DWTS: Instant Dance Tragedy. Part Two.

Oh yes, we’re really coming back for more!  If you haven’t yet, you should go read Part One so you can hate me as much as everyone else does.  I had so much to say about this episode of DWTS that I couldn’t shove it all into one piece.

And she barely could, so I don’t feel so bad.

Thank you so much to those who remind me weekly via comments and anonymous hate mail how I suck, am heartless, am fat and ugly, am a bad writer, and need to be prayed for.  I mean, seriously, I don’t know how I would live without you whispering such sweet nothings into my ear.

I’m used to being verbally abused, as you can see by the company I keep.

It’s not like this is just a reality show recap and I’m just fucking around trying to get a laugh.  Cause if it was just that, you would look silly for letting the words of a drunk bitch such as myself get you that riled up.

Speaking of drunk, part two is participating in the “Win a bottle of booze from HH” competition as well!  Most hilarious, ridiculous, inappropriate comment wins.  And since this is obviously a subjective, unfair competition-flattery will get you very far.

We left off at the end of the assigned dances, now it is time to see each couple take on the….

Could only be better if it was the “Instant Get a Real Job Round”

Kyle Massey: The Chubby Twins are taking on the Jive.  I predict this should be good because a jive is a dance where a lot of personality is a plus, not to mention that is the genre (well, maybe it was swing or something close to it) that Lacey was world champion in back when she was a kid.  So hopefully her choreo is a little less lackluster than it is with more traditional ballroom routines.

Chubs thinks the instance dance challenge is scary, but fair-because no one is getting their music ahead of time, it’s leveling the playing field.  For some godforsaken reason (something was needed to make the intro package entertaining) Lacey decided to bring in her former partner Steve-O to help Chubs get the steps.

Maybe it was good for Kyle’s ego, cause I’m sure he’s got the white boy beat in the nakey department?

Chubs refuses to be distracted though, and says that after those crazy rehearsals, he should be fine no matter what music they get.

Bitch would actually be pretty again if she’d stop trying to channel Jim Carrey.

I was so impressed!  Other than a few tiny missteps that were covered extremely well, you never would have known that they hadn’t choreographed to the music.  Chubs totally kept up with a very high energy routine that was well designed by Lacey, and it was definitely a crowd pleaser.

As was the part when he decked Lacey for making one more stupid face.

Len says that Chubs came out like a pocket rocket….LOL!  I bet ol’ Len would know all about that.  I think it’s absolutely hilarious that he drops so many unintentional double entendres all the time…or maybe they’re not unintentional, which would be even more funny.  He says it was high energy but needed a bit more finesse.  Batshit thought it was full of entertainment and creativity, and the timing was right on.  Carrie Ann says it was the most fun she’s had as a viewer.  Which is interesting because she’s supposed to be judging, but whatevs.

Score: 29! And well deserved!

Jennifer Grey: J.Grey and Ken Doll pulled the Rumba for their instance dance, and Ken Doll is stoked because it won’t be so stressful on J’s knee.  We wouldn’t want that tendon giving away and her kneecap flying out of the socket, through the skin, and hitting anyone in the face.  Although, maybe they DO want that to happen, because then maybe ABC can attract a new crowd of horror movie fanatics and J.Grey can extend her newfound 15 minutes going on every freaking morning show on the planet whining about her flying bloody kneecap.  Or maybe I’m just tired and this recap is going downhill faster than Moesha’s career.  Who knows.

Yes, his shirt says “Jenougher”.  Yes, as in a supposed clever combination of their names.  Who the fuck is pathetic enough to have the time to sit around coming up with these lame ass team names?  If you’re that bored, come clean my house or balance my checkbook or go cure cancer or something.  Shit.

Ken Doll, despite his annoying and somewhat creepy personality, is without doubt a great choreographer.  He has the brilliant idea of mapping out the entire routine, then performing it to many different songs so they can get used to performing it no matter what music they get.  He’s a smart little action figure, that one.  Why am I pointing this out so clearly?  Oh, you’ll see, my pretties.  You’ll see.

Also, props to J (or the editors) for not mentioning anything regarding pain or injuries in that promo.  I hate you a little bit less now.

One step above cougar: preying mantis.

