DWTS All-Stars Recap: Guilty As Charged


By PopePhilly | | 11:00 am | 20 Comments

Greetings, Gasmii! It’s week 5 of “DWTS All-Stars.” Tonight, it’s guilty pleasures night! I’m actually really excited about this. I have a number of guilty pleasure songs myself. Most of my friends know me as a huge punk rock/ska/ska core fan, but I’ve been known to sing along to every word of “Bad Romance,” I’ve definitely danced around my apartment to “Womanizer,” and I love Kelly Clarkson like it’s my job. Also, in the minicap, you all witnessed part of my Meat Loaf obsession.  

I want him on next season!

More importantly, no one gets sent home this week. I’m most happy about only having to watch two hours of this show thanks to the Presidential debates. Before we get to the dances…what the fuck is Brooke wearing? Is that the costume that Chelsie wore in her foxtrot with Helio? Apparently a lot of people thought it was as hideous as I do because I could only find a very tiny picture of it.

She apparently just busted out of a very formal prison. 

First up, it’s Val and Kelly dancing the Samba to “Want U Back” by Cher Lloyd. I’ve never heard this song in my entire life, so I don’t know if it’s a cool guilty pleasure song or not. Can someone fill me in? We see a clip of Val visiting Kelly on the set of “General Hospital.” Kelly is very nervous about the samba, but Val is at her service to make sure she is at ease. I’m sure he is. 

Something seemed off about that dance. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I thought the samba was really fast. That seemed like a really toned down version of the dance. Do the judges agree with me? Len thought that it took a long time for the actual dance to get started. He thought it was a bit too raunchy. Bruno alliterated a lot. He didn’t think that Kelly had a natural bounce for the samba. Carrie Ann thought that Kelly’s upper body was a bit too stiff and it wasn’t her best dance.

Scores:
Carrie Ann – 8
Len – 8
Bruno – 8 and a HALF!
24.5/30
Brooke makes for an awkward moment by asking about what is going on in the Val’s dressing room. Thanks, Brooke.

Hooray! It’s Gilles! He and Peta are dancing a rumba to “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston. Gilles wants this dance to be sexy enough to create a lot of babies. Gilles doesn’t have to dance to cause a lot of baby making. He can just come over to my apartment. 

Now, seeing this done as a sexy rumba makes me laugh a little bit. I always just think back to an interview with Dolly Parton where she explained that she composed this about her song writing partner when they decided to end their professional relationship. Gilles is definitely not portraying a professional relationship! Obviously, this dance has a Bodyguard theme. Every time I think of that movie, I think of this comic:

Too soon?

Do I even have to say that the dance was sexy as hell? Gilles could probably make toast and I’d be a puddle on the floor. That man is sex appeal personified. Also, I have a thing for men in professional attire. It’s a lingering side effect of many years involved in speech and debate. Suits are just hot to me. 

Bruno thought that it wasn’t a dance – it was “master class theater.” Well, that sucks considering this is a dance competition. Carrie Ann falls off her chair. That is kind of awesome. I don’t want to see her hurt, but it always makes me smile when ridiculous beautiful people do something like that. I think it was all a ploy to get Gilles to manhandle her when she needed help getting up. Len doesn’t really like that Peta kept lifting her leg. That’s all he had to say. Thanks, Len.

Scores:
Carrie Ann – 10
Len – 9.5
Bruno – 10
29.5/30
What is it going to take for Len to give up that 10? Ooh! I’m a poet just like Len is sometimes!

It’s time for Kirstie and Maks to do their quickstep to “Mrs. Robinson.” I call BS on this being Kirstie’s guilty pleasure song. No one on the planet is surprised that Kirstie likes a song by Simon and Garfunkel. It’s a universal truth that Simon and Garfunkel is a wonderful band. Now, if someone like Apolo said he loved the song “Mrs. Robinson,” that would be surprising. Kirstie was born in the 50s – she grew up in the 60s! She is required by law to like Simon and Garfunkel!

Holy shit! I officially love Maks! He actually said that there is no one left who isn’t a great dancer now that Bristol is gone. Maks, I never liked you much before. After that comment, welcome to my good side. Kirstie thinks, however, that there are still people there who aren’t great entertainer. Compared to Kirstie, no one is a very good entertainer. She knows her strengths. She is really upset that she isn’t getting the dance right away. Although she’s not the best dancer, I will definitely giver her credit for wanting to do her best. 

