DWTS Recap: Wait, This Show Is 2 Hours Long?!

****Please welcome your newest recapper to the family, T-CAKE!!

With that image from the opening titles, welcome to season 14 of Dancing With the Stars (a show I’ve never seen before and despise based sheerly on its premise)!! How on God’s green Earth has this show made it to 14 seasons!? How have I never even seen part of an episode!? And, wait, this show is 2hrs. long? Fuck my face with a razor. All these questions and more will be answered in this short (WAY TOO LONG) recap of Monday night’s episode. Starting out the episode are our hosts Male Plastic Surgery Victim and Female Plastic Surgery Victim. You’d think with such generic names I would have heard of them. OMG THEY’RE IN A FUCKING BALLROOM. I don’t really know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this. It looks like Liberace threw up, and Elton John made that throw up into glasses, which he wore on the night that this show’s set designer went to his first gay concert. The hosts get right down to business (no doubt so we don’t get a chance to see that they are animatronic) by introducing the “stars.” First up we have Maria Menounos and Derek Hough. Who are they? Where are her clothes? And Hough cute is Derek Hough?

I want you, too, Derek. But ours is a secret love that no one shall know about. Unless they have internet access.

Next up is Jack Wagner and Anna Trebunskaya. I vaguely remember Jack Wagner. But I thought he was dead. I’m probably right. Anna is marrionetting his corpse down those stairs. They’re followed by Superbowl legend (?) Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd. Where to start? A)I don’t know which one is which. B)Heavens to Murgatroyd! C)That man has a face for radio and he’s wearing his pants like a grandma. Next Gavin DeGraw and Karina Smirnoff. His name definitely sounds familiar. He might be the biggest “star” on the show. And it wooks wike daddy wet him bowwow his coat. And he borrowed daddy’s hat from when daddy was into Mighty Mighty Bosstones. Next is Roshon (hip, black, Disney kid) and Chelsie, followed by Sherri and Val (again, which one is which?). Then we come to Melissa Gilbert and “Maks”.

Maks has his shirt open. Melissa Gilbert was on Little House On the Prarie back in the late 1800s and yet here she is being paraded around by this chunk of beef. Why is any of this happening!?! Next is William “Too-Poor-For-Sleeves” Levy and Cheryl Burke; Martina Navartalova (who happens to be elderly) (not that there’s anything wrong with that) (good for her) (I can only hope to be in her kind of shape when I’m that age) and Tony (who’s dressed for prom in his bow tie and cummerbund).

There are way too many people on this show! Are they all going to dance-fight at the same time? Because if so, Martina is going down. 

Next is Jaleel White and Kym (her parents wanted a stripper; they must be so disappointed). Jaleel White was Urkle, I’m ashamed to admit I remember. Next is Katherine and Mark. Then. WHAT!?! Gladys Knight!? No way! Looks like she’s on that Midnight Train to Shittowne. Hey, they have a live band! That is fairly awesome. Kudos. Before the dancing even starts, we learn that no one will be going home tonight! Bring. A. Book. SNORESville. 

FINALLY SOME DANCING: Maria&Derek: Maria laughs like a drunken hyena. And Derek wants to wrestle with her. Then they pull out a pretty feisty ChaChaCha:

  The Judges do their thing: Elder Gentlemanly Judge says that Maria was great, but she needs to work her hips a little more. Later he scores them a 7. Then there’s this guy: Bruno starts with that face, and only gets creepier and grosser from there. He does say her hand placement is good and that she’s got it, but that she needs to open up her “sex box.” When Derek tries to flirtatiously say he’ll help her work on it, it’s not quite believable. Because the whole rest of the time he’s been giggling like a school girl with his back arched and a hand on his hip. MMMMmmmm HHmmmm. Later Bruno scores them a 7. Lady Judge says that Maria did a great job but that she needs to work on not only creating beautiful poses but moving between them and making them feel connected. She also has a GREAT wig. She gives them a 7 also for a total of 21.

