DWTS Results: Dead Eyes in the Water

What a crazy week! The leaderboard was ROCKED I tell ya! Get it? Well, Tom thought it was hilarious. Without further adieu, let’s get on with this week’s DWTS Results PicCap! First, we’ll find out how the stars felt about rock night.

I brought out every chin I own last night. I honestly don’t know what else I could’ve done.

The invisible Levi is so much more reliable after you make out with him and get pregnant.

Alright Bristol. You’re on stage now. Let invisible Levi go already. You’re embarrassing your mother.

I don’t think he likes the nickname Cute, cuz he’s doing everything in his power to erase it tonight.

EW. Please don’t make that face.

That performance was hairier than my butt crack. Sorry.

Invoking Satan is a little harsh, but you’re the judges.


Feel? What do I feel? PAIN that’s what. Searing, burning, cramping, horrible hideous pain everywhere. In my feet, in my ankles, in my neck, in my back, in my face even I feel it. So fuck you. Go ask someone else how they fucking feel. But YAY dancing! I can’t wait to DAAAANCE!

OW!


F! MY ANKLE!


Godblammit!


Wholebodywholebodywholebodywholebody

And….dead.


That sucked harder than the dimples on my butt cheeks suck a plastic chair in the middle of July.

That hurt.

Thank you, invisible Levi. That does make me feel better.

My fauxhawk agrees with you, Jennifer. You were a disgrace. But don’t feel bad that you were terrible and ruined a perfectly good dance. Now let’s go to commercial so I can go verbally abuse Brooke for old time’s sake. It’s not your fault that this was all your fault.

Can’t…breathe…

Kurt’s safe! Bristol’s safe!

Why that wascally wabbit…


I didn’t give you permission to go hug people.
Ow my ribs.

 

Jennifer! You’re still in jeopardy!

Ow my head.

I’d like to see Bristol dance again! If only to catch a glimpse of that invisible young man she made out with. Have you seen him in Playgirl? I didn’t buy it. A picture was sent to me in the email box thing. Just dance already! Go Levis!

Floss your butt later, please.

Yeehaw! Take something off, invisible Levi!

I love you so hard right now.

Like…a lot.


OK seriously get off me now.

 

Next, Kyle Minogue! Who’s not really rock, but ok. You should leave anyone with that much Aqua Net on their head alone. All they need is one match to become a weapon of mass destruction.

Chola wanna cracker?

That you fart on accident. Try to force one outside before you board. Brought to you by: Everyone Else on the Train Inc

Great. Next time I’m there I’ll ask you five hundred times when you’re gonna get a real job, get married, and lose eighty pounds. Assholes.

This guy’s butt has a credit card machine. Hookers have found the future!

And now let’s welcome Heart!

Badhairracuda

Interesting song choice. I guess the real shock is that they didn’t force her to literally sing Sarahcuda. They didn’t want the audience to boo.

I don’t know why I’m thinking about this right now, but Roseanne was like the best show of all time.


Are there dancers who refuse to do vag shots?

So, Gary Coleman Randy Jackson Jr, do you think Len has grown a soft spot for you?

Yeah. I’ve been trying to grow him a hard spot, but at his age it’s difficult. I do the helicopter on him for hours and…


I should probably stop talking about this before I pitch a tent.

Try as they may, they can’t outrun their hideous outfits. Take em off and throw em in the fire behind you!

I nayver seen fate peepoles run like datz! Way to geo! Pizza pie farfalle garleec steek!


Girl you look like one fine ass hooker crow. Let’s go back to my dressing room and I’ll give you a little somethin somethin like daaaamn!

HELP

This poor guy’s got about ten years before he turns into Lena Horne. Age: The Great Equalizer

Why does every outfit they give me have to squeeze my nuts? EVERY SINGLE ONE.


Stop hitting them repeatedly! I want to have Dusku/Lena Horne babies one day!


I warned you to stay. Off. My. NUTZ!


