DVDgasm: Home Alone

Gasmii, P-Baby here bearing bad news.  The movie industry has gone to shit.  My mid-week recap usually consists of a new DVD for the week but after heading to the redbox and being presented with The Runaways as my only option, I promptly said “Fuck this.” and returned back to the P-Baby residence.

Sitting on my big red couch contemplating, I realized it was just about time for my monthly required viewing of Home Alone and thought, “Hmmm…while not a new release on DVD, this could work.  The actual DVD itself is new to my collection, since I wore my old copy out, so it falls within the parameters. Besides, who doesn’t love a little Christmas in July?”  I made the executive decision, and Home Alone it is!  I also made the executive decision to eat cake for breakfast, solidifying the fact that I’ve grown into the adult I always hoped I’d become.

Opening into a evening at the McAllister residence, about a billion family members are running around in utter chaos as the family prepares for a holiday trip to Paris.  Time out.  Who goes to Paris for Christmas?  What kind of Communist holiday tradition is that?  Christmas is supposed to be about visiting ancient relatives, wearing horrendous sweaters, and getting drunk with hot cousins.  For Christmas every year between the ages of 7 to 21, I spent my holidays in the back of a fucking Astro van for ten hours as Papa P-Baby, Mama P-Baby and me made our way across the midwest to visit Grandma in Indiana.  Whatevs.

Some random cop in the form of Joe Pesci tries to flag down the attention of someone, but everyone is too busy tweaking out on sugar highs to pay him any mind.

Kevin McAllister, played by Macaulay Culkin, wanders into his parents room complaining about Uncle Frank and basically being an annoying twerp while Mom, played by the fabulous Catherine O’Hara, chatters away on the phone.  Dad, played by John Heard, fusses about with his razor and blathers on about electrical outlets and glue guns, etc.  Typical dad stuff.  BTW, I always thought John Heard was kind of hot in a 90′s Dad kind of way.  He definitely looks like he wears Dad shoes.  Dad Shoes are a variety of things, most commonly brown loafers, or anything that slides on and ties with a suede lace around the top part of the foot.

The parents McAllister tell Kevin to go pack his suitcase which totally freaks him out.  I definitely understand this, because as a kid, I didn’t know how to pack a suitcase either.  If it were left up to me, my suitcase would have been full of Teddy Grahams, chocolate milk, Nintendo, and Frances the Stuffed Penguin.

Also, how fucking awesome was this?

More flitting around, more teenagers ignoring Joe Pesci The Cop.  Kevin seeks out help from his siblings to pack a suitcase and they all treat him like the annoying puke he is.  I think we are supposed to feel bad for him, but Kevin is such a smart ass that it’s hard to feel sympathy.  I’m sure Kevin has spent the better part of his 8 years on earth playing pranks and sabotaging his older siblings’ lives, thus burning any bridges they may have been willing to cross to help him pack.

Kevin declares that when he grows and gets married, he’s living alone!  Don’t worry Kevin, you don’t have to live alone.  Mr. P-Baby lets me eat rainbow sprinkles straight out of the container and even watches The Bachelorette and Big Brother with me.  It’s all about compromise.

Kevin seeks out Buzz, his older brother, and asks to sleep in his room after finding out he is destined to share the hide-a-bed with Fuller who routinely wets the bed.  Buzz says hell no, but treats us to a story about a local neighborhood old man who salts the sidewalk.  Buzz tells Kevin that the man, called Old Man Marley, killed his whole family and was never caught.  Kevin is understandably freaked out by this.  I remember after watching an episode of Rescue 911 where a young girl’s house was broken in to when she was home alone and it freaked me the fuck out.  I was terrified of being kidnapped for years after that.

