RuPaul’s Drag Race: Good Things Come In Small Packages

And here’s the proof.

Where to begin? This episode started out normal enough, or as normal as a show about drag queens can be. More bitchiness, more ego fueled blather from our showgirl, Shannel and plenty of fabulous hair and makeup. Then it took a turn into “oh no!” unexpectedness. We had a reference to one of the queens having a rather large c**k and then full-on tears, tears and weiners. Two things that should never, ever be in the same sentence together. The turn of events took me by surprise and I can be as big a baby as the next hormonal gal so this episode almost had me bawling. Onward.

The workroom has gotten a slight overhaul, and it’s no big shock that everyone notices it right away. For what could be worse to a self-absorbed beauty than blacked out mirrors? I think that a few of them caught a case of the vapors at the mere thought of being unable to gaze upon their own loveliness for an entire challenge. Zut alors! What dire black hole does Ru have in store?

If you can’t see yourself, do you really exist?

SheMail pops up on the television and Ru asks “Who do you think you are?” several times. Color me confused. When he comes out we find out that the mini-challenge consists of the girls being paired up to do each other’s makeup but not before I notice that Bebe is missing one of the sleeves of her shirt.

Maybe Porkchop ate it before she left.

We have a little convo about what a few of the girl’s faults are and I have to hand it to Shannel for actually listening and not opening her big trap when Ongina tells her that’s exactly what she needs to do more of. Ong hits the nail on the head when she says that Shannel can’t hear any criticism because she’s too busy thinking about what her response will be.

Call the men in black, I think an alien took over Shannel’s brain. Or maybe that’s what happened to Bebe’s missing sleeve. She gagged her with it.

Wow, this is some Invasion of the Body Snatchers shit. She kept her mouth shut the whole time!

Bebe thinks that Rebecca has a wall up, and ain’t that the truth. That girl spends more time trashing people behind their backs than she does shading her nose. If she has had any genuine interaction with any of the other girls, I certainly haven’t noticed it and with that attitude she will never be worthy to fill Ru’s shoes.

Nina says that Jade needs to trust her “inkstinks” more and stop being so guarded. Once again, very true and that accent of hers is killing me. In a good way. She’s not Charo incoherent but she definitely has her own special way with the English language.

So Ru tells them that they are going to do each other and here’s where I learn a new phrase. Did any of you know that “Hi Hi” meant two drag queens getting it on? I sure didn’t, but I would absolutely need to be “high high” to watch it.

They will have 30 minutes to do the makeup and will be judged on how well their partner looks. Rebecca is paired with Bebe who makes an awesome ‘I smell poo’ face. I feel you, Bebe. I think that’s what she shades her nose with.

I smell a dead queen.

Shannel and Ong are paired up which leaves Nina and Jade as our last duo. Jade gets right to work on Nina, and stays close to what Nina would have done herself. Bebe does a nice job of evening out rebecca’s skin and makes her look way prettier, in my opinion, than she did all of last week. Shannel says that no one there can do makeup better than her and I have to agree. She makes Ongina look really good. I wish I could say the same for the job that Ong does on Shannel but I’d be lying. Shannel bursts out laughing when Ru holds up a mirror to her because she basically has two eyebrows.

Yuck it up, baby, but be glad she didn’t use that eyelash glue on your mouth.

Rebecca and Bebe both say that it’s not the kind of makeup they would ever choose for themselves but don’t outright bash each other though you could tell that Bebe wanted to smash that mirror right over Rebecca’s condescending head.

Jade wins for doing Nina’s makeup. Huh? Shannel should have won, hands down. She’s a little upset and I don’t blame her. She keeps getting criticized and overlooked and the only thing I can say that might make her feel better is that maybe Ru expects more from her because she already holds her to a higher standard. Great things are expected from great people and Ru is no fool. Shannel needs to learn humility before she can be a truly great queen. I’m beginning to warm to our little egomaniacal showgirl (I know, I don’t show it much but I am) and like a few of you have said, I hope she learns quickly.

The Pit Crew reveals another poster this week, not of Oprah but of the landmark inaugural campaign that Ru did for Mac’s Viva Glam lipstick. She runs off a list of some of the famous faces that have been involved with the line over the years, Pam Anderson, Christina Aguilera and Linda Evangelista.

I’m sorry, what picture?

Yes, Gasmii. I’m still having issues with concentrating when the Pit Crew is around. How do they get anything done when there is Grade A beef like that in their work space? I need to start giving these gals a little more credit. They obviously can focus.

The big challenge is for them to do a 30 second promo/commercial for Viva Glam. They get ten minutes of over-all camera time with Jade getting 15 for winning the mini challenge. Now I get it! Ru probably picked her over Shannel because she couldn’t bear the thought of listening to that bag of wind for any more time than the bare minimum. Can you blame her?

Gordon Espinet, the VP of Makeup Artistry at MAC, introduces himself to the girls and tells them to be glamourous but to also show that they care because Viva Glam is one of the first products that donated all proceeds to HIV/AIDS research charities. It’s a tough challenge because you have to be upbeat and serious and make it work from both perspectives. You can’t be too serious because you are selling a fun product, after all, but you have to get the message across as well.

