Welcome to another wee of Dancing With the Stars Results PicCap! There’s a lot of cheese to smother on our nachos this week, so let’s get right to it!
Last night, Bristol opened fire on the audience!!
I thought they were deer, your honor.
Brandy may not be the next Fred Astaire, but she’s not terrible and her bitchy personality is super fun to watch. I especially like the faces she makes.
Aw man. Now I gotta get a new bumper.
Brooke looks like she went swimming in the Gulf of Mexico.
The DWTS equivalent of:
Even Maks, who dresses like a retired cabana boy, looks upset at her outfit.
I wonder if we can make that into a cumberbund that will double as man Spanx.
Because I like giving helpful tips: If there are lines around your implants, wear a pashmina. That’s just a general note. It’s not to anyone specific, because I totally respect everyone on this show.
Ow my boobs.
Lacey is as thrilled as ever to be with Gary Coleman Randy Jackson for another week.
Disney hasn’t called yet. Is this WORKING?
Hey Len! What dance do you wanna see?
Singin’ in the Rain! Debbie Reynold’s is Princess Leia’s mum, you know. We met once at the Stahdust. I think she stole my credit cahd. That Debbie. What a nut. Who fahted? Was that me? Shhhhh.
Gary Coleman Randy Jackson doesn’t know who Debbie Reynold’s is, but he’ll do his dance again.
Are your nipples touching your belt? Good. PLACES!
This dance is called “Bruised Knees: Lacey’s Rise to the Top”
Lacey, I just sent Jennifer a pashmina. Ask her to borrow it. That bruise is gross.
I warned you!
Is that beef jerkey and peanut butter I smell on your breath? I told you to chew some gum. The song is called “Just Breathe” and I’m suffocating to death. And get your flagpole off my stomach.
Yikes. That’s one ugly baby. Who’s the daddy?
Since that number didn’t have a vag shot, Carrie Ann shows us her armpit vagina.
Girl did you get a Brazilian?
Gary Coleman Randy Jackson is safe! Coming up, a really cool guy wearing sunglasses inside!
I hope this isn’t taped near a school, cuz this segment has sex offender written all over it. Speaking of sex offenders…
Diane Keaton and Woody Allen together again. AW!
Random shot of me making dinner
Nope. That’s not it. CAREEEER! Where’d you go?!?!?!?
The international sign for “Oops I crapped my pants.”
Len and Kenny are so pasty they’re making Jerry Rice look black.
This is what age does to you, boys. You should see my nuts.
No guys, this game doesn’t have a basket. You throw the ball and run with it. No. You don’t hit it with a bat. You know what? Just run offscreen and I’ll have a PA catch it.
Bristol shows us her hobbies.
That’s what you get for almost breaking my nose every week with your stupid face smush move, dick!
Anything physical? LOL. So rude.
Can we take a break? I don’t feel good.
Shut it, Randy Jackson. You’re not eating until you admit to taking the box of cookies my mom made me AGAIN. But you can tell me what it was like working with Dana Plato. What a tragedy that was.
Kenny makes fun of this team’s fashion, and it’s too hilarious to add to.
Bristol was named after the hotel her mom worked in when she was conceived. Kenny says “good thing she wasn’t working at a place called barf at the time.” HA. He’s hilary. I wish he could replace Brooke.
And if he keeps his flirting up, he can add “diapers, diapers, rash cream, diapers, bullet proof vest, and diapers.”
Now let’s welcome Taio Cruz!
How’s that mustache comin, Stevie?
First vag shot in fifteen minutes, so let’s make it a triple.
Len was out after the first “hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey.” He’s trying to find the record player so he can move the needle away from the scratch.
Someone needs to make Gary Coleman Randy Jackson stop jumping.
Old age doesn’t mean an end to painting enormous penises. God bless her.
Do you think straight guys know they’re a decent haircut away from getting their own Logo shows?
Len’s pet gorilla.
It’s a missile! It’s a plane! I’ve heard everything but “it’s Superman”, which really makes me disappointed in you, Los Angeles. When did we stop BELIEVING?!
Now let’s welcome John Legend and the Roots with “Wake Up!”
Then stop being boring. And if you want people out of bed, you should probably stop showing them this:
I’m tired, let’s go to bed, babe.
John Legend knows how to solve war and poverty. With a vag shot.
In all fairness to him, it hasn’t been tried yet so let’s not just shrug and say it’ll never work.
If you want an end to war and poor people, have a positive attitude? You know what, John Legend? Go sit on a traffic cone. Stupid ass song. What do you wanna bet they’ll be selling this garbage in line at Starbucks by morning? Feel better about yourself before you spend five dollars on coffee that could feed an African child for a year. Not coffee, the five dollars. Coffee just makes you poop, which is the last thing Africa needs. How did we get on Africa? DAMN YOU, LEGEND!
