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Wednesday, September 22, 2010
7:00 am
78 Comments
Tagged: abc, competition, dancing with the stars, don't hassel the hoff, funny, happyhousewife, hilarious, recaps, Satire, snarky, the situation, TV, tvgasm
Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen! I must be crazy drunk high am so pleased to be back ‘capping another season of sequins, semi-fancy footwork, and poor biased judging for all of my Gasmic Darlings! My life is just not complete without the glitter madness known as Dancing With The Stars.
Just like The Berge is not complete without deep throating microphones and The Brooke is not complete without showing off her cleave.
Hopefully you all read the “Meet The Cast” intro that Flipit and I put together, because then you’ll be all caught up on my initial predictions, and how wrong I was! I should know better than to write things while sober-I always try to make sense and then I’m all wrong and it’s full of the suck. At least when you’re all hopped up on pharmaceuticals you have something to blame your failures on.
Speaking of failures…
Poor Kym. First she’s stuck with Mormon Royalty, then gets King Boozey. Talk about both sides of the spectrum.
The Predicament doesn’t have shit on this bitch.
The introductions are pretty standard, each couple being named while walking down the stairs. Still waiting and wishing and hoping and praying for someone to eat shit while going down, but except for a near miss by Large Marge, no luck. Highlights of the introductions: “Teen Activist” Bristol Palin-so, is activist the new slang for slut? If so, just call me Suburban Drunken Activist, HappyHousewife. Shit, I need to get that printed on some business cards. Sounds all fancy. Also, “Music Legend” Michael Bolton. Yes, he was super duper famous for a few years when I was a kid, but what’s he done to be relevant in the last decade other than boning a desperate housewife? Using that logic, HappyHusband is an “engineering legend”. Legendary Laughingstock would be more accurate, thanks to the greatest movie in the land, Office Space.
Why should I change? He’s the one who sucks.
A few disclaimers I should throw in before I get started: pretty much everything I’m going to say in this recap is strictly my opinion, and pure bullshit conjecture. We all know that virtually all reality TV is not really reality at all, and I think that while DWTS can’t really be completely scripted, it is set up to get certain results. I think the partnerships are chosen very carefully (why can’t the producers throw poor Chelsie or Louis a bone already?) and the judging could hardly be called consistent, let alone accurate. Again, just my opinion, not fact, and only throwing this out there so you can save yourself the hate mail about how full of crap I am. It’s pretty obvious I’m full of crap, tell me something I don’t know.
With that out of the way, let’s rock and roll!
Wait, so you’re saying I can wave whenever I want? Where’s Lauren? Where’s my script? I can’t breathe without a cue. I’M SO CONFUSED!
Audrina Patridge: I’m actually pretty happy for her partner, Tony Dovolani. I like the guy, but he has not been given much to work with partner wise so far in his DWTS career (except for that Keibler chick), culminating in being paired with Shitler last season.
This week, they were very happy to pull the Cha-Cha, to California Gurls by Katy Perry, because it’s fun and sassy-much unlike our girl Droopy (her eyes, not her rack). Tony is pleased because Droopy actually picked up the routine very quickly. I’m finding it a bit hard to hate on the girl because she seems rather likable, definitely moreso than some of her Hills costars.
As for the performance-I was surprised. I expected her to march around the floor all zombielike, a’la Kim Kardashian, but she was actually decent! You could see in a few places where she was still counting her steps, but when she let go and trusted herself, it was nice and fluid. Very basic, but pretty damn good for week one. First judging of the year-someone get me a beer! Batshit Bruno is confused, though, referring to her as a “show pony”-no, Bruno, this is the Hills star that resembles a basset hound. Heidi Montag is the horsey one. Geez. Len referred to clenched buttocks, and Carrie Ann was pleased, thinking she has major potential. Score: 19
In between judging and actually receiving the scores, as you all know, the contestants must help eat up some screen time by visiting The Brooke in the Celebriquarium. 99% of the time, these interviews are awkward, pointless, and will make you feel dumber than before you watched it. So unless someone gets naked, violent, or exciting in there, I will save your brain cells and mine by skimming over the fluff.
Yup, that one’s definitely a fluffer.
Kurt Warner: Okay dudes, if you were hoping for some Kurt snark from me, I can officially let you know that you’re not going to get it. After watching his intro, I have decided that he is adorable! He’s got 7 kids, one of which is special needs, he’s a philanthropist, an all around good guy. And a quarterback. I have a thing for quarterbacks. They can throw it deep, run it in, and make plays happen. Rawr. He’s been partnered with Anna, which is a great match for him-she’s as sweet as he is, and she does well with athletes.
I dub thee, Cute Warner. Swoon.
They’ve been assigned the Viennese Waltz for tonight, to the tune of “This Ain’t a Love Song” by Bon Jovi. Cute’s all clumsy at first, but really starts to get the hang of the footwork and posture by the end of rehearsals.
Anna’s looking gorgeous in a deep red dress, and I thought their performance was a great effort for week one. A few posture issues, a few weak arms, but he seemed quite comfortable and graceful on the dance floor.
Batshit thought Cute Warner was very graceful and light on his feet for a quarterback, and that he has great potential. Carrie Ann agrees, and complimented him on his natural connection with the audience and with Anna. Len was a total dick (big surprise) at judging, and completely unfair. He said that the performance was not graceful or lyrical, and he completely trashed it. Please see my disclaimer above about biased judging. Note to self: do not ever listen to Len. Fucking Alzheimers is rotting his brain. As for the QB, do we have a sleeper contender here? He was also very gracious while being interview by The Brooke, saying that he is used to not being able to please everyone from his NFL career, and it’s okay.
