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Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen! I must be crazy drunk high am so pleased to be back ‘capping another season of sequins, semi-fancy footwork, and poor biased judging for all of my Gasmic Darlings! My life is just not complete without the glitter madness known as Dancing With The Stars.
Just like The Berge is not complete without deep throating microphones and The Brooke is not complete without showing off her cleave.
Hopefully you all read the “Meet The Cast” intro that Flipit and I put together, because then you’ll be all caught up on my initial predictions, and how wrong I was! I should know better than to write things while sober-I always try to make sense and then I’m all wrong and it’s full of the suck. At least when you’re all hopped up on pharmaceuticals you have something to blame your failures on.
Speaking of failures…
Poor Kym. First she’s stuck with Mormon Royalty, then gets King Boozey. Talk about both sides of the spectrum.
The Predicament doesn’t have shit on this bitch.
The introductions are pretty standard, each couple being named while walking down the stairs. Still waiting and wishing and hoping and praying for someone to eat shit while going down, but except for a near miss by Large Marge, no luck. Highlights of the introductions: “Teen Activist” Bristol Palin-so, is activist the new slang for slut? If so, just call me Suburban Drunken Activist, HappyHousewife. Shit, I need to get that printed on some business cards. Sounds all fancy. Also, “Music Legend” Michael Bolton. Yes, he was super duper famous for a few years when I was a kid, but what’s he done to be relevant in the last decade other than boning a desperate housewife? Using that logic, HappyHusband is an “engineering legend”. Legendary Laughingstock would be more accurate, thanks to the greatest movie in the land, Office Space.
Why should I change? He’s the one who sucks.
A few disclaimers I should throw in before I get started: pretty much everything I’m going to say in this recap is strictly my opinion, and pure bullshit conjecture. We all know that virtually all reality TV is not really reality at all, and I think that while DWTS can’t really be completely scripted, it is set up to get certain results. I think the partnerships are chosen very carefully (why can’t the producers throw poor Chelsie or Louis a bone already?) and the judging could hardly be called consistent, let alone accurate. Again, just my opinion, not fact, and only throwing this out there so you can save yourself the hate mail about how full of crap I am. It’s pretty obvious I’m full of crap, tell me something I don’t know.
With that out of the way, let’s rock and roll!
Wait, so you’re saying I can wave whenever I want? Where’s Lauren? Where’s my script? I can’t breathe without a cue. I’M SO CONFUSED!
Audrina Patridge: I’m actually pretty happy for her partner, Tony Dovolani. I like the guy, but he has not been given much to work with partner wise so far in his DWTS career (except for that Keibler chick), culminating in being paired with Shitler last season.
This week, they were very happy to pull the Cha-Cha, to California Gurls by Katy Perry, because it’s fun and sassy-much unlike our girl Droopy (her eyes, not her rack). Tony is pleased because Droopy actually picked up the routine very quickly. I’m finding it a bit hard to hate on the girl because she seems rather likable, definitely moreso than some of her Hills costars.
As for the performance-I was surprised. I expected her to march around the floor all zombielike, a’la Kim Kardashian, but she was actually decent! You could see in a few places where she was still counting her steps, but when she let go and trusted herself, it was nice and fluid. Very basic, but pretty damn good for week one. First judging of the year-someone get me a beer! Batshit Bruno is confused, though, referring to her as a “show pony”-no, Bruno, this is the Hills star that resembles a basset hound. Heidi Montag is the horsey one. Geez. Len referred to clenched buttocks, and Carrie Ann was pleased, thinking she has major potential. Score: 19
In between judging and actually receiving the scores, as you all know, the contestants must help eat up some screen time by visiting The Brooke in the Celebriquarium. 99% of the time, these interviews are awkward, pointless, and will make you feel dumber than before you watched it. So unless someone gets naked, violent, or exciting in there, I will save your brain cells and mine by skimming over the fluff.
Yup, that one’s definitely a fluffer.
Kurt Warner: Okay dudes, if you were hoping for some Kurt snark from me, I can officially let you know that you’re not going to get it. After watching his intro, I have decided that he is adorable! He’s got 7 kids, one of which is special needs, he’s a philanthropist, an all around good guy. And a quarterback. I have a thing for quarterbacks. They can throw it deep, run it in, and make plays happen. Rawr. He’s been partnered with Anna, which is a great match for him-she’s as sweet as he is, and she does well with athletes.
