DWTS: Instant Dance Tragedy. Part One.

This week on Dancing With The Stars-we’ve already used the “Rock Week” and “200th Episode” tactics to kill time, and the producers tried hard to make “STD Interpretive Dance” week happen but Paris Hilton already owns the rights, so they decided to save it for season 14 when you know it’s inevitable she’ll be appearing (if it’s STD week, though, I’m not sure if she’ll be a professional or a star).  Running out of ideas, they came up with the brilliant epiphany of “Instant Choreography” week-we’ll give them a dance style to practice but not their music until 45 minutes before they go on-bwahahahahaha-and let’s hope chaos ensues and MoHo has a breakdown or J.Grey’s leg falls off or Cute finally loses his shit and starts cursing out the crowd or Ken Doll has a short circuit and starts melting on the dance floor.

My money’s on this one causing a scene.

To wrap up last week, Slick Rick and my archnemesis Mophead were sent packing.  Also, none of you wanted to play along with the vodka game.  Well, fine then-more booze for me (like I really need it…)

Case in point….one too many mojitos and I’m hanging out with masked murderers.  Fabulous.

So….let’s make it super easy so I can send someone a bottle of vodka before this season ends.  Most ridiculous, snarky, witty, out of line, un-PC, laugh out loud and make me pee my pants hilarious comment about any of our contestants wins the booze.  Unlimited entries, bonus points for pissing people off and/or picking on MoHo.  I’ll enlist Flipit to help me judge.  Have fun…bwahahahaha.

Welcome…..to Dancing with the Stars!!!

Berge, stop bringing your Daytime Emmy statue to the set!  We already know you’re the most talented person on the show.

Does Bristol have a thing for priests or something?

And thankfully, without any further ado, we jump right into the dancing.  Thank McDreamy.

Kyle Massey: For the first of his two dances, Chubs here is going to be doing a Viennese Waltz to “Breathe (2 AM)” by Anna Nalick.  Last time he did a waltz, Len told him his feet were atrocious, so Lacey’s taking a page out of Mophead’s memoir, “How to be a Nasty Cunt to your Partner”, and trying to whip him into shape.  Speaking of in shape, did Lacey sweat out some Chunk or something?  Or bring the Wardrobers some cookies?  Because she actually looks decent tonight.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Hold me.  I’m scared.

Oh, whew!  That’s better.  Ugly as usual.

As for the V. Waltz, it was very nice.  Chubs nailed the character, and danced it well.  I’m not a huge fan of Lacey’s slower choreography-there were too many pointless twirls and nonsense thrown in for my taste-she should stick to jives and faster tempo dances.

Len tells Chubs that there were a list of things he did much better this week-last week he saw a tiny little bud (heh…pass it over here) and this week it bloomed into a beautiful orchid.  Hmmm.  Batshit Bruno complimented Chubs on taking all of his notes and criticisms well and constantly improving on them.  Since Carrie Ann WhorePants doesn’t have Slick to get wet in the panties over anymore, she drools over Chubs and rambles on about her crush on him.  Ew.

Score: 27!

After the Chubby Twins receive their scores, The Brooke holds them hostage in the celebriquarium while the judges explain exactly what the “Instant Choreography” challenge is.  In real ballroom competition, this is how it goes-couples don’t choreograph to a particular song.  You choreograph to counts (5,6,7,8!!) then apply it to whatever music plays when the competition starts.  Pretty hard core for these Gymboree rejects.

Dude, Batshit, why don’t you hop on over to the RHofBH recaps and see Adrienne’s husband?  Those bags under your eyes are looking ROUGH.

Back to The Brooke and The Chubby Twins, who are going to pick their song, go change, and get ready to perform the instant dance after all the other couples have taken their turn with the assigned dance.  The Brooke goes on and on about how random! and what a surprise! it’s going to be.  While I don’t doubt that the dancers have not heard the song and will be surprised, I think having them choose out of a hat was kind of silly when…

…their names are on the CD and it’s kind of obvious it was the only one in there.  Like, what else was going to happen?  ”Oh shit, we pulled Kurt and Anna, you better go dye your hair red and I’ll go find a bottle of Clorox!”

So they head off to change and figure out the new music, and we are warned about who’s coming up next.

Dude, her joints are as whiny as she is.

