DWTS: Keep it in your pants, Bruno!

This week, we pledge allegiance to the mirror ball. Tonight we celebrate America by dancing in badly cut outfits that show our teats and hoo-has.

It’s American week and Tom tells us to bring out our stars…and stripes. I’m anticipating a billion and a half American puns.

According to their outfits, being American either means you are a movie star or in the armed forces. But if you’re Ralph Macchio, it means you’re a cowboy. And if you’re Kirstie Alley you’re a genie in a sweat suit.

Tom starts up the show with, “Let’s start off all things America with a good old fashioned samba.” Because we all know that the samba originated in America, as did pizza and freedom fries.

Ralph Macchio received his best score ever last week for his overly dramatic waltz that brought all the judges to climax. This week, he’s dancing the samba to “Sweet Home Alabama.” Even with the sparkly-est cowboy outfit in town, Bruno will not be able to get it up during this one.

Karina tries to be a little cowgirl by telling Ralph to “call out whores and let’s start samba!” Either something was lost in translation or Karina has a kinky side.

All the rednecks in America cringed tonight, as soon as they figured out what a samba was.

Pun #1: “Good old Uncle Samba.” Uncle Samba, which is so close to Uncle Sambo, in fact I would say it’s even closer than Uncle Sam.

And I was right. Bruno is at less than half-mast and says that the samba needs fire down below. He then asks Macchio to give him sex, man! He’s done playing games he needs someone to sit on his ding dang.

Ralph and Karina score a 22.

Chris Jericho does an imitation of Len so accurate that Cheryl calls him Ozzy Osborne. This week has been rough on Chris, as he has been losing sleep over his scores of sevens. All he wants in this lifetime is to get an 8 from Len. Complex much?

Jericho dances the Viennese waltz to “America the Beautiful” and Bruno gets wood! Len is absolutely thrilled that Cheryl is showing off her ‘rocky mountains’, finally, his cup of tea.  He’s quickly turning into someone’s inappropriate grandpa who just doesn’t care because he’s lived through the war and ‘Charlie didn’t have feelings!’

Len finally validates Chris by giving him an 8, giving the couple a total of 26. Sleep well, my sweet Jericho.

Petra and Dmitry exchange stories about ‘old country’ while in rehearsal and Petra admits that she had no idea who Elvis was when she was a kid. Fortunately for everyone, she is blessed enough to have gained that knowledge; “that’s the beauty of life, your never know where it will take you.” Thank god life took her to the catalogues of Victoria’s Secret.

Petra has trouble moving all those long model-y limbs of her in the quickstep. Models=0, Regular Short People=1.

With this quickstep, Petra thanks America for allowing her to achieve her dreams. Next week, she dedicates her dance to Saudi Arabia for providing oil and making it possible for her to drive around America in her little Porsche. By the end of the season, she will have thanked/paid tribute to every super power country in the world.

Bruno calls her a ‘Golden Goddess’ as the U.S Flag waves proudly next to an eagle in the background.

Petra and Dmitry score a 22 and celebrate with potatoes and week-old bread.

Pun #13: “Tomorrow night, America week comes to a star-spangled conclusion with country star Toby Keith.” America week = shortest week in history.

Romeo beat dad Master P, but that’s not enough for him, he wants to be number 1. Now he wants to put swagger in the foxtrot to take him to the next level.  He and Chelsie dance to “New York New York”.  I failed to see the swagger in his straight arms and nimble hops across the stage.

As he was watching Romeo dance, Bruno got carried away with his elaborate fantasies and tells Romeo that he has “swagger and spank and is full of flavor.” Those are inside thoughts Bruno, we don’t share those.

Romeo hops on the dedication train with Petra and one-ups her by dedicating his dance to his friend’s mom who was diagnosed with cancer. Take that Czech Republic! America wins!

The two get a score of 26, which puts them in a tie for the lead with Chris and the Rockies Cheryl.