He gets a 7, 5 (FU LEN), 7. Score: 19
Kyle Massey: No wonder I didn’t know who in the hell this kid is: He’s a Disney star not named Miley and without naked pics on the internet. Fame fail! The Berge informs us that Kyle is relevant because he’s a rapper and was on a “smash hit” show called “Cory In The House”. Yeah, must have been real popular if my kids haven’t even heard of it. And I was wrong about Margaret Cho…Chubs here is actually the token fat chick of the season. Or is it his partner, Lacey? Love the girl, but damn…either the new blonde hair is extremely unflattering on her or girlfriend spent her season off eating Ding Dongs. I had to check twice to make sure I wasn’t watching Dance Your Ass Off.
I didn’t know Aubrey O’Day was on this season!?!?
Aubrey calls Chubs out for staring at her rack during rehearsals, but I think she’s giving herself too much credit. They’re not that big, and they have a floppy quality to them. Hopefully she’s saving up some of her bank this season for some implants. Everyone knows fake tits are the secret to a fulfilling life.
As for their Cha Cha to “My First Kiss” by 3OH!3 (that was extremely painful to write, I cannot believe trash like that is repping my beloved Denver) and Ke$ha (speaking of trash), holy shit! Chubs has got some moves! Aubrey and her over the top faces aside, Chubs busted it out. I’m not sure if he has any formal training or not, but you would have never known by looking at him. It may have been mostly charisma and swagger, but that will get you far in a competition like this.
He’s not impressed with the blonde hair either.
Carrie Ann has a crush on Chubs, and she was totally impressed by their performance. Len liked it (I guess everyone can get something right once in a while), and Batshit compared Chubs to an energetic, naughty little puppy that he wants to take home with him. Awesome, Batshit’s into bestiality. I could have gone on with life without knowing that. Score: 23
The more you don’t want to watch this show.
Rick Fox: Of course, the contestant that creeps me out the most is partnered with the pro I like the least: our dear friend Mophead. Lovely. The Cheryl Burke Fanclub is going to spend another entire season sending me death threats. I got a new email address for you guys, though: dontcutyourself@itsjustalamerealityshow.com.
Someone actually asking for her autograph causes her to orgasm. Fame. Whore.
Has Slick Rick had work done? Over the top veneers also? Is that why his face creeps me out?
Hey, that’s one of the Jackson 5! No, not the dead one.
Slick’s pretty sure he’s going to be an awesome dancer because he played basketball on hardwood floors, and you dance on hardwood floors, so obviously that translates. Duh. He is over a foot taller than Mophead, so I’m very interested to see how this will translate. They worked on how to adjust their posture in rehearsals, and girlfriend got herself a higher pair of heels.
My biased opinion is that their performance was only meh, but after rewatching, I have to admit, they were pretty good. They overcame the height difference and Slick doesn’t move like a dude that is 6’7″. IMO, Kurt’s dance was not substandard to this one, but Len must like dark meat because he was swooning all over this one…7 for Rick and a 5 for Kurt? Racist! Like, backwards racism or something! Batshit predicts a showdown between the two athletes in the competition, and he also thought their performances were evenly matched. Carrie Ann is all wet in the panties over this dude and made the obligatory “You’re such a fox” joke. Har har.
Only redeeming factor? The shots of Missy in the audience. “Are you trying to tell me you speak fag?” Score: 22
Margaret Cho: Yeah, Large Marge is back to being semi fat! And she is all tatted up, and does her mom impression in the first 20 seconds of her intro! Yay! I like her so much better fat. Food makes people happy. And funny. (So what’s my excuse?) She’s partnered with Louis, of course, because I guess his contract has the chubby chick clause? Or he has exceptional upper body strength? Who knows.
Large Marge gets all verklempt in rehearsals because she always wanted to be a ballerina when she was a kid, but was made fun of for being a “fat ballerina”. Then she started purging and got famous! Yay! Kidding.
Bulimia: You’re doing it wrong. You have to purge after you binge, or it doesn’t work.
Louis and Large Marge waltzed to “We Are the Champions” by Queen. They took a humorous turn to the performance, and I thought it was funny. She did take her face a little too far, though.
Okay, okay, I’m sorry, I was just joking with the bulimia dig! Please don’t eat me! But if you do, puke me up after, kay?
AND OMG her mom was in the crowd! Please please please talk to Mom!!!
The judges did NOT appreciate the humor in the Viennese Waltz, though, and showed it in the scoring. Batshit was like me and was worried she was going to eat him (don’t worry, Bruno, I think you’re a little too fruity tasting for her), Carrie Ann thought it was too overdone, and Len did not think this particular style of dance was appropriate for joking around. Score: 15
Brandy: I ain’t gotta lie to kick it. I was a gigantic Brandy fan back in the day. I cannot even tell you how many afternoons I spent pining over a fellow eighth grader and crying my heart out while singing along to “Have You Ever”.
Even she can’t stand to watch the Ray-J/Kim K sex tape.
Bonus points for being partnered with the one, the only, my baby daddy, Mr. Maksim Chmerkovskiy.
Words are not necessary.
Brandy and Baby Daddy will be performing a Viennese Waltz to “Cry Me Out” by Pixie Lott this week. Brandy is overwhelmed at first by Baby Daddy’s hotness (aren’t we all) then says that she will welcome his verbal abuse because she needs someone to be hard on her (that’s what I said).
I said 1,2, STEP, bitch! Now you must die.
Brandy is probably this season’s favorite to win, and has prior dance training, so we should hold her to a bit higher standard. Overall, she did really well. A little stiffer than I would have expected (and she’s not the one I want stiff), but very well danced.
Carrie Ann thinks she hit some of her lines a little too hard, but agreed that it was a good performance. Len thought she made a fantastic impression and danced fabulously. Batshit says he loves the taste of Brandy in the evening, and I’m surprised because I would have sworn that he doesn’t swing that way. Score: 23
Bristol Palin: Next up this evening is the “teen activist” from Alaska. Shit, I was way too hard on Pammy Anderson last season-she was actually just a “meth activist”! Got it. Isn’t Bristol a Nascar Speedway? That’s probably where her white trash parents got the inspiration for her name. Anyhoo, Nascar is paired up with Mark Balls this season.
Bitch, put those things away! That’s what got you into this mess in the first place.
So all I’ve heard all day long is how good she did last night considering she’s never really been in the public eye before (bullshit), how she’s only infamous thanks to her mom (true) and how endearing her shyness was (Levi says she’s not shy at all). Call me cynical, but if the limelight and tabloids really bother her that much, why go on the biggest reality show on network television? 21 million viewers last night! Way to get yourself some privacy, trick. You obviously inherited your mother’s intelligence. If you want to stay out of the tabloids, dump the baby daddy, go pick up a few shifts at the Wasilla IHOP, find yourself a cute little apartment and a non-douchebag husband, pop out a few more puppies and call it good.
Oh yeah. We’re talking about Dancing. Mark Balls and Nascar will be performing a Cha Cha to “Mama Told Me Not to Come”. Cheeky. There was a big brouhaha over the fact that Queen Sarah herself was supposed to be in the audience Monday night, and that the beefed up security detail was instructed that if there was a breach, Sarah was of higher priority than her daughter. Nice. Anyhow, Sarah didn’t show, and I hear it was because she and Nascar got into a huge fight Sunday night so she blew it off. Holy crap, where do I nominate this chick for Mother of the Year?
At least Nascar’s pretty.
Nascar tried really hard, I’ll give her that. And she’s pretty. See, I can be a nice girl! She was just SO stiff, and lacks the natural groove and swagger you need to have to be a good dancer. She may be able to gain some of that with time, though. Len agreed with me (ew), Batshit said that this is virgin territory for her (well, at least something still is) and she just needs to focus, and Carrie Ann thought she was going to be boring, but she has great legs. Score: 18
Week One and the teen mother is getting naked already. How cliched.
Florence Henderson: Yet another example of how wrong I was in the “meet the cast”. I love Aunt Flo already! She is totally witty, snarky, and ready to beat some bitches up on the dance floor. She’s paired up with Corky Ballas, Mark Balls’ dad. He comes on the show to dance with all the old ladies. Hey, everyone’s got a fetish.
Does this chick drink formaldehyde with dinner? She looks great, and is so well-preserved!
Ever wanted to know the root of Mark Balls’ dorkiness?
Meet Corky Balls.
Aunt Flo and Corky Balls will be dancing a Cha Cha to “Kiss Me, Honey Honey, Kiss Me” by Shirley Bassey. Aunt Flo thinks that even at her age, you can still be hot and sexy and show all the young tricks how it is done. She wants to be funny a’la Cloris, but she actually wants to perform the dances well. Aunt Flo is actually in very good shape, and drops f-bombs all over rehearsals. I think I just met my hero.
Their Cha Cha was very silly and simple, but it worked for her. I think she did much better than everyone, including myself was expecting. The judges did not like Large Marge’s attempt at humor, so we’ll see if Aunt Flo fared better.
And thanks to the biased scripted fair and balanced judging, she did! She and Batshit talked dirty to each other for a bit, and he said that while there are some things to work on, it was okay. Carrie Ann agreed, but likes Aunt Flo’s spunkiness. And Len contradicted all the times that he said “this is first and foremost a dance show” and says that while this is a dance show, it is also an entertainment show, and Aunt Flo is a great entertainer. Hypocrite! Score: 18.
Michael Bolton: Our beloved no-talent ass clown has ditched the mullet and is ready to rock out, hopefully not with his cock out (no one wants to see that). He tells us that he is best known for his raspy voice. Uh, Mike? No you’re not.
Reality check: Most of the world hates “When a Man Loves a Woman”
He’s partnered with the much maligned Chelsie Hightower. I love Chelsie so much and think she is an awesome, drama-free, talented dancer and choreographer that, for whatever reason, keeps getting stuck with the crappiest partners. Hopefully Ass Clown here is a bit better.
Well, after his atrocious showing in rehearsals, the performance was actually better than expected. But that’s about all the praise I can give. He has no posture, no flow, no rhythm. Stick to suckish singing, ‘kay, Mike?
Carrie Ann reminds Ass Clown that ballroom dancing is about the man leading, and that he leaned on Chelsie and let her lead almost the whole time. Len critiqued his posture, and Batshit talks about new things being painful. Yes, I bet that’s what he tells all the 18 year old boys he lures to his dungeon. Score: 16
The Situation: Confession time, folks. I haven’t seen one singular episode of Jersey Shore. I know. I figure I lost enough brain cells in college, I really don’t need to go around looking for ways to lose more. But from what I know, via recaps here on the ‘Gasm and what makes its way into the press, is that The Predicament is actually kind of a cool dude.
Well, that persona is lost within a few minutes of meeting him via intro. Wow, this guy thinks WAY too highly of himself. He thinks he looks like Rambo with his shirt off, and his only dance experience is “way too many nights at the club dancing with your girlfriend”.
I smell a shitty Situation.
Initial rehearsals were three weeks long, but The Predicament shows up with only a week left due to finishing up filming on Jersey Shore. He’s paired up with gold digger extraordinaire, Karina Smirnoff. From what I can tell, this dude’s definitely in a predicament, and 100 Proof is going to have work some serious magic to make this turn out.
They dance a Cha Cha to “Break Your Heart” by Taio Cruz, and it was certainly as painful as a broken heart, that’s for sure. Apparently The Predicament has confused Cha Cha with disco, because he keeps throwing up a finger reminiscent of The Hustle to the beat of the music. I guess I should give him some credit for not fist pumping through the whole thing.
There isn’t enough spray tan in the world to cover up the pallor of suck.
What self-respecting grown male shaves stars into the side of their fade?
