DWTS: Rock Out With Your…er…Sock Out?

Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen!  Can you believe it, it is week 6 already!!  We are 60% of the way through this “lightly scripted, heavily influenced, biased judged but completely real” reality dance fest!

60% of the time, Brooke’s brain works every time!!!

I’m sure many of you spent the weekend watching Brady Bunch reruns to mourn the loss of dear Team Florky last week, but no more time for sadness-it’s rock week!  According to  The Berge, this means that they will be transforming the ballroom into a glitterdome and turning the volume up to 11.  Hmmm.  Tom, dear-this place is a glitterdome every time Bruno’s ass sashays in, and thanks for stealing my line from a couple of recaps ago, of which I stole fair and square from Spinal Tap.  Third hand stealing is just pathetic.  Sheesh.

So, I guess fans have been voting all season long on the Top 10 DWTS dances of all time.  Watching them back is better than seeing Moesha on my screen, but definitely not interesting enough to recap one by one.  For those who are interested, however, a list (and each one is hyperlinked to the appropriate clip on YouTube, to make up for my lack of caring recapping):

10. Shawn Johnson & Mark Ballas – Season 8 – Freestyle: “Do Your Thing”

9. Donny Osmond & Kym Johnson – Season 9 – Argentine Tango: “Tango A Pugliese” ( I do remember this dance, and it was flat out creepy-Donny was trying to channel “intensity” and instead came up with “serial killer”.  Freaky.)

8. Helio Castroneves & Julianne Hough – Season 5 – Quickstep: “Hey Pachuco”

7. Apolo Anton Ohno & Julianne Hough – Season 4 – Freestyle: “Bust A Move”

6. Joanna Krupa & Derek Hough – Season 9 – Futuristic Paso: “Living On Video”

5. Mel B & Maksim Chmerkovskiy – Season 5 – Paso Doble: “Free Your Mind”

4. Nicole Scherzinger & Derek Hough – Season 10 - ’50s Paso: “Spanish Guitar” (I freaking HATE PDoll more than most people-with the exception of maybe Moesha-but this choreography by Ken Doll is BRILLIANT.  A 50′s Paso?  Homey is definitely superior to us mere humans.)

3. Apolo Anton Ohno & Julianne Hough – Season 4 – Samba: “I Like To Move It”

2. Gilles Marini & Cheryl Burke – Season 8 – Argentine Tango: “Assasin’s Tango”

1. Drew Lachey & Cheryl Burke – Season 2 – Freestyle: “Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy” (Um, it was cute and all, but best dance of all time?  I suppose 98 Degrees fans have not much else to do this decade than vote for this.)

With that out of the way….let’s introduce our stars!!!

Oh. My. Word.  So, to whichever underworld demon Droopy made the deal with to get that body: call me.  I’ve got a soul to sell.

I thought this was Rock Week, not Halloween week?  Why is Slick dressed up as Lurch?

Aw, how sweet, Cute’s trying to be all tough and rockerish.  Too bad he still reminds me of a puppy dog-just one that needs a shave.

Damn it Bruno, we told you to stop fucking with the readerboard!  It’s ROCK week!

Audrina Patridge: Coming off a rough week with a less than sexy Rumba, our friend Droopy is determined to make up for it with a Paso Doble to “Another One Bites The Dust” by Queen.  Tony is very concerned that Droopy is going to struggle with the character of the Paso, because according to him, she is a “sweet, wholesome girl.”

Who looks like she needs a bit more practice before she headlines the mainstage.

To help Droopy get aggressive for the Paso, he decides to take her to a MMA training center to get her fight on.

Um, ok, so like, you want me to like, punch stuff?  Like, fruit punch?  Or like that really yummy stuff with the bubbles and the ice cream…wait, it’s not like, um, ice cream, it’s…what’s that stuff called?  Oh yeah, sherbet.  But wait.  Why is it, like, spelled s-h-e-r-b-e-t when most people say it like sure-bert.  I really don’t understand.  But, um, yeah, Sure, Bert, it’s yummy!

As they have every other week, Tony’s little field trip/guest/life lesson totally clears everything up for Droopy and she is sure she is now ready to conquer the Paso Doble.  It’s like a sitcom up in this bitch.

Now, I may be in the minority here but I really didn’t think their performance was that bad.  Droopy was a bit robotic and stiff, but she was definitely trying her hardest to feign aggressive.  She hit all her footwork, and can we please give her some credit for being about 62,498 times better than poor Tony’s last partner at the Paso?