Finally an adult acknowledges the fact that a police officer is in the house and Mr. McAllister introduces himself.  Joe Pesci tells Mr. McAllister to ensure he is taking the proper precautions to mitigate burglaries around the holiday season.  Mr. McAllister complies and then walks off to the kitchen.  Everyone is stuffing their face with pizza while the Pizza Guy and Cop stand in the hallway.  Apparently the McAllister family just shucks social norms and ignores the presence of strangers in their home.

Kevin gets pissed when he finds out that Buzz at the last slice of plain cheese and runs into him, causing a chain reaction of chaos around the kitchen including the spilling of drinks all over the passports and plane tickets.  Kevin gets sent upstairs after delivering plenty of badditude towards everyone.

Pizza Guy finally gets paid and Mrs. McAllister tells the Cop about their upcoming trip to Paris while Kevin gives him the stink eye.  He tells Mrs. McAllister not to worry about their home while the family is away.

Kevin has it out with his mom, making outrageous declarations.  He thinks families suck and says he doesn’t want to see any of his family members for the rest of his life.  He wishes for his family to disappear completely.

That night while the family sleeps, a windstorm causes the power to blow, in turn reseting the alarm clocks, resulting in the entire clan oversleeping.  Cue montages of rushing around the house getting ready.  Neighbor kid Mitch Murphy wanders over from across the street and annoys the crap out of the airline shuttle driver who is sitting and patiently waiting for the McAllister family to get their shit together and leave. He accidentally gets counted as part of the head count while the kids split off into the respective shuttle vans.  Uh-oh!

The McAllister family sprints through the Chicago O’Hare International Airport trying to make it to their gate before take off.  Once I was given the opportunity to do the exact same thing when a connecting flight of mine was delayed and then took a longer flight time while enroute.  While I appreciated the chance to re-enact a scene from my favorite movie, I wasn’t able to enjoy it as I was panicking about reaching my gate on time.  I would have much preferred re-enacting Kevin stuffing his face with ice cream and marshmallows while watching Angels With Filthy Souls.  Fucking airlines.

They make it on time and the flight attendant is not only exceedingly nice but doesn’t even check their boarding passes.  She also tells them to take whatever seats are available.  What the hell kind of twilight zone airport is this?

Kevin makes his way down from the attic right about this time to an empty house.  He sits in the kitchen for a bit trying to figure out what the hell is going on while the parents McAllister get trashed on champagne in first class. He wanders around the house calling the names of his family members, even making his way into the basement where the furnace talks to him.  Since Kevin is 8, he is afraid of the basement.  I never had that option growing up, since our basement housed the family room TV, computer, Super Nintendo and my Pez collection.

Kevin then darts outside and sees that the family cars are still in the garage, further adding to his confusion.  He deduces that he made his family disappear and celebration ensues. He jumps on his parents bed while eating popcorn, runs circles around the house like my dog does, and then breaks into Buzz’s stash of stuff.  He steals Buzz’s firecrackers and comments on how hot Buzz’s girlfriend is.  Also, as Kevin is walking around, I never noticed this before, but the entire house looks like Candice Olson went in there and threw up green and red.

Finally Kevin settles in for a little snack of all the junk food ever made and watches a movie he’s never been allowed to see before.  Now he’s speaking my kind of language.  Once, when I was left home for a few hours, I snuck a viewing of my Dad’s VHS of Fatal Attraction.  Glenn Close was one crazy bitch in that one.

While watching the movie Kevin gets scared and yells for his mom, which provides  smooth transition to Mrs. McAllister waking up on the flight and figuring out that they fucked up big time and that Kevin is missing.  Meanwhile, Kevin is sledding down a flight of stairs.  That looks good in theory but I’m pretty sure if this was real life, Kevin would be laying at the bottom of the stairs with a broken neck for the remainder of the movie.

Mr. McAllister, Uncle Frank and his wife all try to comfort Mrs. McAllister on the plane and reassure her everything is going to be ok.  Well, P-Baby is here to inform you all that everything is not going to be ok.

