DWTS Results: Just @#$% Say It Already!!!

I thought the point of Dancing with the Stars was to watch stars who have no knowledge of dancing attempt to get through a jive without breaking a hip. Apparently ABC has strayed from their original concept and hired actual dancers to do the job, creating the Dancing with the Stars Dance Troup. They should just call them Dance Troup because there are no stars involved; however, they know that name will sell the tickets, so why not sell out a little while longer? That is until America tires of watching train wrecks try desperately to get their careers back so they once again bathe in the unadulterated love of the public. Selfish bastards. It’s over! Time to step aside and let the Biebers and the Jonas’s of the world take over.

But I digress. The show opens with the Dancing with No-Stars Dance Troup wearing neon and extensions. Their choreographed number to Jennifer Lopez’s “On the Floor” is like nothing everything I’ve seen before on DWTS. Only difference: they can actually dance the number. The ladies straddle the men like horny spiders and the men have a collective non-reaction because they are all eunuchs.

Now begins the recap of everything that happened on Monday, as if the previous hour of recap didn’t quite catch you up to speed.

Here’s what I’m going to suggest: DWTS is only one two nights a week. Depriving the American public of the much needed whatever it is that they do. So, they should start having recaps of the recap show. There is so much recapping left out in the two hours of recap that it could fill a whole week! The DWTS week of recaps recapping the recaps.

 

Recap Hines: Nothing really exciting goes on backstage for him because he is the most balanced of the group. Seems like the losing the Superbowl thing may have humbled him a bit.

Recap Jericho: “You can’t tame the dancing beast. The dancing beast has to be unleashed.“ He unleashes his beast in a flurry of sateen baby blue ruffle tops, jazz hands and an overly exuberant smile plastered on his face.

Recap Sugar: Len thinks Ray may be the one going home first. Honestly, if anyone is thinking someone other than Mike Catherwood is going home in the first elimination they need a lobotomy. Personally, I think Sugar Ray is so adorable I want to keep him in a little box on my dresser so that I can pull him out in his sequin-y top to do a jig for me with his tiny little fists swinging.

So now that everyone has been properly recapped on the couples, Hines, Jericho and Sugar are all on the skewer stage with dramatic music playing in the background.

The first couple who has been saved is…I don’t care. HINES and KYM. Oh good more stiff touchdown dance moves.

Second couple saved …Chris and Cheryl. Does anyone else notice that Cheryl has put on some pudge? Time to put down the Little Debbies.

Sugar Ray and Anna….dramatic music…more dramatic music…even more dramatic music…we’ll tell you later. WTF. That means they are going to do more things that I’m going to have to watch instead of letting me fast forward through the copious commercials.

 

A very special performance by Chris Brown! How can ABC have him back on a show so soon? Or ever again. Aren’t they afraid he’s going to throw a chair at the band? He has so many to choose from. And also, plenty of gorgeous talented women he can assault. Too soon?

A little boy with a mohawk jumps out of the audience to inform us “Hey it’s Chris Brown!” Then he joins in the dance, outshining everyone in the DWTS cast. Chris and his peeps dance to “Yeah 3x” in karate outfits that look like a Bruce Lee workout video.

 

Recap Kirstie: Did Kirstie Alley just have a stroke? Oh no, she was just describing her love for Maks. She is either going to crush him or eat him before this show is done.

Recap Chelsea: She was robbed!! How dare the judges misunderstand a dance that looked like clowns on crack having angry sex?

Recap Karate Kid: Before dancing, Ralph likes to pray. Dear God, please let me ride this Karate Kid gravy train for the rest of my days. Amen.

And again with the three new couples on stage. DWTS is a stickler for structure.

The first couple saved…Ralph and Karina. Looks like Macchio’s prayers were answered. Hallelujah! Can I get a witness!

Next couple that will move on….Ho-ho Alley and Maks. Kirstie gets to spend another week with that tight-assed Ukrainian. That’s more sweet young man ass than she’s seen in years!

And the third couple saved is….. Chelsea and Mark. Their creepy mime weirdo clowns ultimately won the crowd over. Thank you America for support true creative artistic expression. Now I will have Panic at the Disco-inspired clown nightmares.

Brooke Burke then feels the need to interview the stars, and believe me, she’s no Katie Couric.

Chelsea going to take risks next week? How is your body Ralph? Were you concerned about tonight Kirstie? What’s the goal for this week?

I think I’ve fallen into a boredom-induced coma.

Now we get to meet the Dancing with the Stars Dance Troup members. Finally! In each of their intros, they splash around in puddles. It seems that the more artistic your splash is, the more talented a dancer you are.

There’s Peta the vivacious sensual blonde Aussie and Tristan, the Irish joker. Ted dances with his older sister Nicole and says that it comforts him having her on the dance floor, awkward. Then we have Oksana with the thickest accent ever, “Eey em so zcheppy to be un des cho.” Kiki brings funky style, and is gay for Ted. Apparently, accents improve your talent as a dancer, which is why ABC doesn’t hire any Americans.