I dub thee, Cute Warner. Swoon.
They’ve been assigned the Viennese Waltz for tonight, to the tune of “This Ain’t a Love Song” by Bon Jovi. Cute’s all clumsy at first, but really starts to get the hang of the footwork and posture by the end of rehearsals.
Anna’s looking gorgeous in a deep red dress, and I thought their performance was a great effort for week one. A few posture issues, a few weak arms, but he seemed quite comfortable and graceful on the dance floor.
Batshit thought Cute Warner was very graceful and light on his feet for a quarterback, and that he has great potential. Carrie Ann agrees, and complimented him on his natural connection with the audience and with Anna. Len was a total dick (big surprise) at judging, and completely unfair. He said that the performance was not graceful or lyrical, and he completely trashed it. Please see my disclaimer above about biased judging. Note to self: do not ever listen to Len. Fucking Alzheimers is rotting his brain. As for the QB, do we have a sleeper contender here? He was also very gracious while being interview by The Brooke, saying that he is used to not being able to please everyone from his NFL career, and it’s okay.
He gets a 7, 5 (FU LEN), 7. Score: 19
Kyle Massey: No wonder I didn’t know who in the hell this kid is: He’s a Disney star not named Miley and without naked pics on the internet. Fame fail! The Berge informs us that Kyle is relevant because he’s a rapper and was on a “smash hit” show called “Cory In The House”. Yeah, must have been real popular if my kids haven’t even heard of it. And I was wrong about Margaret Cho…Chubs here is actually the token fat chick of the season. Or is it his partner, Lacey? Love the girl, but damn…either the new blonde hair is extremely unflattering on her or girlfriend spent her season off eating Ding Dongs. I had to check twice to make sure I wasn’t watching Dance Your Ass Off.
I didn’t know Aubrey O’Day was on this season!?!?
Aubrey calls Chubs out for staring at her rack during rehearsals, but I think she’s giving herself too much credit. They’re not that big, and they have a floppy quality to them. Hopefully she’s saving up some of her bank this season for some implants. Everyone knows fake tits are the secret to a fulfilling life.
As for their Cha Cha to “My First Kiss” by 3OH!3 (that was extremely painful to write, I cannot believe trash like that is repping my beloved Denver) and Ke$ha (speaking of trash), holy shit! Chubs has got some moves! Aubrey and her over the top faces aside, Chubs busted it out. I’m not sure if he has any formal training or not, but you would have never known by looking at him. It may have been mostly charisma and swagger, but that will get you far in a competition like this.
He’s not impressed with the blonde hair either.
Carrie Ann has a crush on Chubs, and she was totally impressed by their performance. Len liked it (I guess everyone can get something right once in a while), and Batshit compared Chubs to an energetic, naughty little puppy that he wants to take home with him. Awesome, Batshit’s into bestiality. I could have gone on with life without knowing that. Score: 23
The more you don’t want to watch this show.
Rick Fox: Of course, the contestant that creeps me out the most is partnered with the pro I like the least: our dear friend Mophead. Lovely. The Cheryl Burke Fanclub is going to spend another entire season sending me death threats. I got a new email address for you guys, though: email@example.com.
Someone actually asking for her autograph causes her to orgasm. Fame. Whore.
Has Slick Rick had work done? Over the top veneers also? Is that why his face creeps me out?
Hey, that’s one of the Jackson 5! No, not the dead one.
Slick’s pretty sure he’s going to be an awesome dancer because he played basketball on hardwood floors, and you dance on hardwood floors, so obviously that translates. Duh. He is over a foot taller than Mophead, so I’m very interested to see how this will translate. They worked on how to adjust their posture in rehearsals, and girlfriend got herself a higher pair of heels.
My biased opinion is that their performance was only meh, but after rewatching, I have to admit, they were pretty good. They overcame the height difference and Slick doesn’t move like a dude that is 6’7″. IMO, Kurt’s dance was not substandard to this one, but Len must like dark meat because he was swooning all over this one…7 for Rick and a 5 for Kurt? Racist! Like, backwards racism or something! Batshit predicts a showdown between the two athletes in the competition, and he also thought their performances were evenly matched. Carrie Ann is all wet in the panties over this dude and made the obligatory “You’re such a fox” joke. Har har.
