DWTS Results: Flesh Tassels

Welcome to another Dancing With the Stars Results PicCap! We’ve lost two A listers. A stands for A hole in case you were confused. Let’s go!

Last night was story night! Yay fairy tales!

Chicken Wattle: The sky is falling! And this old guy is mouth raping me!

Ho White and the Seven Asses

The Whorecerer’s Chunkprentice

Gayladdin

The Little MerDeadEyesmaid

Little Red Ridinghag

Through the Hooking Ass

 

Brooke needs some tighter clothes. She looks like a funeral sausage.

I’m sorry for your loss. Eat me.

 

Len wants to see Sitch dance again cuz it was weird. Good enough for me!

Karina tries to blast off all the germs before dancing with the Sitch. Who can blame her?


Blind Douche

Seeing Douche

Another slow prance. Did you learn nothing from Dolton?

Someone’s forehead is gonna get pregnant. With herpes.

That was painful and bizarre to me. It deserves a standing d’oh.

Time Machine joke!

NOT FUNNY

To prepare for the week’s dance, Maks got sick of Brandy’s shit and started physically abusing her in rehearsal.

It’s never ok to cheer for a man hitting a woman.


I’m only cheering because I found out today is Tuesday and I really like Tuesdays.


What do we do when we’re in cars, heifer? WHAT DO WE DO?!?!

We watch the road! WAAAAHHHHH!

I don’t condone abusive teaching, but it got Brandy to stop opening her raging biatch of a mouth for few minutes so well done, Mister!

Brandy, the judges fear you might make spousal abuse seem ok again. What do you have to say to that?

If it ain’t broke, let your man break it and then fix it for you.


Uh….that doesn’t make sense I don’t think.

30 Schlock


So, Derek, my neck’s been hurting really bad and OW! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Jennifer Grey talks about making a mistake and what it’s like to have one boob and one mini me boob.

Yeah…don’t do that.

Look, you’re a really handsome man. But if you look like you’re wearing flesh tassels you should keep your shirt buttoned. Call me.

The boob tassel performance was dedicated to you guys.

And girls?

Oh. Ok. I guess. No actually no that was for the guys.

YAAAAY! TYLUVUBMINE4EVR

 

Ole Dead Eyes is safe! Kurt is safe! He does a perfect SUPASTAH! He really gets the confused horror of Molly Shannon’s face.

Lacey and Gary Coleman Randy Jackson are NOT safe! Lacey? Shocked.

Please just put me out of my misery.

Susan Boyle was supposed to be here, but she got stuck in a bar somewhere hurling bottles off the balcony at innocent children. Luckily, we found someone who looks just like her!

Ne-Yo’s here! Tom says it’s his first TV appearance, but he has apparently forgotten about Ne-Yo’s work in The New Adventures of Beans Baxter and 21 Jump Street in 1987. Don’t be tryin’ to run from IMDB, buddy! Speaking of Ne-Yo, let’s check in with YoYo HAHA.

Maks drained of all color.

Oh gawd not another single. PLEASE.

We’re multitalented and smart. Just because we’re dancers doesn’t mean we can’t also be geniuses. I, for example, play the violin. Thank you for your respect.


Take somethin off!

I don’t know who’s gonna win in this music battle, but I know everyone lost the posture war.

Man, DWTS can really do a lot for your career.

Micky’s all “I had to work with that Osmand hack today. Get my agent on the phone. I’M BIGGA THAN THIS SHIIIIITTTT!”


Both of these dolls have faces sewn on by sweatshop workers. Thanks, China!

This is one of the saddest story lines on the air. The way she’s degrading maids like that. It’s shameful. Meg Whitman would totally fire her ass.


Finally! Milton Berle’s making a comeback.

Ya got time to lean, ya got time to clean, boys.

 

Let’s welcome Ne-Yo! It this was NeNe I’d be cheering right now.

Come on Asian Lady! Get off the finance page and onto my Jimmy Dean!

Seriously, just trying to read the paper. Security! Where have manners gone I ask you?

I’m outta here. Why do gay guys always feel the need to shove their dongs in my face? And PS YOU SING LIKE A GIRL.

Am I wrong to be disturbed by that?

 

OH GAWD more Donny. Wasn’t the Mickey commercial enough, producers? No. No it wasn’t. Let’s go to Las Vegas and ask people on the street stuff!

What soul! I can’t even tell which one’s Donny!

Hey! Stop manhandling the creepy guy with fake hair! I’m talking to both of you!

Do you know who I am?

The sample guy at the 99 cent store?