(Also you can vote on them? What does the voting do? I’m confused.)

 

NEXT UP: Jack Wagner and Anna. Wagner thinks he still makes the cover of Tiger Beat. Anna is sex on a stick, Crazy-Russian-style. They do a very 50′s inspired Foxtrot: Bruno loved it. I guess he didn’t see Wagner’s dangling arms. “Week one?” he says “What you gonna do week two?”  To which Anna replies in a Crazy-Russian way “Ooooooo. You just wait!” Later he scores them an 8! Lady Judge loved it too! Although most of her feedback was talking about how the song took her to a happy place: Like she was high. I can’t believe these people aren’t critiquing him! She also scores them an 8! Finally Gentlemanly Judge reads him the riot act! YES! “Poor technique” “Footwork is haphazard” “Posture’s over the top” THANK YOU!  All that and still he gives them a damned 7!! WTF kind of scoring is this?!?!?   They get a 23.  

NEXT IT’S: Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd (they just now made a ‘heavens to Mergatroyd’ joke. I beat them by about 12 min.) No joking, in the interview all Donald can talk about is balls. Footballs and now the mirrored ball trophy. Peta went home first last year so she has something to prove. I swear the announcer calls him Jungle Driver when he announces what must be the sexiest, funkiest ChaChaCha I’ve ever seen:

The crowd loses their shit. After a 20 minute celebration of sexiness. Lady Judge says that Donald oozes charisma and  but there wasn’t a whole lot of ChaCha in there. Duh. He was basically disco dancing. Later she gives them a 7. Gentlemanly judge liked his attitude and attack (what is this runway walking?), but that this strong gyrating made him lose time to the music. Gentlemanly judge thinks this could be a concern next week when they do a Quickstep. He’ll give them a 7. Bruno gets all crazy saying basically that Donald was the territorial cock of the walk. And that he needs to reign in his excitement/charisma with some technique next week. YET HE STILL GIVES A 7!! They get a total of 21.

(It’s like the judges have suffered very selective amnesia when they’re scoring.)

NEXT UP: Gavin Degraw and Karina Smirnoff. Gavin humblebrags about his hit song. He’s been longing to get out from behind his piano and be more vulnerable. Karina’s a returning champion from last season and wants to win again. They perform a mostly sweet, gentle Foxtrot:

Gentlemanly Judge criticizes Gavin’s lack of fluidity and awkward stiffness. Later he’ll give them a 6. Bruno likes Gavin’s charm and gentle quality, but agrees with Gentlemanly Judge about lack of fluidity. Just for fun he throws in a boner joke relating to Gavin “stiffening up in the wrong places.” It’s good to laugh. Gavin takes it further, much to Karina’s visible discomfort. I wonder how much longer Karina will be willing to dance with him. Bruno will score them a hard 7 (See what I did there? Get it? Hard? Like a boner?).  Lady Judge blushes about the boner joke before complimenting Gavin’s gentleness, but critiques his awkward hyper-extended arms. She gives them a 7. They get a total of 20.

 

FOLLOWING THAT: Roshon and Chelsie! Roshon is practiced in his goofiness and awkward in a “I’m trying to be a hip, young, black kid, but I don’t want to alienate any white people” way. Chelsie is all business, having to reign him in constantly from his “freestyle hip-hop” dancing. They dance a very Michael Jackson-influenced ChaCha (He even throws in a moonwalk near the end!):

Bruno starts out with an awkward sassy black woman’s “You can go on, and on, and on!” but he left out the “Girlfriend!” Bruno loved how sharp Roshon “cut the beat.” Later he gives them an 8. Lady Judge thought it was the most interesting spin on a Chacha she’s ever seen. She liked Roshon’s “flava”. She’ll give them an 8. Gentlemanly Judge appreciated his general dancing ability but wanted more Cha cha in his Cha cha and less Hip-Hop. He scores a 7. Giving a total of 23.