Len actually thinks The Predicament has potential, but that he was sorely under rehearsed. He spat back some kind of retort, but no matter how many times I played it back, I couldn’t make out what he said. Len must have taken his meds today, because he spat right back with a, “Well, I think you have the guns, but are lacking the ammunition.” BURN. In a shocking twist, Batshit is the voice of reason and tells The Predicament that he will make an ass out of himself if carries on like that, and agrees with the potential comment. Carrie Ann agrees. Score: 15
Jennifer Grey: What is this, like the 80th time tonight I’m going to admit fault? I thought J.Grey was going to be my favorite and I would adore her for posterity’s sake. And I did, to an extent, until the rehearsals intro.
Partnered with Ken Doll, she was assigned a Viennese Waltz. Which was fine until she found out the song choice- “These Arms of Mine” by Otis Redding, from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. Now one would think, holy crap, how unfair, she’s danced to this song famously before, she can turn it into a Dirty Dancing/Patrick Swayze memorial and kill it in the sentimentality votes.
Well, she decided to take it a different way and start hysterically crying about how listening to the song “took her right back to being with Patrick” and how she missed him and tragedy! and blah blah blah. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not heartless, I’m sure it was sad. But I think she overplayed the drama BIG TIME for sympathy votes (she is an actress, after all), and that is just not cool. It wasn’t very believable, and was kind of gross.
Don’t get any tears on Ken Doll! He might short circuit!
Their performance was very good, but of course it was. She’s done ballroom before, it is a GREAT song to waltz to, and she’s partnered with Derek Freaking Ballroom Robot Hough. You kind of can’t lose with that combo.
Batshit announces that Baby is back and that someone in heaven is going to be very proud of her. Puke. Carrie Ann is crying and says that this is why she does what she does-to watch bad actresses put on overdramatic dance performances and cry on national TV. Len is impressed too. Score: 24.
David Hasselhoff: The final, and most glaring, instance of my suckage at predicting reality television. I thought The Hoff had this shit in the bag. I was SO wrong. I had no idea what a hot mess he’s really turned into-apparently, being pickled drunk 24 hours a day is kind of rough on you, and he is certainly looking rough these days.
He’s been paired up with the most lovely Kym Johnson, and I pity the poor girl for having to smell that vodka breath every rehearsal. The Hoff is just a very bad parody of himself, and while most people used to respect him because he was in on the joke and used it to his advantage, now it’s just kind of sad.
What? All the cool guys refer to themselves in the third person and get ragingly drunk in front of their teenagers.
They will be doing the Cha Cha to “Sex Bomb” by Tom Jones. Again, this would be an opportunity to be laughed with instead of laughed at, but judging by how terrible and completely wasted he is in rehearsals, I think this is turning into slapstick comedy quickly.
The Hoff tried to use overacting and pyrotechnics to secure himself a good score, but it didn’t work very well. He was stiff, he missed some steps, and there was no flow.
Carrie Ann calls him the offspring of Donny Osmond and Jerry Springer, and I couldn’t agree more. Len tells him he needs to improve on his footwork and the overacting, and Batshit loves the Hoff. Of course he does.
Final Leaderboard:
Jennifer & Derek: 24
Brandy & Maks: 23
Kyle & Lacey: 23
Rick & Cheryl: 22
Audrina & Tony: 19
Kurt & Anna: 19
Bristol & Mark: 18
Florence & Corky: 18
Michael & Chelsie: 16
David & Kym: 15
Margaret & Louis: 15
The Situation & Karina: 15
Ok, My Gasmic Darlings, what say you? Who do you think is going home tonight? I hope it’s Michael Bolton, but I’m afraid it’s going to be Margaret Cho due to her low score and lack of mainstream popularity, and that makes me really sad. I need another martini.
Loves and Bubbles, HappyHousewife!
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78 Comments
Excellent recap. And many many many many thanks for the Maksim in a towel photo. Please include similar fare in every recap.
Thank you.
The voters Hasseled The Hoff right off. That was the right choice. What a train wreck!
Copy/paste the entire recap and that is my favorite quote! This was a great recap!!! Ok while I can remember Punky Brewster came on Saturdays on channel 3(NBC), I can admit that I knew who Kyle Massey is. I never watched Cory in the House, but sure as hell watch That’s So Raven(don’t judge me). It appears that he hasn’t grown since the show went off the air. If Cho falls of the stage and misses every step I will still root for her, as I said in another recap….nothing like those old VH1 comedy shows. Com’on who didn’t have a HUGE grin on their face when she did the Mom impersonation(LOVE HER). Flo surprised the hell out of me(I may have a tad more hell i me) showing the granny bra(which are quite supportive I must say)…. oops abs:) I still want Bristol to go home, I don’t care if she dances better than her partner(thank your Mother teenage whore)
The Sarah Palin hate is really a bit much…and sleeping with one guy does not a “whore” make. Really preople…dial it back a little.
make that “people.” Damn keyboard.
I totally agree that there’s a hierarchy as to who gets which celebrity. It’s usually explained that the celebrities can request a specific dancer and then casting tries to match them up based upon height and age and whatever else, but I noticed that even when Turtle-faced Hough gets a “woman of a certain age” she’s freaking Jennifer Grey. He probably would have been paired with Brandy if Brandy weren’t tall. And now that Jonathan’s taken an extended break, Tony gets the lost causes. Audrina did better than I thought, but I don’t think she’s long for the competition.
Bristol is a bay in Alaska, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the NASCAR speedway didn’t figure into it, too. She wasn’t completely dull, but she’s not going to light up the phone lines. And I laughed when someone referred to her (Brooke?) as a receptionist. Just a simple girl with a dream.
I thought Len giving Rick a 7 was fair because he did have better posture than Kurt, but Kurt should have gotten a 6 because his footwork wasn’t worse than Rick’s, and he did have that one spin where it all could have gone horribly wrong but it flowed nicely. I usually like Len but I do think he was being unnecessarily dickish to Kurt. Even if the performance was horrible, which it wasn’t, it’s Kurt Warner, and it’s the first week. Treat the guy with the same respect he shows you.