Datta makea my cheeses boobly! Tower of pizzapiea pepperoni timea!


This commercial is supposed to make us feel guilty for relying on our phones for human interaction? They don’t talk back to you, they don’t steal from your wallet before they leave, and they don’t smell in the morning. I’ll keep my phone, thanks. Humans suck.

Windows Phones: Not as fun as other phones so you won’t waste your life away. Yay mediocrity! Whoever came up with this ad needs a raise.

Video chat: so you don’t have to wait til Christmas to be reminded how obnoxious your brother’s family is.


In all fairness, they were homely and crosseyed, which was hurting business.


Be mad at whoever beat you with the ugly stick. I’m voting Fiorina!


Coming up at 11, our country’s in the shitter! Also, muggings, rape, car jackings and cute puppies.

 

Rick is safe! Gary Coleman Randy Jackson is in Jeopardy! The audience boos, which means Sarah Palin must have snuck in to watch a bit. Let’s ask real rock stars what it’s like to be amazing!

Once you get past the oozing sores it’s pretty fun. I can afford hair from corn stalks shipped in from the midwest. SUCCESS.

Have you ever pooped out a chicken head whole? Then you’re not a rock star. Hemorrhoids? Yes. Millions of dollars? Also yes. I just deal with the pain and carry around a little blow up cushion to sit on.

People have always screamed when they looked at me, so I figured at least I’d go rock and make it seem normal. If I were a cashier at Target or something the horrified looks on people’s faces would probably hurt my feelings.

You guys, these guys talk like they are watching this show. Which is hilarious. Rock star by day…

…by night.

 

Now for the Macy’s pays the bills number! It’s a super special one, which means there will be one thousand vag shots.

Even the boys have to do vag shots.

She’s dilating. Call the doctor.


Two in one! Most creative move yet.


Nothing says rock like ripping off the opening of Newsies.


You gotta give this guy credit. Not many people would say to themselves “I look like a young Carrot Top. I’m moving to Hollywood!”

At the end of the day, we’re all the same. That’s actually a good lesson to learn. Unfortunately it had to come from a cast vag shot. And people complain about Jersey Shore.

Alright Martha. Your turn.

Traffic sucks up a quarter of your life. Get used to it, brats. Next in the lineup, a toy that let’s you pay your bills online.

Unless Jeff Gillooly is there with a tire iron, no thanks.

And now, Kylie Minogue!

Dear Kylie, Thank you so much for making me look like a decent singer. Love, Gwenn Stefani


Forget what I said before. Best number of the night.

Vogueing is older than this guy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Sit on my lap and I’ll tell you a story.


Take your gay to work day.

I think Tom did something to anger that guy.


So, Ole Dead Eyes, show us your most emotional facial expression.

You’ve got the personality of a white wall.

Waaaah! I’m feeling things! Can you tell?


Jeeze. Isn’t it enough we have to hear this skinny biatch sing ten times a week on Glee? Get off my TV!

My favorite things: me me me me me me me me me ephedra me.

That should be a Christmas card.

Welcome back to coach a special episode for next week, Lisa Ling!


That’s racist.


Do you regret leaving The View?

So, dancers, how are you feeling at this point in the competition?

OW.


OUCH.


I hurt so bad my face is fading away.


This show makes me wanna drive with my eyes closed.


Not sure, but I think she’s throwing a temper tantrum right now.


This show makes me hungry for hooker crows.


This sucks and it’s boring. On the other hand, I’m too tired to f so it’s doing wonders for my abstinence campaign.

I got tricked into showing my flesh tassels on national TV. How do you think I feel?

Brandy is safe! Pedestrians are in jeopardy! Ole Dead Eyes is not safe! Gary Coleman Randy Jackson is safe! Dead Eyes is OUT! AWWW! Poor girl! She’s worked so hard at making it in this busin…sorry I can’t even fake that one. Let’s see what her mom thinks about all this!

Please cast this woman immediately.