Only redeeming factor? The shots of Missy in the audience. “Are you trying to tell me you speak fag?” Score: 22
Margaret Cho: Yeah, Large Marge is back to being semi fat! And she is all tatted up, and does her mom impression in the first 20 seconds of her intro! Yay! I like her so much better fat. Food makes people happy. And funny. (So what’s my excuse?) She’s partnered with Louis, of course, because I guess his contract has the chubby chick clause? Or he has exceptional upper body strength? Who knows.
Large Marge gets all verklempt in rehearsals because she always wanted to be a ballerina when she was a kid, but was made fun of for being a “fat ballerina”. Then she started purging and got famous! Yay! Kidding.
Bulimia: You’re doing it wrong. You have to purge after you binge, or it doesn’t work.
Louis and Large Marge waltzed to “We Are the Champions” by Queen. They took a humorous turn to the performance, and I thought it was funny. She did take her face a little too far, though.
Okay, okay, I’m sorry, I was just joking with the bulimia dig! Please don’t eat me! But if you do, puke me up after, kay?
AND OMG her mom was in the crowd! Please please please talk to Mom!!!
The judges did NOT appreciate the humor in the Viennese Waltz, though, and showed it in the scoring. Batshit was like me and was worried she was going to eat him (don’t worry, Bruno, I think you’re a little too fruity tasting for her), Carrie Ann thought it was too overdone, and Len did not think this particular style of dance was appropriate for joking around. Score: 15
Brandy: I ain’t gotta lie to kick it. I was a gigantic Brandy fan back in the day. I cannot even tell you how many afternoons I spent pining over a fellow eighth grader and crying my heart out while singing along to “Have You Ever”.
Even she can’t stand to watch the Ray-J/Kim K sex tape.
Bonus points for being partnered with the one, the only, my baby daddy, Mr. Maksim Chmerkovskiy.
Words are not necessary.
Brandy and Baby Daddy will be performing a Viennese Waltz to “Cry Me Out” by Pixie Lott this week. Brandy is overwhelmed at first by Baby Daddy’s hotness (aren’t we all) then says that she will welcome his verbal abuse because she needs someone to be hard on her (that’s what I said).
I said 1,2, STEP, bitch! Now you must die.
Brandy is probably this season’s favorite to win, and has prior dance training, so we should hold her to a bit higher standard. Overall, she did really well. A little stiffer than I would have expected (and she’s not the one I want stiff), but very well danced.
Carrie Ann thinks she hit some of her lines a little too hard, but agreed that it was a good performance. Len thought she made a fantastic impression and danced fabulously. Batshit says he loves the taste of Brandy in the evening, and I’m surprised because I would have sworn that he doesn’t swing that way. Score: 23
Bristol Palin: Next up this evening is the “teen activist” from Alaska. Shit, I was way too hard on Pammy Anderson last season-she was actually just a “meth activist”! Got it. Isn’t Bristol a Nascar Speedway? That’s probably where her white trash parents got the inspiration for her name. Anyhoo, Nascar is paired up with Mark Balls this season.
Bitch, put those things away! That’s what got you into this mess in the first place.
So all I’ve heard all day long is how good she did last night considering she’s never really been in the public eye before (bullshit), how she’s only infamous thanks to her mom (true) and how endearing her shyness was (Levi says she’s not shy at all). Call me cynical, but if the limelight and tabloids really bother her that much, why go on the biggest reality show on network television? 21 million viewers last night! Way to get yourself some privacy, trick. You obviously inherited your mother’s intelligence. If you want to stay out of the tabloids, dump the baby daddy, go pick up a few shifts at the Wasilla IHOP, find yourself a cute little apartment and a non-douchebag husband, pop out a few more puppies and call it good.
Oh yeah. We’re talking about Dancing. Mark Balls and Nascar will be performing a Cha Cha to “Mama Told Me Not to Come”. Cheeky. There was a big brouhaha over the fact that Queen Sarah herself was supposed to be in the audience Monday night, and that the beefed up security detail was instructed that if there was a breach, Sarah was of higher priority than her daughter. Nice. Anyhow, Sarah didn’t show, and I hear it was because she and Nascar got into a huge fight Sunday night so she blew it off. Holy crap, where do I nominate this chick for Mother of the Year?
