RuPaul’s Drag Race: How in Trying to be Oprah, One Could Very Well Fall on One’s Ass

Oh my goodness and holy ornamentation with a big dollop of outrageous shenanigans and drag mishaps 101. I think I screamed and whooped several times while watching this and my boyfriend looked at me like I was riding the Anne Heche/Margot Kidder looney train, which maybe I am. Every once in a while when I get really dressed up, I feel like I’m impersonating a female and I indentify more with the crazy in people than I do the so-called sane. That is why this show is tailor made for me. It’s starting to get really funny, more unintentional than scripted, which is why we watch this stuff in the first place, right? Strap yourself in, Gasmii, this is one hell of a ride.

We start off with everyone gathered in the workroom with some of the girls lamenting the loss of Tammie and how her quirky presence will be missed. That’s news to me because we didn’t see anybody treating her with much more than disdain and mockery. Bebe compliments Akashia’s performance in the lip synch-off last week, but Jade is still pissed because she didn’t do half the work in the Girl Group challenge that Tammie did. I see her point but it was obvious that our Bette Davis eyed gal was sick of it all and wanted to go home. She would have rocked a movie star challenge like nobody else but that’s water under the glitter bridge now.

It’s SheMail time and Ru mentions Shaniqua, the first drag queen in the garden of Eden, coveting Eve’s pumps and volia, the first drag inspiration was born. Great women in history have inspired great drag queens and you have to be open to draw from people you might least expect would inspire you. The girls get excited, beleiving that this will be an impersonation challenge but first they have to answer a few questions that will clue them into who it might be. The Pit Crew hands out clipboards for the girls to write their answers on. She cautions them to guard their boards so the shady queen next to them can’t copy what they write down.

Don’t worry, Bebe. She doesn’t pay any attention to anyone other than herself.

The answers end up being, Chicago, Gale (did you guys know that was Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz’s last name? I’ve watched that movie a hundred times and didn’t remember that tid bit.), and Harpo. Ru asks everybody what these words have in common and the Pit Crew reveals a picture of Oprah.

Can I get the job as Pit Crew oil changer next season? (call me, Ru!)

We have varied responses from the girls. Shannel remarks that she thinks that the big O should be president (please, more people watch her show in any given week than the amount that voted in the last election. To them, she already is more powerful than the President) and that O and Cher are Gods to her. Before Ru leaves, he tells them that they can use outfits provided by my future ex-husbands or their own clothing to channel their own inner Oprah. Then he reminds them not to muck it up because they only have three hours to get ready. I feel bad for Nina because she isn’t familiar with Oprah, having grown up in a household with meager means, but isn’t the Oprah Show broadcast everywhere? Uh, all 50 states plus Puerto Rico? If his family only got Telemundo on their TVs, that’s sad, but have you seen those shows? No wonder he’s a drag queen. The men on their soap operas wear more makeup than Christina Aguilera at a Halloween party, and are prettier too.

It’s time to find out why Shannel worships Oprah so. It turns out that our showgirl used to weigh 217 pounds and O was her inspiration to lose a lot of weight. Funny thing happened, though. She gained it all back in her fat head.

Not that I don’t admire her efforts to lose 60 pounds, that takes tons of willpower and strength of character, but did she miss every other show? She really could have used Oprah’s advice on a couple of other topics.

Like humilty, modesty, the pros and cons of assless pants, and shutting your mouth once a year.

They only have three hours to get it together and for some bizarre reason Rebecca decides to make her own outfit. Maybe she thinks this will impress the judges but nobody’s going to be impressed if she doesn’t make it in time. Jade is a wee bit confused and seems to think that she has to get into blackface in order to do a proper Oprah so she borrows some makeup from Bebe. Shannel starts laughing at her and finally sets her straight but you could tell that she didn’t want to. Somebody else would have told her anyway, so she removes the brown face paint.

This isn’t a minstrel show, sweetheart.

Ru Gunn comes in to have a heart to heart with Akashia whose face is looking like it was injected with half of Lube Stop and a ham hock, then wrapped in butcher’s twine.

She said to channel Oprah, not Porkchop.

Ru asks her how she can relate to Oprah and Akashia says that she is a giving person, that she has let friends stay with her when they were down and out, which is cool. I think that most of us have done that at some point in our lives, either being the couch surfer or the surfee. I wouldn’t have lasted a month in New York if it wasn’t for the kindness of people I worked with, sometimes after only knowing them a few days.

