DWTS Recap: Oh my! Was that a nipple?

Week 2 of Dancing with the Stars is upon us. Ron Artest, who apparently changed his name to Metta Worldpeace was voted out last week. Probably because changing your name to Metta Worldpeace is really pretentious. Still, they feel the need to talk about him and call him Metta Worldpeace like it’s perfectly normal and he was never actually called Ron Artest.

Hope and Maks are up first with a jive that is, frankly, uncomfortable. Maks is dressed like the douche-bag tennis pro from an 80s movie, complete with headband. Hope really couldn’t get the kicks and timing, blaming her soccer practices in the morning. Len and Bruno agree that Hope really wasn’t getting all of the kicks and flicks. The audience boos them, but they are both right. Bruno also makes a disturbing comment about her thighs being able to crack a walnut. Maks, Carrie Ann, and Bruno all make asshole comments about Hope needing to work harder and spend more time in rehearsal. Unlike some of these other “celebrities,” my girl has a job, yo? Oh, and at one point Tom walks by the audience and who should we see but Bruce and Kris Jenner. K count = 1. They score a perfectly respectable 19.

Douchebag tennis pro and the pretty girl who will later leave him for the nerdy, but lovable, John Cusack.

Kristin and Mark are next and tonight Not-Shakira will be Not-Marilyn. She really seems to have this down. Apparently, channeling celebrities who aren’t her seems to be a strength for Not-Marilyn. Who knew? Bruno talks a lot, and although I can’t always understand what the hell he was saying, he uses the phrase “twinkling with pleasure” and I throw-up a little bit. Carrie Ann echoes the thoughts of Americans everywhere when she says that Bruno scares her. Len says her dance wasn’t as good as she looks, but that it was a great improvement from last week. They score a 22, which was the best score of last week, so it’s probably safe to say that they are through to next week.

Not-Marilyn is enchanted by her partner.

My God. What is David Arquette wearing? He has got to be drinking again. He looks like a pimp dipped in gold. At least he loses the jacket and hat about halfway through the dance. Courtney and Coco are in the audience again, so we have to see them. So, Carrie Ann starts out by saying that he was a little “Carson-esque” and follow that by saying “don’t get discouraged.” Ouch.  Carson felt that bitch-slap all the way up in the balcony. I could almost hear an “oh no you didn’t.” Len says they weren’t really doing the jive and the audience boos. Bruno stands up and dances. They score an 18. During their interview, Lacey tries to look interested, but really seems more intent to getting some camera time.

He's so shiny!

Next are Elisabetta and Val. She is really stressed out and nervous and he’s kind of an asshole. She says he is treating her like shit and he says she doesn’t listen. And this is all in rehearsal. She looks lovely in a dress that really makes her look tall and thin and I think does a pretty good job with the piece. I hate her. Len says it wasn’t great, but better than last week. He ends it at that, presumably not wanting to get booed again. Bruno says the “pistons were pumping.” Carrie Ann blah blah blah. Brooke interviews them and no one understands Elisabetta. They score a 21.

She's tall and thin and lovely. We hate her.

Rob and Cheryl are next and he actually puts a whole in the wall during rehearsal. Cheryl make a comment about how it’s his first time stepping out of the Kardashian family. Forget that he’s only on the show because he’s a Kardashian. Oh hi Bruce and Kris! K count = 2. Bruno says he’s starting to blossom, but it still reminds me of when we drafted boys into the dance numbers for “Bye Bye Birdie.” All of the judges say how wonderful he is, but Carrie Anne says he was a better dancer than Kim Kardashian, but she’s not there to yell at them. They score a 21, so they’ll be back and I’m sure Kim will be, too.  And we’ll probably have to hear from her.

Carson is next and likely to be “Carsonesque.” Carson makes a crack about Chynna Phillips not having a headband like his and I love him a little more. He is clearly working his ass off in rehearsal, even if he lacks coordination. The dancing is pretty painful and Carson is, as an old Southern lady would say, going to catch flies if he doesn’t shut his mouth. Oh, there’s Bruce and Kris again. K Count = 3.  The judges commend him for putting a lot of work in, but basically, he still sucks. Len makes the comment that the worst dancers are the most fun to watch. Ouch again. They score an 18.

So Carsonesque. But don't feel bad about that.

Ricki and Derek are next and still adorable. She does well, but he honestly seems to be doing most of the work, but she moves pretty well. Len says some of the steps disturbed him a little bit, but says she did well. Bruno thrills them by saying she did the flicks and kicks correctly and liked that she sat on Derek. Ricki has lost 12 inches in 3 weeks, which is impressive. They score a 23, the highest score so far.

Just after sitting on him, Ricki tries to pull his pants off.

Chaz and Lacey are next. She is as much of an attention whore as ever, starting the piece sitting in the lap of an audience member. They so a very slow quickstep, after we hear all about how bad his knees are. Bruno says it was cute and lovely, but that the quickstep has to be fast. The judges admit they can all see that he’s in pain, but he is determined and that’s good.  The audience boos Len again and you can almost see him dying inside. Chaz and Lacey score a 17 and Lacey actually remembers for once that Chaz is the celebrity and keeps her damn mouth shut.

OMG. Chaz has taught Lacey how to shut the hell up! The world owes him. Big time.

Chynna and Tony have a jive and it’s pretty certain she will nail it. She talks to herself a lot in rehearsal and curses. She actually says, at one point, “Sorry, Jesus, I have to curse.” They really knock it out of the park, but only get a 21.  I think the judges already expect a lot of her, which is rather unfair.

Sorry, Jesus. Chynna had to wear a skimpy outfit and shake her thang.

Nancy, Tristan, and her boobs are next. Nancy takes last week’s criticism to mean that she needs to have more confidence. She shuts down during rehearsal because she can’t get the steps and Tristan storms out of rehearsal. Nancy cries and they have a moment. She is bringing confidence “and more to the dance floor.” Their quickstep seems pretty slow, too, without any excuse like bad knees. Maybe her tits, which are still rather glittery, are wearing her down. They finish their dance and… wait… was that a nipple? They cut to an obviously pre-taped audience as Tom helps Nancy get her boobs under control.  No, seriously… the right one went rogue.  There was nipple. Bruce is shown giving Nancy’s nipple a standing ovation. Len says they did a proper quickstep. Bruno says she is top heavy and it was “great to see her.” Gross. They end up with a 21. I guess the extra skin works for them.

This audience is: A) pre-taped, B) disaproving of Nancy's nipple, C) oddly mesmerized

J.R. and Karina are next. He says he is least known, but he is ultra charming in rehearsal. He says he doesn’t have many fans, but I think that’s going to change.  He is actually a really good dancer and really seems to enjoy the hell out of the dance. Bruno calls him charismatic and athletic and calls his performance the most satisfying of the night.  Carrie Ann is mad they put a lift in and Len says it was a lindy-hop rather than a jive. I don’t think it’s fair to judge him on that, though. It’s not like HE choreographed it.  Damn. They get a 22 again this week.  Honestly, they should have had the highest score of the night. I am totally rooting for J.R. now.

So, who will go home? My guess is Elisabetta or Nancy. Although Chaz did the worst, I think he has enough fans to pull him through.  I guess we shall see!  Take care, my lovelies!