DWTS Results: Santana Deserves a Vacay

Another season of Dancing With the Stars means another season of pic caps! HOLLER. To read all about Monday’s performances, check out HappyHousewife’s hilary recap here. There were two hours of this bs tonight and thankfully, the first was just a recap of last night. I was going to have to come up with an excuse to not do it. I had planned on pretending I had some form of lymphoma all week. Thankfully, I can drop that and instead pretend to be perfectly healthy. Honestly, I don’t even know what lymphoma does. Do you understand what I’m saying? No? Me neither! Let’s do this!

First sign of a super sexy season.

The producers were more shocked by the contestant being eliminated tonight than America was that half these people are even considered celebrities in the first place.

 

If this biatch has to suck it in, there’s no hope in hell for the rest of us.

Real stars get the wax out of their ears before a taping.

Maks has really let himself go!

The conductor is an unabashed Longhorns fan.

 

Within ten seconds of the opening, I am reminded why I love this show like a hundred times.

x 100

Woah. Family show! And families share. Pass that Maks.

Santana lip syncs worse than Britney Spears. He’s mouthing the words to “Party in the USA” right now.

I sang backup for Santana and all I got was this lousy plastic jacket.

In case you ever wondered where the gay slur “twinkle toes” came from.

That guy’s hung like a Kym.


A look at the male dancers’ audition.

Nope! Your car keys aren’t there either. We’ll just have to keep looking.

Reason # 500 I love this show:

x 500

If Brooke is going to seriously replace Useless Samantha, she’s gonna have to start opening her mouth really wide for no reason and dressing way tackier. I don’t approve of this.

 

They’ve already announced the bottom three. Shit. That means I am supposed to recap that first hour after all. NO. There. That was easy. Wait. This is the top three on the boards last night, not the voters’ top three. This shouldn’t be confusing.

And yet it is. Tom Jones just rolled over in his almost grave.

If I can get my body as tight as my face, I might have a shot. Mmmmm. Shots.


Sharia Law Gone Fabulous

This picture makes me flashback to when Roy got mauled by a tiger.

How did a piggy back ride land the Situation in the bottom?!? That move’s a classic!

Nicollete please return my calls. I’m SORRY!


This girl could be President one day.

I’m so getting her pregnant.

Old sluts. Best new TV staple of our times.

If she could get all the way down she might have had a better role on The Hills.

Rectangular boobs have never been so Blah.

Thanks for the skin camouflage. WTF? Is Spanx making ball gowns now?


The scientist who spliced Gary Coleman and Randy Jackson’s DNA should be arrested. This is unfair to them, to us, to science, and to humanity.

Hey! That stupid machine ate my quarter!

If I win I get a new car, right? My last one’s still all jacked up.

Cute laugh! Derek must have just played her his “music”.

We’re safe! Now let’s make out. Close mouthed then? Nothing? SHERIDAN PLEASE. Cho’s safe too!


Oprah’s giving you a minivan!

You and your wattle are gonna have to wait for your results. We’ve still got four hours of show left.

Three cheers for microderm abrasion and fish oil pills! She looks like freakin’ Rudi from The Cosby Show.

Chunky guys in Arizona wear satin and ride unicycles.

So do chunky guys in Nebraska.

And in NYC! Satin: The Chunky Fabric of Our Lives

Corolla makes funny Hoff hair jokes named after dances. Unfortunately, he doesn’t give the poor guy a bottle of vodka and a bag of burgers. Hey! It’s Daughtry!

Come on DWTS! He’s been around long enough to deserve a mic his height. Have one made for him.


This is how dogs say hi to each other.


Reach, little guy!

 

One thing I’ve always liked about Chris is how he makes singing look so painful.

Jeeze buddy it’s not a colonoscapy.

 

Tom says that Brooke is backstage with the four highest scorers, but there are only three people there. Well if he could do math he might have a different profession and this job might be taken by someone who actually gives a frick.

Feelin great today Brooke! Could you give me a ride home?


No I don’t have an opinion of Kara getting fired. Why are you asking me that? PS your boobs are amazing.

This guy is boring. Let’s just stare at his pretty eyes.