Oh lord.  I’m still suffering from PTSD over last season thanks to this bitch .

Len begins the judging by telling Droopy she’s getting on his nerves-she has the potential to be great, her dancing is on pointe, but her character sucks.  Batshit Bruno thinks that Len was absolutely right and tells Droopy to be more like Eva Longoria.  WORST. ADVICE. EVER.  Carrie Ann tries to soften things up by agreeing with the guys but complimenting Droops on her improvement.

Score: 24

Kyle Massey: In case you forgot, Chubs got screwed by the judges last week, and not in the “Oh Maks, bend me over” good way.

Yes, viewers, Kyle got fucked.  We don’t trust you to vote the way we want you to.

I know some of you (and you know who you are, my darling, and I love you for it) are not fans of conspiracy theories.  But I really don’t believe this to be a conspiracy theory-I think it’s a straight up sham.  The judges are so blatantly inconsistent and ridiculous that my only rationale is that they are trying to steer the show in the direction they would like it to go.  In seasons past, at least they’ve been better at hiding it.  Last week was Kyle’s turn at being the fall guy, the week before was Cute.  Why do they do it?  I’m guessing they have an idea of who draws in the most viewers (which doesn’t necessarily correlate with votes-not all viewers are voters) and they want them to stick around until the very end.  Not to mention, a “Shocking! Elimination!” and some manufactured drama does not hurt in keeping people interested.  Just my two cents, and definitely not fact.  Please don’t hurt me.

So, back to Chubs.  He’s having a hard time picking up the steps this week, but he’s knows it’s necessary for him to have a great comeback week.  It doesn’t help that he’s got Chuberella yelling at him and practicing her ridiculous faces in the mirror:

Babe, I know you were just practicing, but I saw you on Ellen last week.  Do yourself a huge favor and GET A STYLIST.  You’ll thank me later.

I seriously think that is why she is always mugging for the camera…she is one of those chicks that love to watch themselves talk in a mirror so they can practice enunciating everything just right to make their faces look as dramatic and skinny as humanly possible.  Not that I would know anyone like that.  Ahem.

Chubs is worried he’s not getting enough studio time this week, so he records Lacey performing his steps so he can rehearse at home.  With his brother.  In drag.

He’s cuter than Lacey, I’ll give him that.

Other than the fact that Lacey must have stinkpalmed someone in the costume department AGAIN, as she was given the most unflattering dress I have ever seen, their Tango to “If I Had You” by Adam Lambert was actually pretty good.  The footwork was on, but it seemed as if Chubs was concentrating so hard on not fucking it up that he was too distracted to turn on the charm-his strongest asset.

Batshit thought the footwork was so much better, as was the entire dance.  Carrie Ann likes how he always throws in some “Kyle Style”, but noted one spot where he screwed up.  Len said he’s “not going to sack you, I’m going to back you tonight.”  And I’m leaving that very much alone.

Score: 23

Jennifer Grey: Call the WAHmbulance, cause J. Grey’s up next with a Paso to “So What” by Pink.  Hmmm, a Paso to that song?  I use it for my last hill climb on the elliptical, can’t really imagine doing a Paso to it.  Luckily for our star whiner, she’s got RoboHough choreographing.

They just upgraded my software last week.  I’ve got this covered.

She’s just lucky she got him in general.  As Vallegirl so astutely pointed out last week, these self absorbed bitches (Nicole, J.Grey, et al) are so lucky they pulled him out of the hat.  Maks would have already slapped a trick and driven them to check into Promises for “exhaustion”…and Ken Doll here just puts up with their shit and totally placates them, and makes them look great on the dance floor.  If J.Grey knew what was best for her, she’d shut her fucking mouth and ride the robot right into the finale.

Ken Doll thinks the Fox Trot never sat well with J.Grey, but that she shouldn’t have a problem with the Paso because she is so passionate.  Read: obnoxiously melodramatic.

Those are not special effects, those are safety valves venting some of the narcissism out of the ballroom before the normal people suffocate.

Holy crap, the dance was actually not great!  J.Grey took it way too far-she was completely out of control, so much that Ken Doll couldn’t even reign her in.  Which is surprising-homeboy is so good he can actually screw up his steps to match his partner’s off timing, to make them both look ON TIME.  That’s good.  Their holds were sloppy, and there were quite a few footwork gaffes.  Either J.Grey has finally gone CRAYZAY, or Ken Doll is done with this season and ready to let her crash and burn.

