DWTS Results: Ton of Bolt Suck

I don’t know who came up with ABC’s logo, but it seems pretty on the mark.

ABC’s broken, you guys.

 

Welcome back to another week of Dancing With the Stars Results PicCap! If you’re more of an “I like to read words!” person, check out the full performance show recap by HappyHousewife. She is hilary and has a better grasp of English than I do. Me like pictures, mkay? Last night….

Bolton spent the night at Nicolette Sheridan’s place…

Brandy found the Lord…

…and epilepsy came out of the closet.

A cut out dart board. You’re welcome.

Well that’s one cheap way to refine your nose again. Have a gay guy nibble into a different shape.

 

Bolton is taking a lot of crap for his performance last night…

But it’s not his fault his partner turned out to be a suicide bomber.

No one roots for terrorism, Bolt!

Please take the flashlight out of your pants before I straddle you.

Only Brooke could make the “flat tire” look work. Get that girl a mini bicycle pump or something. Did she run chest first into a wall before the show? I need these boobs explained to me. Thank you.

Lacey tries to not vomit after Gary Coleman Randy Jackson does. Or while she’s dancing with him.


So you’re the one who stole my tuna salad sandwich out of the fridge.

Lacey deserves a raise.

Brandy’s a raging bitch. SHOCKER!

Maks with a roll over his pants? Brandy’s fault! BITCH! That’s a rage roll right there.

Someone pull my car around so I can run this mothafucker over.

 

Sure enough, Maks is in jeopardy.

Of getting tire tracks on his back next time he walks to lunch.

Speaking of raging bitches…

So Bruno, you’re kind of a flaming dick, eh?


Done a mess wit me jew seenjor seetisen! Lods of shows want flaming frog faced queens on dem! I good leave in a saycond!


I just felt bad for Michael Bolton. He already has to live life as…Michael Bolton.

Reen Teen Teen ees more dalendeds! Aynd hase baytter hair!


Joo have do understaynd. What I meanded to say ees Bolton ess harder to watch than a dogumendary footage of a sloghter houses! I don’d mean no offense! I loaves da Bolton! Juss not around me. Or een frond uff me. Or alife.

Let me say eet nizer! Bolton loog lige Banjameen Buddon. Whane he wass born not whane he looka like Brad Peet.

OK one time I drang Dieting Tea and I was een da ressrooms all days and nightz and my leequeed poop was a better dayncer dan Bolton!

You know what will make this little tirade all worth it? The Righteous FagHag Indignation on Cho’s face. And the embarrassment on Grey’s.

Well, Benjamin Button was a good movie. I never should have cut my hair. Cho what’s the point of being a fag hag if you’re just gonna sit there? HIT HIM! This is almost as embarrassing as…well every other day of my life I guess.
Jennifer: Could I sit next to Gary Coleman Jackson? He’s touchy but he’s not a low scorer.

BS! It’s not owah job to be rude, it’s owah job to be helpful! That’s why I scowl at contestants and throw rocks at children’s heads when they come onto my lawn. It’s to encourage ex-stah plastic surgery and to encourage tiny heathens to play in a park instead of my magnolia bushes. It’s called kindness, dahling.

Bolt either agrees or is giving Bruno the international signal for “asshole.” Whoever “encouraged” Cho to keep her nutsack hidden gets a gold star.

Sure, I’ve been called a blowhard and a bastard and an old cranky loose assed son of a bitch, but when I’m rude to a contestant at least I say something nice about their dress first.

Oh yase right! One dime bagstayge he told Marie Osmand her keeds looked like inbred monsters and she chood sew her trap shut before infecting the world weeth more of her Mask faced bile!

Well I told her her brother was very handsome first. See? Staht with something nice and then turn into an evil queen.

So Carrie Anne, how’s it feel to be the sour cream in a faggito burrito for yet another season?

Another week I am required to show zero personality! HOLLER! Ca-ching!

 

Lacey hasn’t threatened to quit and/or sue the company for sexual discrimination yet, so let’s watch Gary Coleman Randy Jackson rub all up on her again because Len deems theirs his favorite performance from last night! Len? Is pure evil, I don’t care what he says. Making that poor innocent girl get felt up by Willis’ spunky little brother bred in a petri dish with the DNA marinated cellulite they sucked out of Randy Jackson a few years back TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW.

Mr. Drummond is out of town. Let’s have a party, dawg!


Ugh. I should have gone to college.

From this far back he looks like a tiny Nell Carter.

Head in cleavage. Of course. He’s a man with a plan, you’ve got to give him that. What if Lacey fell for his wily charms and married him, you guys?

The Photoshop Pencil. It makes you look young, but only on paper or film. As long as no one sees you in real life, you’ll have the face of a five year old.

Real Life

You bought me some cheap ass sale counter Macy’s jewels? MARRIAGE TIME!

