DWTS Recap: Dancing or Stars. NOT Both

Well, bitches, it’s that time of year again.  Time to watch Dancing with the Pseudo-Celebrities. There is a new stage and a new cast and the same uncomfortable sexuality from Bruno. They enter and are all introduced and although I just wrote a preview a few weeks ago, I have forgotten who half of them are. They jump right in, which I’m thankful for because I know there will be too much filler and fluff this season and at least they are confining it to an hour “special” that I don’t have to recap. Yay!

Ron Artest and partner are dancing first, after he tells us a heart-wrenching story about how his daughter, who went through chemo and survived cancer at the age of 4, asked him to do the show. And what better way to honor his daughter’s fight than by putting on satin pants that give him a muffin top. Really.  A muffin-top like his pants are a few sizes too small. He is clearly in good shape as an NBA player, but the pants are not doing him any favors and the overly spangled bowtie doesn’t help. Ron has a lot of energy and seems to be enjoying himself. Peta impresses me by getting her leg over his head. Dude is 6’4”.  Len hates it and says he lacks technique. Bruno and Carrie say it’s fun, but their total score is a 14 and it’s clear they are likely to be at the bottom.

Muffin tops are so hot.

Rob Kardashian is next, so Tom Bergeron has to show us how many Kardashians are in the audience.  See.  It starts.  Before they dance we see six live shots of the sisters and one picture. K count = 7. Rob says he’s used to being bossed around and Cheryl kind of looks like she could be one of his sisters. They are doing a Viennese Waltz and Rob fakes it pretty well, but is stiff in a way that makes me think of that six weeks when we danced ballroom in elementary school gym class. Bruno calls him on a lack of musicality and the crowd boos. Khloe Kardashian feels the spotlight pulled from her sisters for 5 seconds and has to shout something out for more airtime. K count = 9. Carrie and Len agree he’s stiff.  They do slightly better than Ron and Peta with a 16, but everyone seems to think he has potential to keep going, so the K-Count will continue.

Quick! Pay attention to Khloe!

Not Shakira is next, and she tells us she is not a bitch. FYI, when a chick introduces herself as “not a bitch”- she’s definitely a bitch and she’s well aware of it. Kristin, or Not Shakira, tells the cameras she’s had a rough year because her engagement broke up, presumably because she’s a bitch. Kristin and Mark are going to ChaCha. She’s got the hips down, because hips don’t lie, but she often looks confused as to what she’s doing there. Her dress is sufficiently sparkly and Carrie makes a weird noise to describe her sparkliness. Len calls her on losing some of her spark from practice and Bruno makes everyone uncomfortable by telling us how he loves a “bad girl with hot hips who can give him hot action.” Ugggh. I need a shower after writing that. They do reasonably well with a 19.

Chynna Phillips, who would like me to remind you that she was NOT the fat one from Wilson Phillips, is next. We see a clip of the “Hold On” music video in case there is any doubt that she is, in fact, the skinny blonde one. She also wants to remind us that she’s married to Billy Baldwin. Chynna and Tony are doing the Viennese Waltz and she is by far the most graceful star we’ve seen thus far and is doing much more complex dance steps that the rest.  The judges are mostly impressed and she’s an early favorite with a score of 22.

See. So not the fat one.

Nancy Grace is paired with one of the new pros, Tristan, and I feel a little bad that he won’t be around long. I hear Nancy Grace has fans, but I don’t know any of them. They are going to Cha-Cha and I’m a little terrified she might put out one of his eyes with her giant boobs. I had no idea her boobs were so huge. They dance, but I’m mesmerized by her humongous shiny tits. Bruno calls her lavishly gifted and asks about the twins. He asks her to “give it to us,” but Carrie calls her on forgetting the choreography. Len and Carrie argue about whether or not ripping off clothes counts as dancing. Sadly, Nancy’s boobs choked her to death and they scored a 16. Nancy’s boobs give Tristan props and he says something we can’t understand because of his accent.

Nancy Grace and her boobs do not approve.

