Stay with me on the euphemism, folks. Dancing With The Stars is to TV what Bud Light is to beer-it’s delicious, fun, but slightly embarrassing to consume when around true connoisseurs….when you are around the in-crowd, you take delight in a Stella, a Fat Tire, laugh over the latest episode of The Office or dish the dirt on Mad Men…but late at night, when you’re at home alone in just your skivvies, you know you’re flipping on DWTS with one hand and cracking open a tallboy of Bud Light with the other.
Not that I would know anything about that. I’m certainly WAY too classy to spend my Mother’s Day on a beach swilling Bud Light tallboys. Ahem.
Last week, in an actual shocking elimination (holy crap, The Brooke and The Berge weren’t just spouting hyperbole for the fun of it) our little friend Droopy was sent packing. Not only was I seriously surprised because I honestly thought she had the finals in the bag, I was kind of bummed because even though she’s a bit dead behind the eyes, she was real and not obnoxious and I sure as hell liked her more than Moesha and J.Grey. I did hear that she got a tattoo to remind herself of her time on the show, however.
She spelled it all by herself.
At least she’s got a new reality show and a hot mess of a mother to fall back on, so I think our little Droopy will be just fine. Now, on to this week! It is the 200th episode of this show! Five years, 11 seasons, 200 episodes, one of the, if not THE most watched show on network television. If that’s not a sign of the apocalypse, I don’t know what is. We flash back to the very first season:
When instead of hiring vapid, brainless girls to ask “How does that make you feel?” ABC just let The Berge pretend it was “Bring Your Hooker To Work” Day.
Brooke: “Well, Tom, the number 200 is special tonight for another reason.”
“Why is that, Brooke? Have I really wished that I had a rock for a co-host 200 whole times?”
“Go fuck yourself, Tom. Tonight is actually going to be the….”
Tom: “I quit this bitch.”
We open with a group number, all the pros, from every season as far as I can tell, dancing to “Crazy In Love” by Beyonce and Jay-Z. The highlights: Baby Daddy in a threesome with two other chicks, both of which are NOT ME (jerk)-
He’s just glad it’s not Moesha’s skank ass wrapped around him for once.
and Lacey doing her best Beyonce impression-to be honest, the comparisons between the two are pretty parallel-
You know, except for the whole talent, mega-million dollar bank account, and gangsta husband thing. Semantics.
And as if this show isn’t creepy enough, we get a shot of Carrie Ann spanking Len after the group dance.
Oh yeah, Old Man, you’re in for it later. Batshit brought the nipple clamps and Cialis. Yee-haw!!
Then someone screwed something up majorly because Tom tried to introduce all the past ‘stars’ that were in the audience, but the timing of his announcement of season number, the season number showing up on the lightboard, and the camera shot of the corresponding season’s contestants was as fucked up as I am after 4 margaritas and a couple of percocet. Dudes. In all fairness, I’d have to be wasted to work on this set too.
Before we can actually get to the dances tonight, we get to watch a “team dance” competition. The six remaining couples are split into two teams, which are headed up by two previous mirrorball winners. The first-Team Kristi, headed by season six winner, Kristi Yamaguchi.
Porcelain veneers and chiropractors don’t pay for themselves, bitches.
And the second, Team Apolo-as you guessed, led by season four winner, Apolo Anton Ohno.
I’m just hoping this helps me to get laid.
The team captains got to choose the members of their teams, playground style. Apolo makes the obvious first pick of Ken Doll and J.Grey. Kristi, instead of going for Mo and Maks next, picks Bristol and Mark Balls because Balls led her to her victory in season 6. Stupid. One would think an Olympic athlete would know to choose by actual ability, not emotions. Apolo gets MoHo, and Cute Warner. Kristi rounds out her stellar team with The Chubby Twins and Slick. Wow.
I didn’t know DWTS was working with the Special Olympics! How sweet!
This shit better have the bitches lining up.
