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Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen! Another week, another round of performances on Dancing With The Stars. Since I last left you, it came down to The Hoff and Chubs for the final two, with the Hoff getting the boot. And hopefully for him, it was filled with delicious vodka.
I totally stole this photo from here. Consider that my citing of sources, also the closest I will ever come to being a professional journalist.
Speaking of vodka, unfortunately no one correctly guessed the song The Predicament danced to this week. But since I’m willing to buy my readers determined to get one lucky person as drunk as I am on a regular basis, we will continue the contest! Leave your guess as to what song Bristol Palin will dance to next week in the comments, and I will send you a bottle of vodka if you are correct!! Alcohol abuse is fun for everyone.
I mean, without it, how would this guy EVER get laid?
Oh yeah, chicks with low self esteem. I forgot. Anyhoo! This week, all of the couples will be performing either a jive or a quickstep-arguably the two hardest dances in ballroom due to the precision, stamina, and footwork required to pull off a decent routine. I love that they’re throwing this in on week two-”Here you go, suckers! Hope someone falls and dies-it would be great for ratings!”
Can I put in my vote as these two as the someones? (PS-please excuse crap quality of some of the screenshots, the ABC video player is suckish at times.)
Of course, The Berge and iCarly here are as clear as tonic water. Must be in their contracts.
First up tonight…..
Rick Fox: Slick Rick and Mophead have been assigned the jive, to be danced to “Tush” by ZZ Top. In showing him the basics of the dance, Mophead says, “when you’re out playing basketball, you don’t look like a tall, heavy guy. So why do you dance that way?” Slick laughs and tells her that he was actually referred to as “The Tank” when he was playing ball, because he was so, well, tall and heavy.
Hee hee. Tall and heavy. Hee hee. That’s what she said. Hee hee.
Slick is struggling with the jive footwork due to a major tendon injury he suffered in one of his feet that actually ended his NBA career. He is determined to work through it because, as Larry Bird once told him, “Pros play hurt.” Well, Slick, I suggest you take his advice, stop whining, and get on with it already. If the injury makes it hard to dance, why on earth would you sign up for a dance show? Try some Vicodin, it always cures whatever’s ailing me.
Their jive was okay. It could have been absolutely disastrous for a guy Slick’s size, but he handled himself okay. I didn’t see any obvious screw ups of the steps, but there were a few problems with weak arms and kicks. Not awful, however, but I think last week’s performance may have been better. I could have done without the gross sexual innuendo that pervaded the routine, though. Shit, I’m starting to sound like Len.
Why yes, Virginia, that is a cheesy play on the song’s title.
Let’s go to the judges-starting with “Head Judge” Len. Has he always been the “head judge”, or is that something they started throwing in to appease his massive ego?
It takes a massive pair of cojones to wear that particular shade of purple.
He asks Slick if he knew that tall men can’t jive-then assumes he must not have, because it was good. Compact, fun, and made him a contender. Batshit Bruno says Jive in Week 2 is one of the hardest scenarios, but Slick did extremely well. Carrie Ann agrees with the boys, except she thought he did better posture wise last week.
Florence Henderson: Let me just reiterate how much I adore Aunt Flo. While she definitely plays up the humor side of things, she is really trying to rock this shit and she is a total class act. LOVE.
How many times do I have to tell this guy that I only date men under the age of 30?
Aunt Flo and Corky Balls will be performing the Quickstep to “Suddenly I See” by KT Tunstall. I used to love that song until SYTYCD used it as the music that played behind the montage of each voted off dancer…now it just makes me want to kick kittens. Aunt Flo is unprepared for the stamina required for the Quickstep-she compares it to running, which it virtually is, but she is determined to make it through.
I also think she may be determined to get a plastic surgeon endorsement deal with that t-shirt.
Aunt Flo and Corky still added in a bit of humor to this performance, but focused much more on the actual dancing than last week. I was pleased with the overall dance-Flo’s carriage and posture were fab, even if this quickstep had many more pauses than I’m used to seeing. I’m sure it was either throw in the pauses, or end up with a dead Aunt Flo on the dance floor.