I rolled my eyes and pressed FF and almost missed a vag shot!
That was close.
You guys wanna see the only good thing about that stupid ass song?
Should only wealthy people be allowed to get plastic surgery? No, of course not. But if a doctor sounds too cheap to be good, he usually is.
So, Jennifer. You scored a thirty, how did that feel?
It hurt. How do you think it felt you stupid hooker? Ow. That answer hurt my jaw. I would grab that mic from you and shove it up your cornhole if I didn’t think I’d sprain my elbow doing it. I have elbow problems. OW MY TONGUE HURTS FROM TALKING SO MUCH WAAAAHHHHH!!
Well, Brooke, I felt, of course, that it was totally unfair that I got a lowish score but I’m trained to overcome unfairness and dance badly no matter how unfair the outcome might unfairly be. UNFAIR.
Carrie Ann smacked you down last night. How do you feel?
Like going for a drive.
Everyone’s getting higher scores than me. Is it because they’re jealous that I played football? Is it my big hands? My full head of hair? WHAT? So unfair.
Spoiler alert: you dance like a white guy.
OW! My spleen!
OW my womb!
Actually my knee’s fine.
OW MY RIB!
Hi Nancy. We brought you in today to ask you to…wear less makeup? You’re scaring the children.
What I would look like if I lost a shit ton of weight.
So, Bristol. Show us some personality!
Maks, you got in a HUUUUGE GIAAAAANT Jerry Springer fight with Carrie Ann last night. Anything you’d like to say?
I’d like to apologize for getting dramatic last night instead of showing more of my fine melon ass.
Anything you’d like to say to Carrie Ann specifically?
I would also like to apologize for the fact the Carrie Ann is a C word.
I’m sad that Carrie Ann is the only woman and still the most unfuckable person on that panel.
I’m sorry that the manure in my garden is less offensive than Carrie Ann in a sleeveless dress.
That’s what I wanted to hear! Back to you, Tom!
Manure helps flowers grow so yay me.
Brace yourselves. It’s time to feel super old, untalented and ready for the afterlife.
Child prodigies. Yay…?
That little girl hates black people.
It’s a trick! They only invited you to play so they can tackle you after the show and suck stem cells out of your spinal fluid! RUUUUN!
What kind of perv brings a spy cam to a dance recital?
Shame on you.
You’re adorable and I have nothing rude to say about you. Please get off my TV.
Now THAT’s how to do a number on DWTS without a pandering vag shot. Class act!
These kids just blew the entire cast out of the water. I thought my niece was smart when she said “Unky” at one year old. Now I’m worried that she might have a learning disability.
And it’s always about eating the things that taste good.
Hi! I’m Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I was hoping you could help me make some super plasticy looking cheese ass jewelry!
Yes! My dream has been realized! I totally Secret-ed this shit!
Dr. Quinn: Living the Dream
Let’s welcome back John Legend! FF.
That performance what whiter than my arms, Tom.
I love Brandy!
You’re a lush. Keep your likes out of this. Next you’ll be going on about how much you love those little blow up cushions…
I LOVE THOSE! I have one I call LuLu. She’s absorbed more fahts than I even knew I emitted! YAY LULU!
It looks good, but it tastes like whiny bitch face.
Kenny says Jennifer is faking pain to get sympathy votes and is way too close to the gay guy she’s paired with. HAHAH. I love him. Can he be a regular?
Ow. My collar bone.
“This show’s getting weirder every season. Derek could be her son. She’s like fifty years old, her name’s Baby, and he’s rockin’ her.” HAHAHAHAHAH. Oh no he did NOT just call her fifty. He’s so dead.
There’s nothing we can do about that now. Just try to not show it much out there.
Perfect! You’re going places.
Let me make you feel better by sexually harassing you on national TV.
Brandy’s number was overwrought and ridic. So let’s just look at Mak’s butt.
Maks, you didn’t show your butt enough and totally lost that dance for poor little Brandy.
I’m sorry that Carrie Ann has about as much dancing talent as the hula bobble on the dashboard of my Mustang. That is all.
Bristol’s safe! Brandy is not safe! Now you know how pedestrians feel. It’s down to Brandy and Kurt and….
Wait. Carrie Ann wants to take a moment and talk around an apology to Maks.
I have always respected the dancers. Sure I don’t know most of your names and no I won’t let you into my trailer for lunch or any other reason and yes I assign you bathroom cleaning duties but it’s not because I’m mean it’s because my pitgina gets sore after a wax so just let it go already whatever your name i….TIME’S UP!
Kurt’s OUT! How unfaaaaaaaaaaair! So what did you guys think? Should he have stayed? Is Carrie Ann a horror of a human? Did Len faht?
Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit