The show starts with about 20 minutes of introductions as all the stars make their way down the stairs. Hey Dancing With the Stars, I have an idea. Let’s shave some time off this program by cutting out this ‘walking down the stairs’ bit. I know who they are and I don’t want to watch them nervously eyeing the steps while they try to wave to the camera, look cute, and not die on the 68th step.
Once all the stair walking is done, Disney Star Chelsea Kane and Mark Ballas have their first dance. The song is Sara Barielles’s “King of Anything” and, how adorable, they start lying down in a field of daisies. She’s bubbly and perky and everything you could ever want in a cheerleader, except she never got a chance to be one because she was home schooled. (sad face) Chelsea says she really wants to dance with a boy because her home schooling never gave her the opportunity to have a “boy dance”—only teddy bear dances after lights out.
After their dance, Len says it was ‘young and fresh’. Like a daisy? But, he got a little bit ‘cranky’ over the middle bit where they danced like the Black Eyed Peas. Which, if the Black Eyed Peas twirl and dip in their hip hop routines, then yes, Chelsea and Mark did dance like them. Once the judges are done talking about how ‘fresh’ the pair is, Brooke Burke takes over, wearing the dried out remains of an umbilical cord as a dress. They scored a 21 out of 30, which seems great in DWTS-speak but really only averages out to a C.
Coming into rehearsal with partner Tony Dovolani, Wendy Williams yells words at him as if he’s deaf and looks like she just finished up work as an extra on the new season of Breaking Bad. Keeping in character, she cries during the rehearsal and blots away tears with her weave.
Wendy performs the cha-cha to “I’m Every Woman” in a get-up that makes her look like an overgrown high school flag girl. Is this really a prime time show, or is it the sappy part of a Rom Com where the heroine shows that she is a strong sexy independent woman who doesn’t need a man? Carrie Ann says that she sees fear in Wendy’s eyes. Wendy is clearly out of her element. She doesn’t have a little gay man hanging all over her… wait. Nevermind, she’s probably just being emotional; like a lady. Len Goodman points out that her “dumplings”, which is British for breasts, are “boiling over”.
Looks like her “dumplings” hindered some of her fierce dance moves leaving her with a score of 14 out of 30. She needs to put away those dumplings and pull out the ‘waggin’ finger. Mmmmm Hmmmm.
Next, Pittsburgh Steeler Hines Ward tells us that ever since he lost at the Superbowl, he needs to prove himself by winning the mirrorball trophy. I’m no sports expert, but the mirror ball hardly seems like it will fill the hole left by the loss of the Superbowl. You lost the SUPERBOWL. Dancing in tight outfits is not going to get you your manhood back Hines. He carries on the charade with his partner Kym Johnson and dances the cha-cha to the song “Club Can’t Even Handle Me”. I don’t remember the dance because I had to look up the Youtube video of the Indian kid singing. The one time I looked up during the dance, Hines looked like a baby contemplating a difficult poop.
Carrie Ann says he has the ‘glitteriest cha-cha’ she has ever seen – another blow to the manhood. And Len tells Hines that he was looking at his ‘bum’, “Your bottom’s the tops!” Len proves he wants Hines ‘on top’ by giving him a score of 21 out of 30.
Then the show takes a serious turn as Petra Nemcova reveals in her first rehearsal with Dmitry Chaplin that she is a Tsunami survivor. She dances the fox trot to “Don’t Know Why”. Len is worried about her dancing the jive next week because she is so tall and Carrie Ann can’t stop gushing about how gorgeous she is. Of course she is tall and gorgeous, she’s a model. She’s bred that way. If she were short, she would have been thrown in the river. Petra dedicated her first dance to the victims of the Japan tsunami and disappoints all of them by scoring an 18 out of 30. Now she has to practice piano until she is given permission to leave.
Romeo is finally on DWTS!!!! Now he has to undo the damage done by his groove-less dad, Master P. Upon their first meeting, partner Chelsie Hightower, who looks roughly 5 and a half, tells him if he scores 2’s like his dad, they’re going to have a problem. I think Chelsie might be part of the ‘family’. DWTS has a knack for highlighting the careers of these stars by choosing relevant songs for them to dance to, and boy did they hit the nail on the head with “Romeo” by Basement Jaxx.
Len and the other judges can’t stop dropping Shakespeare lines and Bruno tells Romeo he can’t dance “as you like it”, which contextually doesn’t even make sense. Carrie Ann tells him he has sex appeal for days and then proceeds to drool over his svelte bod. Apparently they haven’t had the mandatory sexual harassment meeting yet. He and Chelsie score a 19 out of 30, which buys him a pass for this week. But if it’s any lower next week, Chelsie is bringing out the brass knuckles.
In the first rehearsal, Anna Trebunskaya walks in to find boxing legend Sugar Ray Leonard practicing his boxing moves. Or move. He does one jab and asks Anaa to take off his gloves for him. He then proceeds to cry, only he forgot his weave in the ring and has nothing to blot away the tears. The two dance the foxtrot to “The Power of Love”. Carrie Ann tells him he’s like Ben Vereen and Bruno gets a little over-excited about calling Ray ‘Sugar’. Material for future fantasies, Bruno? Len says the foxtrot is fine wine and caviar, but this was beer and pizza. Mmmm pizza. They score a 17 out of 30 and Sugar Ray really beats himself up about it. See DWTS? I can make puns too.
