DVDgasm: When In Rome

Gasmii, a tired and disgruntled P-Baby here to bring you the most recent installment of DVDgasm.  Typically I try to review a DVD that is new each week but seeing as the only DVD that was released this week that I’d even entertain watching was Brooklyn’s Finest and upon seeing that it was going to take 132 minutes of my life away from me, I opted for the cute generic rom-com When In Rome.  I think Kristen Bell is just so charming and the best thing in every show she appears on and Josh Duhamel isn’t getting kicked out of P-Baby’s bed any time soon.  While it isn’t quite brand spanking new on DVD, I’m pretty sure it came out within the past month, so deal with it.

I was very close to just throwing in the towel this week, as I sit in a hotel room due to actual real work obligation; it  lacks a DVD player and no red box in sight.  But I love my Gasmii so much that I couldn’t just quit and ended up biting the bullet and paying $21.40 for this stupid movie.  Son of a bitch.

The point is Gasmii that you all give me a purpose to life and I will stop at nothing to bring you laughs.  Now on with the show!

The movie opens on the main character Beth, a successful art curator at the Guggenheim, running around some sort of pretentious art exhibit party event.  She means business as depicted by her headset, black high collar outfit and pulled back hair.  I know Kristen Bell is like 29, but she still looks like she is twelve and not old enough to be a museum curator at the Elvis-A-Rama in Vegas, let alone the Guggenehim.  Whatevs, it’s a movie.

She links up with her other curator friends and commences gossiping about her most recent ex-boyfriend Brady who just happens to be at the art shindig.  Beth is indulging in a salad at this point, so of course when said ex-boyfriend comes over to talk to her, she has a huge piece of lettuce in her teeth.  Her ex-boyfriend, by the way, is played by Lee Pace who is super duper cute in an aww shucks, shy guy kind of way.  As cute as Lee is, we are not currently on speaking terms since he decided to go ahead and star in that fucking awful Marmaduke movie.

Through a series of misleading words and exclamations, Brady tells Beth that after their break up, he met someone else and is going to get engaged.  Somehow this gets misunderstood by Beth’s friends that Brady and Beth are engaged and the whole room starts celebrating.  Beth is forced to be incredibly awkward and explain that she is in fact not engaged.  Then the heel on her boot breaks.  Then her annoying sister Joan shows up in the middle of the night to tell Beth that she really is engaged to an Italian lothario she met on an airplane two weeks ago.   Joan is a psycho.

Right.  Single, attractive, European men are a dime a dozen and are extremely willing to commit to marriage.  I am guessing one of two things.  1.  He wants his green card.  2.  Joan’s pussy is made of diamonds.

This whole series of scenes is used to show us that Beth is unlucky in love, bitter, and an extreme workaholic.  This is beat over our heads by Beth’s declaration of love for her job eight times in five minutes.  Pay attention as this is a very important character flaw of Beth’s and I’m sure it will come back at some point in the plot when she realizes love is more important than a job.  These rom-com’s are deep with original plots and are often times hard to follow.  Not.

The next scene shows Beth arriving late to a meeting at work where we meet her icy boss Celeste, played by Anjelica Huston.  Hollywood trivia time.  Did you guys know that Anjelica and Jack Nicholson used to live together and were dating off and on for thirteen years?  Forget Beth’s sister, HER pussy must be made of diamonds.  That Jack isn’t easy to tie down, and he was actually kind of demonically attractive in the 70′s.  I’d definitely have done him circa Cuckoo’s Nest.  If I was drunk I’d have done him circa The Joker.

Celeste starts to talk about hosting the annual Circle of Gold gala and pressures Beth about the centerpiece for the event.  Beth breaks the news to Celeste that she has to leave for Rome for her sister’s wedding for the next two days.  Celeste isn’t pleased in lets Beth know that she is easily replaceable.

Beth arrives in Rome and is stressing because she is late for her sister’s wedding.  The fuck?  Who arrives in a foreign country the day of the actual wedding?  Aren’t you supposed to build in some sort of buffer to allow for delays, cancellations, and general fuckitude of airlines?  Apparently not.  Beth arrives just in time to change into her bridesmaid dress and be in the ceremony.