Both teams will be dancing a cha-cha-cha, to their team captain’s freestyle song on their season of the show-Team Kristi gets “Workin Day and Night” by Michael Jackson, and Team Apolo gets “Bust a Move” by Young MC. And I feel beyond lame for even having to type something as cheesy as “Team InsertHasBeenNameHere”. I need a drink. They will be scored on the dance, and each partnership will add the team score to their individual score.
Team Kristi is up first, and Lacey and Mophead take the opportunity of having Bristol in the room to prepare her for the career that all single teen moms eventually take up-stripping.
Don’t beat yourself up, Bristol. Who hasn’t believed the line, “I promise I’ll pull out!” at least once? Case in point: HappyKindergartener.
Cheryl also throws out a line, that The Berge hilariously points out as a succinct description of the entire show: “It’s not embarrassing, it’s hot!” Bwahahahaha.
I only threw this screenshot in because Lacey actually looks pretty. First time for everything.
I think their cha cha was super fun. Bristol totally jacked up her steps in the first girl sequence, and her suckiness was kind of obvious next to the two female pros. Chubs kept up with Mark Balls pretty well, and Slick was the usual-tall and awkward, but not too shabby overall.
Len enlightens us to the fact that this is a tough week for everyone-not only do they have to do their individual dance, they have to do a team dance-and Team Kristi did it well. Batshit loved the three boys and their section…of course he did. And he called Bristol out on her missed steps. Carrie Ann thought they danced well as a team, and hit on Slick yet once again.
Team Score: 24
Next up, Team Apolo. Apolo (the winter olympics most decorated athlete EVER-take that, Kristi Yamacoochie) is talking to his team Charlie’s Angels style via a TV-
Because even he can’t stand to be in the same room as Moesha.
In rehearsals, I get really bummed because Cute starts acting less like Cute Warner and more like Dirt Boner (yeah, I have no idea either), whining about his placement in the dance, and whining about not picking up the steps as quickly as everybody else. I think he was trying to be funny and self deprecating, but it came off very douchey and he needs to know that it’s not okay. Because I love him.
Public Service Announcement of the day.
And in the non-shocker of the week, J.Grey is in pain. WOW. Apparently she finally broke down and went to the doctor (you know it was because she needed a refill of Oxycontin, and they don’t call that shit in, you have to pick up a handwritten script) and they confirmed her suspicions that she’s old as shit and whines a lot and needs to take a 20 minute break every two hours. I can’t really talk shit because I Facebook for 20 minutes every two hours while writing this recap and that’s why it takes me forever to get them posted. ADD is a bitch, y’all.
And so is this whiner.
After Maks starts verbally abusing Moesha, J.Grey’s leg falls off, and Cute quits trying to pretend he’s as self-absorbed as the other stars, Apolo actually shows up in studio and they finally manage to pull it together.
As for the performance-it was more technically sound than Team Kristi, mostly because everyone followed their steps. I think Cute was more obvious than Bristol as far as not being on the same level as the other teammates, but only because Mo/Maks/Ken Doll/J.Grey didn’t try to bring it down to his level like Team Kristi did. At least he showed some groove and personality, unlike Miss Cardboard on the other team.
Batshit loved Cute’s groove, then made some sexual remarks about Mo and J.Grey. When I was done vomiting, Carrie Ann liked that they didn’t dumb down the routine and over all did well, and Len agreed.
Team Score: 27
Finally, now we can actually get to the individual dances. Each couple tonight will be recreating one iconic dance from a previous season. The star that originally performed the dance will be back as a guest judge to weigh in on the couple performing their routine only.
Kyle Massey: The Chubby Twins have been given Mel B and Maks’ Paso Doble to “Free Your Mind” by En Vogue from Season Five. Apparently Mel B is responsible for the trend of contestants grabbing The Berge’s ass.
Riddle me this: why pinch The Berge when you were partnered with MAKS?
Also, Mel B was the original “already famous pop star from the 90′s who should win this thing with one hand behind her back”, Moesha. Difference? Mel B is likable. And funny.
