RuPaul’s Drag Race: Let the Bitchiness Begin!

The Vaseline shortage in L.A. just reached critical mass.

I’m still sad about Porkchop’s premature elimination last week, as were some of you, but I don’t think that this week would have been much better for her. Maybe if they had led with a comedic talent challenge we’d still be enjoying her presence. I’d like to think of her sitting on her porch in North Carolina, cackling her rump off while she watches what the girls left behind have to go through this week. This is some high stress and there are plenty of hurt feelings to go around.

If you’ve watched Project Runway or Top Chef you know that those producers always include plenty of the drama that goes on behind the scenes in whatever living quarters the contestants are sharing. At the beginning of this episode we only get a few seconds’ glimpse of the girls’ digs as they’re waking up. There isn’t enough shown to get a read on their surroundings so I’m just going to assume that the wig budget was so huge that the show could only afford to put them up in the local YMCA. Which is fine since God knows it’s been a part of gay culture for years and a fine instution to crash at when your family throws you out on your sequined derriere.

Our chickadees assemble in the workroom for this morning’s Shemail in which Ru alludes to the next challenge and mentions Diana Ross and the Supremes. We’ve got a girl group challenge on the way! So we’re stepping it up a notch this week with not just sewing, hair and makeup, but choreography too. And two teams of four. Oh dear. What’s the chance that these Divas can get along in a situation of cooperation and dick-tatorship? None, thankfully.

To figure out who will lead each group, the hunky Pit Crew from last week brings in cameras for all the girls. Ru will give them a different scenarios like, “You just found out that your $10,000 Louis Vuitton bag is fake,” and they must take snapshots of their own expressions. When Ru says, “Cher just announced that she’s retiring for real,” everyone looks shocked and dismayed except for Akashia who takes a photo of herself emiting a loud laugh. Drag blasphemy! She’s lucky that the drag Godesses on high didn’t strike her dead.

Laugh now, there will be plenty of time for crying when Michelle gets her claws out. Trust me.

The last expression is for “Somebody cut the cheese,” followed by appropriate ‘pee-u’ expressions and it’s time for Ru to announce the winners. Little Ongina comes in first, followed by Akashia. I was a bit surprised by this choice since I thought that everyone else’s were better. But we are here for maximum drama so I can’t complain too much about the decision.

They pick teams and it worked out this way with Tammie getting picked last;

Ongina’s team: Shannel, Nina and Rebecca

Akashia’s team: Jade, Bebe and Tammie

They do the obligatory C.U.N.T. chant and Ru leaves two cards on the table with a song written on each of them. Since he’s leaving it up to them to decide which group is doing which song, Akashia does the sweet, ladylike thing and snatches them both up off the table before Ongina can even stand up. She resorts to the only thing she can do and hops up on the bitch’s back.

(Scratch her eyes out, Ong! I won’t tell.)

The two songs they have to pick from are hits from Destiny’s Child.

Akashia picks “Independent Woman” for her team and Ong is left with “Say My Name.” Ongina gets right to work, assigning Shannel makeup duties, Rebecca Outfits, Nina wigs and herself choreography. Take a wild guess who wants to make all the decisions for this group? It’s showgirl Shannel, the queen of tact. This girl’s ego and sense of entitlement make her so hard to like sometimes even though I truly do want to like her. I hope it’s just the editing.

Akashia’s team has Bebe on hair, Jade choreography, Tammie is doing the outfits and Akashia picks makeup for her task. Mmm hmm. The easiest one. How much you want to bet that she doesn’t even help anyone apply it? No takers? Didn’t think so. Any hoo, everone’s bitching so much that they don’t even notice as the Pit Crew wheels the hair and fabric into the room.

Swoon. I think that these two deserve their own show. They can just stand around or take showers together or comb my hair and rub my back…..oopsy! Got distracted!

Two of the future ex-Mr. McSlore’s.

The wigs look pretty fabulous and Ong’s team heads over to check them out. This is no Kim Kolziak, Real Housewives of Atlanta crap. This is Renee of Paris, baby. That Kolziak chick wouldn’t know a decent wig if it came up and slapped her in the face.

Which is exactly what NeNe is doing in her mind in this picture.

But I digress. As the groups get to work, Shannel tries to tell Nina what to do and Nina calls her arrogant. She asks that everybody shut up and trust her and I agree. At least let her get her ideas formed before you throw your opinion down the poor girl’s throat! Tammie, on the other hand is being completely dismissed by everyone on her team. She is basically being ordered around and looks like she is on the verge of tears. When she says that Akashia isn’t acting like Beyonce, she is morphing into her, she’s putting it mildly.

