Grab your Kleenex™ because tonight’s episode is sure to bring a tear to your eyes. Either from sadness or laughter. Tonight the stars are dancing from the
fart heart; telling a personal story from their most memorable year and translating that into a dance. Even if that means dancing something completely contrary to their assigned ballroom style.
First upis Jack Wagonwheeler (after a horrible pun about Martina Navratilova getting served last week. But they didn’t even go with “served” they said “grand slammed” complete with racket animation and everything!). Jack shares a story about meeting his adult diaper for the first time. Ooops! DAUGHTER. Adult DAUGHTER. Sorry. Anyway he and his daughter tell a really sweet story about how she ambushed him at a concert to tell him she’s his daughter, and how they just cried, and cried and cried. And now she’s part of his family. Wheee! FUN! They dance a samba (to one of Jack’s own songs) in celebration of his daughter. Where’s the the “Buy it on iTunes” plug?
Nothing says “I love my daughter” like awkward hip thrusts.
He’s slightly sloppy, and awkward but very spirited and definitely keeps up with Ana.
- Len said he’s taken some happy pills tonight, so he loved the rhythm especially the hip movements (REALLY?!) but Jack’s upper body was a little forced at times. 8.
- Bruno creams himself yelling “You got the party started!” before telling Jack that he was really driving the dance this week (as opposed to last week where Ana was leading him around). 8.
- Kerry Ann loves it and wants to see more of this “effervescent” Jack. 8.
Up next are Maria and Derek. Maria reminisces about when she was growing up in the 80s and how her whole family were janitors for night clubs in Boston. She tears up talking about what a sacrifice her immigrant parents made to keep a roof over their head. So obviously the best choice of a song to Rumba about this to is Madonna’s “Material World.” In rehearsal Derek pouts about how she needs to sex it up as if he were William Levy.
Too cute, secret boyfriend. Too cute.
BUT WOW! Their performance is amazing! So smooth, sensual and erotic.
- Bruno is way too turned on by my boyf’s performance, calling him a “naughty boy.” Back off Bruno! He compliments Maria’s fluidity and how she danced to the melody and not the rhythm (which is much harder). 9.
- Kerry Ann gets tongue tied trying to make a horizontal Rumba joke. Finally getting around to complimenting Maria’s mature sensuality. Is Kerry Ann a little gay for Maria? 9.
- Len loved the smoldering intensity and technique, but warns of her tentativeness. His 9 gives them the highest score of the season so far!
While they receive their scores Maria is busted for moonlighting as a wrestler for Wrestlemania! Great choice for someone recovering from a rib injury!
Following them is Gladys Mutha Fuckin Knight! She reminisces about when she was just starting out and how much she learned in that first year, especially from Sam Cooke. How fitting that they perform her dedication to Sam Cooke, to his very own “Cupid.” They serve up a gentle, unremarkable Foxtrot.
Tristan: “Do NOT fall up those stairs, gurrrrl!”
Tristan didn’t really challenge them, but Ms. Knight does hold her frame- something she was fiercely criticized for.
- Kerry Ann appreciates the elegant frame Ms. Knight brought. 8.
- Len appreciated the improvements. He compliments her dedication and energy, saying he wouldn’t be able to do it at their age. 8.
- Bruno loved her fluidity and grace also. 8.
Following them is Roshon and Chelsie. Roshon’s favorite year was the year he first saw his idol Michael Jackson. They pull in Travis Payne, MJ’s choreographer. That’s not really fair, is it? Especially since he was in the top two last week. They dance a multi-period, MJ-inspired Samba.
Roshon is too concerned with imitating MJ, and it costs him accuracy as he gets out of time with the music. Plus his ‘fro is a hot mess.
- Glen appreciates the “devil may care” but wishes there was more Samba in the GOD DAMNED ball room competition! Then he goes and gives them an 8. WHAT?! Did he even hear his own critique?!
- Bruno doesn’t care that this is a BALLROOM competition and appreciates the MJ tribute. 9. That’s it! Bruno is off my Christmas card list.
- Kerry Ann agrees with me that the MJ stuff threw Roshon out of time and the transitions weren’t clean. But she still gives them an 8!!! I call shenanigans!!!
Here to fight their way up from the bottom two are Gavin and Karina. Gavin comes close to getting choked up several times telling about when he struggled to make a start in music. His parents were a never-ending support system. Billy Joel was the reason Gavin wanted to be a singer so they do a rumba to “New York State of Mind.”
He better be thanking God for Karina because she is SELLING it with sass (spelled “a-s-s”). I appreciate his effort, but he’s a bumbling oaf.
- Bruno loved Gavin’s use of his hips, but critiques his turns. 8.
- Kerry Ann agreed with the turns, but appreciated his attention to detail and the sensual tenderness he brought. She screams “I’VE GOT GAVIN FEVER!!!!” 8.