As for this couple, it should be interesting-Chubs as Maks and Lacey as Mel B? Swap skin colors and find some abs, and I totally see it. Or be as admittedly funny as Chubs, and just draw some on:
I know some of you find Chubs to be obnoxious, but I don’t think he’s nearly as awful as Lacey-she thinks she’s awesome, whereas Chubs is just young and having fun. I don’t want to stab him even half as much as I want to shank Annoying McFacey over there.
Lacey warns Chubs that he’s going to have to be HAWT to pull off Maks’ side of the Paso. He’s going to have to be aggressive and intense and basically everything he’s not. I’m not as much worried about him as I’m praying that Lacey does not try to wear the outfit that Mel B wore in the original.
Oh Dear God No.
Luckily we were all spared.
I was actually pretty proud of Chubs-while homeboy is certainly no Baby Daddy, he hung in there very well. He nailed the attitude and the showmanship of it, and wasn’t too shabby on the footwork, either. Well done, my little friend-an extra Big Mac goes to you.
Len tells Chubs that it was his best dance yet. Mel B, the guest judge, says that Chubs blew her away and was very sexy. Batshit chimes in, calling Kyle an untamed bull, but telling him he needs to keep his shoulders down. Carrie Ann says that the dance was a hard one to match, but that he pulled it off.
Score: 35 (a 10 was given by guest judge Mel B)
Kurt Warner: Cute was of course given Season Three champion Emmitt Smith as his guest judge, and assigned to recreate his Tango to “Simply Irresistible” by Robert Palmer. I’ve been wondering if Mr. Cute here is fixing to pull off an Emmitt this season, and win by fan support alone, ousting favorites and better dancers to take the Mirrorball Trophy. This week is already looking better than the last, thanks to the hot pinstriped suit the good folks in wardrobe have put on my boyfriend:
I’m a sucker for a guy in a good suit.
Things kind of go downhill from there, though-in rehearsals, Cute starts stomping around pouting like one of the toddleresque normal ‘stars’. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to being tired and frustrated and having a bad week, but if he seriously starts acting like one of the usual Hollywood toolbags, I’m totally breaking up with him. And even unfollowing him. As will the viewers-if Cute wants to stay in this thing, he needs all the fan support he can get. If he starts throwing temper tantrums, he’ll start losing votes faster than The Hoff can down shots of cheap vodka.
Don’t make me come down there and spank you, Cute. Well, on second thought….
I won’t even lie, I had prepared myself for a disaster-between Cute’s shitty attitude and being assigned latin ballroom again, I thought he was going to be screwed. Thankfully, I was pleasantly surprised-Cute stayed in hold well, held his posture and character the entire routine, and even nailed the tango kicks (for lack of the proper term). Yay for Cute!
Batshit tells “Secret Agent Warner” that he was stronger and more confident this week, and nailed it. Carrie Ann says that Emmitt always brought his character to life, and that Cute did the same thing. Emmitt himself liked Cute’s suit and his demeanor. Len admits that he has been critical of Cute in the past, but appreciates that he always comes back stronger after a bad night.
Score: 34 (10 from Emmitt)
Bristol Palin: Bristol and Mark Balls will be doing the Viennese Waltz tonight, a’la Kelly Osbourne from Season Nine, to the song “Trouble” by Ray LaMontagne. Speaking of Kelly….
Holy great makeover!
I, for one, have always thought Kelly was a lovely girl and did not need to lose a pound. But DAMN….she looks GOOD. I want to know her secret-coke? lapband? tapeworm? Surely it can’t be good old fashioned diet and exercise. Everyone knows that doesn’t work. :)
Even though Kelly and Bristol couldn’t seem to be more different, Bristol is going to try to find their common ground to recreate her waltz. They are on the surface opposites, but they both have very famous parents who thrust them into the limelight, so the “Bristallion” (thanks for that, Mark Balls) is going to try to pull it off.
Bristol and Mark, Prom 2010: Awkward Nights
I, for one, thought their recreation was very meh. They stuck to the basic steps, but omitted quite a few things from Kelly’s dance that made it special. Bristol was veyr heavy on her feet and would have misstepped more than once if Mark wasn’t working that shit like the rent was DUE. She also lacked the wonder and charm that Kelly had that made up for her lackluster talent.