Unfortunately for Kevin and the rest of the McAllister clan, robbers Marv and Harry (Joe Pesci, who was apparently disguised as a cop during the early scenes.  What a sneaky bastard) are here to hit the neighborhood hard and steal a bunch of shit.  Harry has already deemed Kevin’s house the gem of the neighborhood so they grab their crowbars and attempt a break in.  Kevin scrambles and turns on all the lights, scaring the robbers away, though they vow to return.

Now touched down in the Paris airport, Mrs. McAllister hijacks a phone from a French woman (ugh, France.) and calls the local police department.  Kevin goes outside and declares his bravery but promptly runs into Old Man Marley, screams, and runs inside to hide under the bed.

The police department doesn’t offer much help though they are munching on some donuts that look delicious. They send a cop over to the house to check on Kevin but he doesn’t answer the door since he’s too busy shitting himself under the bed.  The cop leaves and Mrs. McAllister decides to take matters into her own hands and fly back home.

Normally this plan of flying home would be easy but since they are in France and France hates us and because it is the holiday season, flying back to Chicago becomes a bit more challenging.  Mrs. McAllister agrees to wait on standby while the next booked flight she can jump on is two days later.  Meanwhile, Kevin is probably still passed out, choking on his tongue laying with a broken neck at the bottom of the staircase…

…Or he’s shaving, stealing Buzz’s life savings while releasing a tarantula in the house and destroying his room, grocery shopping, and shoplifting a toothbrush.

Marv and Harry are busy burglaring other homes in the neighborhood in what sounds like the loudest home break in ever.  While stealing all the Murphys’ shit, Mr. McAllister calls and leaves a message on the machine, stating that they are in France, tipping off Marv and Harry that they are in fact gone.

Marv comes up with a brilliant idea to leave the water running in every house they rob as a sort of calling card.  He also coins the moniker Wet Bandits (which becomes the Sticky Bandits in the sequel.  Marv is pervert.)  While the asshats argue in their van, they almost hit Kevin who is crossing the street.  Kevin recognizes Harry as the cop who was previously in his home.  Harry notices Kevin’s reaction which freaks him out.  They follow him for a bit but lose him when Kevin throws himself into a nativity scene in front of a church.

That night, the McAllister residence is lit up like the Griswald’s Christmas home and there appears to be a party going on.  Harry and Marv swing by in their pedo-van but decide against breaking in.  What simpletons.  Can’t they tell Kevin has rigged a bunch of mannequins that he just happened to have on hand to make it seems as though they are alive?  But seriously, who the fuck has that many mannequins just laying around the house?  What kind of freaky shit do Mr. and Mrs. McAllister get up to?

Meanwhile, as their young child fends off hardened criminals, the McAllister family are chillin’ in Paris watching It’s A Wonderful Life. Life isn’t going to be so wonderful when they get home.

They chatter a bit about being worried for Kevin, though Buzz rebuffs them and tells them to calm down since nothing ever happens in their neighborhood.  I thought the same about my neighborhood in the Northeast until an F3 tornado ripped through it one summer, scaring the shit out of everyone and leveling a few houses and a few hundred trees.  While not quite the same as two numbnut burglars trying to steal my shit, it sure taught me not to complain about nothing ever happening.

Kevin decides he could go for a steamy cheese pizza, bringing my favorite Pizza Guy back into action.  He shows up and gets tricked by Kevin’s little rig of playing Angels With Filthy Souls on blast, making it seem as though a mobster is talking to the Pizza Guy.  I know he’s just a dumb teenager, but would anyone really fall for that in real life?  Also, Kevin, what kind of stereo system is that?  Papa P-Baby is always on the hunt for a new on and your seems excellent, even if it is circa 1990.

Back at the Paris airport (ugh, France.  As much as France and the US may have disdain for each other, about the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen attempt to become mainstream was the brilliant idea of Freedom Fries.  Fail.)  Mrs. McAllister bribes her way onto a flight out and things are looking up!