You don’t even want to know what came up when I Googled “Dead Aunt Flo”.
And as for the people who know less than me but get paid more? Batshit loved her entrance, but thought that at times the routine resembled “Dragging Miss Daisy”. Carrie Ann complimented Flo’s energy at her age, and thought that the quickstep suited her and her elegance, while Len agreed and said he would like to see her back for another week.
Brandy: I’m glad so many of you appreciated the shirtless pic I threw in last week of Brandy’s partner, my baby daddy, Maks. I also read the requests for shirtless pics of Cute Warner, and let me tell you, I looked high and low and could not find a single one! I think his morality is refreshing and all, but damn dude…throw us a bone! (Heh, that’s what she said.) So you’ll just have to settle for this:
Luckily one of the hot guys on this show is a famewhore.
Tony doesn’t really do it for me, but maybe he does for you?
And of course, for the Derek Hough fans out there.
We open their intro with a little ass slapping to get everyone warmed up for the main event:
Hey guess what?!?! Big shocker here: Baby Daddy is fighting with another one of his partners. I’m totally blaming this one on Moesha, though, because she’s all going off calling him a dick and he is actually staying pretty calm. He even comments on how proud he is for not losing his temper on the bitch. Baby Daddy better apologize, though, before she takes it out on him with her Range Rover. (Damn, those vehicular homicide jokes NEVER get old, do they?)
After he takes her car keys away and they make up, they hit the main stage to perform a Jive to “Magic” by B.o.B. I can’t quite put my finger on what it was, but something about this dance was just off….very, very awkward.
Maybe it was the eight foot tall black chick dressed up like a schoolgirl but popping her booty stripper style in the middle of a jive.
The music was really bad-the shitty backup band seriously outdid themselves on that one. Moesha’s legs were all over the place-her feet were hitting the kicks, but her legs did not seem in control of them. It was just….odd.
Carrie Ann thought Moesha was cute and energetic, but out of control and didn’t point her toes. Baby Daddy tried to come to Moesha’s rescue by arguing with CA, but it didn’t help. Len told her that she would never dance badly because she has great coordination, but she took a step backwards from last week. Moesha blamed that on Maks-way to throw him under the bus after he just stood up for you, trick. Batshit compared her to a Gwen Stefani backup dancer and said that ok from her is just not good enough.
I also caught a glimpse of the devil sitting out in the audience cheering Moesha on.
Michael Bolton: Sigh. At first, I just thought this guy was a huge doucherocket, trying to take flight to Uranus. Now, I just really don’t like him. He was having a hard time picking up Chelsie’s steps, so he magically came down with a case of laryngitis one day into rehearsals.
The CDC told me that my lameness is contagious, and threatened to euthanize me if I didn’t contain it.
Chelsie gets incredibly frustrated with his apathy toward learning the steps, and at one point sighs and says, “Whatever.” Ass Clown throws a huge diva bitch fit and threatens to quit and all the usual drama. He then realizes that if he quits, he doesn’t get paid, so he apologizes and finishes rehearsals.
As for their Jive to “Hound Dog” by Elvis Presley (great music, BTW-perfect for a jive)…I can’t really critique Ass Clown’s dancing, because, to be honest, I didn’t really see any. He did a bunch of side shuffling and galloping and twirled Chelsie around for a bit, and despite her best efforts to make it look good-well, it just didn’t. Speaking of Chelsie, HappyHusband just asked me for her for Christmas. Sure, babe-hook me up with a Maksim or an Alec Mazo and she’s all yours.
