DWTS Recap Week 6: This is my show, bitches.

Week six is upon us.  Broadway week is sure to bring all the drama we can handle and more Kardashians than you can shake a stick at.  In fact, Tom is standing right next to them, so even before the number from “Sister Act” starts, we begin the Kardashian count.

The theme of Rob’s segment is questioning his manhood, which is interesting, since we questioned Chaz’s manhood in the first week and Carson’s manhood throughout.  His mommy even shows up in the rehearsals and tells him to man up.  K Count = 2.  The number is stiff and weak.  Honestly, he looks like the actors from “Glee” when they pretend they don’t know how to dance.  His sisters are in the audience again and cannot keep their damn mouths shut.  No wonder the boy has a complex.  Karrie Ann Kardashian loved it and gives them a 15 or something.  By this point, the K Count is up to 11. And that’s not counting the piercing screams from his sisters in a desperate attempt to get more airtime.

Manly or no?

Tristan and Nancy dance to a song from Spamalot and there is just something so wrong about the whole thing.  My husband says she hops like an oompa-loompa (referring to the bell kick that barely cleared the dancefloor) and leaves the room, saying that he has hit his threshold for oompa-loompa dancing: a threshold he wasn’t even aware he had. Tom says it was fun and Tristan sticks his tongue out of the side of his mouth again.  The judges all agreed it had a lot of personality and Len calls her on the hold.  The audience boos him, but he just looks annoyed.  Carrie Ann has been smoking more crack and gives them a 9.  A 9?  Is she sleeping with Tristan now?  They wind up with a 24.

Oompa-Loompa kick.

Tristan sticks his tongue out a lot, don't you think?

David and Kym are next and the choreography seems a little slow for the music.  Kym looks like she was in Grease.  Or at least Grease 2.  You know, the not good one where Michelle Pfeiffer wore a Christmas tree costume.  David looks a little lost for most of the piece, but his daughter loved it.   Carrie Ann says it was great, but they were out of sync.  Len says something really British and David doesn’t seem to understand it.  Bruno compares him to a frisky teenager.  David does a John Travolta impression and the mind boggles at a “star” pretending to be an actual star.  They wind up with a 23.

David shocks even himself.

We are treated to a replay of Ricki and Derek’s 80s piece and she really wants to nail her quickstep this week.  She looks fantastic in a golden ball gown.   They pause by some Kardashians and the K count is up to 12. Len compliments her movement and steps.  Bruno thought the style and choreography were fantastic.  Carrie Ann loved it.  At this point, I’m wondering if there is anything she doesn’t love.  It was really solid and Derek is an excellent choreographer, but Carrie Ann has been drinking some happy juice.  They score a 29 and that will be difficult to beat, even for J.R. and Karina.

Ricki, Derek, and Kardashians.

Chaz and Lacey are still here, so they will tango to Phantom of the Opera.  Cher apparently took Chaz to see Phantom a lot as a kid, so he is very familiar with the music.  Chaz appears to be losing weight, but don’t worry, Lacey seems to have found it.  She starts out lying on top of an organ and he’s wearing a phantom mask.  It’s… well… it’s over.  Bruno says it wasn’t menacing enough and Carrie Ann agrees somewhat.  There wasn’t enough content for this week and Len commends him for trying, which is kind of like getting a trophy for participation.  There has to be a point when fans are not enough. They get a 19 and are disappointed.

The least menacing Phantom ever.

Hope and Maks are dancing to Rent.  I called that the second I saw the scarf.  I didn’t think they’d be nice enough to let them tango to “Tango Maureen” and I’m right.  They are doing a rumba and Maks says that everyone has lost faith in her but him… and the rebel alliance.  Really?  A rumba to “Seasons of Love?”  This couldn’t be more stiff and less sexy if it tried.  Carrie Ann sees how hard she’s trying.  Len says he has not lost faith in her, but the boots wrecked her movement and that this was her worst dance of the season.  I have to agree.  Len tells Maks the fault is at least half his.  Maks gets mouthy and Carrie Ann says he’s being disrespectful and I’m thinking this might be his last season with the show.  Bruno stands up while talking and Tom sends them away.  They get a 20 and Maks gets seriously bitchy and makes everyone uncomfortable.  He says this is “my show. I helped make it what it is.”  The stars and dancers behind him during this tirade look REALLY uncomfortable.  I predict that not only will Hope go home this week, but also that Maks will be looking for a job next season.

