It’s Finals Week boys and girls! The only week they have the sense to condense the show to 2 total hours, one hour for the performances and one hour for the results. (I later find out this is not true, but it’s funnier this way). Everyone seems very excited and we waste no time. Well, we waste less time.
First, of course, we hear how insecure Ricki is about her looks. Again. To add insult to injury, Carrie Ann come into her rehearsals wearing spandex for no other reason than to show us that she has a great body. Their cha-cha performance is cute, but I’m getting tired of cute. Len and Bruno say it was great, but could have been more fluid. Carrie Ann says Ricki “lived the dance.” They score a 27.
Ricki lives the dance or something like that.
Rob and Cheryl are going to waltz and Bruno shows up to make him more manly. Karrie Ann is probably pissed. Rob actually smiles during this waltz and looks a little more polished, but still reeks of a high school student learning to dance. Oh look… K Count = 1. Bruno calls him out on his footwork. Karrie Ann calls him “the male version of Cinderella who made it to the ball.” Karrie Ann ends her comments with a “wow.” Len makes an odd comparison to Pamela Anderson jogging and says it was “simply beautiful.” They also end up with a 27. K Count = 2.
Look at these bitches pretend they give a fuck.
J.R. and Karina end the first round. Len comes to visit J.R. and to help J.R. work on his hips.
Where the magic happens!
Len says Karina deserves to win. J.R, ankle is feeling much better and they perform a sexy cha-cha that seems too short to me, but maybe I was just enjoying it too much. The audience clearly agrees. Carrie Ann says he is magic but that he was dancing ahead of the music. Len points out that he did a lot of his dancing on his own, which was brave, but says it wasn’t that good. Bruno says he set a perfect tone, comparing it to a sultry night in Havana. J.R. admits that he knew he wasn’t perfectly on the beat. They score a 24.
Yeah... sultry is one way to put it.
Now we begin the freestyle round. In the preparation for the freestyle, Ricki tells Derek she’s up for anything and immediately follows it with a “no fucking way” when he suggests a lift. We start their routine with Ricki breaking through a large picture of herself a la The Biggest Loser.
Did anyone notice that Ricki has lost weight?
We get it. She’s lost weight and we should vote for her so she doesn’t binge on ho-hos after the show. Can we get to the non-exploitative part of the dancing, please? Truthfully, though, her outfit doesn’t really show off the weight she’s lost. Derek strips off part of his costume. I’m going to agree with many of the comments over the past few weeks that Ricki mainly poses while Derek dances. Len says it was fun and entertaining. Bruno applauds her “explosive coming out” and points out a few flaws. Carrie Ann loved it, too. Their freestyle score is a 27, bringing their total to 54.
Rob and Cheryl’s freestyle is next and, of course, includes some booty-shaking. Karrie Ann is so excited she nearly orgasms and we see the Kardashians twice more, for a K Count of 4. Bruno likes it, Karrie Ann was “blown away” and Len says he made his family proud. They get their first perfect score and are super thrilled with their total of 57. Oh and another Kardashian shot. K Count = 5.
A glimpse at the schoolboy awkwardness.
Okay, so I was excited the performance show was only one hour, but now it is made clear that the results show is two hours and there is more dancing, I guess? I haven’t watched this show since the second season, so things have changed. I’m a little disappointed that I’ll have to watch two more hours, but I suppose I’ll suffer through.
The final freestyle is J.R. and Karina and she wants to do some complicated lifts. J.R. is concerned that he could hurt her, so they rework the routine a little. They do a lift that still looks a little off, but it seems to be her error, so I’m hoping it doesn’t count against him. They kick some serious tail and J.R. is pretty proud of himself. Carrie Ann is so excited by the dance that she gets up and shakes her thing, taking a page from Bruno’s book. She says those were the sickest lifts she’s ever seen. Len says it revealed J.R.’s talent and Bruno calls it a “jungle tribal hypnotic experience.” They score a perfect 30 and bring their score to a 54, tying Ricki and Derek.
Keep that volcano crotch away from me!
We start with a group dance in which the entire cast is reintroduced including the “stars” you had completely forgotten about like George Clooney’s ex and Not-Shakira. We get to relive last night’s performances and see more Kardashians. K Count = 6. Now Lady Antebellum is going to perform. Can we please just get on with this?