PopePhilly

Aside from making fun of reality television on a weekly basis, PopePhilly is a legal assistant by day and avid kickball player by night (well, at least on Thursdays). On the nerd front, she is an active member of the forensic speech and debate community. She spends her time judging at tournaments throughout the country and serving on the board of directors for the West Chester University alumni chapter of Pi Kappa Delta (yes, speech nerds get to pretend to be cool by having Greek letters).

20 Comments

  1. 1
    Faye
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 11:14 am

    PopePhilly – the first time I heard of that song and the person singing it was on a DWTS results show. The performance was Britney Spears doing Gimme More at the VMA’s level bad. The singer was stiff and unanimated. I don’t have the tvgasm talent to put into words how bad it was. A train wreck stopped outside my house to watch (*is this thing on*) Yeah, that’s all I got … back to reading

  2. 2
    SaraKate
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 11:58 am

    Uck. Besides Gilles in a towel, the Gangnam Style dance was hideously horrible. It was just ugly.

  3. 3
    begonia skies
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    @PopePhilly – for the record, i’d rather watch you do a jive to “ruby soho” than watch derek and shawn dance to that damn song. i always have high hopes for guilty pleasure songs and am usually disappointed. this is your chance to pick something awesome! you can dance every other week to “i will always love you” you have way less opportunity to dance to “rump shaker!”

  4. 4
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    People seem to forget that on Kirstie’s first season, they had a guilty pleasures night and she danced to Britney Spears. So this is like a second guilty pleasure for her. Granted yeah that wasn’t much of one but it wasn’t her MOST guilty pleasure.

  5. 5
    begonia skies
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    to clarify…by “that damn song” i meant “my heart will go on”

  6. 6
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    @Faye: I’m totally going to start saying “A train wreck stopped outside my house to watch” when something is worth than a train wreck! :)

    @SaraKate: I’m still going to stand by my love (well, like, really) for the “Gangnam Style” dance. However, your disagreement is why I tend to like the freestyle dances the best. There is so much more room for objectivity.

    @begonia skies: I have a friend who is a choreographer. I’m going to see if he can put together a jive to “Ruby Soho.” That’s one of my all time favorite songs. I agree with you when it comes to “pick something awesome.” I think the only person who really got the point was Emmitt. “Copacabana” is an AMAZING song for dancing – especially the samba. I probably would have peed myself had someone danced to “Rump Shaker.” Even more so if someone would have danced to “Informer.”

    @jarthon: Thanks for the info! I didn’t watch Kirstie’s initial season. I’ve always been so on and off with this show. I either watch every single episode of a season or completely ignore it. I may have to go back and find that dance. :)

  7. 7
    Enrique's Mole
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    @Popephilly – you were in the 8th grade when Titanic came out?! Imma go get in my hoveround now and head over to bingo…

  8. 8
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    @Enrique’s Mole: For what it’s worth, I have a Bingo app on my phone and I play it every night before I go to sleep…usually around 9:00 p.m. I’m physically young, but I’m mentally 90 sometimes. :)

    Also, I would LOVE a Hoveround. The people in those commercials look so happy at the Grand Canyon.

  9. 9
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 8:34 pm

    Because I will defend anyone who claims Barry Manilow for their guilty pleasure, since I will still belt out “Mandy” or “Weekend in New England” like the dorkiest dork I was in grade school, Emmitt was about nine when “Copacabana” came out. I could see it being his guilty pleasure just for that reason.

    And here’s my unpopular opinion: Gilles is undeniably gorgeous but he creeps me out. He’s too intensely earnest about the whole process.

  10. 10
    Gma96793
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 8:37 pm

    My guilty pleasure is watching gangnam style group dance over and over again!!!! Loved it!!!

  11. 11
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 9:00 pm

    @vallegirl: I’m with ya! I had “Can’t Smile Without You” stuck in my head all last week. I can completely understand Emmitt being a kid and loving that song. When I was a little song, my favorite song was “The Gambler” by Kenny Rogers. I still smile whenever I hear that song and MamaPhilly and PapaPhilly still like to make fun of me for thinking the chorus was about “Dough in the hole.” :)

    @Gma96793: *High five.* Yes, it was a train wreck, but it was still a hell of a lot of fun. It was everything a guilty pleasure should be.

  12. 12
    Hops
    Posted October 26, 2012 at 7:28 am

    I liked Brooke’s dress, but I am a sucker for black and white stripes.