OUR NEXT VICTIMS ARE: Sherri Shepherd (form the View) and Val. Sherri is out to prove that she’s more than just the crass woman from the view. She’s hiding elegance somewhere inside her. Val is insecure about being under his older brother, Maks’ shadow. Sherri has to be my favorite “star” on the show! She’s very vocal about… EVERYTHING. In rehearsal Val teaches her how to stand by having her grab his butt, much to her excitement:

They dance a slow but energetic Cha Cha. I almost called it a jaw-dropping Cha Cha because Sherri never closes her mouth:

Lady Judge smile/yells that Sherri “is the happiest contestant” they’ve ever had. If you got to grab Val’s butt, you’d be happy too. Lady Judge loved Sherri’s transitions from sassy to elegant, but felt there were a few times where she wasn’t sure of what was next. Later she’ll give them an 8. Gentlemanly judge sums up their dance as “Fun, fun, fun.” He’ll give them a 7. Bruno says Sherri shared the joy of dance and makes sure to mention that she was “light on her feet” (I’m guessing “despite being a large woman” was the implication in that comment). He scores them an 8. Before getting scored Sherri shares that other than birthing her child, this is the hardest thing she’s ever done. And that she might have lost a boob on stage. “Somebody give it back!” Have I mentioned that she’s my favorite? They get a total of 23, tying them with 1st place.   Sherri’s response? A sassy “JESUS IS GOOD!!”

Oh so our votes help them avoid elimination next week! Got it. Now it makes more sense.

Laura Engles (Melissa Gilbert) is up next with Val’s older brother, MAKS! Laura has been through Hell and back (broken marriage, broken back) and wants to torture herself more by doing DWTS. Is she vying for gay-icon status? Good for her. Also she’s the image I captured from the opening credits that I adore. Staying on theme, in rehearsal Maks constantly tells her how much she sucks. “There’s no ChaCha on the prairie, dood.” is her sassy response. They pull out an open-shirt, cougarliscious Cha Cha Cha:

Gentleman wants more shape in her free arms, and more hip, but that she dealt well with a difficult syncopated routine. Later he scores them a 6.    Bruno yells “It was the attack of the woman in black!” Ironically he goes on to say that she given it too much power. You mean the same way you give every critique?  Bruno goes on to give them a  7.  Lady Judge appreciates the potential, but that maybe Laura Engalls was nervous and that this program was difficult. She scores them a 7.   For a total score of 20.

 

ALL THE LADIES IN THE CROWD WET THEIR PANTIES OVER: “The Mexican Brad Pitt” (who is actually form Cuba), William Levy. Sexy. Spicy. His partner is Sheyrl Burke, who is all about results. In rehearsal we learn that he’s starting a week later than everyone else. And that’s before we see what a mess he is in those shoes. He can barely stand, let alone dance. But I don’t even care. I could watch him rehearse in these sweat pants all day:

They pull out a sleeveless, clunky, but sexy ChaChaCha:

Bruno is all worked up after that, yelling “DWTS presents it’s hottest package of the season.” Package being the operative word.  He goes on to say that William is wearing too much clothing! Later on he gives them an 8.  Classy Lady Judge is super-embarrassed, but also in lust, so she thanks ABC (and probably God) for her job. She loves the way he moves. She scores him an 8 also. Gentlemanly Judge says he performed it “right on the edge” but still in control, which is a hard thing to do. He’ll give them an 8 too!! For a top score so far of 24!!  ARE THESE PEOPLE BLIND?!?! Yes, he’s hot. And yes, I will watch him grind up on ANYTHING. But he cannot dance! He’s clunky and clearly inexperienced in technique. Le sigh.

