all of us.

I have a feeling that she is going to shove that tush down our collective throats until someone puts a stop to her madness.

Jade is next and she is working a jungle outfit that rivals Bebe’s for Lion Queen supremacy, complete with Tiki torch.

Rebecca saunters down the stage with an outfit almost as uninspiring as Akashia’s. It’s boring black with tin foil cut outs, and the only thing that is less interesting than her ensemble is her pathetic, uptight walk. Girl doesn’t look like she even knows how to work a pair of heels. She has the body but cheats herself by walking like a zombie. At least she gives good face.

Tammie is the last contestant and she looks like Bette Davis in her “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane” phase. I love her luminesence and kitschy expressions. I don’t think that she’ll go very far, but she knows her niche and does it well.

Ru asks Jade, Shannel, Bebe and Tammie to step forward. They are all safe and can carry on to the next week. I wasn’t surprised by this and you probably weren’t either, unless you are a super fan of clothes without ass coverings or old movie stars that will kill you in your sleep.

They critique the rest, starting with Ongina, whose name Merle calls a combination of a heart attack and a yeast infection. They love her outfit, saying that it looks like Carrie Bradshaw goes to Rio but she still looks like a little boy.

Rebecca gets called out for her skirt being too short even though Bob Mackie loves her cute belly button. Calm down Mr. Mackie, you could have made a better dress out of the lint you found in there.

Victoria admits that this is the first time she has ever sewn anything other than a button and it is admittedly terrible but Santino applauds her use of color. Huh? She looks like a Christmas tree that was ransacked by a cat. He also comments on her photo shoot picture, saying that she looked like a double stuffed oreo between the two black hunks. That’s pretty mean but I would have loved to have been in her shoes, so screw him.

Akashia gets decimated. Everyone agrees that she was acting too demure for her personality, that the dress was unflattering and Santino says she looks like she’s about to dole out $20 hand jobs.

Not for you, Santino. Not for you.

They all admire Nina’s efforts, Ru going so far as to say that she was giving so much in the photo shoot with the hunks that she may need to take a pregnancy test. I agree, she can really work it. The only criticism she got was that they would like to see if she had a softer side. There is no s-o-f-t in fierce, my friends. She would make Christian Siriano go apoplectic with her fierceness.

The judges deliberate and it’s pretty clear who the favorites are and who is going to be at the bottom. They call them back and Ongina is safe, along with Rebecca, and Nina is the winner! She gets immunity for the next challenge and a 3 night stay at the Paris Casino in Las Vegas where she will scare the clientele in or out of drag. Perfect!

We have Porkchop Victoria and Akashia left. What else do we have? A lip synching competition! They will lip synch for their lives along to RuPaul’s hit “Supermodel” and the best girl wins. Akashia pretty much blows Porkchop away and our chubby almost falls off the runway after too many twirls. I think our little piggy’s journey is coming to an end. I’m sad but how do you drag for over two decades and never learn to sew? Not good.

The girls have finished their routines and here comes the elimination phrases. Chante means you stay, Sashay means you go away, and our poor Victoria “Porkchop” Parker is asked to sashay away. Ru tells him to continue what he does best and inspire the children, and we couldn’t have had a more gracious loser.

Did you pack your knives?

What did you all think? Did you love it? Instant classic, for me. Who annoys you? Who do you love? Twunty needs to know! For once in my life, I wish I had a penis just so i could be on this show, it’s that good. Thank you, God. I get to recap a show that entertains from start to finish. Oh, and I apologize for the lateness, trust me, it couldn’t have been helped. Real life gets in the way sometimes.

Love and Kisses, Twunty McSlore