Ru talks Nina out of a hideous caftan dress that looks like it belongs in the remnant bin at Goodwill and tells Shannel that her outfit is too couture but does she listen? That girl was born with cotton in her ears, so hell no. Rebecca throws a little shade her way by saying that big jewels and loud costumes cover up a lack of talent. She is not hiding her jealousy very well and I love it. I am dying for a good catfight, but it ain’t gonna happen in this episode. I’m patient, though. We still have plenty of time for that at a later date.

Bebe is on the right track with her business woman angle. She is the most level headed of the bunch so her attitude will no doubt give her a bit of an edge over everyone else.

Before leaving, Ru tells them that they will be judged on how well they do in three catagories representing Oprah’s career trajectory; Anchorwoman, product placement a la Oprah’s Favorite Thing’s and celebrity interviewing. He tells them to remember what is expected from them because O has C.U.N.T. to spare.

And her name is Gayle King.

The anchorwoman challenge is chock full of stumbling and bumbling and I don’t know if I was laughing more at their terrible efforts or RuPaul’s expressions while he watched them.

Only Rebecca and Bebe do well and Akashia is so bad that i doubt she took English past the third grade. To everyone’s credit, the producers did throw some Muslim names and hard to pronounce cities in there. But, Jade, what were you thinking with this get up?

Momma always told me, nothing screams professional career woman like a shiny belly shirt!

For the product placement they have their choice between a blowdryer and men’s under wear. Bebe goes for the undies and I can’t recall ever seeing a man in a pair that looks like this but then again, I don’t know too many rent boys.

Most of the girls pick the blowdryer and Nina’s take is by far the best though she seems a little confused when she tries to blow into it.

Oh, honey. They must make them much bigger in Puerto Rico. How much is a trip down there costing these days?

That’s going on my short list of things to do later.

Our celebrity interviewees are Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott. She was in 90210, he did some Lifetime movies, I beleive, and together they starred in that Masterpiece Theater worthy reality show, Tori & Dean. I guess that the two Coreys weren’t available so we will have to settle for this.

Bebe does very well, exhibiting grace and charm. Akashia, on the other hand, doesn’t even get up to shake hands.

They don’t teach those things at East Cleveland finishing school.

We need to chip in and send this girl to Miss Manners because she hits on Dean, gets up and sticks her ass in Tori’s face and doesn’t bother to say goodbye before walking off set. She must have better bridges to burn, I’m assuming. Ugh.

Nina has some trouble reading the cue cards and says “your HIV” instead of “yout HIT TV show,” and you would too if you had this distraction holding them. I think I would have gotten up to get a better look, though. Wouldn’t you?

Are the stalking laws terribly strict out there in California? Because I think I have another trip to make.

She recovers nicely and they end up having a nice conversation. Rebecca is next and Tori remarks that she couldn’t concentrate because she could not stop staring at her perfect lips and nose. I think she was making mental notes for her next visit to the plastic surgeon. Rebecca’s dress actually came out pretty nice and she acts as if she is really listening unlike a certain showgirl we know and love.

It’s Shannel’s turn to take over interviewing duties and she should knock it out of the park, right? Someone so fabulous and perfect and knowledgeable in all things Oprah should put the rest of the girls to shame, for sure. Nope, the shame is all hers as she asks too many questions at once, doesn’t wait for answers and talks so much, so fast that she tells Tori that “you are one of my truest fans,” by mistake. Or was it? You have to wonder. And what is with her outfit? Is she attending a new wave beauty pageant in outer space with a military theme? Oh, okay, then it’s perfect!

Jade is nervous and stilted and they spare us most of her time with the couple. Plus, I’m pretty certain that Oprah never came on her show in a belly shirt with a peek-a-boo hole for her cleavage, but I could be wrong. I’ll have to look that up.

Ongina does really well, laughing and chatting with them like they’re old friends. It looks like this is the interview that Tori enjoyed the most and it probably came as a huge releif to talk with someone who acts like a normal person after the last two girls.

After everyone is assembled back in the workroom, it’s cocktail time! I wondered when the Absolut was going to show up! I don’t drink vodka but I may have to buy it this once because the bottle is amazing. It has disco ball mirrors all over it so I can hang it from my basement ceiling with a spotlight trained on it and relive the old Pyramid Club days.

What transpires next has me wondering if Dean is a little too metrosexual because his toenails are painted and he has no difficulty walking in eight inch lucite platform shoes. I shudder to think of what goes on in the Spelling/McDermott bedroom so let’s just agree not to go there.

The next day finds our girls getting all dolled up in their own best drag so you know that the runway is going to explode in optimum ornate opulent over-kill with oodles of ……..Holy crap! Look at those tits! They’re huge!

But still no where near large enough to hold her ego.