On a completley unrelated topic, Beth’s sister Joan keeps reminding me of someone and I won’t be able to rest until I say it.  I’ve seen this actress, Alexis Dziena, in other work and every time, the only thing I can picture is Fairuza Balk in Return To Oz.  They just have such similar faces that even in a beautiful wedding dress in Italy, she should be strolling through the land of Oz with Jack Pumpkin and TikTok while that damn chicken keeps clucking away.

Also, how fucking scary were those Princess Mombi heads?

Beth’s mother and father are divorced, and we find out that Beth’s dad is played by the ever greasy Don Johnson.  What up Don?  Sweet goatee.

Josh Duhamel finally makes his appearance twenty minutes into the movie, also arriving late to the wedding.  He plays Nick, college roommate of the Italian groom and Best Man at the wedding.  Since he is late, his cell phone of course rings loudly and he spazzes his way up the aisle trying to turn it off.  I’ve been to about four weddings thus far in my life and none of the best men have looked like Josh.  Just saying.

Beth looks adorable in her bridesmaid dress and ponytail.  I’ve been to about four weddings thus far in my life and none of the maids of honor have looked like Kristen.  Just saying.

Workaholic Beth is anxiously talking on her cell phone going in and out of service and failing miserably.  She has a heart to heart with Dad about how she should try and find love and how he really wants her to get married.  Saved by her sis, Beth is whisked away for the vase-breaking ceremony.  The meaning behind this tradition is that the maid of honor breaks the vase and the amount of pieces it breaks into is the equivalent to how many years of happiness she is wishing the new couple.  Unfortunately for Beth, the vase fails to even so much as crack when she throws it on the floor.

Beth tries various attempts at breaking the vase, injuring people and shattering other things along the way until finally Nick steps in and smashes it against the wall.  Adding further embarassment to Beth’s wedding experience, she goes to make her maid of honor speech and realizes she is speaking to a room full of Italians.  Nick steps in again to save her and translates her speech, albeit incorrectly.  Nick and Beth continue to flirt throughout the wedding after this.  I gotta say Nick is extremely charming and if I was Beth, we’d have been banging in the coat closet of the wedding venue fifteen minutes ago.

That being said, I used to have a huge crush on Josh until I saw pictures of the girl he supposedly cheated on Fergie with.

Finally deciding to be bold and pursue love, Beth follows Nick out of the wedding with wine in hand only to see him engaging in a lusty kiss with a drunk woman in a red dress.  She is disgusted though not surprised and takes herself and her wine to the Fountain of Love outside the venue.  I think Beth and I could be total BFFs.  She has a rocking business casual wardrobe,  a bit of a sarcastic edge, and she likey the drink.

Beth the Boozer starts ranting about the coins in the fountain meaning love lost for the ones who threw it in.  She takes a poker chip, a rare coin, a Euro, a penny, and a quarter out of the fountain, prompting the throwers of the coins to all fall in love with Beth instantly.

Beth returns to her apartment from the Rome trip and her phone is already ringing with a phone call from Nick.  Beth is my girl, but she plays it a little too cool and blows him off due to being grossed out by his kiss with the red-dressed woman.  She turns his dinner and drinks invite down quite curtly.  If this was reality, Beth would be wetting her panties and already frantically attacking her closet for something to wear.  Since it is a movie, she shows restraint not found in nature and hangs up.

The next day, Beth goes for a run through the city in her totally cute work out clothes, fresh hair, and makeup.  Why do girls in movies always look so cute when exercising?  Just want to put it out there that I look like absolute ass warmed over after a hearty workout.  Anyway, as she runs, Beth happens by the first of her five suitors, an Italian artist named Antonio played by the genius Will “Gob Bluth” Arnett.  He has made his way to the states in hopes of finding Beth to perfect her feet on his drawing.  After getting hit by a horse and carriage, it is revealed that he has an entire sketchbook full of pictures of Beth and is pretty much stalking her internationally.