Kendra Wilkinson is partnered up with Louis Van Amstel –a man with the most squared jaw ever. In rehearsal, Kendra “accidentally” puts her hands into Louis’s buttcrack and laughs a laugh so awful it makes Fran Drescher sound like a phone sex operator. She keeps making jokes about how she likes to shake her booty and Louis says she should be a stripper. Has he ever seen The Girls Next Door? She dances the cha-cha to the song “When Love Takes Over’ like a steamroller, almost knocking square-face over.
Bruno says she gave the dance a “full frontal attack” which may mean she damaged the dance with her boobs. Then he and Kendra have a fight about heel size. Apparently, Bruno sports a 12” heel. Kendra got an 18 out of 30 on her routine, which is a D. Double her score and you get her cup size.
And now comes the series of Karate Kid references: “The man who karate chopped his way into our hearts”, “I call myself Miss Miyagi”, “Wax on wax off remember, that’s me, Ralph Macchio.” Are you watching Jayden Smith? This is what the future looks like.
Ralph Macchio claims that getting the mirrorball trophy would make his mantle complete. He’s going to put it right next to his zero Oscars, zero Golden Globes and zero Tonys. Ralph walks in to rehearsal to see partner Karina Smirnoff in the crane pose. If I see one more Karate Kid reference… Apparently, Ralph is falling apart as he shares unnecessarily, “Don’t let the face fool you, the working parts are a lot older.” Poor Mrs. Daniel-son. Ralph really does look like he’s barely legal, but he’s actually 49. The only tip off that he may be past puberty is his borderline hipster hair swoop, or the comb over of the 10’s. They do the foxtrot and become the night’s top scorers with 24 points out of 30, even though, according to Bruno, he has ‘creepy hands’.
Redneck Icon Crowd favorite, WWE star Chris Jericho is partnered with Cheryl Burke and has already donned himself with the name ‘Team Chericho’. Cheryl says that the challenge with Jericho is that he is so muscular “sometimes he looks like he doesn’t have a neck.” It’s not because he’s so muscular Cheryl, it’s because he’s been slammed on his head so many times in the ring that his head has been smooshed into his shoulders, creating a no-neck appearance. Chris says he’s here to get the job done and make the donuts, which, according to urban dictionary means, throw down the rest of the competition and run around the room beating your chest while wearing a borderline gay pleather vest.
The couple dances the cha-cha to the song “Should I Stay or Should I Go” in the most flaming biker outfits ever. Carrie Ann calls their dance a Chippendales cha-cha and thinks they can do a little more with their dance. Careful Carrie Ann, you are very close to a sexual harassment suit. Len says that Chris’ hips are allergic to music. You know what they aren’t allergic to? Ladies. They earn a score of 19 out of 30, which translates to 1.5 donuts.
Mike Catherwood, aka Psycho Mike on Loveline, is partnered with Lacey Schwimmer, who has the darkest roots I’ve ever seen. Mike walks into the rehearsal super excited he has an American dancer because as he says, “some people have forgotten about the cold war, but I haven’t” and Lacey responds with a high-five more awkward than her roots. It’s a good thing he’s hot because he does not score well on an IQ test or in social tact. Lacey tells him that dancing is just walking, but if walking is already proving to be a challenge for him, these words cannot console him.
During the foxtrot to “Cooler Than Me”, he looks like a terrified 5 year old in the school play desperately trying to remember the choreography. Len says, “Dancing is movement to music. There was movement and there was music.” Which basically means white boy can’t dance. Bruno thinks he looks constipated when he dances, which, if you missed it, sort of resembles a golden retriever who can’t find the ball.
Lacey tells the judges that sometimes Mike shows her things she doesn’t want to see and Mike pipes in saying “It’s true, sometimes dancing makes me disrobe.” As if one horribly awkward moment isn’t enough, Mike finds the opportunity to insert yet another. Congratulations Mike! You’ve succeeded in making everyone change the channel simultaneously in millions of living rooms across America. As a result, he finished last with 13 points, which is basically the ‘Thanks for participating’ ribbon in scoring.
They saved the biggest best star for last. Kirstie Alley! She calls herself a “dancing with the stars ho”. But what she meant was she’s a dancing with the stars ho-ho, which she inhales as a pick me up between spoonfuls of mayo.
Kirstie performed the cha-cha with partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy to the song “Fuck You” The version of “Fuck You” they play at Bar Mitzvahs now. ABC cleverly changed the words from “ain’t that some shit” to “ain’t that some stuff”, which is a real improvement from the filthy words of the original song. Bruno is loosing his critique steam as he drops the worst pun of the night, “Look Who’s Dancing!!!” Carrie Ann uses air quotes when she calls Kirstie “over 40”. That’s not a quote, unquote situation. She is absolutely nowhere near 40. She is so far away from 40 that she doesn’t even remember what 40 looks like. All her scientology buddies are sitting in the front row to support her. At the break they shock treated relieved her of the toxins the aliens implanted in her while she was dancing, thus bringing her to the score of 23 out of 30.
After a 2 hour season premiere of DWTS, I’m totally punned out and have learned nothing.