DWTS Results: Maria Consuelos Loses Her License

You guys, this week DWTS is HUUUUUGE I tell you! HUUUUUUGE!!! Action music! Perfect scores! Brandy making Celie face from Color Purple!

Beat er.

 

Can you believe this season is coming to a close? How the hell are they gonna beat this cast next year? I hope they get the drugged out slutty Regan daughter and pit her against Zamfir or some shit.

It’s hard to think of a comparison. Just bring the Bolt back year after year. It’s fun to watch him cry.

 

There’s sooooo much that happened in this weeks STUNNER of an elimination, so let’s get on with the Dancing With the Stars PicCap!

Hi! I’m Tom! I love playing Angry Birds, which I shall continue after I halfheartedly spew these ridonk lines they pay monkeys to write for me. This is Brooke! She likes wearing trash bags to work. We don’t let her speak much.


That is all.


Shhhh Brooke. Shhhhh.

You know who looks super happy right now? Brandy and Maks. Brandy looks like she’s trying to figure out the right poison dosage for the apple she’s about to slip Jennifer.

I’ll get you my pretty!
How long does it take to get rid of love handles? This Cumberbund Man Spanx shit is killing me.

 

Meanwhile, Mark is hanging on Bristol and patting her oven like he can’t wait to get some loaves cooking in that shit.

Sarah’s gonna make you get rid of that nail polish. Just be warned.

Did you guys read the Bristol/Willow war against commenters on Facebook? LOL!! It’s hilarious. They were standing up for the family name, which must be kinda rough. Bristol didn’t say all that much. She just told a kid from her school “You’ll be as successful as my baby daddy, And actually I do work my ass off. I’ve been a single mom for the last two years.” and “You’re running your mouth just to talk s—.” OK so not so classy, but still for the amount of crap she gets on the internet I think it’s fairly tame for a teenager. Her sister, Willow, on the other hand, needs to get to writing a book ASAP.

“Haha your [sic] so gay. I have no idea who you are, But what I’ve seen pictures of, your disgusting … My sister had a kid and is still hot.” and “Tre stfu. Your [sic] such a f—–.” Homophobia has never been so poorly spelled. To be fair, to kids, the words gay and faggot aren’t really the same as they were back in the day when gays were routinely chased down the street with baseball bats, but still EW. I don’t really care about that. My point in adding these quotes to this recap was to start a write in campaign to get Willow on DWTS. Make her partner with Corky. That’ll teach her a lesson. I don’t know what that lesson would be, but I would vote for her five times a night and laugh as Corks groped her. Sorry this is supposed to be pics.

Saving the world, one f______ at a time.

Don’t feel bad. If this was golf you’d be winning!

 

So, Len, what dance do you wanna see again?

The gym dahnce from West Side Story! That musical gave me an entirely new perspective on Mexicans! Border security schmorder schmecurity. If they cahn dahnce like that let them come on in, that’s what I’ve ahlways said! I met Chita Rivera once. I got in her cab on accident. I thought she was Rita Moreno. One of us fahted but to this day we cahn’t figure out who. It was hilaaaahhrious. Whehe’s Samantha? Who are you people? Why ah you staring at me? WHO FAHTED?

This is how I dance.

Pardon me, ma’am, but I can’t help but notice your varicose veins.

Fine. I’ll get rid of the hat. But the cumberbund man spanx stays on.


Has anyone ever told you you have praying mantis face?

Woah. Maybe we should get to know each other first. Is that thing smiling at me? That’s cute. Horrifyingly cute.

The broccoli tramp stamp. Just because you’re slutty doesn’t mean you can’t take care of yourself.

Unless this comes with a maid to hold the bottle, I have no interest.


Gross.


Seriously. Cut your hair. You look like a pioneer woman. Or that weird chick in middle school with a mom in jail and pentagrams on her trapper keeper.