Get your hands off me. The only saggy ass fake haired weirdo I’m letting into my bed is the Hoff!


OMG ME TOO

Hey Marie spend some time away from the tanning booths babe.


Why do big girls always make me dream of Bruno?


Please get a smaller one so I can concentrate on my lines.


Donny Osmand is kinda a perv.


My goal weight.

 

Jennifer and her mini me boob is safe! Rick and Cheryl, you are not safe!

OMG WE WOOOON!! LET’S EAT!

No guys, you’re NOT SAFE.

Do I still get to eat?

NO.

Fuck y’all then.

Someone hit me!


Kids are so cute! I want one!


EW! Never mind.


My best friend.

And…..heart attack. ABC really shouldn’t be promoting stuff that can kill you. Running is for victims, k?

No. Just cut my taxes k?

Next week are sexy dances. If you stick around, will you have had enough romantic experiences to really get it?

I’ll be dancing with my palms, thanks.


Rick, you’re very handsome. Do you plan on using the flesh tassels any more this season?


That was on TV. I was hoping it was a bad dream. I’m in sports you know. SPORTS

Mark and Val have known each other since their rodeo days. Look how they can rope those heifers!


You both win! Bacon for breakfast!

Mark is calling this “a straight duel”. You both lose.

The Straight Duel:
I like boobs.
I like hoo has.
I like long hair.
I like muscles.
Me too! And bubble butts.
Yeah. And penises.
Woah.
I meant boobs.
No you didn’t.
Can we try this again?

They basically stand there and play at each other. Val blows it a few times and goes off key. But it’s Britney Spears’ Toxic, so yay. Dude, Val, pick a key! Finally, he shows his real talent.

Lacy just farted out a blonde chick. I hate typing the word fart, but I have to report the facts.

 

That was….something. You know what’s more fun? Watching Brooke try to pronounce the word “album.”

No.

Nope.

No that’s not it either. Where’s Useless Samantha?

 

Watching people dance while Susan Boyle sings “Hallelujah” sounds painful. Watching people dance while Dolton sings it? BRILLIANT.

This is not what Jesus intended when he wrote this song.

Dancing in a graveyard. Fitting.


And one by one, the ghost children’s ears start to bleed. I don’t care if they’re dead. Child abuse is child abuse.

What did I do to deserve this?

This song is really good at turning people back to God. You’re probably praying for silence right now, but you’re praying and that’s the important part. That last note is stirring some touching memories.

Oh yeah. I had to put this dog down. His name was GetoffthedamncouchbeforeIputyoudown.

Dat wass da worse Hallyloojies I ayver hear in my whole life a pizza pie!

 

Dolton’s tour resumes tomorrow night in Altoona, Iowa. LOLOLOLLLLLLL. I didn’t make that shit up, either.

Our dance was all about self acceptance, which means America will probably vote us out of marriage and the military so YAY! TWO CRISISES AVERTED!

Our dance was about fuckin and Swiss Miss and Crisco! We’re winning this bitch!


She’s not kiddin yo. I snorted a line out of one of her butt cracks before I came out here. She’s got like ten.

Yeah I got some low scores. Suck it. I’m just here to get out of the house. Trig keeps wiping his boogars on me and my mom makes me wear one of those electronic collars that buzzes me when I try to leave the property.

I don’t care what Glenn says. Our dance was well.

Dear Alaska school system: TRY HARDER

Jennifer Grey’s not the only one who can freak people out with her bizarre boobs.

I know I can’t dance but that was the gayest thing to ever happen on this show.

Um…no it wasn’t.

I’m so sick of those freakin Indians taking all our work!


Chocolates are delicious, but they don’t cure homeliness.

If you’re going to murder people, you’ll need a good mini-van.

Sitch is safe! Bristol isn’t safe! Florence is safe! Cho isn’t safe. UHOH! You guys being on this show is emotional!

To prepare, I put tennis shoes in the dryer and sit on it for forty five minutes.


I leave voicemails for my dad saying “YOU MAY HAVE A TONY BUT I’M ON TV SUCKA!”

I put on a blindfold and drive around the block a few times…

…wipe the blood off my grill and act like a raging bitch the rest of the day.

That’s one way to get a date.

 

Gary Coleman Randy Jackson is safe!

30 percent chance of Rapture

Rick is safe! Bristol is safe! Cho’s out!! I blame the gay flag. And the terrible dancing. And the creepy skin toned sleeves.

Thanks for making me a true dancer!

LOL!

Wait she’s not kidding.

 

Poor Cho! Who’s next? See you guys next week!!