The troupe performs and I am way too creeped out by the brother/sister combo to enjoy the foreign talent.

Recap Romeo: “I’m so nervous I’m gonna pee my pants.” Looks like it’s back to Lil’ Romeo. You almost proved yourself as an adult. On with the pull-ups.

Recap Mike: Mike is a sinking ship and I think he enjoys it. The only thing keeping him going is Len’s smile and the amount of poon he will get once the show is over.

There are only two couples on stage now; they are clearly dragging out the results even more.

The next couple safe is….Romeo and Chelsea. He has yet another chance to prove he’s a real man.

Mike and Lacey…you will find out your fate later, in the dungeon of DWTS rejects, where Bruno waits with a riding crop and ass-less chaps.

We can’t possibly find out what happens to them now because we have to watch Kirstie Alley twirl Maksim’s hair and contemplate how good he will taste. It’s really important that we know how much chemistry the partners have and how much celebrities burp and fart. Stars, they’re just like us.

Chris Brown is back with another performance. Thank god! I thought he went home to roll in his millions of dollars and bruised girlfriends.

With all the flashing lights in their suits I feel like I’m at a rave. But without the appropriate drugs it’s confusing and terrifying.

My mind wanders away from the dance to Sugar Ray and Mike Catherwood. When we will ever find out their fate?  And will I be able to bear the heavy burden of disappoint me when I finally do know the answer? Is there any point in going on with life once their fate is decided? How can I watch DWTS without whoever it is that is leaving? Oh, Chris is done now.

Brooke pulls her microphone out of her armpit to address the crowd. Gross. There are other places to put your microphone Brooke. Like your hand, for one. A table. A PA. On someone’s flat head.

More questions from Brooke? Noooo!

Petra, were you surprised with the scores you got? Wendy do you think you did well enough to make it past tonight? Tony what do you think?

Brooke is like a little five-year-old girl who’s practicing her question skills because when she grows up, she’s going to be a reporter. Everyone sort of obliges her questions, but you can tell they really just want her to go away already. I bet if she were any less hot, she would not have this job.

Recap Wendy: As Wendy walks backstage obsessing about why her score was so low, Romeo tries desperately to give her a fake kiss. Wendy’s reaction, “ Oh that damn kid, quit trying to hog our spotlight.”  Go on with your bad self! If only your sass translated to your dancing, you would be ten thousand times more interesting to watch.

Recap Petra: Petra says some things but her accent is at an all time high so it just sounds like Russian gobbledygook.

Recap Kendra: It seems that the former bunny is so terrified her BO flares up. The more information Kendra shares about herself, the more I want to stick a golf tee in my ear until I meet resistance.

Kendra, Petra and Wendy await their fate onstage. It’s amazing what the fear of dancing will do to a person. Seemingly strong celebrities fall at the whim of DWTS.

The next couple continuing on…Kendra and Louie. Yes! I can’t wait for what other bodily emissions she’ll share with us this week.

Petra and Demitry…………………………………………..you are also still in the game.

Seriously, if people are still watching at this point, you should just fucking tell them already. There’s no need for all this suspense, it takes up my precious sleepy time.

Wendy and Sparkle Tooth…uh-oh Tom Bergeron, did you accidently let your bedroom name for Tony slip? Tom is clearly a tease; he doesn’t even let Tony know his DWTS fate. Guess he just wants some more pent up frustrations to be released in sexy time.

Now we have to wait. AGAIN. I’m currently looking for a sharp object or a blunt object.

Here we go with the three lowest scorers onstage: Wendy, Sugar Ray and Mike.

Did the viewers save them?

Yes! Wendy is safe. The queen of media lives for another day. I hope she gets a new weave to blot out all the fresh tears.

Len shares his thoughts on the two couples left, Sugar Ray and Mike. “I’m sure they have entertained everyone here.” Translation from proper British-speak: You two are such god-awful dancers that only the plebeians of lowest intellectual form could be bothered to applaud you while wiping the drool away from their slack-jawed faces.

The couple with the lowest overall total…..a year passes……my first kid is born……my kid just got accepted into Princeton, it’s not Harvard but we’re still proud….he’s getting married……he and his wife just had twins……..Mike and Lacey.

Who’s surprised? I’m just glad I don’t have to watch Roots McGee anymore. Maybe this elimination will convince her to finally go to the hairdresser and take care of that ridiculous skunk stripe.

Mike thanks everyone and his mom as if he is accepting an Oscar. Tom tells him he has joined the elite group of other DWTS losers; Jeffery Ross, David Hasselhoff, Kenny Maine. Tom’s making a joke! Good for him.

Then Mike does his farewell dance filled with lots of pointing and weird kicking while the band takes us out with “You Dropped a Bomb on Me”.  How clever.

The only solace I get is from knowing that I am not alone in watching these painful shows. Blue Canary, too, must endure as I do and we will continue to share our misery with anyone who cares to hear it.