Jennifer Grey: Ok, here’s my take on The Big Whiny Baby (ha, see what I did there?).  Yes, she deserves props for coming on this show at age 50.  Yes, I know she has pretty serious preexisting injuries, and deserves credit for that.  But if everything is going to hurt all the time and all you’re going to do is whine about it and bring a doctor on camera every other episode, why put yourself through it?  If she’s in as much pain as she says she is-why in the HELL would you sign up for an admittedly tough and physically demanding dance competition?  That is why I have ZERO sympathy for her and am sick of her playing the “it hurts” card.  Lots of shit in life hurts, and if you sign yourself up willingly for it?  Suck it up and shut the fuck up.  Rant over.

J.Grey and Ken Doll are going to be performing a Quickstep to “Let’s Face the Music and Dance” by Nat King Cole.  Rehearsals started out well, but then J.Grey starting whispering things at Ken Doll regarding her knee.  She was totally channeling this chick:

Ken Doll, intentionally hilariously tells us that when J is moaning and screaming and acting a fool, he blows it off because it’s just her being melodramatic, but when she’s quiet and just stops dancing and basically acts like an adult, that’s when he worries.  LOL.  Because this week he is saint Ken Doll,

He decides to be magnanimous, and tells us that no show is worth her health (aka-he’s sick of the bitch too) and calls in some doctor to shoot her up with demerol check her out and make sure she’s okay.  Ken Doll, I have an idea-give her a good banging and see if that helps her out?  I get whiny when I need to get laid too.  Just trying to help.

I’m here about an ambiguous genitalia problem?

Turns out J’s got patellar tendonitis, and it can’t be too terrible, because the doctor actually gives her a choice on whether to quit or work through it.  If it’s super bad, any doctor worth the paper his Bahamian diploma is printed on will give you lots of drugs and order you to stay on your ass.  (If you know of a doctor like that, send him my way.)

In the “please vote for me, I’m not totally a waste of human” ploy of the week, J has her dad, legendary actor Joel Grey, stop by rehearsals.

You are NO Liza Minelli, bitch.

He gives her words of encouragement and tells her that she needs to go on.  And she does.  Damn it.

She dances a perfunctorily adequate Quickstep.  All the steps were on, no major flaws.  Missing a little oomph, though, and of course-I have a theory for that.  Notice how she is all crazy and whiny and manic in rehearsals, but every performance night, she’s all leaning all over Ken Doll and relaxed and laidback?  Drugs, people.  I know they showed in one of the results shows her asking for a shot after a performance-me thinks she gets one before she goes on, too.  It allows her to perform without the proverbial leg falling off, and I am so jealous-what do I have to do to have a personal doctor follow me around with a suitcase full of syringes?

Oh.

Nevermind.

Drugs are bad, kids.

Batshit Bruno thought Ken Doll and J.Grey channeled Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire with a totally classic Quickstep, and tells her to forget her troubles!  Carrie Ann said she had lowered her expectations thanks to the package of whining, but she did very well save a small misstep.  Len understands her injuries and frustrations, but that she danced greatly.

Score: 27

J.Grey and Ken Doll choose their song:

Dedicated to her from her doctor’s bank account

I’m all of a sudden in the mood for pancakes after seeing these two without bras.

Hi Mom.  Can you call John McCain and have this chick’s license pulled?  I’m scared.

Kurt Warner: Cute definitely sees a similarity between playing on the field and dancing in the ballroom-the adrenaline rush you get from both.  He also appears to be back to his normal humble, charming self this week.  Thank you, Cute.

HappyHousewife smacked me around and showed me footage of all of Ken Doll’s partners from the last handful of seasons, Maks’ rants to the judges, and a few episodes of Moesha.  I promise to never be a douchebag again.  Amen.  Can someone tell her to put away the riding crop now?

He’ll be dancing a waltz to “Take It To The Limit” by The Eagles, and I am pleased that he’s doing traditional ballroom.  Cute’s stressed, though, because now that we’re down to five contestants it’s feeling like playoff time.

The waltz is already off to a good start when Cute comes out in tails and a big smile.  I thought it was an excellent showing-very graceful, elegant, all the steps were right, and Cute was charming as ever.  While Kyle and Lacey’s waltz may have had just a smidge more charisma, I would suggest they were very much on par with each other.

Carrie Ann compares Cute to a mature Ken Doll.  Dude-WRONG CONTESTANT.  Also, stop stealing my jokes, trick.  I will TOTALLY #cutabitch.  Len calls out a few minor technical difficulties, but says overall the dance was beautiful.  Batshit thinks Cute lights up the room but needs to work harder on getting his head right, and that there are others better than him.  These judges suck.  Why don’t you just hold up a big fucking lit sign saying “We want Kurt off this week! Stick to the script!”  Assholes.

Score: 24

Cute and Anna pick their song, and neither of them have any clue what it is:

I’m pretty sure this isn’t in rotation in church or Russia, so they’re screwed.