Carrie Ann says that Bristol does have the endearing quality that Kelly possesses, but she doesn’t use it all the time. Kelly says that Bristol stole her heart, and cracks that even though she had “big shoes to fill”, she did really well. Len thinks that the two lack chemistry, which I would agree with-it’s like Mark is constantly trying to make out with a life sized cardboard cutout. Batshit says that Bristol needs to learn how to connect more but did very well.
Score: 33 (9 from guest judge Kelly)
Rick Fox: Slick has been given Helio Castroneves, the winner of season five, as his guest judge, with the task of recreating his quickstep to “Hey Pachuco” by the Royal Crown Revue. Wow-my hate for Mophead aside-what a harsh assignment! This was a super difficult quickstep, and not only is Slick about five feet taller and much more awkward than Helio, Mophead is definitely no Julianne Hough. Say what you want about Julianne (she’s a total golddigger/famewhore) she definitely inherited the same RoboHough Superior Choreography gene as her brother.
And she’s hot. And eerily blonde and slightly creepy, also just like her brother.
Mophead and Slick are trying to come up with a plan of attack for the Quickstep in rehearsals when one of my favorite people, Eliza Dushku, who unfortunately has bad taste in men and is dating Slick.
She thinks Slick gets too much into “professional athlete” mode while performing and comes off too seriously, rather than the fun loving Slick she knows him to be outside of the studio. They play around, and Mophead seems completely unamused by all of it.
I can’t tell if she just really hates Slick that much or if she’s just jealous that she’s not a successful actress who is getting dicked down by a rich NBA player.
Slick really, really tried hard on this quickstep, which was unfortunately one of the s.l.o.w.e.s.t. quicksteps I have ever seen. He definitely got into it personality wise (even if his frozen on scarily excited face was a bit much), but there is just ZERO chemistry to be found between he and Mophead. There were places where the footwork just seemed to drag on, and I won’t even comment on the awful costume.
The Jolly Green Giant joke will just have to make itself.
Len thought Slick came out and enjoyed himself, and it was slick, and good. Batshit thought he had more faces than Jim Carrey, but that it was one of his best performances. I know Helio and Carrie Ann had something to say, but the ABC video player was kind enough to glitch out the last minute of the judging so I can’t tell you what it was. I would assume that Helio said nothing but nice, safe things and Carrie Ann tried to rub her shit all over Slick yet once again.
Score: 37 (wow, 10 from Helio and 9′s from the judges-I didn’t think it was THAT good.)
Brandy:sucks. Beyond that, she and her poor hostage, my Baby Daddy, have been given the Foxtrot this week, originally danced by Gilles Marini to “Fever” by Peggy Lee. Enough of Moesha, though…it’s time for….
The Weekly Gratuitous Maksim is Hot Picture. You’re welcome.
One thing I noticed while searching for Hot Baby Daddy pics-has anyone else ever thought that young, hairless Maks-
Seriously resembles that hottie from HGTV’s Income Property?
Have I just had too much to drink tonight, or do you guys see it too?
I also had to throw in one from my own personal collection:
Merry Christmas, Love Baby Daddy and HappyHousewife. XOXO
Enough messing around. Moesha is pretty sure that now that she’s back on top of the leaderboard, that no one else in the competition wants to win this as badly as she. The only problem is that she has to be seductive with Baby Daddy to nail this dance, and it makes her feel uncomfortable. Huh? What the french, toast? How on earth can grinding up on Maksim freaking McHotness make you feel anything but, ahem, warm in the pants? Seriously? I am done with this one. She’s a lost cause.
If you didn’t watch the episode, this would be the one routine I suggest you go back and watch. It was HOT. As much as I don’t like to say nice things about her, when Moesha can manage to hold back the melodrama and hoochie, girlfriend can perform. It really doesn’t hurt her cause either that Maks completely nailed the suave and sexy persona of this dance and made her look ten times better than she really way. Wow. Great dance. I’d be tempted to give it a ten, honestly.