The guest judges this week are Howard Bragman, media consultant and Oprah imitator Debra Wilson Skelton from Mad TV. Ru’s gown is black sequins with white many pointed stars on it and she’s rocking a flawless Jayne Mansfield wig.

Shannel is first up and her Medusa costume is a little Halloweeny, if Halloween were a new wave party in outer space with a Mythology theme. So, yes, she’s nailed it again.

She does her showgirl walk and her face is scary enough to turn anyone into stone.

Maybe that’s how she plans on getting rid of the competition.

Ong is back to her bald head with a hat that resembles the inside of a speaker with a Barbie hanging off of it. Maybe this is a new wave Halloween party.

Rebecca is doing JLo if she lived in Santa Monica in 1974 and had a part as an extra in “Valley of the Dolls.” Gorgeous.

Nina is wearing a wig with an absolutely perfect flip. She looks so different than the punky girl we met initially that I am floored. Ru says she looks like Madonna at 50 and I love her South Beach pantsuit, it’s so Lilly Pulitzer.

Jade is wearing more of a sixties raven haired “I Dream of Jeanie” lounge number but she only half tucked so that’s going to cost her. Ouch.

Bebe comes out with one of those rag dogs from the Westminster Dog Show on her head and a leopard bodysuit under a huge monkey fur coat. She is a lioness all right, albeit one with padded hips.

Now here is the piece de resistance. Akashia falling on her ass. How many of you rewound it and rewound it and rewound it? Don’t feel bad. You are not alone. I just wished it wasn’t in such soft focus.

The judges love Ongina’s dress and Merle says that she prefers her bald, doing a 180 from two weeks ago when she said that she looked too much like a little boy. Nina is complimented for her versatility. She morphs into different characters effortlessly. Shannel’s amazing Medusa look doesn’t compensate for the fact that she doesn’t listen and never shows vulnerability. Her outfit was out of place in the Oprah challenge and Debra tells her that it’s not always about her. Rebecca is complimented on always looking gorgeous and listening to Tori and Dean but no one mentions the fact that her nose is way browner than the rest of her face. She needs to lay off the shading a bit. You don’t need all that thinning makeup when your nose is already perky and narrow. Akashia gets the harshest criticism for not giving her gown a test run befor falling on her butt. Howard calls her tragic and berates her for not standing up to greet Tori and Dean before the interview.

Bebe receives the most praise for her confidence and physical dignity and Debra calls her ShakaDianaTina the Lion. Some retarded celebrity is going to hear that and a new celebuspawn will be saddled with that moniker for the rest of their lives. Here’s hoping that Pilot Inspektor’s brother grows up to be a drag queen.

Jade gets called out for her bad tuck and terrible Oprah outfit. She acted nervous, uncomfortable and seemed rushed because of it. I think that she needs to show more personality or she’s going to be the next one on the chopping block.

They declare Ongina and Nina safe with Ru hoping that she gets her own show some day, and Bebe is the winner. Her prize is a chintzy looking stereo sound system and immunity for next week, which she probably won’t need. Rebecca and Jade are safe as well but they both have a long way to go before they can compete with the like of Bebe, that’s for sure.

Our bottom two. Shannel and tragic Akashia. They have to lip synch to Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love of All” and Shannel gives it her all. She is projecting her expressions to the cheap seats all the way in Santa Monica and we get another beautiful moment that I will always cherish.

Bye bye, wig. Hello jig!

As soon as I stop dancing around the room I notice that it hasn’t even fazed her, and she rips off her tits as well! And in the blink of an eye she’s gone from Medusa to Hellraiser’s Pinhead. How on earth is Akashia going to compete with that?!

You pick now to go all demure on us?!

It’s obviously Akashia’s time to sashay away and make her way back to the hotel bar for a farewell drink or ten, since that’s what she’s been doing every night since she got there. (yes, I watched the diary on Logo online and they should have had cameras in that bar! Maybe next season.) She knows that she deserved to go and starts crying for the first time in four years. Wow. Who goes four years without crying?

The Queen of the Damned, that’s who.

I’ve got to change my front-runner since I put all my eggs in Akashia’s basket and she disappointed me by being in the bottom two every damn time. Is is too obvious to pick Bebe? I’m going with her and Nina to make it to the finals, with Ongina a close third. I hope you all enjoyed this glitter fest like I did but will someone wipe down the lens a little bit? I feel like I’m watching half the show through a pair of opaque panty hose dipped in fairy dust. This show should come with special xray glasses for us mere mortals who have a much lower tolerance for such Olympian levels of glamour. Can’t wait til next week! Who do you think will go next? Love and kisses, Twunty McSlore