Their Rumba was very well executed from what I could tell, however, I was so distracted by the fact that the combination of music, costumes, and dance style took me back into a hardcore 80′s flashback of sneaking out of my bed late at night to spy on my parents smoking joints in the living room while listening to Foreigner on vinyl that I wasn’t paying too awful much attention to the details.  But no major snafus, no body parts flying off, no Ken Doll programming errors.

Batshit thought that this challenge is bringing out the best in people, and that their performance was flawless.  Carrie Ann complimented the balance move shown in the graphic above, and enjoyed watching J regain her power.  Len thought it was just great dancing.

Notable occurance in the celebriquarium: J.Grey was HIGH as fuck.  Trust me….HappyHousewife knows her shit.  She was one step away from slurring words.  That being said-I’m totally jealous.

Score: 30

Kurt Warner: Cute and Anna have pulled the Cha Cha Cha, and Anna’s tactic for the Instant Dance is to choregraph to counts rather than lyrics.  This proves challenging because dear, meatheaded Cute can’t count music.  It’s not really that hard, is it?  I’m as tone deaf as Moesha and I can figure out the counts, so I think homeboy just needs to spend a little more time playing Rock Band or something.

Don’t quarterbacks have to count time for the snaps or something?  Or does the center take care of that?  I don’t know, I only watch football for the tight pants and an excuse to drink beer.

In the smooshy cute I’m actually going to be nice segment of tonight’s recap, Cute’s kids stop by to help out at rehearsals.  One of his daughters starts playing random songs, and Cute and Anna dance along while the other kids shout out suggestions.  To be honest, ABC should offer these kids a contract because they are more consistent and have more clarity than the current judges.

Not to mention they’re definitely cuter than the current panel as well.

The band definitely filled my prescription for more cow bell with their rendition of “Hella Good”….holy bossa nova, batman.  Was the dance perfect?  No.  But Cute totally got down and relaxed and tried to entertain the hell out of the crowd, which is definitely more than I can say for the Cardboard Eskimo.

Coming in January to E!….NFL Strippers!

Carrie Ann WhorePants said that musicality has never been Cute’s strong suit, but that he nailed it tonight, she’s never seen him dance with such charisma, and that since she’s running out of male contestants to masturbate to, he has a new sense of sex appeal to her.  He adorably tells her to shhh and points to his wife.  Cause he’s Cute.  Len says that some unexperienced dancers use the music as a safety net, and when you don’t have that to fall back on, you just have to get down, like Cute did-but that he still needs to straighten his legs.  Batshit is happy because Cute got loose, and he likes it sloppy, I’m sure.

Score: 24 (BULLSHIT.  For the scope of the challenge, that was so much better than an 8 performance.  Gee, not too obvious who’s going home this week, is it?)

Bristol Palin: Well, I’ve been wrong so far on how everyone was going to fare with Instant Dance Bullshit Extravaganza, am I going to be wrong about The Cardboard Eskimo too?  Cause I predict she’s going to suck Mark’s big hairy balls.  (You so know they are.  Probably low hangers, too.)

She sure is pretty for a mannequin, though.

Mark and Bristol get the samba, and he enlightens us to the fact that this is how professionals dance in a competition-with no music beforehand.  Bristol’s sure this is going to suck (and she would know) because she uses the lyrics to guide her.  She also shares some very wise words about being worried to go off beat, because once you’re off beat, you’re screwed.

Kinda like you’ll be if you don’t get that child support set up direct deposit, yo.  I wouldn’t take a check from Levi.

Bristol comes out and does the cute little hip swivel that she’s got down, and the shimmy that she figured out….then….yeah.  I saw at least four places where she completely lost her count and steps despite Mark’s best attempts to pimp the dance out.  She’s kind of obvious when it happens because her face goes completely blank-girlfriend cannot hide it at all.

Len says that a Cha Cha is the hardest of the latin dances for a beginner to pick up, but he thought she coped well even though she needs more rhythm.  Batshit says that Bristol can shake it-and I’m thinking that was just his head being whipped around by his schizophrenia because that is not what I saw at all.  At least Carrie Ann keeps it real and tells Bristol that her musicality sucked the proverbial balls.

Score: 23 (8′s from Len and Bruno?  This was so not on par with Cute’s dance.  I SO want to quit this bullshit-it’s totally rigged.  I guarantee they already know who’s going to win, so why do we even bother watching or voting?  Not that I would vote.  I think this shit is lame and I’m not emotionally attached, remember.  This is just a job, damn it!  Just a JOB!!!)