The finalists get to pick their favorite dance in effort to better their original score. Ricki and Derek decide to do their Psycho tango again. Len said he liked it the first time, but now he loved it. Bruno talks about drama and tension. Carrie Ann says it was dramatic and passionate and beyond perfect.
Rob and Cheryl are going to foxtrot and Rob makes the claim that he “is the finals.” I’m not sure what that means or if I even care. Rob has improved, but he still looks like an eager schoolboy to me and that wasn’t sexy when I was an eager schoolgirl. We are treated to not 1, but 3 shots of the Kardashian ladies bringing out K Count to 9. They all thought it was great and Len says Rob has grown. K count = 10.
It was better. I can admit that.
J.R. and Karina decide to do the Jive and make it less of a Lindy and take out the lift. They only got a 22 on it before and want to fix that and improve their score. They play with the audience and are truly entertaining. Len takes this opportunity to compliment the band and singers. Carrie Ann says she missed the lift. Len and Bruno said it was fun and energetic. Round three is now complete and they are ranked from first to last Ricki, J.R., and Rob. Their totals are 84, 82, and 83 respectively.
Just a tease... no lift this time.
We now get to experience some judges’ uncut moments in which we see Carrie Ann write in her diary about how much she loves Rob and Bruno marvels at how hot he (Bruno) was as a young dancer.
Dear Diary, Rob is so dreamy.
Now we will find out which of the three finalists are not actually finalists and then there will be more dancing. I’m thinking it might be Ricki. Although she has been at the top the whole time, I think she might not be enough of an audience favorite. I was right. Holy crap. How often does that happen? I think J.R. really should win, but Rob may have enough support despite the fact that there is actually a petition to keep the Kardashians off T.V. It currently has 165,807 signatures. Go here to sign! http://www.gopetition.com/petitions/no-more-kardashian/sign.html#se
So the final showdown is between J.R. and Rob. There is some dramatic rehashing and then they will dance an instant Samba. As they get a bit of a chance to prepare, which actually makes it a not-so-instant Samba, we are treated to a rehashing of the entire season. Yawn. K count = 11. Now we get to see some of the cut dancers dance and we’re reminded why they didn’t last too long. This goes on for a while. A long while. The highlight is Carson performing to “Vogue.” Then Chaz, Lacey, and Lacey’s dad dance to a song about liking “them chunky.” So if you call Chaz lovable like a penguin, that’s not cool, but you can flat out call him fat.
Ron is back and no better than he was the first time, but at least the outfit isn't as terrible.
Not-Shakira saves a horse.
Chynna redeems herself.
Carson is fabulous as always.
Chunky. Need I say more?
Why did they have to start this at 9 rather than 8. I’m so over this show right now and now we get to hear Lady Antebellum perform again. I am struck by how awkward Hillary’s voice sounds “live” and her pronunciations sound really Southern and not in a good way. Hey, there’s Chelsie Hightower! I’m really hoping she’s back on next season so I might consider doing this show again.
Now we watch Hope and Maks dance and although she’s smiling, I really don’t think she gives a crap. At least she didn’t redo the crappy Rent dance and they don’t give either of them a chance to say anything, which is probably smart since they usually just sound like assholes.
FINALLY, the instant dance begins. I thought J.R. and Karina would nail this, but they seem to be dancing a little slow for the music. Plus, we know how the judges love Rob’s hips. Rob might actually win this. I so don’t want it to be true. Len gives them a standing ovation. Bruno says people eat the party from J.R.’s hand and Rob knows how to shake his bon-bon. Karrie Ann says they are both winners… blah blah blah
Tom makes small talk with the former contestants and there is some awkward banter. The judges give J.R. and Karina a perfect 30 out of 30 and their total for the week is 112. Rob and Cheryl also get a 30 and their total is 113. So who got more call-in votes? We will find out after some commercials.
Awkward banter with Nancy Grace.
Rob has shown a lot of improvement. J.R. has inspired. The winners are … J.R. and Karina. I’m happy and my guess is that most of the audience is, too. He’s decidedly humble and tells Karina how amazing she is. Cheryl says she loves Rob and they will be friends forever and they love each other.
I don't know. I like J.R., but plyaing keepaway with the trophy is knd of mean.
Overall K Count = like 60 or a million. I’m a little sad that I’ll never get to do a K count again, but I’ll get over it. So, I’ll be chilling until January, but then you can enjoy my snarky recaps of The Bachelor! Even if you don’t watch the show, read my recaps. I promise it will be entertaining.