There is more cattiness in the workroom with Rebecca and Nina going at it over redoing the makeup. I say shut up and be thankful they took the black stuff off of the mirrors, you cows, or you’d still be relying on each other. Yes, that would have been hilarious but this challenge is hard enough as it is.

This is an important challenge on many levels. First and foremost, it involves AIDS/HIV charities, something near and dear to everyone in the gay community. If you are gay or have friends that are gay, it’s an unfortunate fact that you probably know someone who is afflicted. Bebe, having grown up in Africa, knows this all too well. I don’t know what the statistics are but I’m sure that they are through the roof. The other reason that this is so important is that whoever wins gets to be part of the new Viva Glam campaign. That is huge and will get you recognized in most of the Western World.

Rebecca seems to be the girl with the biggest case of the jitters, pacing back and forth and over thinking the situation, which she says is her worst enemy. I think that her lack of a personality is her worst enemy but let’s not get too picky.

Nina is first. Her English is halting but she gives good energy and has a fab hairpiece of braided doughnuts with longer hair sticking out. She glued them to her head forming yet another mohawk. Not terribly feminine but still very glam.

I’ll be photoshopping myself on that couch later.

Rebecca is up next. She says that she wants to keep it light but comes off as the exact opposite. She loses it when she starts to think of a friend of hers that is dying of AIDS and walks off the set. Ru tries to get her to come back but she locks herself in the bathroom. I feel bad for her, unlike Bebe who thinks that she is acting, maybe trying to work up some sympathy from the judges to make up for her lack of charisma. She could be right but those tears looked real to me.

And crying off that makeup wouldn’t be a bad thing either.

Jade looks like Lisa Lisa from her Cult Jam days and her jeans are way too tight and high up on her waist, still revealing her belly somehow. She stumbles through her prepared speech, does cartwheels and dances around with a whip. I’m not sure what cracking a whip has to do with lipstick or AIDS but it’s her schtick and she’s sticking to it.

Bebe comes out in full African Queen regalia and proceeds to recite her speech flawlessly. She Vogues a bit for the camera and leaves the soundstage without even needing to use her full ten minutes. This is no retiring wallflower. As a matter of fact, she seems a bit cocky to me afterwards.

Baby Ong is simply fabulous. She looks like a Fillipino bull fighter in her outfit, uses the balloons and the Pit Crew, is totally upbeat without over-doing it and she writes ‘celebrate’ on the plexiglass in front of the camera. They all wrote something but hers is the only one I could read clearly. I think we have a winner, folks.

Shannel, Shannel, Shannel. Girl, when you said that you were going to be more ‘Brian’ than showgirl I didn’t realize that Brian was a motormouth librarian from New Jersey. Even the Pit Crew is fed up. The gas from her endless story fills up the room and one of my future ex husbands almost passes out.

I know mouth-to-mouth, honey!

She would make a world class freediver because she never takes a breath! Also, imagine the blow job possibilities when you never need to come up for air, or not. I apologize for the visual, my brain went there and I couldn’t stop it.

And who woulda thunk it, she runs out of time. We get to see the first crack in the Shannel veneer when she admits that she blew it and feels stupid. The good news is that it is guaranteed that she will go all out on the runway to make up for it.

Ru is wearing another fabulous frock the next day on the runway. It’s Showboat meets Mae West at a southern tea party on the lawn under the Willow trees that great, great granddaddy planted after the war. Her wig is perfect and now that I think of it, she may have been one of the first queens I ever saw that used the hairline weave. It’s a mesh that you glue to your hairline and it gives a more natural look without slippage. At least that’s what I remember. If I’m wrong, I’m sure that one of you will correct me, and please do.

Our guest judges this week are Gordon from Mac and Jenny Shimizu, sporting the longest hair I have ever seen on her. She is famous for being an androgenous Calvin Klein model and one time girlfriend of Angelina Jolie. She’s fab and likeable.

Our first girl down the runway is Jade. She is wearing a dominatrix/Cher in Vegas number and a her signature long black wig with headband. Her walk is strong, befitting the feel of the outfit.

Bebe is wearing another catsuit this week with a huge hat she removes to reveal a pearl encrusted cap. Ru remarks that she looks like Josephine Baker if she were alive today. She’s still missing a sleeve, though. Maybe she’s saving it to shove down Rebecca’s throat this time.

Rebecca is trying to be punk with her short skirt and Paul Stanley eye makeup. She succeeds in looking like the last groupie to get off the Kiss tour bus and about as washed up. The judges say that her walk is better but I disagree. She can’t walk in heels and has a bit of a swayback that is totally unattractive. She is the opposite of smooth.

Ongina is her same cute self, another black and white number, bolero on the top and acres of tulle underneath. She carries herself like she is about two feet taller than she really is, head held high the entire time. Great attitude.

