DWTS: From this Ukrainian with Love!

“Last night was a night of guilty pleasures!” You can say that again Tom!

Boy, there’s nothing more that I love to do than sit with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia and a glass of Franzia while I watch my favorite reality show, Dancing with the Stars!

When I browse my recordings in my AT&T U-verse, nothing sends my heart into a helpless pitter-patter like seeing that last night’s Dancing with the Stars is patiently waiting to be watched and re-watched and then watched again!

I used to be a dancer, so I love watching the technique involved. I know how hard it is to dance. If it weren’t for that faulty ron de jambe, I would still be dancing at Joffrey. But that was my past, now I look to the future, where I merely sit and critique dancing instead of living it.

So many exciting things happened Monday night that I was bursting about it all day on Tuesday to anyone who would listen!

Imagine my elation when the show opened with NKOTBSB(New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys)! Talk about a supergroup!

Their dance moves were so NSync! I only wish they could have had the professional dancers join them on the dance floor. Wishes do come true!

NKOTBSB light up the night now! Their pose at the end was quite the stage picture. If Tyra Banks had to describe them with one word it would be FIERCE! If she had to describe them with two words it would be FIERCE twice!

The two couples at the top of the leaderboard are Chelsea and Mark and Romeo and Chelsea. It makes sense because they are the youngest and everyone knows that once you get past the tender age of 25 you are way to old to continue dancing professionally.

Oh Fie! Mark rolled his ankle! Such a promising soul, struck in his prime. Well, off to the glue factory with you!

Miraculously, as if blessed by baby Jesus himself, Mark was able to make it through the dance. And make it through he did, with a 10! The first 10 of the season! It’s amazing what a youthful body can bounce back from, not like a 27-year-old body.

Romeo and Chelsea danced like they really loved each other and Carrie Ann felt the magic. Another 10!!! In the dance world, it really pays to be just out of fetus-hood.  I long for the days back when my umbilical cord was freshly shorn.

Romeo is so excited about getting a 10, he almost takes off all of his clothes. Much to my displeasure, he stops at his shirt. The judges need to give him an 11 so everything comes off.

Romeo and Chelsie are definitely safe! Well that’s a relief! There would be no justice in the world if that young supple body were to be put on the chopping block of Dancing with the Stars.

Thankfully, Chelsea and Mark are also safe. For a second, I thought that they were going to be done away with like Old Yeller.  People just don’t understand their inventiveness and they are not ready for the brilliance that is Mark’s choreography. If they don’t win, I will stop believing in Dancing with the Stars.

Len admits that one of his guilty pleasures was fulfilled last night while watching Kendra and Louis’s samba. Life can’t be this good! They perform the samba AGAIN! My heart does back flips as Kendra booty shakes all over the dance floor and doesn’t stop until she wows the judges with her table dancing. She’s so Kendra!

It’s time for more questions with Brooke! Goody! I think she should open up her own interviewing school and teach young up and comers how to ask questions. Her technique is really unrivaled.

Brooke finds out how Romeo really feels about becoming one of the top scorers and the answer is “good”.  We learn that Chelsie earned her very first 10 after 5 seasons of working on the show and it felt “amazing”.  Brooke is able to get Karina to admit that she is very “stressed” about the mistake she made in falling down the night before. Who else can be as successful at pulling such valuable and informative answers? Answer: No one.

Hines was upset that he didn’t’ get a 10. The only reason Hines didn’t get a 10 is because he isn’t under 25. The dance world is a cruel master Hines; you should savor the 9’s because that is the highest score you will ever get in your old age.

Kirstie has such a great attitude; she just wants to have fun.  Because she was so positive, she “filled her potential,” according to Len.  Live it up Kirstie, because all you will have at the end of this are your memories. The young people will snatch the glory from you.

The first couple that is safe is Hines and Kym. Just keep kicking Hines! Don’t let those young people steal your thunder. You deserve a chance in the spotlight.

Kirstie and Maks are also safe! Maybe there is hope for those above the age of 25!

A behind the scenes look at the Dancing with the Stars Dance Troupe!!! Now we get to know how they really feel about the pressures of being on such a high profile show.