Will you marry me? And can I borrow 39.99 for a cheap ass ring? What do you mean I’m not prepared? I totally am. Will you give me a ride to the store to buy the cheap ass ring? How bout we just say we’re married and we can spend the forty bucks on a big night out at Outback? We’re gonna be so happy together. Your earrings are pretty. Give em to me I’m putting that shit on craigslist. Why are you crying?

The snot nosed giant is here! Poke her eyes before she kills us all!


Who cares? Let’s just cut to the divorce and see how much she gets.

 

Annie Lennox is here! Man, she’s gonna look just like Ross Perot when she gets rid of the bleach.

This song is called Universal Child (eyeroll). I think it’s about falling down in a puddle of koolaid in Africa.

Thanks be you’re wearing a Bounty dress. The floor is gonna look like new!

 

You know this song is about Africa cuz it sounds like Sally Struthers background music and the dancers are black. This show is so racist. Other races can unravel themselves from a roll of paper towels, too, DWTS!

You guys are lucky Miley Cyrus isn’t performing tonight or you wouldn’t have a gig.

Annie is a good person, but that doesn’t mean she’s without vanity. I think she has some kind of a deal with the producers to be out of focus as much as possible.

That could be anyone from Justin Beiber to Ellen DeGeneres.


I think the message is: Sometimes you’re starving and all you really need to do is turn around.

 

Glad this show could fit in a vag shot even in a starving African children number.

Totally inspired to donate. I’m sending a box of shoes and shorts to Africa.

Is that Madonna?

Let’s have Annie Lennox come on the show and sing that song about starving African children. No, they won’t get bored. We’ll dress the dancer like a stripper and pair her with a huge muscly gay guy. No? Realism. Hmmmm….thinking…how bout we put netting on her stripper outfit to symbolize the fight against Malaria and make them dance shoeless. Perfect! Places!

I would like to sponsor this vag shot to help Africa. Thank you.


Night at the Roxbury tribute to Annie Lennox. Why? I don’t know. This whole number is very uncomfortable.

Trying to get enjoyment from this, but I think you’re doing it wrong.

No, that doesn’t feel right either.

 

Do you guys wanna hear Brandy bitch and moan about how frustrating this show is? Me neither. You wanna see her make her praying mantis face? Me too!

Bristol is shy. So let’s watch her make out with Invisible Levi some more.

Now for some Gary Coleman Randy Jackson trying to take down the studio.

Woah, champ. You wanna lose some weight, we should start you out with some power walking or something.

How has Jennifer’s experience been?

PAAAAAIIIIINFUUUULLLLL!!!!!

Is Jennifer safe? Will she win this thing and fix those implants? I know that’s just downright rude, but seriously. Do something about that. You’re forcing us to stare at your boobs and I don’t like boobs. So you were rude first. Christmas? Pashmina.

If you stare em in the face they won’t notice your legs aren’t straight.


OW. Is it crazy that this move is hurting my elbow?

 

You know what else this number hurt?

My eyes. Ow.

Yaaayoooooowwww

Two perfect scores! It kinda symbolizes our journey, D. It hurt and made me feel sixty. Please let go of my hand. My knuckles hurt. OW LET GO!

Don’t you worry! I’ve got a whole new guilt song coming up in just a few! Wait. Why am I not blurred out in this shot? SUING!

I wouldn’t marry that guy. The not speaking English thing is a plus, but the Kay box is minus two. Move along, Pedro.

Yikes. This one looks like a zombie. Just buy a vibrator and get a dog.

Before I say yes, will you show me your peen? I hate stereotypes, and I just wanna make sure you’re not one.


Did Dr. Quinn design these? Then NO I WON’T MARRY YOU, ASSHOLE.

Jennifer without eight pounds of makeup.

Aw. She looks so peaceful. Let’s wake her up and tell her she’s adopted.

 

Jennifer’s safe! But the bottle of aspirin in her dressing room isn’t. That shit’s about to get smashed and snorted.

