DWTS Results: Time for “Let’s Fill an Hour!”

This week was classical week so that means Dancing with the Stars hired a bunch of old guys with wind instruments to play in the 46-piece orchestra.

Random dude with a violin, aka David Garett, opens the show playing a true classical piece; Aerosmith’s ‘Walk this Way’. Who wants to be the one to tell DWTS that playing a rock song with a violin doesn’t automatically turn it into a ‘classical’ piece of music? Does it have to be me? Cause I will do it. I will draft a strongly worded letter to the producers at ABC and inform them of the definition of classical music. This will not stand. Dear ABC…

The professional dancers have the floor and Mr. Violin’s ponytail is coming undone from his violent head banging due to his orgasmic excitement over his sexy-time violin.

After the wild non-classical intro, we see Brooke in an explicably ugly dress. Who picks Brooke Burke’s dresses? Hey Burke, I got a burlap sack that will really highlight your cheekbones! Just throw it on and poke your little sparrow arms through the holes the moths chewed through.

Chelsea and Mark talk about the risks they took and how young and risky they are and how great it is to take a risk. Didn’t they learn from their crazy clown dance last week, risks are not the way to win over the judges? To win over the judges, you have to do the same thing everyone else is doing and suck at it so that your fans can save your ass at the end of the day. Crazy kids.

They got a 26 out of 30 anyway

Hines is a dressed as a bullfighter and it seems he is fighting Kym in the ‘ring’. Carrie Ann says he was “in the zone and he got a touchdown.” He could have used that touchdown two months ago. Zing! Too soon?

According to Carrie Ann, Ralph danced a “glorious story.” I’m not sure what that means, but as far as I can tell it means boring. Even his partner is bored, as Macchio bares his soul to Karina backstage, she can’t even be bothered to listen waves and fist pumps at other people. Ralph, we know how sad it is that your Karate Kid days are over, but you have to move on already.  Carrie Ann said that your dance was glorious; now go suck on that compliment teat for awhile.

One of the things I love best about the results show is ABC mandates that all the stars dress up in their ridiculous out fits from the night before. Apparently, this is supposed to help the viewer remember who is who in this competition. If you can’t remember what happens from one night to the next and you aren’t totally wasted, you have a while different set of problems you will need to revisit with a licensed professional.

Ralph, Chelsea and Hines stand onstage, awaiting their fate.

If they get rid of Chelsea and Mark just because they are trying new, not-boring routines I am going to get really cheesed off. Oh no! I’m getting invested in the show! DWTS what sort of mind-control are you doing through your incessant recaps???

First couple safe: Ralph and Karina. Thank god! More glorious stories to come.

Second couple safe: Hines and Kym. Maybe Hines will actually win something this year!

Chelsea and Mark are sill in jeopardy. Len says Chelsea is “an excellent dancer but there are a couple of steps that aren’t my cup of tea.” Because the steps weren’t to Len’s liking, we ALL have to watch them redo the dance.

The couple dances to the Harry Potter song, which I’m sure is an actual classical piece although I can only identify it through movies scores.  At one point in the dance, they actually do an invisible rope pull, which made mimes across America ecstatic. Mark is wearing a witch’s hat to make up for all the Halloween’s when his dad wouldn’t let him wear one.

Tom informs us that next Monday the stars are dancing to songs about America in honor of Patriots’ Day. Also, in honor of those patriots, they show a little video where a British dance judge mocks the troops by wearing a Major Sparklepants uniform and talking about how dancing is just as hard as preparing to go to war. He will not accept piss poor performances from anyone, as it would shame the patriots. The lines written for Len lack originality and the production value looks like something you would see on a Univision Variety Show. I haven’t seen this sort of indicating since the last episode of Blue’s Clues.

I’m sure our patriots are proud.

Jennifer Hudson performs some very classical music; her newest single “I Remember Me”. More fodder for my strongly worded letter to the ABC executives. Her dress, wardrobe from the cartoon classic The Jetsons, is just short enough that every time she leans back I close my eyes.

Karina and Louis perform and you can see how thrilled they are not to be dancing with dead weight celebrities.

And here comes my favorite part of the results show: “Questions with Brooke”, where we see Brooke shine.

First up: Romeo. Romeo is really throwing around the fact that he is a college student.  He says he’s “gonna research about dancing so that I can win this”, you know, crack some books and things like college students do, cause I’m in college and that makes me a college student. Looks like you need to stay awake during lecture Romeo, to win this competition you just need to have a following that vote their little hearts out to keep you on the show, not actual talent. Now go get that diploma that you earned with hard college book-cracking work!

Next:  “Now Petra, you’re Czech and Dmirty is Russian, how are you going to face the all-American quickstep?” Now, either this is really racist, or Brooke is trying very hard to show that she did her homework and knows where these people are from.

Onto to Chris: “How did you feel about your score?“ To which Chris replies, “Well I mean I wish the scores were better but I wish the economy was better too.”  Thanks for that Chris, but we know you’re not affected by this economy because no matter how bad it gets, people will always leave their trailers to go see a live WWE RAW show.

More stalling with another recap of how the stars did last night. It seems, Romeo danced in flames and then ripped off his shirt for a dramatic finish. Seeing this recap almost makes me wish I watched the Monday night performances. You can tell Bruno is excited because he pulls out this phenomenal pun as he wipes the drool from his chin, “focused, powerful, action-packed, six-packed as well!”