Maks takes credit for everything and Derek face-palms immediately after this shot.

J.R. and Karina have the quickstep and both J.R. and Ricki are very aware that they are the top two couples and will probably face each other in the finale.  They quickstep to music from “Chicago” and do I even need to say that they kill it?  I do think that he occasionally thinks too much when he’s dancing and forgets to smile, but no one is going to pick on that. Len says he did the best quickstep he’s seen on the show.  Bruno stands up and yells some stuff and Carrie Ann gives them a Tony.  They tie Ricki and Derek with a 29.

So good that it's boring.

Kristin Chenoweth does a Broadway medley, which is awesome and then it’s time for the group dance.  Carson is back to help style this.  I don’t really get why there is a group dance, other than to make it plain how big the difference between the professionals and the stars actually is.  Wow, the lift that Ricki Lake did was painful to watch.  Len thought it was a fitting tribute to Broadway.  Bruno shakes his hips and yells.  Carrie Ann loves everyone.

The lowest scores of the night go to Chaz and Lacey and Hope and Maks.  Hopefully, one of them will go home rather that someone who deserves to stay.  After Maks’ bullshit, I’m thinking it will be him, but it is glaringly obvious that Chaz is out of his league here, so it may, finally, be time to say goodbye to Chaz and his attention-whore partner.

RESULTS SHOW:

Brooke makes some truly awful Broadway puns and we see an encore of J.R. and Karina’s quickstep.  We see a little behind the scenes footage which illustrates the playfulness of their partnership.  They are safe.

Kristin Chenoweth sings a song from her new country album and as much as I adore her, I fast-forward.  The fewer couples, the more filler, it seems.  We see footage for Ricki and Derek and Nancy and Tristan, who are all safe.  The best part is the look on Len’s face when Carrie Ann gives Nancy and Tristan a 9.

Bitch, please.

There is more singing and dancing with some guy from High School Musical who I’d probably recognize if I had older kids, but I just can’t be bothered to care right now.  Martina McBride sings in a dress that is not especially flattering.  Chelsie Hightower and Val dance and I mourn the fact that she isn’t on this season.  You guys don’t know this about me, but I’m a big So You Think You Can Dance fan and Chelsie was a favorite of mine.  I don’t know how Lacey made the cut this season and she didn’t.  Boo.

The best part of the night.

Speaking of Lacey, Chaz is offended that Bruno called him a penguin.  I’m over Chaz and his story.  No one is rooting against him because he’s an overweight man versus an overweight woman as he implies.  He just can’t dance.  I’m sorry, sugar-britches, but that’s the way it is.  David and Kym are safe.  Lacey and Chaz are not.

Chaz doesn't like being called cuddly, yet doesn't seem to mind Lacey patting his belly repeatedly. Mixed signals? I think so!

Lacey and Mark dance with a bunch of kids to the most non-enthusiastic version of “This is Halloween” ever.  I can just imagine Danny Elfman screaming in terror.  The kids are cute, but I only get about halfway through before I fast-forward.

Rob and Cheryl and Hope and Maks are next.  Cheryl says Rob has a lot of fans.  Really?  Hope stands by her man in a way that can only be described as delusional.  Maks wants to clarify and apologize for saying it is his show.  Way to backpedal there.  So we get to see some edited-out footage which includes Rob trying to talk into a prop microphone and banging Cheryl’s head on the floor.  We also get to see more of Maks’ diatribe which includes Maks telling Len maybe he should get out of the business and the judges being pissed at his statements.  Hope makes an asinine comment about her “not being a dancer and starting behind a lot of these people” who, last time I checked, were not dancers either.  The two of them are bitchy and ungrateful and I’m done with them.  If they make it through this week, I don’t think they will last much longer.  Rob and Cheryl will be back next week.  Hope and Maks… maybe not so much.

Either Chaz or Hope have danced their last dance and truthfully, I don’t care which of them goes home because I am relatively certain the other will be next.  So Chaz’s fans are not enough to pull them through this time and Chaz says it was a great journey despite his little bitch session we saw earlier, but he says he has no regrets and he wanted to show America “a different kind of man.”  Lacey screams and cheers a lot and gets in a final belly pat.

Well, next week is a Halloween themed episode.  I’m already cringing.  Til then, my lovelies.