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Saturday, November 13, 2010
3:00 pm
17 Comments
Welcome to another wee of Dancing With the Stars Results PicCap! There’s a lot of cheese to smother on our nachos this week, so let’s get right to it!
Last night, Bristol opened fire on the audience!!
I thought they were deer, your honor.
Brandy may not be the next Fred Astaire, but she’s not terrible and her bitchy personality is super fun to watch. I especially like the faces she makes.
Aw man. Now I gotta get a new bumper.
Brooke looks like she went swimming in the Gulf of Mexico.
The DWTS equivalent of:
Even Maks, who dresses like a retired cabana boy, looks upset at her outfit.
I wonder if we can make that into a cumberbund that will double as man Spanx.
Because I like giving helpful tips: If there are lines around your implants, wear a pashmina. That’s just a general note. It’s not to anyone specific, because I totally respect everyone on this show.
Ow my boobs.
Lacey is as thrilled as ever to be with Gary Coleman Randy Jackson for another week.
Disney hasn’t called yet. Is this WORKING?
Hey Len! What dance do you wanna see?
Singin’ in the Rain! Debbie Reynold’s is Princess Leia’s mum, you know. We met once at the Stahdust. I think she stole my credit cahd. That Debbie. What a nut. Who fahted? Was that me? Shhhhh.
Gary Coleman Randy Jackson doesn’t know who Debbie Reynold’s is, but he’ll do his dance again.
Are your nipples touching your belt? Good. PLACES!
This dance is called “Bruised Knees: Lacey’s Rise to the Top”
Lacey, I just sent Jennifer a pashmina. Ask her to borrow it. That bruise is gross.
Ruuuuuun!
I warned you!
Is that beef jerkey and peanut butter I smell on your breath? I told you to chew some gum. The song is called “Just Breathe” and I’m suffocating to death. And get your flagpole off my stomach.
Yikes. That’s one ugly baby. Who’s the daddy?
Since that number didn’t have a vag shot, Carrie Ann shows us her armpit vagina.
Girl did you get a Brazilian?
Gary Coleman Randy Jackson is safe! Coming up, a really cool guy wearing sunglasses inside!
Dork.
I hope this isn’t taped near a school, cuz this segment has sex offender written all over it. Speaking of sex offenders…
Diane Keaton and Woody Allen together again. AW!
Random shot of me making dinner
Nope. That’s not it. CAREEEER! Where’d you go?!?!?!?
The international sign for “Oops I crapped my pants.”
Len and Kenny are so pasty they’re making Jerry Rice look black.
This is what age does to you, boys. You should see my nuts.
No guys, this game doesn’t have a basket. You throw the ball and run with it. No. You don’t hit it with a bat. You know what? Just run offscreen and I’ll have a PA catch it.
Bristol shows us her hobbies.
That’s what you get for almost breaking my nose every week with your stupid face smush move, dick!
Motive.
Anything physical? LOL. So rude.
Can we take a break? I don’t feel good.
Shut it, Randy Jackson. You’re not eating until you admit to taking the box of cookies my mom made me AGAIN. But you can tell me what it was like working with Dana Plato. What a tragedy that was.
Kenny makes fun of this team’s fashion, and it’s too hilarious to add to.
Bristol was named after the hotel her mom worked in when she was conceived. Kenny says “good thing she wasn’t working at a place called barf at the time.” HA. He’s hilary. I wish he could replace Brooke.
And if he keeps his flirting up, he can add “diapers, diapers, rash cream, diapers, bullet proof vest, and diapers.”
Now let’s welcome Taio Cruz!
How’s that mustache comin, Stevie?
First vag shot in fifteen minutes, so let’s make it a triple.
Len was out after the first “hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey.” He’s trying to find the record player so he can move the needle away from the scratch.
Someone needs to make Gary Coleman Randy Jackson stop jumping.
Old age doesn’t mean an end to painting enormous penises. God bless her.
Do you think straight guys know they’re a decent haircut away from getting their own Logo shows?
Len’s pet gorilla.
It’s a missile! It’s a plane! I’ve heard everything but “it’s Superman”, which really makes me disappointed in you, Los Angeles. When did we stop BELIEVING?!
Now let’s welcome John Legend and the Roots with “Wake Up!”
Then stop being boring. And if you want people out of bed, you should probably stop showing them this:
I’m tired, let’s go to bed, babe.
John Legend knows how to solve war and poverty. With a vag shot.
In all fairness to him, it hasn’t been tried yet so let’s not just shrug and say it’ll never work.
If you want an end to war and poor people, have a positive attitude? You know what, John Legend? Go sit on a traffic cone. Stupid ass song. What do you wanna bet they’ll be selling this garbage in line at Starbucks by morning? Feel better about yourself before you spend five dollars on coffee that could feed an African child for a year. Not coffee, the five dollars. Coffee just makes you poop, which is the last thing Africa needs. How did we get on Africa? DAMN YOU, LEGEND!
I rolled my eyes and pressed FF and almost missed a vag shot!
That was close.
You guys wanna see the only good thing about that stupid ass song?