Beth then goes to a cafe or bar or deli of some sort and bumps into model Gale, played by Dax Shepard, who invites himself to sit at her table and proceeds to show her his portfolio of modeling photos.  He is extremely self-absorbed and also in love with Beth.  Kristen and Dax are a real life couple who are engaged to be married and I think they are adorable.  I am slightly worried he is using her for her fame but she seems to have her head on straight so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.  Remember when Dax was Ashton Kutcher’s bitch on Punk’d?  Now look at him.  He’s also got a smokin’ body, which is weird.

As Beth continues on her way to work, she runs into creepy street magician and Criss Angel doppelganger Lance played by Jon Heder.  He attempts to woo her by stealing her watch five times and then performing a disgusting card trick where he goes all Temple of Doom on her and rips a fake heart out of his chest.  That’ll get the girls every time Lance.

Finally at work, Beth takes a phone call from Joan and she finds out that an old Italian legend states that her removal of coins from the fountain will cause the throwers to fall in love with her.  I think we already got that earlier in the movie, but now Beth knows it too.  She scoffs at the legend and doesn’t believe in magic.

Beth finds out due to a coworker’s error she is missing the coveted centerpiece for her gala and needs to inform Celeste.  Right at this time, Nick shows up at her job.  Beth is panicking, which is of course when Celeste shows up with Al Russo, played by Danny Devito, a patron of the Guggenheim and another fountain suitor of Beth’s.  Celeste speaks Beth’s praises while Al recognizes Nick from an incident in his football playing days when he was struck by lightning.  Right as Beth is about to spill the beans to Celeste about the missing centerpiece, Nick jumps in saying that Beth has access to an original Petrocelli piece that has never been viewed by the public.  Nick is the subject of the photo, which is why he is totally going to get a BJ from Beth later.

Al requests a private tour from Beth around the museum.  Danny Devito is just so adorable and hilarious on It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia.  He gives Beth a gift which ends up being a package of sausages.  Al here is a sausage king.  I’ll bet he is.

Al chases Beth around the museum declaring his love for her, completley freaking her out and due to her heightened state of fear, she sprays Nick in the face with breath spray when he pops out from around a corner taking her by surprise.  At this encounter, she finds out the lady in the red dress from the wedding was the groom’s crazy cousin of whom he had absolutely no interest in.  This peaks her interest in him.  Unfortunately, all of Beth’s suitors find her and frantically wave her down, causing her to panic and leave Nick on the sidewalk.  He walks away and falls into an open storm basement cellar door contraption that always look like death traps in New York.

In Beth’s apartment, Lance is awaiting Beth’s return home wrapped up in gauze like a motherfucking mummy.  Lance, what the fuck?  That is so extremely creepy.  No woman wants to come home to that.  He goes undetected as Beth talks to Joan on the phone about what steps she needs to take in order to end this spell.  Joan tells her she needs to return the coins to the Fountain of Love in Italy herself which presents a problem as Beth is busy at work preparing for her gala.  She turns around and sees Lance who then falls on the floor.  He attempts to escape in order to impress her and ends up falling and breaking her glass coffee table.  Next comes a cutesy cameo from Pedro who is also in Beth’s apartment timing Lance’s escape from his mummy gauze.  Beth kicks them out and is understandably upset.

Nick works at some sports publication and rants to his friend about how wonderful Beth is.  His chubby, unattractive cockblocking friend wants to do a little information gathering on Beth and Nick agrees.

Out for another run, Beth is joined by Gale dressed in the same running attire as her.  She also sees a mural of her on the side of building being painted by Antonio who nearly falls off the side of the building.  In a meeting with Celeste, Lance levitates outside the window.  Nick shows up again at her work with flowers, only to see he’s been outdone by Al the Sausage King.  Meanwhile, Nick’s friend is documenting all these silly things.  More pursuing hijinks ensue so let’s just move this along, shall we?

Beth gets scolded by Celeste at work due to all the attention she is receiving, thinking that Beth isn’t focused on her work and the upcoming gala.  Celeste threatens to blacklist Beth if the gala doesn’t go off perfectly.