Kevin is in bed now, and talks lovingly to a picture of his family, showing all of us that he does have a soul.  Now I kind of feel bad for the little guy.  The next morning, he takes on the task of grocery shopping which is one of my favorite scenes in the whole movie though I have no idea why.  It doesn’t lend a whole lot to the plot but I guess it just makes me think about all the crap I would buy if I had Buzz’s life savings to shop with at Kroger.  Cake, E.L. Fudge, chocolate milk, and all the gummy bears I could stomach.  Throw some Doritos in there for good measure.

As he walks home, his grocery bags break, which would not have happened if he was a patron of reusable shopping bags like Mr. and Mrs. P-Baby.

I saw on the Today Show or something similar that we are supposed to wash or wipe out our reusable bags after every use.  Are those idiots trying to turn the already lazy society against using those bags?  No fucking way is that going to happen.

Marv and Harry are back again, though this time Marv falls into Kevin’s trap.  He overhears Angels With Filthy Souls playing in the kitchen and becomes convinced that they are too late and someone else has made it to the house before them.  He gets tricked, making it seem as though a lunatic with a shotgun is shooting at a dude named Snakes in the house.  Marv runs away and jumps back into the pedo-van.

Mrs. McAllister is now stuck in Scranton, PA unable to get on a flight.  In swoops John Candy (RIP) to save the day.  John Candy invites her to accompany him and a bunch of strange men he calls his polka band in the back of a truck to road trip back to Chicago.  I hope Mrs. McAllister is ready to be gang-banged, murdered, and left in a gutter.  She gratefully accepts, sealing her fate.  Well, maybe not.  This is the early 90′s.  Nothing bad happened then except Milli Vanilli and Zubaz.

Back at the house, Kevin chops down the top of a pine tree to decorate in the house.  He is resourceful, to say the least.  Harry and Marv observe this and decide once and for all they will return that night at 9pm to finally break in to the home.  Kevin overhears this plan and instead of calling the police like any rational child or adult would do, he opts for another plan.

In another part of the US, Mrs. McAllister is sitting pretty in the back of a Budget van while the Polka Pervs are bouncing along to Christmas carols.  At that point, I think I’d arrange for an alternative mode of transport.

We are treated to a few scenes which are used to depict Kevin’s longing for his family.  He wishes for them back through a worker elf with a smoker’s cough at a Santa house, then he spies a family coming together for the holidays and he puts on a sad face.  Kevin makes his way to a church and is drawn in by a children’s choir he hears singing.

In the church, he has a heart to heart with Old Man Marley and finds out that Mr. Marley is just a lonely man who’s had a falling out with his son, isolating him from his granddaughter.  Ok, that is pretty sad.  Kevin advises Mr. Marley that he should open back up lines of communication with his son, but then has to take off in a dash when he hears the clock striking 8pm.  Judgment day is upon us.

So Kevin sets up a series of traps throughout the house, though I call bullshit on this.  It was 8pm at the church which is right when Kevin took off home.  It probably takes him minimum 5 minutes to run home on his short little legs, bringing the time to 8:05 at best. The amount of traps Kevin set would take at least an hour, probably more like 1.5 hours, and that’s if he was a full grown adult and not a 8 year old with tiny hands.  There’s no way he could get all that done in less than an hour but whatever.  It’s a movie and a fantastic one at that.

Just as he sits down to eat a delicious frozen mac and cheese meal, the clock strikes 9 and the dingbats arrive.

They initially try and sweet talk their way in through the kitchen door, resulting in a swift BB gun shot to Harry’s crotch and Marv’s forehead through the doggie door.  After this, Harry decides to go in the front and Marv to the basement.  Harry eats it on the iced over front steps and flies through the air.  Marv similarly eats it on the basement steps and falls down the entire flight.  That shit looked like it hurt.