First time all season he’s looked like he doesn’t want to strangle her.
Batshit flies up out of his seat, spouting off many grand superlatives to describe how sexy their dance was. He says it was driven by relentless eroticism and that he is now satisfied for three months. Ew, I’d hate to be the guy who has to mop under that table. Gilles, the guest judge, agrees that the sexiness was unreal and that he was amazed. Carrie Ann thought the transitions were seamless but called Mo out on one mistake (I didn’t see it) and Len actually said the mistake was not a big deal and that it was one of the best dances of the season.
Score: 37 (9 from Gilles, and a 10 from Len? Wow.)
*Side Note: I guess Gilles caught a lot of shit for giving Mo and Maks a 9 (which Maks, Brandy, and the audience was pleased with). He told the press at the afterparty that people were saying he was too harsh and that he was just trying to be fair and honest, and would never be judging again. I’m confused as to what the drama is even about-he said nothing but nice things in his judging, and he’s not the only one who gave a 9-Carrie Ann and Bruno did as well, as they should have, due to the mistake that Carrie Ann caught. As for the other celeb judges, most of them tossed out 10′s just because, but Kelly gave a 9 as well and didn’t catch any flack. So I don’t get it. If someone wants to explain it to my drunk ass in the comments, feel free.
Jennifer Grey: I saw in an afterparty interview that this trick actually brought her poor, talented father along to witness this hot mess of a show. He said that he wept with pride, but he is one of the best actors on the planet, so if there’s no pictures-it didn’t happen.
Ken Doll is bracing her so her head doesn’t fall off. He knows all about that.
These two will be taking on season two winner Drew Lachey’s tango to “Shut Up” by the Black Eyed Peas. Talk about the perfect song assignment for this one. Good call, producers. Maybe we will like each other yet.
J.Grey went to the doctor, on camera, this week in the hopes of making her whining look justified and regaining some sympathy votes from the audience. Unfortunately, her doctor did not have a cure for her “bitchassness” (thanks Diddy) and sent her on her way with a prescription of maximum strength ShutTheFuckUp. Ken Doll says she’s covered in bruises and feels bad because he forgets she’s 50 years old. They don’t have ages in Doll-land.
J managed to put on her big girl panties though (bending over must be hard when you’re old) and perform the tango. Other than a few teeny tiny mistakes in the footwork, it was pretty good. There was something lacking for me in the performance aspect that I haven’t seen before in these two, but if Drew and Mophead’s version managed to get perfect scores, Ken Doll and J.Grey should do just fine.
Carrie Ann reminds J.Grey that this show is a journey, and that everybody loves to see someone come back from a hard week, like she did tonight. Len thinks she vented all of her frustrations in this Tango, and it turned out well. Drew liked the musicality and lines, and actually tells her to suck it up. Love it. Batshit thought she was splendid and should be confident in herself.
Score: 37 (a 10 from Drew)
Okay, so with the team dances and guest judges scores all added in, the final leaderboard stacked up like so:
Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough – 37 & 27 = 64
Brandy and Maksim Chmerkovskiy – 37 & 27 = 64
Rick Fox and Cheryl Burke – 37 & 24 = 61
Kurt Warner and Anna Trebunskaya – 34 & 27 = 61
Kyle Massey and Lacey Schwimmer – 35 & 24 = 59
Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas – 33 & 24 = 57
What do you guys think of the 200th episode extravaganza? Dish it to me in the comments. Also-we can actually play the vodka game for next week! It’s going to be “Instant Choreography Week”. Each couple has been given a dance style to prepare for, but will not be given their music until 20 minutes before airing. This could make for either failures, or wins, of epic proportions-depending how you look at it. Anyhow, since no one can spill what song they are dancing to, here’s how we’ll play it. Guess who is dancing to what song-you’ll have five chances to win, because you can guess a song for each contestant! If you nail any of them, I’ll send you the bottle of vodka of your choice! Then we can take shots together via Twitter while we watch the finale. It’ll be great. Guessing closes two hours before airtime next week!!!
Love and Bubbles,