 

HOW DO YOU FOLLOW THEM? With Martina Narvatalova and her partner Tony. Martina is a breast cancer survivor and a huge-biscep-owner, so she has no fear. Tony does though because Martina isn’t the most ladylike lady. I’ll just say it, she moves like a linebacker. They dance up a mannish foxtrot:

Lady Judge compliments her transformation, but asks her to work on her turns. She goes on to give them 7.  Gentlemanly Judge says it was a little too careful, that she needs to approach it like she does tennis. He’ll go on to give them a 6. Bruno, like Lady Judge, compliments her elegance and tells her she needs to work on her extensions. He goes on to say she needs to improve her footwork. He scores them a 7. They gain a total of 20.

 

EASILY SHOWING THEM UP: Katherine Jenkins, a “crossover classical” singer, with hits in the UK and Mark. Basically she just wants to introduce herself to the US. This show is a publicity stunt. They bring out a very flowy, flowery foxtrot:

Gentlemanly Judge likes the musicality and subtle changes, but has some issues with her posture. He gives them an 8.  Bruno says it was exquisite, and that she’s set the bar very high for herself. He gives them a 9. Lady Judge comments on the silentness of the audience during their performance, and that it was because their performance was so breathtaking. She scores them a 9. Overall score of 26 which puts them in the lead! Unfortunately for me there’s really nothing funny about their piece.

 

FOLLOWING THEM: GLADYS FUCKING KNIGHT! Oh and there’s some guy there too. Adorably, Gladys reminisces about going to The Pips’ rehearsals and learning all the moves, but they never let her dance. Well tonight, she says, “I’m gonna dance like a PIMP PIP!” Go on, Miss Gladys. Her partner, with the sexy Irish accent is Tristan, the self-proclaimed “Hot One from DWTS.” Okay gurl. Calm down.  They serve up a “Mother-of-the-Bride dancing with the Gay Groomsman” Cha Cha:

The audience loves it, applauding for a few minutes. Bruno yells that the “legend has got the moves.” He’ll score them an 8.   Lady Judge says it made her want to get up and dance, losing her mind in the process, as she beats on the judges table. She gives them a 8. Gentlemanly Judge says Gladys’ dancing wasn’t forced, but oozed rhythm. He will score them a 7.  They get a total of 23.

Adorable Tristan says of dancing with Gladys “Me ma’ is bleedin’ delighted.” Delish.

FINALLY WE GET TO THE LAST TWO: STEVE URKLE!!! and his partner Kym. I refuse to call him Jaleel. They immediately insert a “Did I do that?” Ugh. Get me out of here. Kym is pissed that Karina took the Mirrored Ball out out of her hands last year and wants it back! SNATCH IT, GURL! I love when girls fight over balls. (I apologize for that terrible non-joke, joke) (I’m usually more classy than that)(AND I FUCKIN’ LOVE ME SOME PARENTHESES!!) They bring out a classy Foxtrot:Lady Judge thinks that Urkle is the icing on the cake. And that he’s smooooooooooth.  She goes on to give them a 9. Gentlemanly Judge liked it, but didn’t specifically say anything about it, preferring to comment that this is the best, first night of any season. Maybe that’s why the ratings are so low. Later he scores them as an 8.   Bruno thought he was watching the late-great Gregory Hines. AGAIN WITH THE BLINDNESS. He gives them a 9. Giving them a total of 26.

In an interview about how he feels about their score, Jaleel flashes back to his post-Urkle, Pre-DWTS days saying “I feel like someone shot me up with something.” It’s called Heroin. Although I bet he called it “Her’on” back in the day.

They wrap up by recapping the night’s performances and telling us that Katherine & Mark and Jaleel & Kym are tied for first. They finish up by reminding us that someone will be going home next week. OMG THAT MEANS WE HAVE TO WATCH THIS SHOW AGAIN! Luckily, my co-recapper Canned Ginger will be covering the next episode, so we can read her recap instead of suffering through watching the actual episode. You lucky sons of bitches.