- Glen saw good hips, better musicality, and growth from last week. 8. Come on! The producers must dictate the scores. That’s the only answer I can think of for this kind of confusing scoring.
Here to prove they still deserve 1st place are Katherine and Mark. Katherine relays a touching story about when she lost her father to lung cancer. Katherine chooses some Gosh Grobin song to dance their waltz.
It’s very moving. There is hardly a dry eye in the house. And I have nothing snarky to say, which actually says a lot.
- Kerry Ann thought it was magic. And that it was as if Katherine were simultaneously dancing with Mark and her father. 10!!
- Glen loves Katherine’s dancing, especially her frame when she’s doing ballroom. But he took most of his time to warn Mark to be careful of excluding BALLROOM from this ballroom dance competition. 100 times, yes. How many times does he have to say it, people?! He still scores them a 9.
- All Bruno does is yell “Sensational!” before exploding into flames. With his 10 they beat out Maria and Derek for the highest score this season!
Possibly the most controversial contestant (among fans- who either love or hate her) Sherri is next. Sherri shares the sad story of how her son was born with many complications. But that his recovery and survival makes her thankful. In rehearsal she struggles with the Rumba.
She seems a little false and most of the dance is her dramatically walking away from Val.
- Len appreciated the emotion and all the technical aspects. An 8.
- Bruno felt it very deeply. Although what doesn’t he? 8.
- Kerry Ann appreciated what she thought was honest dancing as Sherri moved through different emotions. Even if the smiley, “I’m happy to be dancing!” part was more of a cover up for a missed hand connection. She also thought her lines were better than ever. Also scores them an 8.
And now it’s Laura Ingalls time, people! Melissa recounts the time she was touring with The Little House On The Prairie musical (We need to stop right here and figure out what is going on in the world if there’s a Little House On The Prairie musical tour, but there’s just not time.). She talks about how she broke her back. Her biggest fear was that she would wake up from surgery paralyzed. So she’s overjoyed to be able to dance. They Jive to “The Dog Days Are Over.”
She mostly keeps up, but loses her center in turns, and finishes with some awkward hairography.
- Bruno loves the grace of the beginning and the end, but is wary of the individual work. 8.
- Kerry Ann loved that Laura Ingalls was able to fully “let go and rock the hair!” 8.
- Len welcomes her to the competition. In the 3rd week. I don’t know how that be taken as a compliment, but it is. 8.
Next up are Urkle/Jaleel White and Kym. The most memorable year of his life is the year he got to play Steve Urkle’s alter-ego Stefan Urquelle- the smooth, sexy version of Jaleel. He says this introduced him to a new side of himself and (in not so many words) got him laid. A lot. He cooly walks his way through a very 90′s R&B Rumba.
He’s either playing it too cool, or he’s not really into this. And for us not to know the difference is dangerous.
- Kerry Ann appreciates the laissez-faire, Greggory Hines-esque quality that Jaleel brought. 9.
- Len appreciated the confidence, and that even though his lower body brought the rhythm, he says Jaleel’s upper body needs to bring the melody. 8.
- Bruno says he played cool, well, and smooth, but agrees with Len. 8.
Jaleel ugly cries about how much he loves entertaining people saying “I been entertaining people since I was 8.”
Can you say “plea for votes?”
Sizzling up next is William Sex-on-a-stick Levy. He recalls the year he moved to America. I understand almost everything he says. But I don’t even care about what I didn’t understand. I think he said something about having apples for the first time in America? And that butter the U.S. doesn’t melt? Unless he’s around. In case you’re wondering there are some very NSFW images of William Levy readily available on the internet. And they are definitely worth checking out. Thanks to one of our readers for pointing me in that direction. He brings a very spicy Salsa to the dance floor.
Don’t burn yourself on this.
Maybe it’s the ballroom style (Salsa); maybe it’s because the song is in Spanish; maybe it’s because I just saw some very revealing pix of him online, but William Levy seems to have improved.
- Len proclaims William as conqueror of the salsa. 9.
- Bruno gives no critique beyond trying and failing to molest Mr. Levy. 10.
- Kerry Ann at least mentions the slip up when William’s partner got caught on his leg. But then she gets all flustered over how hot he is. 9.
Last but not entirely least, are Donald and Peta. Donald’s most memorable year was when his best friend died from cancer in his arms. His very heartfelt message ends with him telling everyone to live their life to the fullest. They perform a powerful Rumba to Maria Carey & Boyz II Men’s “One Sweet Day.”
- Kerry Ann is crying AGAIN. But at least she mentions a few technical errors. 9.
- Len appreciates the tenderness despite some hectic moments. 8.
- Bruno appreciates Donald’s control, and how he pushes himself to the limit. 9.
That wraps up tonight’s show. My vote for the season winner is Katherine. What do you guys think? Thanks for reading and make sure you check out CannedGinger’s recap of the results show!