Nina is bringing it with feathers on her cuffs that are about three feet long. It’s a very original outfit despite the mundane pantsuit she paired it with. She stumbles a little but recovers nicely.

Oh, Shannel. I was right about you. You needed to ratchet it up and ratchet it up you did. Juggling on the runway? Check. Flawless maquillage? Check. Showing off your ass-ets? Check. I’m pretty sure she’s abailable for kid’s parties too, if the kid’s parents are Siegfred and Roy.

The judges weigh in on Jade first, with Ru commenting that her tuck is better and she asks her if it’s a matter of having more to hide than a normal body cavity can hold, which Jade confirms. So little Jade is packing! I wonder if Akashia ever got to be lesbians with her. It would go a long way in explaining how distracted she seemed at times. Santino spoils the mood by saying that she isn’t effective enough in her MAC commercial and that she needs to step it up.

Rebecca doesn’t fare much better and deservedly so. Her makeup sucked this week. She had white raccoon eyes in the MAC challenge and black raccoon on the runway. She didn’t give Ru much to work with before she ran off set and the whole “Kiss army meets Rizzo” thing is not impressing anybody. Boo hoo. She still has that wall up and it seems to be getting thicker by the minute.

Santino doesn’t like Shannel’s circus themed performance and likes her “Church Lady meets Sally Jesse Raphael” MAC outfit even less. She gets called out for yammering so much that she didn’t have any time to model during the challenge and once again, she takes it like a champ. Yay, Shannel! Keep it up, honey!

Nina loses points for the pantsuit but wins them back for the feather gauntlets that Gordon loves. She’s still presenting more as a man than the judges would like but her glam appeal doesn’t suffer for it. I think that next week we are going to see her effort at girliness because it’s been a constant theme with her and she knows it’s something she needs to work on. Covering up the tattoos would help.

And now for the portion of the show where Bebe gets showered with accolades. This is getting redundant. We also are treated to Santino’s GD-awful gutteral laugh when Jenny says that if these were the nineties she would be doing coke in a club with her. Words fail to describe how annoying he sounds. Ugh.

If this were the 90s, you’d be doing coke off Angelina’s ass right now.

The judges finish comisserating and the first one safe is Nina. Bebe is next and Ru backs me up on what I said about her last week. She didn’t even need the immunity. After Ru tells Rebecca she is in the bottom two she declares Baby Ong the winner. Sweetie pie breaks down crying and then confesses to everyone that the reason this means so much to her is that she has been living with HIV for the past two and a half years. Call the water department, Twunty feels a water main about to burst.

No words. I just want to give her a big Twunty hug.

I was shocked! Ongina is so upbeat, so friendly to everyone and arguably the nicest of the bunch, not that that means that she deserves it less, don’t get me wrong. She just carries this burden with such grace, never once did she feel sorry for herself, never once did she try to make herself a poster girl for HIV to get sympathy from the other girls or the judges. Nina says that she has balls to be announcing this to the world on television and to make things even sadder, Ong hasn’t told her parents yet. I hope that she got the chance to do so before this aired and I hope they took the news with love and support. I hope.

The entire panel seems stunned except for Ru who remains unusually calm. I wonder if he and the producers already knew.

Ru says that if one of us is in pain, all of us are in pain so we should be joyous so everyone can be. Sounded a little rehearsed to me but it’s a nice sentiment all the same.

Shannel is safe and she cries. The showgirl is human, after all. Good, and like I said, keep it up.

In the most anti-climactic elimination you could possibly imagine, Rebecca and Jade have their synch-off to “Would I Lie To You” by the Eurythmics. Neither girl knows all the lyrics and Jade’s dance background looks to be the deciding factor because she outshines Rebecca the whole time. She shimmies, shakes and even does a split while Rebecca’s performance would lead to her getting cut in the first round of video auditions for a Whitesnake cover band. So imagine, if you will, my face turning every shade of purple in the crayon box when Ru eliminates Jade. Come on!

I’m sorry, splits aren’t good enough for you? How about I sashay my heel all the way up her ass? It might improve her walk.

Jade is super pissed but hides it well until her exit interview when she calls Rebecca the fakest bitch she’s ever met in her life. I have a feeling that she’s going to get hers very soon. We are going to have a workroom full of angry queen bees next week and that is one hive I would stay far, far way from. Oh, and one more thing,

You didn’t think you’d get away without a butt shot, did you?

Whew! What an emotional roller coaster ride. I think that I can speak for us all in wishing Ongina well and praying that she has the support of her family.

AIDS/HIV is no small thing and we may be past the initial epidemic but when someone as young as Ongina gets infected I feel like I have to turn into a mother hen and remind everybody to wear a damn condom! There is no cure yet. Stay safe and tell your idiot friends who still insist on going bareback that you are going to make them watch Shannel’s MAC commercial on a loop until they wise up and beg for mercy! Now, go play, be nice and listen to me, I may be a twat, cunt, slut and whore but I’m a disease free one, and I’ll be watching.

And don’t forget to buy the lipstick. Muah!

Love and Kisses, Twunty McSlore