Dear God. It’s the semi-finals with only four couples and the show is still two hours long? What kind of ridiculous fluff are we in for tonight? At least we don’t have to watch Tristan attempt to steer the albatross that is Nancy Grace around the stage anymore. We do, however, get to watch some Kardashians and continue the K Count. The couples are all dancing three times this week. Ricki Lake looks like a hot canary and J.R. is dressed as Zorro and it looks like he’s chewing gum in the intro – my high school drama teacher would have had a fit.
Apparently, Hope has been chaining herself to the stage every night in order to remain in the competition. When told this, Nancy Grace and Carson Kressley simultaneously exclaimed "I wish I'd thought of that!"
First up is Hope Solo. Frankly, I’m surprised she made it this far and that she and Maks haven’t killed each other. They decide to tell us all about how she has a serious shoulder injury and is using shots she was saving for the Olympics to help her through this dance. They do a Paso that starts with Hope chained up a la Princess Leia. The dance isn’t bad when she’s moving, but in the moments she’s still, I can tell she’s not sure how to finish her moves. Len likes her attack but says that there was so much aggression that she lost control of it. Bruno agrees that she lacked artistry. Len gets booed and Bruno doesn’t. Carrie Ann says that character took over but the grace and fluidity suffered. So they essentially said the same thing, proving that the audience simply does not like Len. Hope whines that she’s supposed to be aggressive, completely missing the point. The judges give them a 21. Brooke asks Maks if he’s disappointed, but he’s still backpedaling from a few weeks ago and vomits rainbows and bunnies at the judges. Tom calls him Stepford Maks.
J.R. and Karina have some difficulties in rehearsal. He knees her in the stomach and then twists his ankle. Their Paso is entertaining and exciting. They are plenty aggressive while maintaining form, so shut the hell up, Hope. He twisted his ankle again while dancing and did not show that he was in pain at all until after. Bruno says his posture wasn’t perfect. Carrie Ann agrees, but gives him credit for being in pain and still performing. Len says the dance didn’t suit him and that he was too hunched over. So they didn’t love it, but I think they’ll do better in the next dance. J.R. says his ankle hurts, but he’ll be fine and he doesn’t need any shots to do his job. They get a 23, which is disappointing, but I’m Team J.R. all the way and I know they’ll pull it off. If he’s not in the semi-finals, prepare for a seriously pissed off Hazylazy.
Rather than whine like a little bitch about how unfair everything is, J.R. tapes his ankle and powers through.
Cheryl and the ideal husband contestant are next. Rob is excited about the bootie-shaking and I’m pretty sure that Karrie Ann will be, too. They ride out on a Carnivale-style float and Karrie Ann flashes some boob. So far we have seen no Kardashians and I wonder if they are in attendance or if, perhaps, the producers have noticed how much free airtime they were getting. Wait, there they are! K Count = 2. Karrie Ann calls it bootylicious. Len and Bruno love it, although everyone agrees the beginning on the float was too much. They score a 28, getting a 10 from Karrie Ann.
I really hate that #1: Bootylicious is recognized as a word and #2: That it has been used repeatedly to describe Rob.
Ricki is after the 10 from Len, so she needs to nail her footwork. Ricki really want to enjoy herself this week, but is really nervous about the lifts because she still thinks she’s really heavy, which she’s not. Somebody get that bitch a scale. Their samba is amazing and Len says they will be in the finals and applauds them for not using gimmicks. Bruno and Carrie Ann offer rave reviews as well. They grab a 30, which is their first perfect score and puts them in first… at least for now.
"Wait. Did you just call me fat?"
Now we hear what the judges are looking for in the Argentine Tango and then some fluff stories about how the “stars” became the competitors they are today. Hope was competitive (no, really?) and was better at sports than the boys. Hope talks about how her father left her mother and kidnapped them. He went to jail and then she saw a homeless man at one of the games and knew it was her father. She was cut from the 2007 World Cup team and fought to get back. We also see video of her criticizing the coach’s decision. She finds a way to defy odds, but I think she’s defied the odds long enough. She starts her tango cavorting on the judges’ table, providing me with one of my favorite pictures of the season. Seriously, the looks on Len and Bruno’s faces are fucking awesome. The tango is not terrible, but there are some awkward moments with the lifts. Len says it was far better than the Paso and calls Hope on the table “a buffet of tasty morsels.” Gag. Bruno and Carrie Ann agree that it was much better. Carrie Ann says some of the lift entries weren’t clean. Maks apparently makes a face that Carrie Ann comments on. Hope mouths off and Maks tries to shut her up. Carrie Ann looks super pissed as she gives them an 8. I think she would hurl the paddle at Hope if she could. They get a 24. Hope and Maks have a 45.
The judges looks tell a very different story than their comments.