David Arquette, who is mostly known for being an Arquette and having been married to Courtney Cox, says he has been sober for 8 months. I briefly wonder if he would be looser if he had a drink or two. David and Kym are waltzing to a Queen song. Really?  I’m pretty sure that when Freddie Mercury wrote the song he was expecting some generic singers to cover it while two people we don’t care about waltz. David does remarkably well and, if we judge solely on dancing, he is probably a contender if he can relax a little. Len was impressed and Courtney Cox and Coco are in the audience and clapping happily. Bruno gives him acting advice and he scores an 18.

George Clooney’s former fiancé is up next and she doesn’t really seem that comfortable with English, dancing, or herself. She thinks Val is making fun of her in practice and I just have no sympathy for stick thin models with self-esteem problems. Their Cha-Cha is uncomfortable to me and Len agrees that starting the choreography in bed was weird.  Val is wearing a letterman jacket and the Katy Perry song is about being ridiculously drunk and blacking out every Friday night.  At least they had the good sense not to give that song to David Arquette. Bruno makes a predictable comment about her being good in bed but that she lacks confidence.  They get a 15 and Tom tries to sell us on the brother versus brother angle that may not last.

This is a woman who has never woken up with a hangover.

Han Solo’s daughter is waltzing next, dancing with Val’s brother, Maks. Hope makes Val tend goal as she kicks soccer balls at him and she basically kicks his ass.  I’m liking her, but mainly impressed at her muscles. They dance, but I’m bored and still troubled by the last number. Bruno goes first and, amazingly, doesn’t say anything that makes me want to vomit. My guess is that Hope scares him a little. Carrie talks about body connection, but it’s not creepy when she says it. Len is nice, too, and Maks gives Tom Bergeron a kiss. They score an impressive 21 and look surprised. Brooke basically calls Maks a pussy and Hope tries to hide her laughter.

Hope hides her face because she, too, thinks Maks is a pussy.

Carson is next and has already used the word “fabulous” once and called for more glitter before he and Anna even start working on the Cha-Cha.  He rips on Nancy Grace in rehearsal, which makes me like him, and does a move that reminds me of the giant bird from “Up.” He clearly brought his own outfit and while he’s not a great dancer, he’s my favorite because he is really having a good time. Carrie Ann and Len say he’s entertaining. Bruno does some pelvic thrusts and they get a 17. K count = 10. Bruce Jenner leans around Tom to make sure he gets on TV.

Remember me? I was in the Olympics!

J.R. Martinez is next and he tells us his story about how he ended up burned over 40 percent of his body and the 33 surgeries. He’s a real-life hero and I am going to have trouble making fun of him, as he is naturally quite likeable. They waltz and it’s extremely charming. Len tells him we’ll see him next week and even Bruno can’t say anything crude. Carrie Ann talks about the emotionally quality in his dancing.  Hello, he’s an actor. Confidence and emotion is what he does. They score a 22 and cannot say anything bad about each other.

Ricki Lake is up next and she tells us she wants to lose weight, saying Kirstie Alley inspired her. I can’t stop smiling when she’s dancing, it’s just so damn adorable. Carrie Ann makes a fantastic comment about how they connect.  Len picks on footwork, but they score a 20.

If there were any cuter they would be kittens.

And they, or course, have saved Chaz for last. We’ve been hearing about the controversy of the first transgendered contestant for weeks now and he is worried about all of the people counting on him. He is dancing with Lacey who still can’t seem to turn down the sluttiness. Everyone is on their feet and so proud of Chaz. He did pretty well and Bruno talks about how cuddly and cute Chaz is. Lacey is clearly in a cleavage competition with Nancy Grace, but I’m not sure who is winning. Lacey keeps grabbing Chaz’s tummy and jiggling it, which is mildly disturbing and when they are interviewed she seems to forget that HE is the celebrity. They score a 17, which seems a little low for the judges’ comments. Me, I’m just hoping that Cher shows up at some point this season. So that’s all for tonight. Be sure to check back for a recap from my yet-to-be-named counterpart. And I will be back next week, unlike one of the Stars!

Oh, Lacey. This is so inappropriate.