Gently….


OOOOOOOWWWWWW!

So, B, how’s taking the bus been going for ya?


Bus? Girl, I got a license under the name Maria Consuelos. You crazy? As far as votes, meh. Whatever will be will be!

Most people quote Que Sera Sera after they lose. Do you know something? And do you have extra varicose vein hose? My legs are freezing.

Bristol, even the Tea Party admits that you’re kinda terrible but sweet. Why the f should you go to the finals?

You’re running your mouth just to talk s—.

Wow. That was colder than my knees are right now. Thanks for stopping by.


So, Gary Coleman Randy Jackson. Do people ever tell you you look like the mom from Good Times?

Who says I’m not the mom from Good Times, you bony bimbo?

Is he kidding you guys? Cuz I’m seriously about to freak out right now. LOVE ME SOME FLORIDA!

The Social Network. But with bangs.

That’s it! You’ve called me Mark during a handjob for the last time!


Mark! Come baaack! I’ll do your favorite pose!


No, don’t tie my shoe you idiot. Mark would know what to do right now.

Alright I’ll give you another chance.

No, dammit! I think it’s time to break up.

 

Now let’s welcome back Annie Lennox and some drag queen.

“Little Bird”. Love this song! But is it really helping anyone? No. No it isn’t.

Selfish skank.

Altogether now! Is this an audition round? Jeeze.

Shave much?

They leave all that wine in your dressing room to be nice, crazy pants. You don’t have to drink all of it.

 

Everyone wants to win, but who deserves it? I have a feeling he’s gonna say only people with nostrils you can see up at all times do.

I don’t know if Lacey deserves to win, but she certainly deserves something. She’s had to put up with a lot of fat kid gropes.

I would like to apologize for Carrie Ann being a donkey face.

Whoever prays hardest deserves it. Or whoever makes the phoniest faces. Only God knows the truth.

The pelvbellovhandbuttonmanboobs thrust.

 

There haven’t really been any ass shots of Maks tonight, so I feel like I should make it up to you guys somehow.

Lacey’s career plan.

Gary Coleman Randy Jackson is safe!

Who wants to tell Brooke that it’s not pronounced Enrique Englesias?

I think I can safely say that we as a country are too fat for this shit. Bring back jogging pants!

Hope really hard? Otherwise, I’m staying fat.

 

Old ladies are screaming when we get back, which means it’s Enrique Iglesias time! His song is called “I Like It”, and it’s about auto tune.

If I looked like that I wouldn’t practice singing, either.

 

I think this is the first time I’ve heard someone sing off key while using auto tune. Well done, pretty! Fun song. This should be on a gum commercial. And probably will be very soon. Julio must be at home shaking his head right now. Terrible. And gorgeous.

LOVE YOU please be quiet.

Giiiiiirl

I will probably get flamed for saying this, but I kinda love Bristol. She’s funny. I love her impression of the judges after she thought she did a good job.

But I like Brandy because she’s with Maks. He’s gorgeous and he’s really stopped caring about the non subtlety of his man spanx.

A hot man you can eat french fries around. DREAMY

Don’t trust her. She’ll literally bite your head off.

Bruno does a rude imitation of what Maks would be without man spanx.


To be the most humblest, I deserve to be in the finals back in fucking school.

 

Len, who do you think should get kicked off tonight?

Cloris Leachman! What a pig!

 

Aaaaand…..The Mantis is OUT!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! YAAAAYYYYYYY!!!! She is legitimately shocked. I think you’re out cuz America is afraid of that “I will eat your head” look you are always giving.

LOL

I would like to apologize for Carrie Ann smelling like poopooed out cheese.

Amayrika juss aproof da teabaggeen! I WEEEEEN!

Stay inside tonight, America. The streets aren’t safe. Maria Consuelos is on the loose and she’s PISSED.

See you next week for the last piccap of the week!