J.R.’s package is next and I’m guessing that the story of his “winning spirit” will kick everyone’s ass. His mother told him to keep smiling no matter what because you never know how it can change your life or someone else’s. His mother is awesome. Some of his All My Children costars talk about how he’s fearless and J.R. says that positivity is the secret to success. His intensity in the dance is amazing and the lifts look effortless. He looks really nervous about hearing what the judges have to say this time and admits to Tom that his ankle still hurts. Bruno comments on his lifts and their sexual heat. Carrie Ann says the lifts were extremely difficult and that he mastered them. Len calls her a hooker and loved it. They score a 27, bringing them to a 50.
How can anyone not root for J.R.?
Next we get to hear about how Rob’s life is oh-so-difficult, so there is sure to be a bucketful of Kardashians. Rob says what sets him apart is that he hasn’t really experienced life. His sisters admit to torturing him throughout his life and we hear about his father dying. He talks about not knowing what he wanted to do with his life. K Count = I lost count. Rob thinks he can win, which is absurd, right? Tell me I am not the only one thinking this. He is more manly now than he was at the beginning, I’ll give him that. I think Karrie Ann made a man out of him. Come on. She’s a sexy older woman and all. Karrie Ann says there is no way to fake good dancing and basically that Rob will be in the finals. Len says he’s finishing strong. Bruno says he’s a leading man now. They get a 27 and have a 55. That can’t be right. Is my math off somewhere?
Rob's sisters used to make him wear dresses and hats. Finally, Karrie Ann and Cheryl have made a man out of a poor little Kardashian.
Ricki reveals that she was molested in her home as a child and how she turned to food to deal with it. She talks about hitting bottom and how she got to 260 pounds. She is described as determined and tenacious. Her Argentine Tango puts her in her slinkiest dress yet. She is, most definitely, not heavy. They nail it, proving that they are still here for a reason. Len calls it a lovely contrast of movement and says it was “really really good.” Bruno calls her a femme fatale. Carrie Ann says her performances have pop and shine. They earn a 29 and have a total of 59.
Check out this footwork, bitches.
Next is a Cha-Cha relay where each couple will dance for bonus points. J.R. calls Rob “volcano crotch,” which sounds like a condition for which you might visit a doctor. Hope remembers nothing of the cha-cha and I’m guessing they will end up in last place. The cha-cha was my favorite competition dance, so I look forward to this. It really seems to me that the women have an advantage in this dance and I think J.R.’s portion was shorter than the others. So, let’s see how they do. Hope and Maks get last place, so the 4 bonus points print them to a 49. J.R. and Karina get 6, so they have a 56. Ricki and Derek get 8 and Rob and Cheryl get 10, so they tie with a score of 67.
My guess would be that Hope is gone. She did reasonably well today, but the other simply did better and her mouth is as off-putting as Maks’. She does NOT deserve to be in the finale and I don’t believe she’s going to get there, but I have been wrong before.
My DVR is still on Kardashian strike, so I missed the first 20 minutes. What I quickly learned was that Rob is safe and Hope is not. So if Hope isn’t out of here tonight, I’m taking my heels and going home. Carson Kressley is back, helping in the costume department and trying to trick Rob into getting a Brazillian wax. Derek and Ana dance a Paso Doble to “Bad Romance,” reminding us what a Paso Doble looks like when danced by two people who really know what they are doing.
And now for an uplifting true story about lives being changed by dance…
And now we have some Muppets! I love Muppets. We watched The Muppet Movie earlier tonight and I’m ready to see the new movie. The gang is all here to sing and there are humans to do some dancing. The grouchy old muppets, Statler and Waldorf, take over the judging table and give Tom some crap. It’s adorable, but let’s get on with it, shall we?
Len said Ricki would be in the finals after their dance last night, but we’ve yet to find out if they are definitely through to the finale. Len said J.R. was more Zero than Zorro. We see a brief moment of weakness from J.R. and I can’t help but wonder if he would have gotten more votes if the viewing public had realized how much pain he was actually working through. J.R. and Karina are in jeopardy, so Ricki is definitely in the finals.
Now I’ve never pointed this out, but I feel the need to at this juncture. They make a big deal out of saying that the two couples in jeopardy didn’t necessarily have the lowest scores, meaning that they manipulate the results to create drama. Or that’s what I’m telling myself for the next few minutes until I know J.R. is headed to the finale. I think the real questions are how much of a sore loser Hope will be when they kick her off and whether or not Maks has a job next season. Karina looks a little like she might throw up as they wait for the results. So, in the 9th week of competition, Hope Solo is going home. Hope thanks everyone, but can’t leave without making a bitchy comment about trying to win a gold medal next summer rather than the mirrorball trophy. You know what? Good riddance to your bad attitude.
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