Jade keeps her trap shut and I’m not buying it when she says she couldn’t back up Tammie because she’s not the leader. She didn’t back up Tammie because she doesn’t mind a scapegoat, as long as it’s not her and who could blame her? With the way the claws are out already?

Shannel’s makeup diagram designs are gorgeous, with slight variations for everyone on her team. I love the jewels around the eyes. As much as she is freaking bossy, at least she can bring it when it comes to her own assignment. She is a professional makeup artist, after all.

“This is where I’m going to stab you in the eye, here’s where the acid I’m going to throw will hit you, all professionally done, of course!”

On the other team, surprise, surprise! Akashia uses three eyeshadows, only diagrams the eyes on the templet, lays out the aforementioned eyeshadow pots and tells them to create their own. Can I get a bitch slap up in here? Is she just lazy or inept, or is she pushing people’s buttons because she can? There is no good answer to this. I mean, the least she could do is bring it with a sense of humor or entertain the other girls while she sits on her ass. This one isn’t fit to carry one of Ru’s fingernails, let alone win the competition.

Being a bitch is sooo exhausting!

It’s time to run through the choreography that Jade has created for her team. She’s a dancer and the routine is simple enough for all the girls but Tammie is struggling with it. Jade says that she is one dimensional and that’s probably true. She really does seem out of her element.

Shannel critiques her team’s wigs, saying that they’re too Texas pageant, and the outfits are teeny bopper/stripper. Um, really? This is coming from a girl who can’t keep her ass in her pants. She also can’t keep a single opinion to herself. If she wants to act like a bitch Nina should treat her like one and muzzle her. I have to give Ongina credit though because she has kept her team from decending to the Lord if the Flies depths that Akashia’s has sunk to. That enfant terrible won’t even do Bebe the courtesy of trying her wig on since she “won’t put a wig on without makeup.” She is really starting to chap my ass.

We finally get a little comedy releif when Ru walks in right after someone has farted and catches them furiously trying to wave the smell away. Pretty apropos since something is starting to smell in there and it starts with an A and ends in one too.

Ongina shows Ru a little bit of the footwork she has planned and it is way too complicated and Ru tells her so. Watching the two of them dance together with their height difference is like watching Tommy Tune dance with Mickey Rooney.

Shannel shows the makeup sketches and Ru remarks that every single one of them is of a certain showgirl from Vegas and asks her if she’ll pull some “Showgirls” kind of sabatage by throwing beads across the stage to trip up the other contestants. Shannel says, “Never, never, ever!” And why would she? She’s already won this competition in her own mind.

Ru tells Tammie that she needs to stand up for herself and walks over to Akashia who is firmly planted on her ass half asleep while everyone else is hard at work. Too bad corporal punishment isn’t allowed on this show because I’m pretty sure that Ru would have smacked the shit out of her instead of reminding her that she’ll be judged on how good of a leader she is.

Ru brings out Michelle Williams of Destiny’s Child, who will be the guest judge this week. Lots of ooos and ahhhs even though when he announced that someone from the group was there to meet them, you know they were all hoping for Beyonce. We have a weird moment when Ru says that Michelle has had a lot of girl group experience and she answers, “Yes, sir!” I can see the rusty wheels in her brain backtrack and she fidgets and says “Yes, yes, yes,” like she’s not sure if Ru is a Sir or a Ma’am. As long as Ru is out of drag I don’t think that he minds the ‘sir.’ He is in a suit, after all. She’s asked to give them a little advice and she says, “Serve up a big platter of fierceness but the main thing is to respect each other.” Did Beyonce feed her that line of claptrap or did she come up with it after she drank all the booze in the Green room? Maybe I’m being a bit hard on her or maybe she’s a tad on the delusional side.

Or maybe she graduated from the Paula Abdul Vicodin School for Judges.

Drunk or sober, I don’t think that she could have kept up with the crazy complicated choreography that Ongina shows her group. Shannel is worried that she’ll be the one who screws up. God, I hope so. Ongina says that if anybody messes up she’s going to cut them. If it’s Shannel, I will sharpen that Hello Kitty nail file for you, my dear.