Harry fails again to make it up the steps, and I’m not sure why he hasn’t just walked around the steps yet.  Marv manages to make it into the creepy basement.  He pulls on a drawstring to turn on a light, which is rigged to the laundry chute where an iron falls down and smacks him on the forehead.  Marv recovers from the particular injury rather quickly.  I’m pretty sure if something like that ever happened in real life his skull would be smushed in and he’d be requiring some type of medical attention.  But for amusement’s sake, he’s fine and just has an imprint of an iron on his face.

Harry finally makes it to the front door and puts his hand on the doorknob, searing an M into his palm from the overheated knob.  That could be cool if his name was Marv, but it’s Harry.

Marv makes a swift recovery and tries his hand at the basement steps which are covered in tar.  He loses both shoes and socks just in time to step straight onto a nail.  Ok, that one looked pretty bad too.  I hope he’s current on his shots. Harry decides to abandon the front door and goes back to the kitchen door.  He opens it and his head his set on fire by a blow torch.  Harry is going to be one pissed off motherfucker at the end of all this.  He kicks open the door and finally makes it into the house.

Marv hightails it out of the basement and gets into the house via open window.  His feet get fucked up further by an array of Christmas ornaments conveniently placed on the floor in front of the window.  I nicked my toe on a piece of glass once in the basement (Papa P-Baby dabbles in stained glass art.) and my toe bled for what felt like hours afterward.  Marv stomps on Christmas ornaments and doesn’t so much as shed a single drop of blood.  He must have the skin of a 100 year old rhino.

Harry gets glued and feathered after going into the dining room.  He and Marv meet at the bottom level of the house, both surprised at each other’s appearances.  Kevin taunts them further to chase him up to the second floor of the house.  Insert paint cans to the face now.  The two fall down the stairs and Harry discovers his gold tooth has been knocked out.  Kevin finally decides to call the cops, though he gives them the address of his neighbors house, rather than his own.  I guess he’s got more tricks up his sleeve.

Marv and Harry find him upstairs and almost catch him after falling over a trip wire.  Kevin gets his hand on Buzz’s tarantula and places it right on Marv’s face.  Marv screams like a bitch and beats Harry with a crowbar trying to kill it.  I’d do the same.  I lose my shit when I see a house centipede darting around, let alone a tarantula on my face.

Kevin uses a rope and a pair of bike handlebars to zipline from a window to his treehouse in the backyard, which is not only dangerous but fucking impossible.  I bet parents had a field day trying to keep their children from ziplining out of windows for years after this movie.  Marv and Harry follow him out the window by hand, but Kevin snaps the rope and the two fall and smack into the side of the house.

Kevin runs to the Murphy’s house, which is now flooded due to the Wet Bandits leaving the water running.  All that water damage would piss me off way more than my shit getting stolen.  He runs through the basement and gets caught by Marv and Harry at the top of the stairs.  Just as they are about to do a bang up job on Kevin, Old Man Marley appears and smack Marv and Harry over the head with his shovel, rescuing Kevin.

The cops arrive at the scene while Kevin watches from across the street.  Bye Marv and Harry!  See you in two years!

Kevin leaves out some milk, cookies, and carrots for Santa, so I guess this is Christmas  Eve.  It really sucks that he’s home by himself but he really brought that one on himself for being such a shit during the first twenty minutes of the movie. The next morning, Kevin wakes up to a white Christmas morning.  He jumps out of bed calling for his mom, but is disappointed when he realizes the house is still empty.  Just that this moment, Mrs. McAllister finally arrives at home, completing her road trip from hell.

She calls for Kevin and he runs downstairs giving her a big hug.  Also at this time, the rest of the McAllister clan coincidentally arrive home, making Mrs. McAllister’s road trip completely unnecessary since apparently a flight with room for 100 people became available.  Everyone is happy until Buzz discovers his trashed room.  Buzz should probably back off of Kevin.  All this getting left behind has affected his psyche more than anyone could ever know.