The judges were also not pleased with AC’s interpretation of the jive. Len said that as a singer, you know that some songs don’t fit your voice, and tonight, this dance did not suit his talents at all. Batshit was way more harsh-telling him that he did it very badly and that it was the worst jive he’s ever seen on the show. Wow, I mean, yeah, it sucked, but is there really any need to rub salt in the wound? Dude already has to live with the fact that he sucks at life, do you really need to confirm it on national television? Len jumps to Ass Clown’s defense, telling Batshit that he needs to keep some of his comments to himself. Carrie Ann says that it’s hard to be a judge, because she knows he tried super hard to perform a good dance and please his partner, but that the dance was awful. So, you are a failure as a human, but you tried so don’t go shoot yourself?
Audrina Patridge: I ended up liking Droopy much more than I thought I would last week, and tonight’s intro confirms that. Yes, she’s vapid and lacks any sort of higher level thinking whatsoever, but she’s humble and cute and skinny and tan and has pretty teeth. What can I say, I’m a sucker for the Hollywood makeover.
Damn. She was cute before Hollywood. There goes that theory.
She has a mini-meltdown in rehearsals, though, because she’s put her entire life on hold to like, work, y’all! Can you imagine? Not being able to go clubbing every night, out to lunch on The Sunset Strip every afternoon, or pop in for a mani/pedi twice a week because you actually have to like, show up to your job and earn a paycheck? Damn dude! I really feel for her. The fact that spontaneous quality couple time hasn’t been written into the script is like, really effecting her relationship with her boyfriend. Harsh.
Does someone, like, have a cue card on how to deal with sadness?
She pulls it together, thank goodness, and finishes learning her quickstep to “Love Machine” by Girls Aloud. As much as her vapidity may grate on me at times, I really do like the way she dances. She finishes her lines well, her footwork is usually right on, and she feels the music nicely.
Batshit thinks the show pony is turning into Secretariat. Someone told him Tony was hung like a horse, and now he’s all confused. Carrie Ann thinks this week was a huge improvement for Droopy, then accidentally dropped a line about her “having the balls” to do it. Not family friendly, hello! Len calls the performance the best of the night so far.
Tony got caught on camera during rehearsals that if the routine does not earn three 8′s, he will wax his legs. Well, Batshit throws in a 7 for shock value, I’m sure, so I guess Tony’s legs are going to be as smooth as Ken Doll’s ambiguous genitalia bump area.
Jennifer Grey: Ok, about last week. I read an interview with Lisa Swayze in which she said she was very touched by Jennifer’s outpouring of emotion regarding the song choice. (Much love to Pikey for telling me about it) In that case, I truly hope her reaction was authentic. It’s definitely sad face that someone as awesome as Patrick Swayze died, don’t get me wrong. But after watching tonight’s rehearsal montage, well….chick is super dramatic. All actresses are, right? It may just be due to the editing, but it appeared that she kept going on about her neck (which is legitimate-she had a cancerous growth removed and plates/screws inserted-OUCH) but what got me about it is that Ken Doll didn’t seem legitimately concerned whatsoever. Whether that was due to him being stressed out about getting the choreo done, annoyed with Jennifer in general, thinking that she was a drama queen, or that he wasn’t programmed with the empathy chip at the Mattel factory, I don’t know. But that’s just my two cents. (More love to Zbird, and my sincerest sympathies again.)
You see, this scar is where they removed my chance at a successful career.
J.Grey and K.Doll will be performing a Jive to “Shake It” by Metro Station, and since they can’t do any tricks or lifts because of Jennifer’s surgeries (not sure if the infamous nose job is included in that) they have decided to amp up the difficulty and tempo of the dance. They most certainly succeeded in that-it was GOOD. Ken Doll is a choreography master, and she definitely kept up with his magic. Her overdone faces in a few parts made me want to vomit, but other than that, I had no complaints.
The two collapse on the floor to listen to their judging, and The Berge joins them.
I’m done with her, do you want your turn now?
Carrie Ann opines that J.Grey is like a hot, sexy energizer bunny. Len says there was nothing “Grey” about that performance, and Batshit thinks it was a killer jive. (I will refrain from the obvious joke.)