Should only wealthy people be allowed to get plastic surgery? No, of course not. But if a doctor sounds too cheap to be good, he usually is.
So, Jennifer. You scored a thirty, how did that feel?
It hurt. How do you think it felt you stupid hooker? Ow. That answer hurt my jaw. I would grab that mic from you and shove it up your cornhole if I didn’t think I’d sprain my elbow doing it. I have elbow problems. OW MY TONGUE HURTS FROM TALKING SO MUCH WAAAAHHHHH!!
Well, Brooke, I felt, of course, that it was totally unfair that I got a lowish score but I’m trained to overcome unfairness and dance badly no matter how unfair the outcome might unfairly be. UNFAIR.
Carrie Ann smacked you down last night. How do you feel?
Like going for a drive.
LOL
Everyone’s getting higher scores than me. Is it because they’re jealous that I played football? Is it my big hands? My full head of hair? WHAT? So unfair.
Spoiler alert: you dance like a white guy.
OW! My spleen!
OW my womb!
Actually my knee’s fine.
OW MY RIB!
Hi Nancy. We brought you in today to ask you to…wear less makeup? You’re scaring the children.
What I would look like if I lost a shit ton of weight.
So, Bristol. Show us some personality!
Maks, you got in a HUUUUGE GIAAAAANT Jerry Springer fight with Carrie Ann last night. Anything you’d like to say?
I’d like to apologize for getting dramatic last night instead of showing more of my fine melon ass.
Anything you’d like to say to Carrie Ann specifically?
I would also like to apologize for the fact the Carrie Ann is a C word.
Anything eeeelse?
I’m sad that Carrie Ann is the only woman and still the most unfuckable person on that panel.
Aaaaand?
I’m sorry that the manure in my garden is less offensive than Carrie Ann in a sleeveless dress.
That’s what I wanted to hear! Back to you, Tom!
Manure helps flowers grow so yay me.
Brace yourselves. It’s time to feel super old, untalented and ready for the afterlife.
Child prodigies. Yay…?
That little girl hates black people.
It’s a trick! They only invited you to play so they can tackle you after the show and suck stem cells out of your spinal fluid! RUUUUN!
What kind of perv brings a spy cam to a dance recital?
Shame on you.
You’re adorable and I have nothing rude to say about you. Please get off my TV.
Now THAT’s how to do a number on DWTS without a pandering vag shot. Class act!
These kids just blew the entire cast out of the water. I thought my niece was smart when she said “Unky” at one year old. Now I’m worried that she might have a learning disability.
AmmIright?
And it’s always about eating the things that taste good.
Hi! I’m Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I was hoping you could help me make some super plasticy looking cheese ass jewelry!
Yes! My dream has been realized! I totally Secret-ed this shit!
Dr. Quinn: Living the Dream
Let’s welcome back John Legend! FF.
That performance what whiter than my arms, Tom.
I love Brandy!
You’re a lush. Keep your likes out of this. Next you’ll be going on about how much you love those little blow up cushions…
I LOVE THOSE! I have one I call LuLu. She’s absorbed more fahts than I even knew I emitted! YAY LULU!
It looks good, but it tastes like whiny bitch face.
Kenny says Jennifer is faking pain to get sympathy votes and is way too close to the gay guy she’s paired with. HAHAH. I love him. Can he be a regular?
Ow. My collar bone.
“This show’s getting weirder every season. Derek could be her son. She’s like fifty years old, her name’s Baby, and he’s rockin’ her.” HAHAHAHAHAH. Oh no he did NOT just call her fifty. He’s so dead.
There’s nothing we can do about that now. Just try to not show it much out there.
Perfect! You’re going places.
Let me make you feel better by sexually harassing you on national TV.
Brandy’s number was overwrought and ridic. So let’s just look at Mak’s butt.
Maks, you didn’t show your butt enough and totally lost that dance for poor little Brandy.
I’m sorry that Carrie Ann has about as much dancing talent as the hula bobble on the dashboard of my Mustang. That is all.
Bristol’s safe! Brandy is not safe! Now you know how pedestrians feel. It’s down to Brandy and Kurt and….
Wait. Carrie Ann wants to take a moment and talk around an apology to Maks.
I have always respected the dancers. Sure I don’t know most of your names and no I won’t let you into my trailer for lunch or any other reason and yes I assign you bathroom cleaning duties but it’s not because I’m mean it’s because my pitgina gets sore after a wax so just let it go already whatever your name i….TIME’S UP!
Kurt’s OUT! How unfaaaaaaaaaaair! So what did you guys think? Should he have stayed? Is Carrie Ann a horror of a human? Did Len faht?
See you next time!
17 Comments
I see the resemblance but either Legend needs to work on the bitter self-satisfaction that only an indie-movie darling can realistically portray, or Levitt needs to work on the faux sincerity that comes with commercial success.
How do they motivate Gary Coleman Randy Jackson to move that fast? Ya ‘spose there’s someone just off camera holding a pizza?
The costume desingers must have it in for Lacey. They’ve gotta be hellapissed to think up those costumes for her. She looks more massive than Massey. I know the camera adds 10 pounds but the costumes they make her wear add 50. Also can I get a defintion on a “TEEN ACTIVIST” stat. What is the pay range? Diploma required? or just some Levi Lovin qualifies?
