The Republicans took the house! Do you care? I don’t. Tonight, Dancing With the Stars is 200 episodes old! Is that it? Do you care? Me too! A LOT. So let’s get to this week’s PicCap/Election coverage extravaganza!
HI! I’m Tom! This show is so old it poops a little in its chair when it laughs!
Who do you like more? Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock?
Julia Roberts! Voting is fun!
If you don’t pay much attention to politics, you have to base your vote on other important criteria. Like which politician’s fans have the best purses.
Fake or not? The bag I mean, not the politician. Duh. Of course she’s fake. I vote for this purse. If it’s real. Which I won’t know until it’s in office. Damn politics!
Not much going on here at the Barbara Boxer headquarters, but I do get to wear this giant headpiece. In case it gets windy or something. Inside. Well, I don’t know why, but it’s big and I like it. Do I look handsome in this thing? (Awkward paper shuffling)
Back to important things. Fireworks! Glitter! Sad rich people trying to make a comeback!
In the most spectacular moment of a pretty spectacular episode last night, Lacey gave birth to a chunky baby that turned out to be a bomb hidden inside that printer cartridge she shoved up her hooha before the show. Have terrorists no shame?
Brooke is dressed like a leftover spare rib wrapped in tinfoil.
Hey Len, what team from last night do you want to see again?
Awkward! Let’s just bring out Apolo’s team since we have his lights set.
Another side effect of stem cell therapy.
There’s not much sadder than a group of whiteys trying to clap on rhythm.
OW my neck.
OW my crotch.
Seriously. Can’t. Move. Clear me from the stage before that Brandy bitch trips over me. With her car.
My dog can do this trick. She also has a fauxhawk that was over like five years ago. So. Much. In common.
Now let’s take some time to remember how Brandy and Bristol did last night!
Just close your eyes and put your foot on the gas.
Woah. Suing ABC.
Why she haybve to show me da geerl partsz!? Formaggio!
Don’t worry, babe. It wasn’t you. It was your fucking mistakes. LOVE
That was amazing! I haven’t seen tapping like that since the Anything Goes revival back in the eighties! YAY PATTI LUPONE!
In other words, look like you have a pulse.
“Trouble” was the most fitting song title they could find, cuz “I’m tired and just want a fucking beer please can I just go home?” isn’t a song yet.
UGH. He’s making out with my nose again. Eskimo kisses are gross. So are Eskimos. Ew so are clogged drains. And placentas. I forgot what I was thinking about.
That personality should get you an acting gig on a really good drama.
Kelly Osbourne is thinner than me? WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN? I wanna go home.
So. Hungry. Hey that Christine O’Donnell skank can dance, no?
So, how’s that microphone training going for ya?
Brandy’s safe! Bristol’s not safe!
125 careers and counting? How bout making a doll that can hold a job?
If Yoplait’s so light then how come in every shot you’re covering your stomach? This is some bullshit. At least get a plant to stand behind or something while you LIE.
Get that preening gay off the team before we lose another damn game.
Woah bigots. I didn’t say kill him. I’m not getting blamed for this.
Yes I’m still texting. Because there was a change in time for tomorrow’s meeting. BTW you’re fired, mother.
If this doesn’t have a category for “most unflattering tight satin shirt on a giant sweaty football player” award, I’m out.
Best “Thought He Was President Bush” Award.
Best Talk to the Double Hand by a FagHag Award
BEST…Can’t think of anything. It’s Lance Bass.
The nominees for the Award for Most Dramatic Moment are:
Literally has his hand on his forehead like Faye Wray. Winna!
Kate reminding us why we’re all on Jon’s side even though he’s one of the biggest dbags on the planet.
Misty Mae’s sprained womb!
Sorry, ma’am. This is the most f’ed up womb I have ever seen. Have you considered buying children?
God striking down Marie for all those brother sex dreams of hers.
The time that guy squatted and a slut came out.