And I am immuned to Maks’ charms. I can see he has a good body because he forces me to look at it all the time, not that I’m complaining, but he also forces me to look at his underbite, lantern jaw and jughead as well as listen to his idiocy, and he definitely comes off better when he’s silent. Plus he’s way too manscaped for my taste. Dude’s in his 30s, he’s allowed to at least have pubes. But then, I always thought Alec was the hottest dancer.
If you need backup whenever you talk smack about Mophead, though, just call me. She’s chapped my ass since she punked out on Wayne Newton, not that I blame her but if Kym, Chelsie and Edyta can smile through the crap celebrities they get forced to work with, so can pissy little Mophead.
I’m not a Sarah Palin supporter but is unfortunate that a lot of people transfer their hate for her onto her daughter. We don’t know much about Bristol except that she got knocked up and the baby daddy is a douche. I agree the ‘whore’ comment is a bit much… and at least she took responsibility for her actions and didn’t jump to America’s #1 form of birth control… just saying. The reasons people seem to hate her are petty.
Then again, I haven’t heard her preach on all of her political stances… so if she is a copy cat version of Sarah… well then maybe I’d understand better.
P.S. Great Recap! Thanks for the laughs!
Hey guys! Can’t believe The Hoff got the boot! I think all the bad press regarding his drunken shenanigans really did him in, not to mention his horrible dancing. Glad America got it right! I really hope Cho sticks around for awhile, loves her.
@Cattyfan-thanks! And I agree, I specifically tried to be snarky toward Bristol, but not overly harsh. Unfortunately, putting yourself on a show like this does open yourself up to a certain amount of crap, but she’s more boring than anything else. Hopefully she opens up next week.
@Iona Total train wreck. I thought people would keep him around for a while just for entertainment’s sake, but I guess not!
@Moli Thanks love! You are too awesome!
@Vallegirl-I am so glad I have you around for objectivity’s sake! I will completely admit to being totally biased-if I love one of the contestants personally, I usually think their dance is way better than it really is. You can keep it real for me in the comments!
@hollagirl2-Completely agreed! Not to say I won’t snark on her, but I will try to keep it somewhat nice. I mean, I said she was pretty!
@HHW… Snark all you want! When someone puts oneself on a reality show, they better know what they are getting themselves into! I should have clarified I meant it more in a broader way than just this recap! Looking forward to next week!
I have never watched DWTS but this season I just might. I LOVE Margaret Cho and I think she did well. I really hope she goes far because she would make the show kind of funny, especially in her mom voice.
You did a great job! Your recaps make me want to watch the show. You and SwellMel are the only recaps I read without watching the show because you make it interesting. Then I almost feel obligated to watch it. You did fantastic!
There is one reason to hate on Bristol (if you’re brave enough; Sarah doesn’t like anyone talking about her kids unless it’s to approve of one’s pro-lifery or be well aware of another’s Down Syndrome). She’s a hypocrite. She and Sarah spent so many months denouncing Levi Johnston for revealing his johnston in a meaningless magazine and doing other things with the intention of becoming famous; yet it’s OK for her to go on one of the most popular reality shows currently on air, usually half-dressed? Not to mention that horrific appearance on The Secret Life? Both of them could justify it by saying they need the money for the kid, but ultimately they could do far less public things for money.
Okay, what is it with all the actresses from my childhood days going all foul-mouthed and slutty? Betty White, Florence Henderson, Cloris Leachman… I already almost had a heart attack years ago when Florence played the one-night stand in Shakes the Clown–Mrs. Brady, noooo!!
I’m a-scared! Are Mary Tyler Moore and Carol Burnette going to show up on Law & Order: SVU as crack whores?
@jess… i definitely agree that she’s a hypocrite in that aspect. I think it’s a bit different with Levi because he used the tabloids and media to sell out the family and make comments about them for $$ … He didn’t just keep his mouth shut and pose for Playgirl. He campaigned a pretty malicious attack against the Palins… I don’t know if Bristol made similar comments or has just been taking advantage of media oportunities, i.e. acting bits, this show, etc… I’m not saying she’s a hero by any means! I just personally don’t agree with the whore reputation she’s been given. That’s all! But hate away!! I don’t want to come off like her number #1 supporter, lol… it’s just that one specific comment that bothers me.
I totally see the hypocrite opinion, and agree. But almost all celebs, d-list or otherwise, are guilty of it. They complain about the tabloid attention, that people talk smack about them, that they can’t get any privacy, then they go on shows like DWTS. If she was solely doing it to raise awareness for her “teen activism” that would be one thing, but I’m way too cynical to buy that.
It’s just rumors, but I hear that this last Levi and Bristol “we’re getting back together” wait, “No we’re not” thing was totally planned by both of them. He wanted a chance at another 15 minutes, and she wanted press for her impending DWTS announcement. They’ve done a great job of making Levi look like the bad guy (which isn’t hard, ’cause he’s a total douche) but I don’t think Bristol is Miss Innocent. Again, just my total (possibly bullshit) opinion and conjecture.
@catty the whore comment has NOTHING to do with Sarah………I’m sorry but she is a whore in my eyes, unprotected teenage sex
I do wonder if Tony got to pick his partner this time. Because doesn’t it seem like he usually gets slightly older celebs? Someone like Jennifer Grey.
After last season’s nightmare, he certainly deserved first choice. And while Audrina isn’t the brightest, she seems sweet, coordinated, and eager to learn. Completely different from that Kate person.
I was soooo glad that David H got voted off last night instead of M Cho or The Situation.
I turned to Mr. Sheesh when The Hoff was on and said “Daaammmnn The Hoff looks older than Carol Brady”. Maybe just more haggard.