Sorry I’m late! I just wanted to make sure I looked nothing like the original Jennifer Grey for this segment. I will keep holding the back of my face until the camera leaves. Hurry so I can let go. This hurts.

The contestants have to go onstage to find out who’s on the bottom. Wait. Didn’t we already find out Hoff and Situation are the bottoms? So confusing. Oh wait. They were the judges’ bottoms. Shudder.

I think I just fahted but I’m not shoohah. Anyone?

Jennifer’s safe! Unfortunately, her nose is always in fear of being crushed and reshaped at any moment. Poor not safe nose!

Safe! Now we’ll get to see what other full body stocking the evil producers come up with for Cheryl next week.

Lacy’s praying to get kicked off right now. Gary Coleman Randy Jackson Hybrid is thinking he’s totally getting laid tonight.

 

She might be going home! She and Brandy are still in jeopardy as we go to break! OH NOES!

Wear bland shoes so guys will stare at your ass. Bizarre reasoning, New Balance, but I’ll try it.


Or just get a coke habit and eat whatever you want.

I love Pinnochio! You’ve got my vote, girl!

 

Santana and India Arie!

LOVE YOU

OK the hand ballet is creeping me out a little, but still LOVE

Women in jock straps. Fashion has officially run out of ideas.

Lazy man love making. It also works on a recliner with a remote control in one hand.


Congrats! You’re mediocre!

You spoke too soon. Brandy’s driving up behind you.

Rick got on this show by playing with balls. That’s dedication.

Rick looks like chocolate. I will eat him. YUMMMMM

You can’t wash the black of, woman! You’re hurting me!

Loretta Devine! I can’t wait for your next Tyler Perry movie!

Florence gets her first boner of the season.

Please be my mommy so people will be nice to me again.

 

Bristol drove a truck here from Alaska. LOL. Sitch didn’t know Alaska had roads. Send Brandy there.

Ole Dead Eyes is safe!

Who says you can’t get votes by opening your mouth as wide as an anaconda?

Your mommy’s depressed because you look like your good for nothing father, you little bastard. Have a good day at school!


You’ve got a gorgeous house and apparently no job to go to. What the f are you depressed about? I’m coming out with a new pill called GET OVER IT. LIFE SUCKS FOR EVERYONE. That might be too long to fit on a bottle. How bout just STFUpX.

I have lots of black mannequin friends!


Your husband is a racist dick.

 

Now for Santana again! Dang, man, take a break! He’s with Daughtry this time! UGH. Just more midget yelling by Daughtry. FF.

Len hasn’t rocked this hard since he saw Sammy Davis Jr at the Desert Inn.

I specifically asked to not be touched by Tom.

 

Who are you rooting for Chris?

I don’t watch this shit. I’m rooting for Bolton to get his Jew fro back, though.

Being a dancer is hard. Being teamed with a fat horny teenager is HELL. VOTE ME OFF.

Stop your bitching. Kym gets it way worse.

The producers try to get me to wear an overcoat every single week. I hate this job.

Maks says if he goes first he’ll take responsibility for not being good enough for the show. LOL. Diss all the other loozas who have lost first, why don’t ya, hot butt? Hoff is literally holding Kym like a walker.

Would you mind if I put some tennis balls on your feet?

Brandy’s safe! She might wanna start wearing deodorant though cuz Maks is being really rude about her nervous sweaty pits.

Rude! Just breathe through your mouth.

Bristol’s safe! Let’s hope Mark is safe too later or this is gonna turn super dramatic.

 

Tom repeats the same stuff he has for the past eleven hours all over again. Come on! I’m dyin here! And by dyin I mean I promised myself I wouldn’t order a pizza til I had a first draft done. Get a move on!

Not helping.

Kurt is safe! Gary Coleman Jackson knows he might be out so he tries to cop a feel.

Boy you’re gonna lose that hand.

 

Sitch is safe! Let’s talk to the Hoff’s daughters!

Well, he didn’t fall down or vomit so YAY!

Hoff’s out!! I can’t believe it! I thought fans of this show liked cheese. So confused. He lost to Gary Coleman Jackson?!? Half of that nickname’s dead! That sucks.

Well at least Cloris Leachman came by to send him off!