DWTS Results: Women Abuse is Not OK

Welcome to another week of Dancing With the Stars Results Pic Cap! Tonight, Florence sings with a machine and the longest running Broadway show not about cats or phantoms or poor miserables or things not tango is here! Let’s do this!

My mom can down eight boxes of Franzia in the time it takes for one episode of Wheel of Fortune to play out. Does that count for anything?

Last night on Dancing With the Stars….

The second circle of Hell formed! LUST = BAD. And so was Bristol, God bless her.

Rated Pretty Generally Lazy

Florence found numerous ways to look thin by posing like a ho behind Corky. Florence Henderson? Not dumb. Bitch been arooooound, k?

Brandy serenely got stuck in a jar of mayonnaise,..


…and Maks brooded around in the perfect outfit to hide his possible baby muffin top.


None of the women pictured above have heads. ABC is getting downright violent these days.

Told you. LAZY.

And Bruno was all fagtalian-y and stuff.

“Miraculoso Vundabar Salami Time-a!”

I pledge allegiance,
To the hags,
Of the United Gays of America.

For one gaypublic,
For which it stands.

One nation.


Under God.

Indivisible.


With liberty and justice for all.

Um….

 

Then that Kurt guy did this:

Don’t say I never give you nothin.

Then Len verbally teabagged the Sitch and Sitch got so mad he flashed his boobs and walked off the set!

Raaar! WAAAAHHHHH!

He was either really mad or had to run and give birth to his alien baby before it ripped itself out of his stomach. Look at that thing.

And then an asteroid hit the partner.

Right when we thought we’d seen everything, Florence started a fire to stand behind so she could look thinner.

Florence = Knows Her Shit

 

Scary Ann sipped on Diet Coke and munched on Pop Rocks while Florence performed. Not smart.

So you’re pretty much caught up on last night.

Tom tells us that tonight, they are gonna have to pull the plug on someone. I think it’s Bristol cuz when he said pull the plug a pic of her getting smothered popped up. I think Tom’s being witty.

We open tonight’s show with awkwardness.

Len just farted.

Ole Dead Eyes really upped the ante last night! The girl from the Hills turned out to be quite a little talent! Of course she knows how to do this:

You think I got famous with my facial expressions?

Brandy did a super artistic dance last night. It was about Maks leaving America for an extended while and sadly covering up his furniture before he left.

Len thought it was too sexy pants, or something. There are things you just shouldn’t do with your furniture.

What’s that creepy guy in man Spanx doing to that lamp?

Jennifer Grey’s foot hurt.

And so did her neck. And her back. And her upper forehead.

Someone needs an oil change!


Or not! That ole girl can run!

YAY!


OW! My hand! WAAH!

 

All three couples are safe! Tom says that the other couples will find their out their fart..er…fate…

That wacky Tom and his bloopers!

I founded outta da fart.

Hey, Regular People, what did you think about the show being done in the round last night?

Woah! You’re not a Regular Person! THE SITCH HAD HIS BABY!

Watchin that teenager who looks like Gary Coleman and Randy Jackson grind up on that older woman got me hotter n’ a tin roof in summertime. I was tremblin harder n’ a kitten in the rain. I want him to smash me like a penny on a train track.

Woah.

AmmIright?

I remember when I was a man and I went to see a show in the round. What was it called?

Brigadoon!
I knew there was something funny about you.

It can not be stressed enough. The Sitch has some super freaky looking shit on his stomach.

Code red we are on lockdown! THEY’VE ARRIVED!

If I could see any dance again, it would be Marie Osmand’s fainting!


Awkward. You’ll have to settle for the lady with a bad back neck and foot, k?


Yay Marie! I hope she kisses her brother.

You’re not leaving this table until you’ve eaten, young man.

Ow my back.


Ow my neck.

I think it’s a cowlick. Just stay still and let me fix it goddamit! OW! Fixing your hair hurt my foot!

Jesus woman you’ve had one line in fifteen minutes and you have to read it? And the “Longest running tango show in Broadway history” is coming up? What did it beat? It won that title on opening night. Bring back Useless Samantha!

Just walk.

My poor knee!

Your knee hurts? Well let me rub some liquid aspirin on your shoulder then.

Feel better? Good. Get on your knees.

Drop your fork and gtfo of my house you disrespectful bitch!


Bounty takes on the task of keeping Len’s chair clean. Good luck with that.

Hi! I’m Jamie Lee Curtis. You might recognize me from the films….
Hey! It’s the lady who eats poop yogurt! Can I have your autograph! You look so much smaller in person. Probably from pooping a lot, right honey? Get the camera!


You have been SO right. I can’t wait to poop!

Hope to poop.

What are the GooGoo Dolls doing on DWTS? What ever happened to pride? How many ounces are in a cup? This show and its burning questions.

Melissa Etheridge is lookin good.