Love your love of Maksim! From an Erin/Maks fan, please reference Brandy dying in more of your recaps. Bitch needs to step back.
@moli- genuinely curious… If bristol was having protected sex, would that make her less of a whore in your eyes? Not trying to stir the pot, just wondering?
holla, the rules are you’re a whore if you get caught…..baby=caught! No pot stirring I would have asked myself
There are whore rules?
LMAO, yes Classy! Ummmm lets just say I know many chicks that were ‘virgins’ well into their 20′s.
Well I forgot to watch the show (Bad Girls was on-now THOSE are whores) but i’m still shocked that they are calling The Situation an ‘actor’. Striking out at a club and fist pumping is acting? I would have preferred the Hoff to dance with a bottle of tequila and perhaps a half-that talent ALONE is worth a 24 score no?
@dazzy watched it on Hulu as I left my last comment….don’t know if you’re male or female, but I needed a shower after watching it!
Happy Housewife – Good to see you back this season. You do know a lot about this show. After being away for summer, one tends to forget. You just needed to see some body glitter, sequins, and hear Bruno utter nonsense and it all came back to you like a bad dream.
You are right about Turtleface. It annoys me to the point of almost not watching that he always gets talented/decent looking partners. Why isn’t he dancing with Bristol Palin or even Cho. Even if Cho was the obvious pick for Louis. BTW’s – love Cho!
If my theory about being an ABC network star holds true – Cho should be able to squeak by for about 3 weeks. Usually, if you are a “star” and work for any ABC/Disney owned channel you last a few weeks.
I also agree with you on Jennifer Grey. I was so excited to see her then she pulled out the Patrick Swayze – he’s dead I miss him so much card. I was like “Oh baby, go sit in the corner.”
Can’t wait until next week
“Len actually thinks The Predicament has potential, but that he was sorely under rehearsed. He spat back some kind of retort, but no matter how many times I played it back, I couldn’t make out what he said.”
Believe it or not, I did the same thing. And I finally heard what he said to Len: “That’s a nice suit.” Just trying to kiss up.
Anyway, funny recap and I just had to pause and let you know that you’re not the only dork out there who had to figure out what he said.
I was going to wait to read this recap until later tonight…but some dork spoiled the results aleady so I figured I might as well go ahead, and, yep, you made me laugh! Thanks for the cap!
I actually really disagree with your thoughts about Jennifer’s reaction to that song, though. I thought it was sincere, and I seriously teared up at that moment. But, full disclosure here, my young and healthy mom died from pancreatic cancer too, so I just really connected to how tragic his death was, and I know how powerful music can be — it’s really a trigger for me. Maybe she was faking it, but I totally bought it.
Anyway, don’t want to bring down the proceedings
Just my two cents.
@zbird-I totally feel you. I sincerely hope that Jennifer’s reaction was totally legitimate. I was cynical at the moment that I watched it, and on the fence about whether I was going to even bring it up in the recap or not. I then read some other takes on the moment that were in agreement with my cynicism, and I decided to roll with it. I’m sorry for the loss of your mom, and I hope that what I wrote didn’t upset you at all. Much love!!! xoxo
I can’t believe people are calling a girl who messed up at 17 a whore. Like everyone was so innocent when they were 17?? You might not have gotten pregnant but I’m sure you did something for attention. It’s horomones. I know a couple people who have had children young (one of them being my bf’s mother) and she’s a lovely woman with a marriage one year younger than him and 3 kids together. Whore??? I find that downright disgusting. People in glass houses and all.. Judge no lest ye be judged… (and I don’t even like Bristol Palin!!)
I like the review, unfortunately I’m disgusted by the comments. For what it’s worth I’ll root for Jennifer Grey, just something nice about seeing her dance.
wow Moli.It is hard to take offense with you because I know your definition of whore is different than mine. That being said.I don’t like the use of it in anyway projected you a young girl who had sex and got pregnant. She didn’t sell her self. geez.
Fabulous recap double H. No surprise the Hoff is off. I could smell his boozey stank right through the tv. As for Kurt, I have to agree that Len done him wrong. Curious to see what he’ll say next week and your comparison of the athlete’s judges critiques.
Just adding my two cents re Jennifer Grey – I read an interview with Patrick Swayze’s widow and she was touched by Jennifer’s reaction and thought that it was totally real. So I will trust someone who actually knows Jennifer to give the straight dope.
For the record, I do not like Sarah Palin but will not pass those feelings onto her daughter – I don’t think it is fair. I also don’t think it is fair to brand a 17 year old with the title of “Whore” – she slept with one partner and got pregnant. I would give that title to someone who sleeps with multiple partners (even without becoming pregnant) rather than a young girl sleeping with her boyfriend… YMMV, of course!
I’m apologize for offending anyone. Simply put I did not have sex until college, my parents made that request and I honored it. I don’t have respect for people who do not honor their parents, I was taught that the way you behave is a reflection on your parents. Last thing in the world I wanted to do was embarrass my parents. I am and always will be very harsh on teen parents……I’m not going to change how I feel. You can control your hormones, teens chose not to.
I apologize…..typo
@ Moli, i’m a male…believe me, its been proven many times when a soccer ball has been erroneously aimed at my nether region. As for your sex until college, same here though it was more I just couldn’t find a willing particpant more than parental embarrassment (there are enough other things I can do to embarrass them). Either way, teen parenting is just a part of society and like anything else, we have to live with it…we can’t control what a teen thinks or does-we can give them the information on the cons, but ultimately they will do what they want
So Moli, all the single ladies who waited until marraige to have sex are currently calling you a whore? Is that the rule? Set your own standard, or live your parents, and those that don’t meet your standard are to looked down upon and called whore. That makes total sense to me now. Thanks for the rubric.