Carrie Ann scolds J.Grey like a child, telling her to calm down (hand motions and all) because she is WAY out of control.  She is like, the chosen one, and she totally screwed that up.  Yet J.Grey is not upset over the critique at all.  Maybe a big plot to knock her off the pedestal just so she can make an “amazing” comeback next week?  Who knows.  Len likes that she got the attack, aggression, and attitude, but that she totally lost control.  Batshit says she got the rage right, but had no quality of movement.

Score: 20

Rick Fox: Slick has been told the last three weeks that he needs to turn up the romance, and he’s hoping third time’s the charm with the Tango this week, danced to “You Really Got Me” by Van Halen.  Slick is just chillin’ on the bubble, sliding right by.  His scores are mediocre, and seemingly, so is his fan support-I don’t think he’s nearly as likable or as popular as Kurt.  I’m wondering when the bubble is going to pop?  Also?  I hate Mophead and want her gone.  That is all.

I actually need to stop talking shit and invite this bitch over for a drink-I have some hardwoods that could use a good polishing.

Slick took a page from Droopy’s book tonight, and confused aggressive and intense for stern, stiff, and robotic.  Which isn’t the best plan when you’re six foot freaking seven and dressed like Neo Meets Mad Max Meets Lurch.  It just comes off strangely.

Rocky Whore Picture Show

Len, because he was put on this earth to fuck with me, thought it was great and commends Slick on his hold.  Batshit loved the attack, comparing it to the “Last of the Mohicans”.  Carrie Ann thought it was amazing, intense and passionate.  I’m beginning to wonder if we were watching the same routine.

Score: 24

Bristol Palin: Bristol has been given the task of following up her worst week yet with a Tango to “According to You” by Orianthi.  In the biggest surprise of the night, Bristol actually found herself a personality!  The song they are dancing to has a few big guitar solos, and she wants to break hold and air guitar it up.  Mark Balls is worried they may get in trouble, but figures it’s a risk worth taking since they got away with the monkey costumes and girl has to figure out some way to show some emotion other than….

Dear God, someone please get me the fuck out of Alaska and away from all these fucktards I’m surrounded by.  I just wanna dance!!!

Mark then decides to give her an air guitaring tutorial seeing how he’s a rockstar and all, yo.  First thing you think of when you see Mark Balls, isn’t it?  Not that his dad is named fucking Corky and he’s got a goofy little jew fro, but that he’s been rocking out his ENTIRE LIFE.  Duh.

And Bristol’s a nun.  Hey, I figured out your Halloween costumes for you!  You’re welcome.

Like a few contestants before her, Bristol was a bit on the pissed off robot side of things, but it was such a huge freaking improvement that I’m not even going to hate on her.

Jam out with your clam out, sister!

Batshit calls it her best performance and the best improvement of the night.  Carrie Ann wants to know who Bristol is, because everything was so much better.  Len tells her that he will have to drop them a point for breaking hold, but that the personality was a nice touch.

Score: 23 (Go Mama!)

Kurt Warner: Hmmm….Cute Warner.  Latin Ballroom.  Tough guy character.  Forgive me if I’m a bit concerned-it’s just not his bag, baby!  He does so much better with traditional ballroom, and a little bit of cheese.  I mean, he’s so freaking nice, that if he hadn’t put me on his payroll thrown me a bit of attention, I’d be roasting the hell out of him for being SO goody two shoes.  But I can’t, because we’re in love we follow each other on Twitter.

Not only is Cute having trouble picking up the steps and the attitude of the Paso, he looks exhausted and not really into it this week.  Poor Cute.

Hey Cute, latin ballroom may not be your thing, but at least you can take solace in the fact that you quit the NFL before you started embarrassing yourself-or your leg fell off. (*cough*favre*cough*)

In an attempt to get Cute all rocked out and possibly score him some STD’s, Anna gets Bret Michaels to stop by and lend some advice-and fashion tips.

This fall on VH1: “Cute of Love, New King Brett Edition”

And on MTV: “A Double Shot at Herpes: Two old guys instead of skanky twins”

Note to cute: You almost pulled off the rocker look, but next time: don’t tuck in your shirt with a Brooks Brothers belt-dead giveaway.