Hines and Kym are next. Kym has spent a little too much time in the spray tan booth and is now brown, until she starts sweating, then she has tiger stripes.

In rehearsal, Hines is instructed to be romantic, so he throws Kym on the floor. To Hines, romance is all about how hard you can toss your lady around. That how you show her you are the strongest of the tribe and you should be the one to pass on your seed, with her as your vessel.

Hines and Kym dance the rumba to “Proud to Be an American.” Little known fact, dental floss makes for great ballroom dancing dresses as Kym shows us.

Carrie Ann digs Hines’s hip action. That’s what she said!

Hines and Kym earn a 27 and the challenge is ‘brought-en’!

We relive the classic moment of Kirstie’s shoe loss last Monday, God bless America!

During rehearsal, Kirstie brings in Scientologist quack Dance Doctor John Travolta and Maks shits himself with glee.

The scientology community will do anything to get Kirstie to win DWTS.  Next week, they clear us of our engrams (recording of past painful events, i.e., Kirstie crushing Maks in Week 3) so that we get to our most clear state and crown Kirstie the winner of all Dancing with the Stars forevermore, never to be won again by a non-Scientologist. Then they will rule the world!!!

Maks and Kirstie dance the foxtrot to “American Woman”. Kirstie wears a frilly blue genie sweat suit and dances on a podium shaking her giggly-bits while Maks wears no shirt and struts his abs around the dance floor.

Maks risks everything by lifting her off the podium. Does he never learn?

They then, in perfect unison, give a giant hip thrust to the audience as fireworks go off behind them. Bruno is going to lose his mind. He will lose consciousness by the end of the show from the overwhelming sexiness of the male dancers.

As predicted, Bruno is bowled over by Maks and asks if he “takes direct bookings or if he’s going through an agent”. Looks like Bruno wants to take a ride on Maksim Air; when you’re here you’re royalty, and royalty gets to eat perogies off Maks’s washboard abs.

Maks and Kirste get a 23. Even John Travolta couldn’t get them a 30.

Kendra reveals that she felt attacked by Carrie Ann when she said “It seems like you’re afraid of elegance.” What Carrie Ann said was tame. She could have said a lot worse, like “You’re afraid of covering your lady bits because if you do, boys won’t like you,” or “You’re afraid of tact because you don’t know what that word means.”

Kendra wears an outfit that looks as if someone lifted her bustles and showed everyone her underoos. It’s a good thing it’s 2011, because two hundred years ago she would be put in the stocks for the sort of lewd behavior.

Tom reveals that the landmark 1000^th competitive dance will be performed by Kendra and Louis. Really? That’s who you chose to do the 1000^th dance? Bigs Tits McGee with an elegance complex? You’ve made your own bed DWTS.

They dance the foxtrot to “Yankee Doodle”. Fifth graders in the Presidents’ Day recital would blow them out of the water.

Bruno says that he can see Kendra thinking on camera; a first for Kendra.

Kendra and Louis get a score of 22.

Last to dance are Chelsea and Mark.  They were on top of the leaderboard last week and everyone can’t stop going on and on about whether or not they will make it to the top again this week. No. They won’t. The Scientologists won’t let it happen, unless Chelsea converts.

They are doing the Samba to “Party in the U.S.A” and Chelsea admits that there are three things she likes, “U.S.A, Partying and Miley Cyrus”. Spoken like a true tween. Disney is cutting the check right now.

The dance starts with Mark cleaning off a gas pump, because that’s what all Americans do. If I’ve learned anything about Americans tonight, it is that we are the most boring stereotypes ever, and we should all do whatever John Travolta says.

Shaggy pants and fireworks, that’s the way to win a competition. And they have both: 26!!!

Then there is a blizzard of confetti and Tom short circuits because he can’t read the teleprompter.

As soon as I turned off the TV, I immediately forgot everything that happened in the episode. Thank god for the recap of the recap show tomorrow!