And the winner for Most Dramatic Moment, MARIE! Let’s go see her in Vegas to accept this award with the hair of twenty sweatshop workers on top of her head.
I’d like to thank God for striking me down on national TV, and of course Danny for having such a tight ass.
Target audience for Marie’s Vegas show. Mrs. McCluskey alert!
And now for the cast of Mary Poppins!
What’s my old nanny doing here? Do you know that she turned me into a sugar addict and that’s why I poop my chair a little every time I cough? DAMN YOU, POPPINS!
Wow. You can jump. Great. Now clean the toilet before I fire you. I didn’t spend all that money on scrub brushes for nothing. Stupid poor people.
A hundred bucks for a ticket and you’re not even gonna try to fly? Poppinsfail.
Come into my magical van so I can clean your chimney, little boy.
Not you. Go find your mother.
I take it all back! I believe! I BELIEVE!
Julie Andrews didn’t have a lazy eye in that film, but let’s just roll with it. SHE FLEW!
I hope you don’t mind, but I didn’t make you breakfast. I thought this was just a casual bang.
You’re one sick hooker.
Now let’s check in with the crosseyed lady from the news to see how the election’s going!
I guarantee you by the end of the night we’ll have a shady ass crook leading our state, no matter who wins. Now why are there two of everything?
It’s loose neck and loose neck. Whoever put together this graphic is gonna get fired for not putting Senator in front of Boxer’s name. She’s worked haaaard!
I was gonna vote in favor of this but smoked up that day and forgot to. So I ate a lot.
Let’s welcome Taylor Swift to whisper sing off key really badly! The song is called “Speak Now”, and I wish she would cuz her singing BLOWS.
Girl your bony ass makes that guitar look fat.
Seriously, this girl can’t hold one note on key. Terrible. FF. Sorry, I know that’s kinda not my job, but I CAN’T TAKE IT. I’d rather hear a puppy with his tail caught in a car door being dragged down a gravel road.
This vag has more talent.
Is this girl using botox already? She looks like a V.
Belly button molestation. Not OK. Disqualified.
Rerun, those stripes make you look so thin.
Because Worst Human Being isn’t being awarded tonight.
Whane I flushed da toylate my bagayl daynce round da bowl bayter dan you. Accordian! Pinot Grigioa!
I should have aborted that one.
I am no one of yer cheeldreens!
Are you sure? You’re so little and…obnoxious. You could have popped right out of me. I hate your father.
This was funny when it aired, but then that trainer got attacked by Shamu at Sea World and now it’s just wrong to show again.
Doing the move I do every time his music comes on the radio.
And the award goes to….
So, Jennifer. Do you think the costume designers are insinuating that Cheryl is a cow?
Don’t make me laugh. My spine is in serious pain.
We’d love to.
Oh no. Please leave Cheryl out of this one. She’s a human accordion.
And now for the biggest star of the night! Phyllis Diller, or as I like to call her,
Taylor Swift in forty years.
This number is almost as painful as Taylor’s. And I don’t believe for one second that this heifer gets no kick from cocaine. His throat drips cocaine. At least cocaine would be an excuse for the grovelly mess I’m sitting through right now. If I want old alcoholics rasping in my ear I’ll put on my hot pants and go to the library, like a normal person.
And now, the Award for the thing that makes Carrie Ann cry the most. The nominees are…
I think I fahted. My seat’s wahm.
Can we kick off this a-hole?
Kurt’s safe! Randy Jackson Gary Coleman isn’t safe! Wait. My show just ran out but it’s not over! WTF? Cuz of election bs? BOOOOO!! Well, we know by now that Bristol gets the boot up her cornhole and sent back to Alaska to not have sex for awhile.
I actually left this recap thinking that was the truth! But turns out Bristol was safe and Rick was sent packing! I think that cow tie was just the last straw. I’m glad Bristol’s staying, and I hope for more appearances by invisible Levi. xo
*****This recap has been updated to reflect the proper results because Flipit is kind of a dumbass most of the time. Thanks, zbird!