And oh, my friends, the performance.  It pains me to even talk about it.  I was screaming at the TV, threw the remote, “Kurt!  Don’t fucking do this to me!  If you suck I’m going to have to make fun of you and I don’t want to do it!  Why do you make me hurt you?  Ahhhhhh!!!”  It was rough.

Carrie Ann commented on his scruffy face, but that the dance was scruffy as well, and lacked polish.  Len saw what Cute was trying to pull off, but that it came off very awkward.  Batshit knows he worked very hard, but he looked as if he was practicing karate instead of spanish dancing.  Yikes.

Score:  18 (Double yikes.)

Brandy: Fucking Moesha.  And poor, poor Baby Daddy.  May I remind you of happier Baby Daddy days?

Before the Moesha-induced muffin top and sitting next to a hot blonde.  Just the way I like him.

Baby Daddy must be a stress eater too.  I feel ya, lovebug.  I’d shove my face too if I had to watch Mo with her Section 8 do-rag flailing all over rehearsals like fucking Bambi learning how to ice skate.

Why don’t you instead make like Bambi’s mom and DIE?

She decides to throw a temper tantrum and walks out crying.  Baby Daddy is used to dealing with crazy bitches thanks to me, and feeds her a line about him being pained over her crying and that she needs to trust them as a couple.  Yeah, and I need to lay off the vodka and pharmaceuticals, but some shit just ain’t going to happen.

They come out tangoing to “Holding Out For a Hero” by Bonnie Tyler, and I actually thought it was as suckish as J.Grey’s dance-very forced and out of control.  At first I was excited because they put Baby Daddy in leather pants, but they must have been from Lacey’s wardrobe because they were not hot at all.  What a letdown.

Well, except for in this picture.  Yum.

As Baby Daddy said to E!Online:  ”Lets just say that my thighs and above are a little bigger than your average rocker’s so I guess the tight leather pants are just not for me. It’s safe to assume it’s not going to happen again.”  And above?  Sign me up, hot stuff.  Rawr.

I can barely watch judging thanks to Moesha’s ready for Lifetime Movie Network overacting, but Len says that Maks is his hero, and the dance was well done.  Batshit earns his nickname by comparing Brandy to Tina Turner, and Carrie Ann says that it appears that Mo has earned her wings, despite a few missteps.  Well, then fly, fly away, Hoodrat.

Score: 26

Because we have had not nearly enough filler to pay the bills tonight, we will be ending the show with a “Rock And Roll Marathon”-one of the group dances featuring Lindy Hop, Swing, and Jive moves with lifts allowed.  All the couples will dance at the same time, with one couple tapped out at a time until only one, the winner, is remaining.  The first couple out will earn 4 points, through to the winner who will earn 10.  Historically, I have found the marathon to be kind of lame, with the judges kicking people out in the order of how they’re ranking on the leaderboard, not how they are actually dancing in the marathon.

Tonight was no different.

1st out, with 4 points-Kurt and Anna

next, 5 points-Bristol and Mark

next, 6 points-Rick and Cheryl

next, 7 points-Kyle and Lacey

next, 8 points-Audrina and Tony

in second place, with 9 points-Jennifer and Derek

Winners-10 points-Brandy and Maks

I really, really loathe to have to take up for J.Grey, but they totally had this over Mo and Baby Daddy.  Mo was completely out of steam and Baby Daddy just kept throwing her over his shoulder for a few counts, then throwing her ass back on the floor to make it look like a lift.  J.Grey and Ken Doll were tired too, but J.Grey was still way more into it than Mo and you know the Robot was still going strong.  Whatever.  You’ll have to excuse my shitty attitude and slight apathy tonight, it’s just hard to still get excited about this when they aren’t even trying to hide the bias and the rigging anymore.

So this evening’s leaderboard ended up like so:

Brandy & Maks: 26 +10 =36

Audrina & Tony: 24 +8 =32

Kyle & Lacey: 23 +7 =30

Rick & Cheryl: 24 +6 =30

Jennifer & Derek: 20 +9 = 29

Bristol & Mark: 23 +5 =28

Kurt & Anna: 18 +4 = 22

I will tell you this, though-you are definitely going to want to check out Flipit’s results recap, because for once it wasn’t just network hyperbole-it was actually a shocking elimination!  Whoo hoo!  Stay awesome and pass the love around, my Gasmic Darlings!

Love and Bubbles,

HappyHousewife