  13. 13
    Faye
    Posted October 26, 2012 at 7:44 am

    I wonder what Derek could do with one my guilty pleasures – Fight the Power (Public Enemy – Motherfu*k him and John Wayne!!!) Secret Garden (Bruce Springsteen) Aint No Call Like a Booty Call (Blackstreet) Someone Else is Steppin In (ZZ Hill) September Morning (Neil Diamond)

    As for Gilles, I would loan him my rent money knowing full well he probably wouldn’t pay me back but it would give me an excuse to go to his house everyday to ask him for my money. I better not see him naked on payday!

  14. 14
    Angela
    Posted October 26, 2012 at 7:46 am

    @vallegirl: Yes! That is what bugs me about Gilles. He is so into it that he comes off way too seriously and somewhat arrogant at times. He is undeniably a good dancer, but his approach is off-putting. I feel the same way about Melissa but my hope that Tony finally wins one of these keeps me rooting for her.

  15. 15
    Samanda
    Posted October 26, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    I tend to be a rather cranky Len-like judge for these things. I hate to see weak dancers beat out better ones due to fandom, or ‘entertainment value’ for the most part. While I like Kristie Alley, she is by far the weakest dancer, and I believe should be the next one eliminated. HOWEVER, all that went out the window for the Gangnam Style dance. I was rolling with laughter throughout, and I loved it! Kelly was right on when she said that a trainwreck is fun to watch sometimes. I was happy that the judges all gave out 9s, I thought that was fair considering.

    I know some people don’t love Shawn, but she is my favorite. I don’t like the ‘artsy’ dances nearly as much as clean choreographed and taightly executed ones, and she has amazing technical skills. She is also adorable! Some people have complained about some of the contestants having previous dance experience, and I totally get the point that not everyone starts on equal footing, but that seems like a complaint for casting. Once they are on the show I don’t think anyone should be penalized for being good at dance in a dance competition.

    You can add me to the list of those who love Gilles. He is really good, and his earnesty comes off as boyish and adorable to me. He was also a complete unknown prior to his first go on DWTS, and owes a lot of his career to his success on the show. I can understand why he loves the oppertunity so much and is so grateful to be there and perform again.

    I will also join your petition to get Sabrina in some flattering costumes. She is ‘hollywood fat’ but actually pretty good looking. Some of her outfits have been so bad that is really took away from her performance, because I was too distracted by her jiggling all over the place and waiting for a boob to come flying out.

  16. 16
    Prairie Dawn
    Posted October 27, 2012 at 10:54 pm

    I’ve been a lurker her for a while and just thought I’d mention Giles shows full frontal in the Sex and the City movie.

  17. 17
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted October 28, 2012 at 11:44 am

    @Hops: I like black and white stripes too (I dress mainly in black and white and a bit of red from time to time). It was just a terrible choice for a formal gown (IMO). :)

    @Faye: Best. Plan. EVER!

    @Samanda: I don’t think those witch dance experience should be penalized. I agree that it’s more of a casting issue – they really should have some kind of rule about the contestants and how much experience they can have prior to the show.

    @Prairie Dawn: (Love the name, btw!) Thanks for finally breaking your silence to share that bit of information. I suddenly appreciate “Sex and the City” more than I ever did. Happy lurking – hope you join the conversation again! :)

  18. 18
    Samanda
    Posted October 29, 2012 at 3:27 am

    I know I just posted about how much I like Shawn, but someone has seriously got to stop her from doing that horrible squat move. She did a weird squat and handshake with Derek this week, and last week she did a squat and slap your knees move. It looks terrible squating like that in a skirt, and it doesn’t show any technical merrit either. I don’t know why they keep doing that, but it seriously needs to stop.

  19. 19
    Leto
    Posted October 29, 2012 at 9:17 am

    So, PopePhilly. I said I’d come read your recaps, but as I don’t watch the show, I understand nothing. So I tried and watch the first episode… And OMG. First this show is very long. Second, I love dancing (at home where nobody can see me :p) but watching other people dance bores me to no end. And third… I don’t know who half the stars coming on this show are x). This is just a shame.

    I want your email, girl.

  20. 20
    wcsdancer
    Posted October 30, 2012 at 9:25 am

    @Samanda, I have to disagree a little about Shawn. While I do like her, and she is adorable, she does not *dance*. She performs choreography and she does it really well. But she has zero musicality. I can appreciate that you don’t care for the “artsy” dances, but for me, something is a bit off when the person has no connection to the music.

    I’m also a Gilles fan. I like that he’s trying so hard.

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