At least Nascar’s pretty.
Nascar tried really hard, I’ll give her that. And she’s pretty. See, I can be a nice girl! She was just SO stiff, and lacks the natural groove and swagger you need to have to be a good dancer. She may be able to gain some of that with time, though. Len agreed with me (ew), Batshit said that this is virgin territory for her (well, at least something still is) and she just needs to focus, and Carrie Ann thought she was going to be boring, but she has great legs. Score: 18
Week One and the teen mother is getting naked already. How cliched.
Florence Henderson: Yet another example of how wrong I was in the “meet the cast”. I love Aunt Flo already! She is totally witty, snarky, and ready to beat some bitches up on the dance floor. She’s paired up with Corky Ballas, Mark Balls’ dad. He comes on the show to dance with all the old ladies. Hey, everyone’s got a fetish.
Does this chick drink formaldehyde with dinner? She looks great, and is so well-preserved!
Ever wanted to know the root of Mark Balls’ dorkiness?
Meet Corky Balls.
Aunt Flo and Corky Balls will be dancing a Cha Cha to “Kiss Me, Honey Honey, Kiss Me” by Shirley Bassey. Aunt Flo thinks that even at her age, you can still be hot and sexy and show all the young tricks how it is done. She wants to be funny a’la Cloris, but she actually wants to perform the dances well. Aunt Flo is actually in very good shape, and drops f-bombs all over rehearsals. I think I just met my hero.
Their Cha Cha was very silly and simple, but it worked for her. I think she did much better than everyone, including myself was expecting. The judges did not like Large Marge’s attempt at humor, so we’ll see if Aunt Flo fared better.
And thanks to the biased scripted fair and balanced judging, she did! She and Batshit talked dirty to each other for a bit, and he said that while there are some things to work on, it was okay. Carrie Ann agreed, but likes Aunt Flo’s spunkiness. And Len contradicted all the times that he said “this is first and foremost a dance show” and says that while this is a dance show, it is also an entertainment show, and Aunt Flo is a great entertainer. Hypocrite! Score: 18.
Michael Bolton: Our beloved no-talent ass clown has ditched the mullet and is ready to rock out, hopefully not with his cock out (no one wants to see that). He tells us that he is best known for his raspy voice. Uh, Mike? No you’re not.
Reality check: Most of the world hates “When a Man Loves a Woman”
He’s partnered with the much maligned Chelsie Hightower. I love Chelsie so much and think she is an awesome, drama-free, talented dancer and choreographer that, for whatever reason, keeps getting stuck with the crappiest partners. Hopefully Ass Clown here is a bit better.
Well, after his atrocious showing in rehearsals, the performance was actually better than expected. But that’s about all the praise I can give. He has no posture, no flow, no rhythm. Stick to suckish singing, ‘kay, Mike?
Carrie Ann reminds Ass Clown that ballroom dancing is about the man leading, and that he leaned on Chelsie and let her lead almost the whole time. Len critiqued his posture, and Batshit talks about new things being painful. Yes, I bet that’s what he tells all the 18 year old boys he lures to his dungeon. Score: 16
The Situation: Confession time, folks. I haven’t seen one singular episode of Jersey Shore. I know. I figure I lost enough brain cells in college, I really don’t need to go around looking for ways to lose more. But from what I know, via recaps here on the ‘Gasm and what makes its way into the press, is that The Predicament is actually kind of a cool dude.
Well, that persona is lost within a few minutes of meeting him via intro. Wow, this guy thinks WAY too highly of himself. He thinks he looks like Rambo with his shirt off, and his only dance experience is “way too many nights at the club dancing with your girlfriend”.
I smell a shitty Situation.
Initial rehearsals were three weeks long, but The Predicament shows up with only a week left due to finishing up filming on Jersey Shore. He’s paired up with gold digger extraordinaire, Karina Smirnoff. From what I can tell, this dude’s definitely in a predicament, and 100 Proof is going to have work some serious magic to make this turn out.