I haven’t checked out the latest addition of “Whores for Idiots” so I may not be clear on all they rules and regulations that currently exist. I’m old school myself – I’ve only had sex with my husband and not until after college – but wouldn’t count my friends that did, even the ones who had babies as whores unless they had multiple partners and were not in long term relationships with them. That being said, by being on the show, Bristol opens herself up to just as much snark as anyone else. When her mom was running, I believed all her kids were off limits. However, when she chose to step forward, then all bets are off.
@Moli – I want to be clear that I am not in any way, shape or form calling you an idiot with my referral to the guide book. The only way I would call you an idiot would be if you came over to the housewives recaps and said you liked Teresa, Jill or Alexis, then all bets are off as to what I might call you!
Most of the folks who post comments are very open to the opinion of others and recognize everyone is entitled to their opinion. We may just call you on it to explain.
Happy Housewife-loved the recap! I usually don’t watch the show, but now I don’t have to. And if it matters, I promise to read your recaps every week if you keep posting pictures like the Maksim one-I don’t need to know anything about him except he’ll look hot coming out of the shower!! And if you can find them, pictures of Rick Fox & Kurt Warner along the same lines would also be appreciated!!
(We’ve all seen plenty of butter-faced Situation, thankyouverymuch)
This whore talk has me thinking. I’m well into my 30′s & never married & don’t think I ever want to be. I’m not a virgin, but haven’t had sex in a few yrs.So, does that make me a born-again virgin, or does it mean when I have sex again I’ll be a born-again whore??
Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Bets were off once I saw the half-nekkid Maksim, I don’t remember much after that point.
HH-great recap! Love the new name for Bristol! Total NASCAR fan! I don’t know if I can get into this show, but I will surley keep on a readin your recaps!
I know this is a “sticky” subject, but, I don’t think Bristol is a “whore”. And how exactly does anyone know that she had unprotected sex? **TMI, but I don’t care at this point** It is possible to get preg when you are using BC and condoms, thank you very much, does this make me a whore? **I also do not agree with whomever said that abortion is America’s Number 1 form of BC. I am going to leave it at that** Atleaset Bristol can speak from experience when she talkes to the highscoolers when she says it is better to wait, and graduate highscool, go to college, and get married.
I just finally figured out who Rick Fox is…Yeah, he was on One Tree Hill afew years ago, saw him on a rerun eppisode…I am not a big sports fan, forgive me. This is coming from the person that thought Kurt Warner was a Seahawk!
I don’t know how I feel about Brandy though. She was a pop star, she has the moves..not fair to the others I think..
FWIW, I totally think everyone is entitled to their own opinions and you won’t hear me telling any of you commenters that you are wrong. However, I don’t think Bristol’s a whore. I snarked that “activist” must be the new slang for slut, but that was just because I thought referring to her as a teen activist was so full of PR spin I couldn’t even stand it. On that same level, I would definitely refer to myself as a slut because I was no angel before I got married!
I can see where some are coming from when referring to teen mothers as whores, but I personally do not agree-I have a sister who was/is a teen mother, and she is far from a whore! She made a mistake when she was younger, but is now married to the baby daddy and is a very responsible and great young mother. I love all the conversation and respectful debating that is going on here, but let’s remember-when it comes down to it, this is just Dancing With The Stars. Let us not forget how silly this show truly is!!!
Love each and every one of you for reading and commenting. xoxoxo
Well, if those are how things go I always found people who did whatever they’re parents tell them to until college to not have a realistic approach to the world and, well, are kind of losers so you can’t take their opinion too seriously. It’s apparent they can’t make up their own minds so they need their parents to dictate their every move. I can’t really take that person seriously. There are probably plenty more successful teenage mothers than there are people who do what their parents tell them to do until college. So I guess we all have our own judgments of how others are as people without really knowing them at all. Good.
Is Bristol Palin really worth all this agita?
No. We should defintely be talking about how royally The Predicament is going to suck next week (I will send a bottle of vodka to anyone that can accurately guess what song he’ll be dancing to next week) and how hot Cute Warner is. I scoured the internetz for a shirtless photo of him, and damn him and all his morality, I can’t find a single one.
Loved the recap and especially love the snarky comments. I spend way too much time on TVGasm because I love the snarky attitudes of the recappers. I’ve been to other recap sites and they take themselves and the shows far too seriously. So here’s to you, HH….keep it coming!
I hope Len is working on his next insult for Mike. It will be difficult to top “You have the guns but not the ammunition,” or whatever he actually said. His curmudgeonliness can be used for good sometimes.
“I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred!
Uuuuhhh… “I’m Too Sexy” is my vote for the song The Situation will dance too next week.
Is there a difference between slut and whore?
I don’t think that you said anything wrong Moli. Like I’d asked before are there whore rules? Does a certain number make one a whore, or does having sex before a certain time in someone’s life make them a whore. Well it all depends on what you think about it.
Some people are more conservative than others on certain topics. Not me of course, I am a drunk with loose morals.
I wonder what what notwithoutmytv thinks about this subject….
Tee Hee I couldn’t resist posting because my captcha code is HPV4…
@Alison and Linda-thank you so much! And thank you for reading and commenting!
@vallegirl-I agree! I wonder how many times he practiced that line, and I bet he was just PRAYING for a chance to use it!!
@sheesh-OMG GREAT guess!!! If you’re right, you’ll have to tell me what brand of vodka you like!!
Oh, and I’m actually enjoying this season as opposed to the last one – thanks so much, Kate. @sheesh – “I’m too Sexy” would be awesome.
Well, technically, a whore gets paid, a slut just does it for fun. Count me under the slut category!!!
MC Hammer’s can’t touch this.
I may be a little older or younger than some of you.I amybe the same age as some of you. I just wanted to get that out of the way.
Thanks.
But to me slut… is pretty much a fun loving girl who works for free and lets people know she gets around…and they decide to label her.
Whore- or more to the point, PROSTITUTION WHORE is Danielle Staub. Are you happy now? ARE YOU HAPPY??????