Time will never steal my soul. My face? Yes. My underarm firmness? Yes. My ability to make it through the night without peeing? Yes. I forgot what I was singing about.

Uncle!

So guys be honest. Do you think Gary Coleman Randy Jackson has a chance with Lacey?

What’s the point in working out if you go shirtless and get 4s? I’ll stay fat, thank you.


Never mind! I just did fifty pushups. This show is turning me bipolar.


Close your mouth. No one rang the dinner bell, hooker.

Giiiiiiirl

Is it hypocritical that I preach abstinence and then do a sex dance? Maybe. But if it’s for procreation it’s ok, and I’m totally late so YAY.

Besides, if you use the backdoor it doesn’t count.

That’s true, right honey? Sarah Palin likes this post.

You’re hot.

You’re like forty.

Gary Coleman Randy Jackson is safe! Bristol is in jeopardy!

I didn’t sign up for that! I hate answering in questions!


No, babe, you’re not on Jeopardy. You’re in jeopardy.


Then get me out! That Alex Trebek guy is creepy!

Feel haggard?

Get brighter lighting.


EW. I think I dated this guy.


Sounds smart to me! You’re hired! Can I borrow twenty bucks?

I know this show is about glitter and the splits and abusing women, but there is a more important drama going on right now with all those trapped minors. Poor kids. Now back to something you care about! Glitter and the splits and vag shots in every single dance!

Seriously. Every. Single. Dance.

Rick and Cheryl are safe! And, as Tom adds, “freshly shaven!” Sure enough, Cheryl’s back is smooth as silk.

Freshly shaved.

Kurt’s not safe! Now let’s find out how to get a 10 score from Len!

Hope to God he’s applied his hemorrhoid cream and taken the time to relax to some Murder She Wrote episodes before the show. The End.

What’s asteroid cream?

Tom: “You all look like a bunch of scared spray tans.”
LOL!!!
“And stop squeezing my ass!”

And now the stars of the longest running Broadway show about tango! Next week maybe they can have the longest running show about a girl with superpowers that gets pigs blood thrown on her at prom.

Ran 21 performances. Record breaker!


I don’t get it. What’s this show about?


Well you gave us a vag shot so you can stay. Can’t kick off rule followers.

 

Now let’s welcome Florence and the Machine for their first acoustic performance ever!

Hey!That’s not a machine! Still though, great acting!

 

A machine this Florence needs: AutoTune. Desperately.

What are the bald guys doing to this chick? This number is creepy.

Woah, overeager Olive. A handshake will do.


I know you hid my wallet. I’ll find it, dammit!

 

This song asks “can you hear the horses?” Yes, I think I can. I think that sound is coming out of Florence.

All the neighing gave me a charlie horse.

So, Flo, everyone on the internet is calling you a whore after grinding all up on Corky last night. What say you?

Suck my dick, America.

So, Sitch. You finally showed your true colors last night and acted like a whiny baby. What say you?

To be fair, I was also seen on TV this week trying to put my tongue in Snooki’s mouth. You decide which is worsteded.

 

Remember last night? No? Then let me remind you.

The lyric that really hit home with me was “I need a place to hide away”.

You’re Mrs. Brady! Children are watching!

Cover your daughter’s eyes, Peter! (thanks cattyfan)

Stop staring at post birth Sitch!

 

When the clip of Sitch storming off the set was shown, the audience booed Sarah Palin.

Oh shit we’re gonna be seeing this on CNN tomorrow.

 

Florence is safe! The Sitch is in troubs! Unfortunately he doesn’t stutter and throw stuff.

If you don’t like it then stop watching the show.

 

After a segment about what the dancers’ real lives are like (starvation, jogging, cocaine, and general misery) we are back for some results! Sitch! Are you safe? Who can concentrate? Sitch is flexing his boobs. Tom makes a gay joke at Bruno. Drunk ass Tom.

People who sleep with Sitch? Not safe. No one who can move their boobs independently is std free. It’s a way the Universe balances shit out.

Still alive! YAY BALD PEOPLE!

Or you can never get your period again. HYSTERECTOMY. You’re welcome.

The Future Scan says Bristol Palin will be President one day. Don’t shoot the messenger. Shoot Dallas Rains.

We’ve saved six couples!

You’re a good person, Brooke. Now please stop trying to talk.

PS how miserable does she look right now?

To be embarrassed is one thing. To do it in your underwear is totally different. Poor dancers! Kurt is safe! It’s down to Bristol and Sitch! Sitch is out! Oh man I should have saved the Gay Pledge of Allegiance! What do you have to say for yourself?

It is what it is. Expect the unexpected. I’m not here to make friends. You threw me under the bus.

So, Sitch. I watched Jersey Shore and you are less disgusting here. How come?

Cuz this show is true gay and I think they appreciate working out more than those mooks.

 

The audience applauds. No not for you, Sarah Palin!

Sarah Palin doesn’t like this post.