They dance a Cha Cha to “Break Your Heart” by Taio Cruz, and it was certainly as painful as a broken heart, that’s for sure. Apparently The Predicament has confused Cha Cha with disco, because he keeps throwing up a finger reminiscent of The Hustle to the beat of the music. I guess I should give him some credit for not fist pumping through the whole thing.
There isn’t enough spray tan in the world to cover up the pallor of suck.
What self-respecting grown male shaves stars into the side of their fade?
Len actually thinks The Predicament has potential, but that he was sorely under rehearsed. He spat back some kind of retort, but no matter how many times I played it back, I couldn’t make out what he said. Len must have taken his meds today, because he spat right back with a, “Well, I think you have the guns, but are lacking the ammunition.” BURN. In a shocking twist, Batshit is the voice of reason and tells The Predicament that he will make an ass out of himself if carries on like that, and agrees with the potential comment. Carrie Ann agrees. Score: 15
Jennifer Grey: What is this, like the 80th time tonight I’m going to admit fault? I thought J.Grey was going to be my favorite and I would adore her for posterity’s sake. And I did, to an extent, until the rehearsals intro.
Partnered with Ken Doll, she was assigned a Viennese Waltz. Which was fine until she found out the song choice- “These Arms of Mine” by Otis Redding, from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. Now one would think, holy crap, how unfair, she’s danced to this song famously before, she can turn it into a Dirty Dancing/Patrick Swayze memorial and kill it in the sentimentality votes.
Well, she decided to take it a different way and start hysterically crying about how listening to the song “took her right back to being with Patrick” and how she missed him and tragedy! and blah blah blah. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not heartless, I’m sure it was sad. But I think she overplayed the drama BIG TIME for sympathy votes (she is an actress, after all), and that is just not cool. It wasn’t very believable, and was kind of gross.
Don’t get any tears on Ken Doll! He might short circuit!
Their performance was very good, but of course it was. She’s done ballroom before, it is a GREAT song to waltz to, and she’s partnered with Derek Freaking Ballroom Robot Hough. You kind of can’t lose with that combo.
Batshit announces that Baby is back and that someone in heaven is going to be very proud of her. Puke. Carrie Ann is crying and says that this is why she does what she does-to watch bad actresses put on overdramatic dance performances and cry on national TV. Len is impressed too. Score: 24.
David Hasselhoff: The final, and most glaring, instance of my suckage at predicting reality television. I thought The Hoff had this shit in the bag. I was SO wrong. I had no idea what a hot mess he’s really turned into-apparently, being pickled drunk 24 hours a day is kind of rough on you, and he is certainly looking rough these days.
He’s been paired up with the most lovely Kym Johnson, and I pity the poor girl for having to smell that vodka breath every rehearsal. The Hoff is just a very bad parody of himself, and while most people used to respect him because he was in on the joke and used it to his advantage, now it’s just kind of sad.
What? All the cool guys refer to themselves in the third person and get ragingly drunk in front of their teenagers.
They will be doing the Cha Cha to “Sex Bomb” by Tom Jones. Again, this would be an opportunity to be laughed with instead of laughed at, but judging by how terrible and completely wasted he is in rehearsals, I think this is turning into slapstick comedy quickly.
The Hoff tried to use overacting and pyrotechnics to secure himself a good score, but it didn’t work very well. He was stiff, he missed some steps, and there was no flow.
Carrie Ann calls him the offspring of Donny Osmond and Jerry Springer, and I couldn’t agree more. Len tells him he needs to improve on his footwork and the overacting, and Batshit loves the Hoff. Of course he does.
Jennifer & Derek: 24
Brandy & Maks: 23
Kyle & Lacey: 23
Rick & Cheryl: 22
Audrina & Tony: 19
Kurt & Anna: 19
Bristol & Mark: 18
Florence & Corky: 18
Michael & Chelsie: 16
David & Kym: 15
Margaret & Louis: 15
The Situation & Karina: 15
Ok, My Gasmic Darlings, what say you? Who do you think is going home tonight? I hope it’s Michael Bolton, but I’m afraid it’s going to be Margaret Cho due to her low score and lack of mainstream popularity, and that makes me really sad. I need another martini.
Loves and Bubbles, HappyHousewife!