Bristol Palin: Bristol’s tired this week, y’all, ’cause trying to make the cardboard come alive and gluing on fake eyelashes and trying so hard to be nothing like your controlling mother is like, totally exhausting.

Luckily Mark’s there to try to get into her pants comfort her.

Bristol’s going to be attempting an Argentine Tango to “Buttons” by the Pussycat Dolls, and I’m like, really?  Poor kid.  I’m hoping for her sake it’s not going to be as bad as it sounds like it’s going to be.

She misses her kid and is still tired, so she packs up Mark and his balls and takes them back to Alaska so she can still rehearse but be near her son-which is admittedly pretty awesome of her.  Most 19 year olds would be all “fuck the kid” and out at the Chateau Marmont every night, so it’s nice to see that she’s got her shit together.  Her family comes to the rehearsal studio, and she sits her parents down to watch the first part of their dance-but warns them that the beginning is scandalous.

Don’t worry kid, we know all about scandalous.

The Costume department must be stoked that the Republicans took the House last week or something, because they finally gave the kid a decent dress to wear-

Yay, my waist is lower than my boobs!

Wow-their tango was not nearly the disaster I was hoping for!  Bristol definitely nailed the serious and intense part of the character, but kind of missed the boat on passion.  She didn’t make any obvious errors, and while she wasn’t exactly light on her feet, she wasn’t a rhino aka Shitler from last season.

Len liked the lifts, liked that they hit all the steps, but that it lacked a little bit of passion.  Batshit thought she was mean and moody, and called her out on her inconsistency.  Carrie Ann WhorePants liked the intensity, and was truly impressed with her glares-but noticed that her legs looked heavy.

Score: 24 (Same as Cute?  Really?!?)

Bristol and Mark pull their song-

And it’s in Spanish! as Mark hilariously says with a “hey, ese” accent.  The translation is “but that is nothing” and I can’t help but chuckle at the relevancy.

Whoreface: Hoodrat McGee is back again to torment me, but I suppose someone had to take Mophead’s place on my shit list.  If I actually liked everyone, these recaps wouldn’t be nearly as fun to read, now would they?

I’m thinking this trick is a wee bit too familiar with “face down ass up” to really support her claim of celibacy.

Before the rehearsals package even starts, we get these looks from Bitchy McJizzbunny and Maksim Fuckoffskiy, and I know we’re in for a long night.

Why do I have a feeling these two are a…

…waiting to happen?

Hoochie Skankerson is concerned, because this season is not all about the dance (Yes, Virginia, you’re right-it’s about the rigged judging) and people are getting sent home that should have been safe.  She asks Maks what they can do to push through to the next level, and he basically just tells her to keep shutting the fuck up and listening to him.  Wise words.

Maks also employs hypnotism in his quest to become victorious.

Focus on the car keys.  I will give you the car keys, but repeat after me-suicide, not homicide.  We don’t kill others, we only maim ourselves.

They are Waltzing to “Dark Waltz” by Hayley Westenra, and I noticed something-Shutty Thefuckupsky has a tendency to bend her knees when they should be straight- a’la Cute.  He can get away with it, however, because he doesn’t make me want to stab out my own eyeballs with butterknives.  The waltz wasn’t a total loss, though, because there was a lot of this-

His ass is like Red Robin…..YUUUMMMMM.

But it ends on a sour note, with more of MoHo’s fake melodramatic “ooohhh, please give me my own Lifetime made for TV movie series!” crying bullshit.

Like my Dad always used to so kindly tell me: “Don’t you have a freeway to go play in?”

Batshit thought it was more than a dance, it was an exquisite interpretation of a story, and she performed it beautifully.  Carrie Ann thought the emotional quality of her dancing was riveting, but tells her that she needs to watch her neck-especially because she thinks she’s going to make the finals.  Len makes fun of Carrie Ann for being nitpicky (pot, meet kettle) and says that he was overwhelmed by the whole performance.

Score: 29

Maks and MoHo go to chat with The Brooke and pick their song, and MoHo at first does not recognize the song, but Maks is there to remind her.

Yes, Mo wouldn’t know anything about a relevant hit since it’s been a decade since she’s had one.

And that’s the end of round one.  This freaking recap has taken on a life of it’s own, it’s 1:30 in the morning, I have to go read to a class full of 27 kindergarteners tomorrow, and my ritalin is wearing off.  So I’m going to make an executive decision and turn this into a two part recap-two doses of my bullshit for the price of one.  Poor kids.  Watch out for Part Two tomorrow!

Love and Bubbles,

HappyHousewife