Score: 24 (to be honest, I was expecting 9′s across the board. Guess they want to save some ass-kissing for later in the season)
Ok, so after the scores were delivered, J.Grey and Ken were being subjected to the obligatory interview by The Brooke in the Celebriquarium. A full ten to thirty seconds AFTER the scores were handed down, a bunch of booing ensued from the audience. The Brooke said that she didn’t know why people were booing, but I have my suspicions:
The cameras cut over a little too quickly, and caught Sarah Palin just sitting down with The Berge and shaking her head while shrugging at the crowd, in essence acknowledging their boos and acting like she didn’t understand. I mean, look at her poor little unpregnant daughter over to the side! Even she knows everyone hates her mom. What’s her name anyway, Darlington or Daytona Beach? ABC tried to cover the next day by explaining that the audience was booing the scores, but I call bullshit. Like I said, the booing was way after the score announcement, and Sarah’s reaction said it all.
Margaret Cho: So glad that Large Marge survived last week! Told you the fat chick collective would carry her through. She was convinced she was the one leaving though-she said that backstage awaiting the announcement, people wouldn’t look her in the eye and after touching her, wanted to go “wash the loser off.” Hilarious. She made it though, and she’s crying again because she feels like she’s proved she can do this. Ok, Marge, I love you just as much as anyone else, but enough with the freaking crying! That goes for all the contestants-there is NO crying in ballroom! Gah! Here, have some of my Prozac-trust me, this shit will make you never cry again.
Not doing the Mom impression in this shot. Just being Asian.
Louis tells Marge that she is hilarious naturally, and that in this Jive, to the tune of “Dreaming” by Blondie, she doesn’t need to overact and try so hard-that she will be great just being herself.
Other than being blinded by the combination of zebra print and the gayest shade of hot pink I’ve ever seen in the costumes, their jive was pretty good. I didn’t like the song rendition, and the steps themselves were pretty elementary, but Marge didn’t screw any of them up which was a bonus.
Len appreciated that Large Marge took their notes last week and did a proper jive full out. Batshit told her that she needs to tighten her buttock, aw shucks, Bruno, you say that to all the boys. Carrie Ann tells her to tone down her facial expressions, and Marge replies that she can’t help it, that’s just how her face is. Cute.
Kyle Massey: Chubs and Aubs, back in full effect! Lacey, our resident Aubrey O’Day lookalike, has put Chubs on a program to get him in better shape, to improve his stamina and performance. She has him workout before every rehearsal, and has ordered him to cut out the fast food. Dude, has this bitch looked in a mirror? Like she has room to talk.
Lacey, before the marijuana habit and horrible dye job.
Can someone pass me the bong and the cheetos?
I kid, I kid. I think she’s beeyootiful, and far skinnier than I. She has choreographed a fun, youthful quickstep to “I Want You To” by Weezer.
And Chubs keeps up with it, even though it is pretty fast paced and not nearly as basic as some of the others we’ve seen tonight. There were parts where he lost his tightness and relied on his performance skills, but overall not too shabby.
Batshit judges first, proclaiming Chubs as a powerhouse performer but telling him he needs to reign himself in and work on control. Carrie Ann tells Batshit to welcome in the new school, because while the dance was not classic, it was great. Len goes on and on about how Chubs was flat-footed, he lacked style, he lacked control-but he totally loved the dance.
Kurt Warner: Oh yes, my man Cute is back, and adorable as ever.
Seriously, this face? Kills me.
Speaking of last week, Cute tells us that he’s been booed by tens of thousands of fans in a stadium-he’s not too worried about one old guy from England talking shit (referring to Len’s judging of his first dance). LOVE him.
Cute has also taken it upon himself to “help” Anna with the choreography, by suggesting some moves for her to consider-such as “the pony” and some weird wiggly leg move. She just laughs and throws in a couple of his ideas, appreciative that he’s at least trying to help. They will be performing a Jive to “Danger Zone” by Kenny Loggins. Oh hell yeah-”That’s a negative, Ghost Rider, the pattern is full!”