Man, I don’t know what Petra did last night, but it has Bruno touching himself in public. I didn’t know he did that for girls.

Petra’s strip/writhing moment on the dance floor made no sense to me, as a lady, but apparently was enough to get a 23 and turn a gay man straight.

Tom takes a moment to be funny, “By the way after last night Bruno is now dating his own shirt.” He can’t stop patting himself on the back for his own cleverness.

Three more couples are on the chopping block.

Chris and Cheryl are safe. Somewhere deep in America, an entire trailer park takes a collective sigh of relief.

Romeo and Chelsea are safe. Looks like all his college book-crackin’ paid off this week.

Petra and Dmitry are still in jeopardy.

More “Questions with Brooke”; Kirstie looks like she’s been shot with a tranquilizer gun, Sugar Ray gets excited about his own performance and Kendra tells us how hard it is to be a lady.

Time for stalling: ABC shows a video of the professional dancers talking about how hard it is to come up with new steps. “The audience has seen it all and they will know if we do the same thing.” No they won’t. The audience just wants to watch their favorite stars fall, because that makes stars just like us.

More stalling: The Macy Stars of Dance presentation. How many more professional dance troupes is ABC going to hire? At least this time, they didn’t go international.

The San Francisco Ballet, Boston Ballet and American Ballet Theater all combined to make a supergroup of dancers called “The Stars of Dance.” They dance a scene from Swan Lake very well because they are professionals. If ABC really wanted to jazz things up they would have had the black swan have a mental breakdown on stage and then sprout wings.

J-hud is back with her Weight Watchers theme song, “Feeling Good”, another classical song. This strongly worded letter is getting really long at this point. How is it that ABC couldn’t get Josh Groban or Pavarotti for classical week?

Random dancers performed, proving that ABC is really just bringing in anyone they can. Time to put on my tap shoes and go audition!

Wait there’s more! We still haven’t recapped the most important event of Monday night’s shoe show. Kirstie’s shoe fell off!!! She is just a walking disaster. First she breaks Maksim, and then she breaks her shoes. What will she break next week? I hope it’s the stairs. During the whole walk-down-the-stairs-intro of the show, her stair breaks and causes a domino effect of celebrities. Yeah, that would definitely make for some good TV.

Kirstie goes on and on about her shoe and Kym has to talk her down by telling her “You got them back on and it was amazing”. Really Kirstie, we were all surprised you had enough motor skills to get that tiny shoe back on that well-defined cankle. Then she goes into the little ‘confessional’ or whatever you call the place where celebrities bare their souls, and talks about how she has to “break the cycle.” Don’t beat yourself up about it Kirstie. No one expects you to be good.

Then Sugar obsesses over Len’s words, “Sugar Ray Leonard dancing the sugar plum fairy”. These celebs get so in their heads about these things. Relax Sugar, the only reason he said sugar plum fairy is because that was the only word he could think of that had the same first part of your name. If your name were Nut Ray Leonard he would have called you the Nutcracker. Really you should be pleased with the comparison you got.

Kendra is having ‘lady times’ and is going to explode into a hormone-induced rage at any moment. Carrie Ann says, “She’s afraid of elegance” and Kendra claims she doesn’t really care about elegance. This makes Louis UP-SET.  Then she sits in shame backstage and is forced to think about what she’s done!

Kirstie and Maks are safe, until next week when Kirstie falls on Maks again and finishes him off for good.

Kendra and Louis are safe. Louis agrees to let Kendra out of time-out, for now.

Sugar Ray and Anna are still in jeopardy.

Tom says we’ll find out their fate in just minutes, but that is an outright lie. You know that we will be watching at least ten other performances and 13 more minicaps before we ever find out who is voted off this week. Don’t be coy Tom.

The bottom three are on stage. Apologies Tom.

Now for the SUPER DRAMATIC SEGMENT!!!!

First couple safe…………………………………….Petra and Dmitry.

Then Tom goes on to repeat the bottom two couples’ names about 300 times before waiting for more dramatic music. “Chelsea and Mark, Sugar Ray and Anna, you are still awaiting your fate. One of you is the couple with the lowest overall score. Is it you Sugar Ray and Anna or is it Chelsea and Mark. Chelsea and Mark, you took a chance and scored highly, but it still didn’t keep you out of the bottom two, Chelsea and Mark. Sugar Ray and Anna, Anna and Sugar Ray, Anna Ray and Sugar, Sugar Anna and Ray, Sugar Rayanna. Chelsea and Mark, Mark and Chelsea, Chelark, Malsea, Cherurbastank. Gobbledygoofrankchelseamarktalktalktalkytalktalkraybottombadtwoweekdancestarsclassicallenbrunoshirtdatingfunnyididthatwawaweewatallyhoowalkawalkadingdang.”

The couple leaving tonight is……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….…………………………………………………………………………….…………………………………………………………………………….…………………………………………………………………………….…………………………………………………………………………….…………………………………………………………………………….…………………………………………………………………………….…………………………………………………………………………….…………………………………………………………………………….…………………………………………………………………………….…………………………………………………………………………….…………………………………………………………………………….…………………………………………………………………………….…………………………………………………………………………….…………………………………………………………………………….

Sugar Ray and Anna.

More questions from Brooke??? Ugh! Stop asking questions Brooke, just be pretty  dammit!

Then they have their last dance to Bittersweet Symphony.” Touché DWTS. Touché.

That will also be included in my letter.