Nick’s friend presents all the evidence of Beth’s suitors to Nick back at work, making it sound as if Beth isn’t marriage material or ready to settle down.  Rather than be discouraged, Nick is motivated to bring his A-game.  He calls Beth while she is getting ready for her gala.  She asks Nick if she could get her hands on the centerpiece he promised, and he agrees as long as she goes to dinner with him that night.  I can think of worse things than to be blackmailed into a date that will end up with fondling and tongue kissing with Josh Duhamel.

Beth meets Nick at one of those weird restaurants where you eat in the dark.  I only know that this type of restaurant was once featured on an episode of CSI.  Also, the sound effects and green lighting remins me of Silence of the Lambs.  How romantic.  Beth is probably going to get killed.

While at the restaurant, Beth and Nick flirt a bit until Al, Antonio, Lance, and Gale all show up and interrupt the date.  Beth makes a run for it, once again leaving Nick alone.  He follows her out of the restaurant and they go to the Guggenheim where Beth feels “safe.”  They walk around while Beth blabs  feelings and anecdotes about the displays and stuff.  She cries.  Beth is deep.

Beth unloads all her romance crap on Nick about how it never works out for her.  Nick is a movie guy and doesn’t roll his eyes and leave, rather kisses her and brings her back to his apartment.  She sees the picture that Nick has promised as the centerpiece for the gala.  Then she throws him on the couch and dry humps him.  Do it Beth!  She sees a poker chip on the table and freaks that Nick only wants to be with her due to the spell from the Fountain of Love.

Cue sad music and rainy day.  Beth is preparing for the gala when she receives a call from Joan who informs her that an alternative way to break the spell is by returning the coins to the suitors themselves.  Beth’s dumb twat friend overhears this and steals the coins, as she think Beth is due for a little love and works too hard.  All the suitors arrive at Beth’s door.  Beth lets the guys know she has something to tell them, and tells them they don’t love her.  They all insist they do love her, which prompts Beth to blurt out that she actually loves Nick.  She even loves Nick more than her job.  Ahh, the rom-com moment of realization.

As Beth tries to give the coins back to the suitors, she realizes they are missing.  To add to Beth’s shitty night, rolling blackouts across the city are causing major problems throughout the city and threatening to keep Beth from the gala.  The suitors rally together to get Beth to the Guggenheim in a tiny European clown car belonging to Antonio.

Finally at the gala, Beth walks in and sees the Nick Petrocelli photograph first thing.  Celeste commends her on getting the photograph while the suitors stand by proudly.  Beth’s friend wants her to be happy and be with Nick, but Beth refuses to take his love since it’s under a false pretense.

Beth calls Nick and thanks Nick for making her believe in love again.  Puke.  I have never once said these words to anyone, except maybe a pack of E.L. Fudge cookies after a brutal day at work while on the first day of my crimson tide.  Beth returns the coins one by one to each suitor undoing the spell, while each one sees how Beth has improved their life regardless of not returning their love.  While all this is going on, Nick is running through the storm to get to Beth while avoiding multiple lightning bolts.  Nick’s friend ends up coming to his rescue, driving him the rest of the way to the gala.

Through a series of events that could only happen in a romantic comedy, Lance steals Beth’s poker chip and Beth ends up having to chase the final poker chip coin down the entire length of the Guggenheim ramp only to have it land at Nick’s feet.  He picks up the coin and she assumes that their relationship is over.  Nick babbles on about his feelings for Beth, and she finally begins to figure out that Nick genuinely loves her, and not due to any Italian spell.  He says as much and then lays a big wet one on her.

We see a wedding invitation with Nick and Beth’s name on it and flash foward to Beth’s wedding.  Lance informs Beth that he actually gave her the wrong chip back and returns the proper one.  Beth freaks out thinking Nick is still under the spell.  Beth, who the fuck cares?  Nick is a sex on earth and you need to just shut the hell up and marry that ass.

Beth returns the coin to Nick at the altar and runs out of the venue and back to the Fountain of Love.  She gets back into the fountain and scolds the fountain, which is where Nick finds her.  He asks why Beth keeps giving her poker chips.  He tells her he never threw the chip into the fountain and Beth finally realizes for the second time that Nick truly loves her.  The End.