Oksana’s accent is just the cutest thing ever! I cannot get over how novel the English language sounds when she is speaking.

What a beautiful group! They get along so well together! And they are so young! It must be wonderful to have such a flexible and willing body that won’t stop you from doing simple moves like the splits.

The whole troupe is head-over-heels for the Backstreet Boys and Oksana admits that she choreographed a dance to one of their songs in the second grade. In second grade, I was making fart noises in the back of the classroom. They really make them good in the old country.

Tom admits he loves Teddy’s wolverine sideburns. You’re not the only one Tom.

Tom and I are really on the same page tonight. I love how connected I feel to Dancing with the Stars right now. It gets me.

Then the most beautiful thing ever accomplished on the show happened; a love story dance in honor of the Royal Wedding choreographed by Christopher Scott.

What a story! They start out really young by a tree where a small boy tried to win over the sweet girl’s love. Then we are at their wedding where everyone in the wedding party can really cut a rug! They are so in love! I can tell by their pirouettes.  The music slows, because now they are old, but they are still dancing. Her man dies behind the tree and she is left alone kissing the tree. Then the kids run out again to bring the whole thing full circle.

I went through a whole box of Kleenex and a second pint of Cherry Garcia.

Then we go through footage of how taxing this whole experience has been on each of the stars. Dancing with the Stars has no mercy on my weak constitution.

Onto the next box of Kleenex.

NKOTBSB is back for another performance! I don’t know if I can make it through the show. My excitement is too great, I may pass out.

The legends perform a medley of “I Want it That Way” and “Step By Step”. It’s like they have been kept in a time capsule and have not aged or changed at all. Their footwork is flawless and their outfits are so well coordinated. There is something truly amazing about how 43 year old men can still drop those crazy beats.

NKOTB bring it in for a thrilling finish with a surprise ballroom dance number. Is there anything Dancing with the Stars won’t do?

Pia Toscano performs “I’ll Stand By You” right after she is eliminated from American Idol.  What a beautiful songbird she is.

Mark and Karina dance to her melodious voice with such overpowering emotion I feel like they might cry in the middle of their thrilling number.

The way Mark carries on, you would think he never rolled his ankle at all. Such wonder is this under 25-year-old body.

Here’s one for the rumor mill: Pia and Mark are an item! I raise my Franzia-filled mug to the happy couple!

We relive Kendra’s dance AGAIN and see Len’s great excitement “The more you gyrated, the more I palpitated!” Len is quite literally going to burst with excitement during this season of Dancing with the Stars.

What a great birthday present for Len, an excitement-induced heart attack.

I feel so bad for Jericho. He tries so hard and he doesn’t want to let anyone down.  If he is eliminated this week, I will lock myself in my room for 6 day straight watching nothing but old episodes of WWE Smackdown and eating 12 more pints of Cherry Garcia.

My heart really goes out to Kirstie Alley. Karina stole her thunder this week by being the one who fell. But Karina is a trooper and was able to bounce back with that young body of hers.

Ralph Macchio is such a gem! He is so supportive of his partner and only wants to make her experience better. His wife is one lucky lady.

Kendra and Louis are safe. Now this really makes me happy because she was so hard on herself about being afraid of elegance yet she was able to pull herself through with a rowdy booty shake.  Congratulations Kendra!

Dancing with the Stars is so mean! They are killing me by making me wait for the fate of these two beautiful dancers; Ralph Macchio and Chris Jericho.

Onto Pint #3 of Cherry Garcia.

Why does anyone have to go home? Why can’t we make a show where everyone just dances together and is happy?

Oh no! Chris must go home! But Chris is such a good sport, telling the audience that it was a good thing he got eliminated because he had to fly over to England to be a part of the Royal Wedding so it would have affected his rehearsal schedule anyway. He’s so humorous; he should really consider a career in stand up comedy.

I’m not the only one who was truly upset about his elimination; the whole audience was standing in honor of the truly talented wrestler/rock and roll singer and now dancer.

Then they roll the precious moments that made Chris’s experience on DWTS. Come on Dancing with the Stars! A girl can only take so much. After tonight, I will have gained 50 lbs.