Take me to bed now, or lose me forever!
The jive itself was pretty good too. Cute needs to work on being a little tighter with his arms and concentrate on finishing his kicks all the way, but he’s got heart and a natural ability and confidence that is really fun to watch. Cutiepoo Anna doesn’t hurt his cause, either.
Carrie Ann loved it, and complimented Cute’s musicality and ease on the dance floor. Len, surprisingly says that this week was much improved and tells Cute that it was a job well done. Batshit says that Cute is a cool guy with a cool jive, and comments on his “hands the size of frying pans”. You know what they say about guys with huge hands….they usually do well as NFL quarterbacks. Wah wah wah.
Score: 21 (tied with Slick Rick, and very accurate judging. Imagine that.)
The Situation: This guy is killing me. I want to like him, I really do. But his bravado misguided high opinion of his pathetic dancing skills makes me want to drown him in a sea of jello shots. No, wait….do not waste the jello shots!
Then she did us all a favor and throatpunched him.
They are sure to remind us in the rehearsal montage that The Predicament learned the last routine in only five days, so he’s sure to be better today. He starts poorly, though, by not being pleased with their song choice-”Americana” by Brian Setzer. To be honest, I’m not pleased either….our choices in the comments last week were WAY better! 100 Proof is enjoying kicking The Predicament’s ass, thinking that not many girls get the chance to do that. Wait, together they are a 100 Proof Predicament…wow, sounds like my first pregnancy!
Their quickstep was as bad as you probably imagined. He lacked form and posture so badly that 100 Proof couldn’t even keep her steps in line. He managed to move around the floor much more than Michael Bolton did earlier, but wow-it was definitely a Situation.
Len agrees with me and says that the dance was a series of unfortunate events. He does throw him a bone and said that for a difficult dance, he did okay. Batshit said that he could tell that The Predicament wanted to do well, but was unable to pull it out. (That’s what she said.) Carrie Ann advises him to find some musicality and thanks him for not fist pumping.
Score: 18 (No way in HELL was this dance an 18. It was most definitely not 6 points better than Ass Clown’s, and it was not on the level of the other 18-Large Marge. BULLSHIT!)
Bristol Palin: Well, well, well….if it isn’t Bristol the Pistol, as coined by her lovely mother. Now, my entire family of in-laws are from South Dakota and Iowa and have that Minn-EE-SOOOOO-tah accent, and I love it. I wasn’t aware that Alaskans have that accent multiplied by ten and plus annoying. Ew. Anyhoo, “teen activist” Bristol decided to take Mark Balls home to Alaska to meet her mom and kid and see the countryside. It is certainly gorgeous there, and would have been a nice package if it wasn’t for the mom-ster. Is it a bad sign when Tina Fey can imitate a better version of yourself?
Please, Lord, don’t shimmy. No one needs to see that.
To “You Can’t Hurry Love”, by The Supremes, Nascar will be dancing a quickstep. She was off on some of her hops, and still kind of stiff and nervous on the dance floor. Could you imagine if she was paired with someone even slightly intimidating, like Maks? She would probably be crying in a corner somewhere. Poor kid, you can tell she’s been controlled by Mama her entire life.
Batshit loves her innocent quality, but advises her to work on the performance aspect of dancing. Carrie Ann thinks Nascar reminds her of Kelly Osborne, and can’t wait to watch her grow as a dancer. Len thinks she’s not quite there yet, but she’s close, and needs some extra flair. And an IUD.
Ok, I’m finishing this up at 10 pm on Tuesday night, and I have purposely had the TV and other browser windows closed so that I don’t see any spoilers about the results show. I’m torn between who to predict as the one going home…I want to say Michael Bolton solely due to his terrible score and judging, but maybe I could get lucky and it will be The Predicament? What do you guys think? And remember to stay tuned for my better half, Flipit, and his photo recap of the results show!
Love and Bubbles, HappyHousewife