Ghetto VanCornrows: This is where my analysis of Ken Doll’s tactic comes into play.  Yes, Maksim Fuckoffskiy is one of the most gorgeous men I have ever laid eyes on, and I would happily give up one of my kids a month of DVR for a few nights in his bed.  Cocky aggressive assholes like Maks are usually fucking fantastic in the sack.  Um, not that I would KNOW that, HappyHusband, as I was a virgin when I met you.  Ahem.  Yes.  However, while he is fundamentally a great dancer and a good choreographer, he is not intuitive and creative like Ken Doll.  His cockiness gets him in trouble-he decides that he is just going to come up with a minute of Cha Cha Cha, then they will improv or repeat the rest.  Which would work fine if you’re paired with a professional, but probably not the best plan when you’re stuck with a dollar store version of Old Maid.

Shutty Thefuckupsky is stoked, though, dude, because she’s a singer, dude!  Adn therefore she has musicality.  And I think she got stoned before rehearsals, what with all the random ‘dudes’ thrown in-or maybe that’s just a normal night at her crib.

I’m still considered celibate if I only let them throw it in my ass, right?

Maks decides that he’s going to include both of them shaking their asses in the choreography.  Mo decides she’s going to try to be all sassy and ask Maks if he really wants to put his ass up next to hers, as it’s so superior.  And I think I finally figured out what is so effing annoying about her, other than that whole sucking at anything but breathing part-she was totally the nerdy weird girl in school.  You know, the one who only liked horses and would do that strange gallop around the playground neighing, who had glasses and braces and walked all pigeon-toed like there was a stick up her ass, who would purposefully get people to pick on her because some attention was better than no attention at all.  That’s Moesha, plus 20 years, a weave, and some slight success.  And even after all these years, I still want to smash her face in with a tetherball.

And even though Maks’ attitude and mediocre choreographing is really starting to irk me this season, at least he brings one thing to the table-

Less talky, more hiney, Maks.  Less whorey, less everything, Mo.

He can shake it like a methed out mom with a screaming baby, and it just lends that much more evidence to my theory that he’s the second coming in the bedroom.  Now if we can just get him to shut the hell up once in awhile.  But he does have a sexy voice.  So maybe I could just give him an approved vocabulary list or something?

Ew.  The only part of the dance that was worth watching, the booty shaking, was not caught on camera, so as far as I’m concerned, it was a loss.  I mean, there were a few ok parts, but the improv-ed parts were blatantly obvious, it took him like three hours to even catch the beat and start the dance, and what choreography was there was meh at best.

Batshit is short for once, and said it was a fabulous performance to end a fantastic night.  Carrie Ann is totally my homey tonight, and calls Maks out on taking 4 8-counts to start the dance.  Maks gets all pissy and defensive and tells her not to worry about it-she says she is worried about it because Mo deserves better, and that even Cute did more dancing.  Like a petulant little kid, Baby Daddy tells her “fine, then I guess we only deserve a 7 then.” They yell at each other a bit more, and Carrie Ann comes out looking correct, and Maks like a shithead.  Len wraps it up by saying that Mo was full of flair and rhythm and well done.  The Berge asks Len what he thought of what Carrie Ann said, and he actually agrees with her-then Maks starts bitching again.

Ok, so not only was Maks completely wrong, he made himself look like a douchebag full of dicks, yo.  Even if he was right (which he wasn’t)-did Anna and Cute get screwed? Yes.  Did Anna start throwing a temper tantrum on national television?  No.  She took it like a PROFESSIONAL.  He kept going in the celebriquarium, talking about being disrespected by the judges.  I think Hoodrat McThreeyearsawayfromthepole is rubbing off on him or something, because he is extra assy this season.  And not in the good way.

Score: 28, which was a fucking gift.

Final Scoreboard:

Brandy & Maks: 29+28=57

Jennifer & Derek: 27+30=57

Kyle & Lacey: 27+29=56

Kurt & Anna: 24+24=48

Bristol & Mark: 24+23=47

Ugh.  See y’all next week, I sincerely hope it’s less irritating.  Or that I get more drunk.  Something.

Love and Bubbles,

HappyHousewife