In case you didn’t know, tacky flannel plaid makes desperate women do this:


Only Macy’s would so blatantly have a sale on hot women. Things change, but they never really do. How many wives does one man need? And are they all gorgeous? Thanks for the unsolved mysteries, Macy’s. Target all the way.

You look like a young Gordon Ramsey. Not a compliment.

 

Now let’s welcome our first guest, Jannelle Monae!

Tiny people can sing like they’re rollerblading down a gravel road, too!

The pros and cons of legalizing pot.

Did she only allow black people on stage with her? Weird. Seriously, only black people. This is how black people must feel when they watch TV…like all the time. I am offended that there are no token Lebanese people in this performance. I like her style. If I’m famous, I will only have fat gay Lebanese bald dudes around me when I perform on DWTS Results. Thanks for the tip, Monae!

Unlike most other artists we see on this show, this girl can sing her ass off. Just today, BirschTalk gave me her CD and we didn’t even know she was gonna be in this recap! FREAKY DEAKY you guys. Also, I saw her perform at a sweet outdoor concert before Adele and after Chakka Khan and I had never heard of her and she came out bouncing and squeaking so hard that you couldn’t help but….get super invested in the stale ass tuna salad sandwich your friend packed in your yay concert time picnic basket because the freaky midget is on stage making you feel uncomfortable. This? Has been way too many words. PICTURE!

Now is the time to buy stock in fly swatters, cuz that midge is carAZAY!

If I stay another week, I’m making out with Len. If I stay two weeks, I’m asking for a hot beef injection. Three weeks and I’m letting him pee on me. Four weeks and I’m gonna swallow his wattle whole. Five weeks and I’m gonna squat down and….


Woah back away from my mic senior slutizen.

So, guys, the press is reporting that the audience was booing Sarah Palin last night instead of your low scores after your gross make out song. What do you think?

Unless Sarah Palin is a new nose that reminds people of Jennifer Aniston I want no part of this.


Who the fuck is Sarah Palin? And why has no one commented on my fauxhawk? I might go on Top Chef. PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEE. I have a single wanna hear it?


Oh God just please kill me.

Let’s watch a clip of what really happened!

Take somethin off! No? BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! NINE NINENINENINENINE!

 

Well that was tricky. She actually got applause. Are the editors democrats? WTF? The hatred for this woman astounds me. Personally I find her hilarious. And anyone who starts up a Facebook page just to say “fuck you” to the government in a new way every single day has my vote. Well maybe not my vote, but my giggles. I hope one day we can get rid of politicians and go back to the time of kings. Judge Judy for King!

I gotcha healthcare right here mothatrucka! Now take an aspirin and stop your whining!

 

When your king does stuff you don’t like, you riot, behead his ass, and let one of his kids have a go. What was so wrong with that?

Palin wasn’t mad! She was booing the audience right back!

Great. Now they’ll love me even more. Thanks Tom. It’s always fun getting out of the house. I hope someone has sprayed “Hitler” on my car again. Paint jobs are fun and they put real Americans to work.

Let’s take a look at how some of the stahs feel about last night.

If I get to week 6 I’m fisting Len!

Woops! Suddenly I Peed. Cleanup on aisle 4!

They only cast seniors to keep this weirdo old mime employed as a partner.

I’s gonna go out dayah and be as cartoonish and stereotypical as possible so people will just laugh and not question my sexuality. ABS!

Hey remember when Snooki got punched in the face? LOL

That was like Lemony Prickett’s Series of Unfortunate Events. But way funnier.

What’s musicality? Get it? IGNORANCE=HILARITY, yo! Pizza Pahlah!

They didn’t boo you last night, so let’s give em another chance. Say something dumb.


What’s dumb is spilling oil in Mexico when we have plenty of oil for real Americans to spill right here in real America! Sarah Palin likes this post.

Bristol’s a pistol! Speakin uh pistols, I shot this jacket with Trig! YAY REAL AMERICA!

Florence and her old mime are safe! Not safe? Len’s soggy penis.

 

Bristol’s safe! Someone screams. I am sure tomorrow we will find out that they were screaming at Sarah Palin.

Woah. Back away there, buddy. The last thing that oven needs are more buns. Unless they’re Maks’. Who doesn’t want Maks’ buns?

 

I was gonna put a pic of Maks’ buns here, but instead lets look at Jennifer Grey trying to figure out WTF is up with Bolt’s face.

Are your eyes open right now? I can’t even tell. Do you recognize me? I’m Jennifer Grey. I was in a movie with Patrick Swayze. I wanna keep talking but seriously I can’t tell if you’re even looking at me. Can you move your face? At all? Cuz if not I totally get it. If my face muscles worked I would look like this:

Sitch? Not safe! Which is why Miami’s STD county has quadrupled in one year.

I hope for his sake no one told Sarah a seal was coming up soon. She’ll shoot his ass and make another jacket.