I love DWTS and really like your recaps HAPPYHOUSEWIFE,
@sheesh & chemgal–those are 2 great songs..its hard to pick. Now you guys are making me want to watch next week!
@happyhousewife-Ok I do see your point on the “activist” thing. I don’t think that activist is the right word…Ofcourse I am drawing a blank on what that right word is. I wouldn’t say that she is a slut either. I knew a girl in highschool…I would have to call her a slutty whore. She pretty much still is!
@classy-now that is a captcha code!
@chemgal – Oh no, I think with the right amount of alcohol ANYONE can touch that!
@gifford – I may be older or younger, too. Who knows for sure?
Just wondering – I’ve heard men referred to as manwhores but never mansluts. Why is that?
@giff-hahahaha! Oh, how could I forget Danielle?
And just because I like vodka & would like to see if I can become a slut again, I have to put in a vote for a song. Two awesome choices already on the board, hmmm….
“I Wanna Sex You Up,” by Color Me Badd
Let us all be clear Moli had sex before she was married…..lots and lots of it;),but it was when I was an adult not as a child. That said no more of that talk. @chem….I didn’t think you called me an idiot(even thought I can be at times). Once again if offended anyone I apologize…..
@tvaholic–that is also a good one! Gross but a good one! If I was single and about 7 years younger, I wouldn’t go after him, and I sure as hell would run to the nearest exit if he came my way! I don’t see what the all the hype is about that kid! Yes I called him a kid!
Oh, I got a song-I’m bringing Sexy Back by JT!
Call me naive, but I’ve assumed that much of the snark aimed at both Bristol and babydaddy, online and off, had less to do with having “done it” in high school, or even her reproductive choices, but more with her subsequent media-related choices.
@Bahu, I don’t think the “whore” comment was aimed at Bristol’s media activities.
@Moli, did your parents teach you to have no compassion or understanding of others? Or did you come up with that one all on your own?
“To err is human, to forgive divine.”
Sitchy’s song for next week: Strokin’ by Clarence Carter, Clarence Carter.
@lindlaw205 “Just wondering – I’ve heard men referred to as manwhores but never mansluts. Why is that?”
Because it goes without saying.
@shanti-Stroken, that is a good choice also! I still don’t see what they hype about this kid is!
Crap, I’m going to have to start watching this train-wreck because I love the Situation. And Margaret Cho. And WHORE debates.
My selection for Sitchy’s musical stylings will be… “All By Myself” by Eric Carmen.
@shanti, manwhores = catnip to the younger incarnation of P Cheez. I just call them exes.
I think most teenagers who are prematurely sexually active are showing symptoms of more serious problems like not enough attention at home, low self-esteem, or the worst-case scenario of possible sexual abuse. Some kids just happen to move a little faster, but they’re still good kids.
I think the only whoring going on in the Palin family is media-whoring, but whatever their faults they stepped up to the plate where the baby is concerned so I have no opinion either way there. Now if we were talking about someone like Angelina Jolie, that’s a whore!! She bangs all her married co-stars and covers her ass by producing her own Benetton ad and pretending she isn’t a crazy, anorexic ho-bag.
I miss that store.
@Pixielated Woops! Sorry if I missed something specific on here, my comment was referring more to general snark on and off the internets, and to the times that I may have referred to various individuals as media prostitution whores, though I try to confine that to offline conversations.
@lindlaw205 I use manslut, manskank and manwhore interchangeably.
Hmm. This conversation is just making me look worse and worse. I think I’ll shut up!
@
Pixielated…..really….seriously?!? I apologized twice for offending anyone and it was requested by our lovely host to speak no more on the subject. My parents are lovely God fearing and teaching individuals(while I may not be totally) and yes compassion is taught in our house as well as judge not less ye be judged. Do I judge sure do…..do I accept other people judgment in association with me ….sure do. My glass house has a few holes in it!
@Moli, I know sometimes it feels as if you are being beaten like a dead horse. What people forget sometimes is that some people don’t check in here daily. So it may seem as if an issue is done, but then someone comes by a day or two later and something strikes them as needing to be commented on. Pixielated doesn’t appear to have been on yesterday, and even though a cease and desist may have been requested, she’s/he’s entitled to express their feelings on the subject regardless of the timeline. As the day and weekend progresses, you will probably see more comments on the whore debate of 2010 as other commenters get around to checking in. Some people will be pissed by it while others will just jump in to the slut verses whore debate.
When I was younger (30s and single again) me and my girls used to call Wednesday nights Dirty Whore Night.
thanks for the heads up@chemgal, Everyone who will rehash Whore Debate 2010….I am letting it be known that I am honoring our lovely hosts request to end it.*snickers*@sheesh
I am hearing rumors that Bristol and The Situation are becoming extremely chummy off camera. I haven’t done any googling – just some talk on some local radio programming.
@ chemgal, please baby jesus let him bang her. That would be the greatest thing ever.
Classy D…choking on my java…
What pure reality TV gold would it be, if The Sitch & Bristol did not only bang, but rather fell head-over-heels in love? Could you imagine him as the new Palin son-in-law? Which is the lesser of 2 evils in regards to a father-figure for the baby? (Notice that Levi rearranged is Evil)
I finally caught a little bit of Jersey Shore last night, & I’m sorry, but I agree with whoever said his abs were mutated. You can’t even call him a butter-face cuz his body’s kind of wierd looking. And yeah Alison, he’s def a kid!!
Did you all hear that the Hoff’s agent is blaming his performance on having fluid drained from his knee that morning?
tvaholic…was the fluid identified as vodka?
sheesh-hahahaha! If it were, he wouldn’t have had it drained!
The Situation does not bang girls. He smushes them. I agree that should Bristol and The Situation elect to smush, that would be awesome, if only because it would get those damn ball throwers off TMZ. I do not watch TMZ to see stars of televised ball-throwing.