@considerthis, ITA about the costume dept. But supposedly, the pros get some input about costuming, so maybe Lacey just has shiteous taste. I mean, look at what she chooses to wear for practice. I know they’re just practicing, but she *knows* they are filming and she put enough thought into appearance to wear full fake eyelashes.
@flipit, that’s not a bruise on Lacey’s ribcage, that’s a tattoo. She has a few. I think them blurring it out makes it look like a bruise. Don’t know why they did that, as far as I know she doesn’t have any obscene ones like Steve-o did. And ROTLMAO at “Going for a drive”. You rock for that. And the Dmitry bootyshake, pics of Maks’ butt…the whole thing.
Well, to defend Jennifer a little bit: I’m about her age, and I’m telling ya, everything hurts. Of course, I don’t whine, I just drink and take pills.
Don’t Jane Seymour’s Open Hearts look like asses? Not ass, assES. I mean butts.
Jerry Rice was just named THE best NFL football player of all time, mothaf**kas. He rocks.
Man, when is Bristol going home? If I were her mom, I’d pop a cap in that sleazeball nose-molester’s ass.
See, I don’t whine. I just act like a bitch!
Biggest problem with Jane Seymour’s jewelry is it looks like Zs…like it should have been sold at Zales. And it’s ugly…that’s the other problem.
Not to sound hateful (I’m sick with a cold so I think the hateful will come out anyway…) but you know Mrs. Palin doesn’t care who is molesting her daughter as long as it’s bringing her more attention. I have nothing against Bristol — she seems like a sweet girl — but I can’t fight the feeling that she’s being used by her mama as another rung in her ladder to higher levels f fame whoredom. Of course, Bristol is grown now and she could have said “no” if she really wanted to…
And Bristol will leave when the Tea Party voters run out of steam…which may be never by the looks of it. I do think she has improved though.
I do think “Cute” got treated unfairly. I thought his instadance was actually better than Brandy’s (I almost fell out of my chair when the judges actually praised her on that one!) and yet his scores were that much lower. I didn’t think he was the best overall, but I think the judges have been lowballing him relative to the other performers for weeks.
Maks was wrong, but he made me literally laugh out loud with his bitch-off with Carrie Ann. And you know that apology was soooo insincere. On both their parts.
Please start a write-in for Kenny replacing Brooke! What a fabulous idea….
Pixielated, the first time I saw Jane’s Open Heart collection, I said to my husband, “that looks like a butt!” So glad I’m not the only one!
Thank you, @wcsdancer!
BTW Did you take a look at the screencap of the Kays ad provided by our fair @Flipit? The one in the middle, with the angel wings? Damn, it looks like the rear view of an angel with a Kim Kardashian butt!
@Lizbot, I think it’s probably just easier to say “yes” to Sara, even if you are all grown up. Homegirl packs heat.
Damn, I desperately want Brandy and Jennifer to lose NOW (especially Brandy)! The judges’ unjust love of them is making this show completely unwatchable. And no I don’t want Bristol eliminated; aside from the trainwreck in the gorilla suits, she’s actually been doing really well these past several weeks, and I don’t get the Bristol hate. Unless you hate her mom, in which case that’s not a reason to hate Bristol. I’d gladly take Bristol over either of the divas any day.
Oh, Good Lord. The entire Season is completely WHACK. Who would try to make any sense out of it anyway? Foolish!
I’ve really liked DWTS in the past. But, lately they’ve stretched the definition of star too far, put too many ringers in and ABC is screwing with the public. It’s just hit me who I want to win (since my previous favorites are gone). Utterly mediocre Bristol needs to take that big ‘ole disco ball back to Alaska. She could take it with her on her tour of the country to speak as a teen pregnancy advocate. I forget, is she for or against?
“This show’s getting weirder every season. Derek could be her son. She’s like fifty years old, her name’s Baby, and he’s rockin’ her.” HAHAHAHAHAH.
I almost spit out my drink at home when they teasingly called Jennifer out for faking. I am trying to like the woman, but I can’t. For someone to be able to do those long leg extensions with such a horrible back and knee; just not buying it. Does she probably ache (like EVERYONE else??)..yes, but not to the extent she portrays it. UGH. I hate the ringers..the “chosen one” as Carrie Ann said. I soooooooooooo don’t want her and Barbie’s brother/lover to win, just to see the look on her face. She always acts like she has it in the bag. And when they called Derrick out for rocking her like a little baby: Priceless.
Go KYLE!!
p.s. Oh please, please replace Brooke with the Dance Center Boys..Kenny. AWESOMENESS. I love that they are ‘real’ and say what we are all thinking.
p.p.s. We need new judges too..the lust of their favorites is getting old REALLY fast..Bring on some new people…PLEASE!!!!
oh flip, i always enjoy your results recaps. i love all the funny shit about jen grey’s whiney ass. it had me literally LOL…”my spleen.” btw, thanks for all the gratuitous shots of Maks’ sweet ass.
AMEN @ 2muchbravo
Love your recaps Flipit!!! You always make me laugh