It’s preshow prep time and the girls only have an hour and a half to get ready. We find out that Ongina’s group is named ‘Serving Fish.’ I think that in honor of Shannel they should have named themselves ‘Showgirl’s That Forget Underwear’ or STFU, for short.

Akashia names her group Dancing Drag queen Divas or 3D. Nobody else likes it but this is not a democracy, girls. She says that she needs some liquor and that is the one thing that I can agree with her on. Tammie is acting like she is already sauced, calling Bebe an African cherry and just saying a whole lot of crap that makes zero sense. Shannel is tearing around the workroom, trying to get her entire team into makeup at once, driving everyone crazy and if you ever doubted that a queen could do a fabulous eye roll, here’s the proof.

“In Cameroon it is legal to kill crazy people.”

“In latina culture, cutting you is a sign of respect.”

It’s show time, folks! Which means it is also time for Ru to don a show-stopping gown. I’d like to know where she gets them. You can’t just walk into a boutique and ask for a 42 extra extra long Bob mackie, or can you?

Seriously, who’s going to say no to a seven foot tall black man?

In addition to Michelle and our regular judges we have Frank Gatson who has choreographed and directed enough videos to win five MTV awards. Michelle is wearing one of the drabbest dresses I have ever seen and with the way she dips and sways behind the judge’s table, I’m guessing that Paula Abdul lent her some valium to get her through this difficult task.

Watch it girl, you’re making these ladies look sane.

First up is Ongina’s group and they are a little sloppy but they look completely amazing. The silver dresses with the star cut-outs are cute and tailor made for each girl so kudos to Rebecca for that. On the other hand, Nina is blowing the choreography something awful and every time I see Shannel’s face she is totally out of synch with the lyrics. But hey, wait a minute…

Who let Kimora Lee in here?

She does look like a miniature version of her, right? I can’t be the only one thinking this. Rebecca looks a little stiff but she is so freaking beautiful that I didn’t even notice it until the second time around. So, a little stumbling but they looked fantastic.

3D comes out to do their thing and one picture says it all:

Akashia’s complete lack of effort shows as she stumbles and bumbles around the stage, Bebe hams it up hardcore to try and make up for her and poor Tammie who has an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction thirty seconds into the routine.

Maybe she should have spackled her nipples along with her eyebrows.

I’m feeling so sorry for her but she did make the outfits, so she can only blame herself.

Jade looks amazing, her transformation from boy to woman is nothing short of astounding.

It’s judging time and it’s obvious that Nina is lucky that she has immunity because she really did stink up the stage. They all agree that the costumes are great, the makeup is flawless but then the judges spoil it by asking each girl who they think should go home. Ongina throws herself “under the bus,” (God, I hate that phrase!) and Rebecca picks Shannel because she sees her as her biggest competition. In the end it doesn’t matter because their team wins with Ongina singled out as the individual winner. And what does she get this week? A trip to Cabo? A lifetime supply of eyelashes? Nope, she gets sparkling wine and chocolates.

Lamest valentine’s Day tie-in ever.

It’s time for Karma to bite our Cleveland gal in the ass. She gets singled out on her team for being “a poison apple that radiates bad energy,” by Santino and that was the polite bit. Michelle really lays into her for messing up such simple choreography. She acts like she really has it in for her and Akashia justs stands there, putting that wall up, and telling herself that she “brought it.”

“I can’t hear you, I can’t hear you.”

Santino compliments jade’s dance routine and they tell Tammie that she seems out of her element here. That is painfully obvious, just like the buzzards that have been circling over her head since the beginning of this episode. She makes a crazy sad face and when Ru announces her and Akashia as the bottom two who have to lip synch to Michelle William’s “hit” ‘We Break the Dawn,’ you just know she’s going down.

Akashia smokes her. How is it that she memorized the words of this song yet flubbed a routine that was handed to her on a silver platter? Girl’s priorities need a little straightening out.

Tammie doesn’t know the words and she dances a little but it’s time for her to go back to her real life..

As Brad Dourif’s startstruck younger brother.

I feel sad now because we lost the chubby funny veteran last week and the crazy Hollywood glamour girl this week. I can honestly say that I have no idea who is going home next.

So, that’s it for this week, but not before our resident flasher gets one last butt shot in.

It’s pathological, I tell you!

What did you guys think? Did Tammie just lay down and die or was she screwed to begin with? Is Shannel simply arrogant or is she as calculatedly catty as they come? And Akashia. Lordy, lordy, have at it. Love and kisses, Twunty McSlore