Hey Florence! This is how you do old and slutty! Meow!

Best movie Drew’s made in years. 30 seconds should be her time limit in every film.

A childless life trumps game time.


Extreme Makeover: Homo Edition. First up, a busted Ty builds Bruno a face that doesn’t look like a tree frog’s.

Yay soccer!

Because no season would be complete without a storyline that lets Hatcher look like a whore.

 

We’re back! Let’s watch Ole Dead Eyes and Jennifer Grey minus original nose! Ole Dead Eyes is first!

If we don’t get three 8s I’ll wax my legs.

Ew. I won’t.

You look like that weird kid from The Addams Family. I like birds. Did you know swimming can give you cancer? Checkers is different than chess. I’m hungry. Deep breathe. Air is calorie free and so filling. Hey have you ever been slimed? I wanna get slimed. How do I get on that show?

Bruno ensures a leg shave. Of course he does.

LOL he’s gonna look like a girl now! Well, like that Addams Family kid dressed as a girl. Did you know that electricity was invented by a kite?

Shave Jennifer’s stomach. Lord woman. You look like you just lost three hundred pounds. Or a bear.


Told ya! Sarah shot her! Don’t dress like a wild animal anywhere there are real Americans around. Did you hear about that old woman who shot a kid who was bullying her?!? I say more power to her. Real. American.

I’m so glad you’re not Brandy.
I’m so sad you’re not Maks.

Ole Dead Eyes is safe! Jennifer Grey is safe! Have you ever wondered what people do to get ready for a DWTS taping?

I masturbate. It’s not gross cuz I just mime it. Hey look right now I’m making a sand castle!

I pray that I won’t have to touch that gay guy’s weird stomach again.

I don’t even want to know what Derek does.

I let Bruno act like the man.

Maks plays with balls.

 

Well that was a disturbing segment. Dancers are perverts. Lacey’s mom drives from Arizona to bring her buckets of chocolate chip cookies every week. I don’t think you’re allowed to hoard buckets of cookies when you’re paid to be on TV. You can’t be hot and eat cookies. It’s against God’s plan. I think the mom is trying to sabotage her. Still, cookies are cookies. My mom has never looked lazier. Now for the Macy’s Stars of Dance Performance!

Stop staring at us with your third eye, skank!

When we had to throw our legs in the air in PE and do the bicycle I had no idea at the time it was art. Seriously. The bicycle?

Now ballet is illegal? Set these dancers free! Except the one on the left blowing farts all over the place. You can keep her.

There’s a fine line between dancing and creeping me the fuck out.

That dude’s tall.


The hanging of the Salem witches is not a very fun idea for a dance. Did Macy’s approve of this?


What have they done to Ruben Studdard?!?! NOOOOOOO!!!

Until it comes time to feed the fat little fuckers. Then you’ll need a second mortgage. Cross your legs. NOTHING IS FREE.

 

Seal comes out and sings like an eighty year old woman with bronchitis. Man he’s fucking TERRIBLE. Luckily for him, when the crowd starts booing, he can just blame Sarah Palin on the news.

FYI it was 113 degrees when this was taped. What’s he hiding? And can’t Heidi afford to buy him braces?


That’s one busted ass grill.

Alright who marbleized Seal?

 

Now for a segment about how everyone wants to win. Yawn. Do you wanna see Derek almost swing Jennifer’s face right off its hinges? Well then here you go!

Remember how I told you my neck is FUCKED?!

How Brandy drives.

 

Before I started this recap I thought man, how bad could have Bolt’s jive been? Turns out, REALLY REALLY BAD. It’s just slow motion walking. Do you guys remember when Sheriff Mascara got stuck in honey on Big Brother? It was like that.

His shock at getting trashed by the judges is hilarious. Bolt tells us how awesome it was for his mom to see him get called a loser on national TV. She’s used it, kid. Hey, Maks is getting a little competition from Rick.

Assface and Assface

Have I told you about the time I had my own sitcom and they made me anorexic? WAAAAH

Tighten your ass!

Back at ya, Mary.

In case any of you are having trouble sticking to your diet.

 

Kurt is safe! Margaret is safe! Commercial!

Brought to you by Always a Virgin Mobile.

574 weeks

So, Bolt. I love your music.

Really? Name one of my songs.

With or Without You?

No.

Um….

I used to have curly long hair.

EW!! So you didn’t record Sex Bomb?

Rick is safe! Brandy’s safe! Poor Maks. The Sitch is safe! Bolt is OUT!!

I just don’t know what went wrong. I’m the best slow walk dancer ever. Remember that part where I just stood there staring into the lights like a crazy person? That wasn’t easy.


Well, back to being a private joke instead of a public one. Thanks for coming! I hope your metabolism’s slow enough for us to watch you limp through another dance!

Atta boy!