DWTS: Round Stage, Sex in Old Age

Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen!  Another week, another episode of everyone’s favorite drag show, Dancing With The Stars.  What has happened since we last parted, you ask?  I was unfortunately halfway correct in my prediction, and my favorite fag hag (other than myself, that is) Large Marge was sent packing.

Now the only question left is who is this poor guy going to get stuck with next season?

My guesses:

Now THAT is a partnership I want to see!

This week’s theme was a whole new frontier for DWTS-acoustic week, featuring a more “intimate” round stage allowing closer access for the in-studio audience.  Curious to see how bad the house band can continue to completely slaughter perfectly good songs even without amplifiers and such.

“Bringing on random MTV stars and political children hasn’t helped our ratings like we thought it would, so let’s switch up the stage and hope someone falls to their death!  Bwa ha ha ha ha.”

Also-no one was correct in choosing the song to which Cute dances to!  So the vodka contest continues!  Next week is going to be TV theme week-you guys tell me what song you think Moesha is going to be popping her booty to, and if you’re right, I will send you the bottle of vodka of your choice!!  Hint: it will be an unlearned dance from weeks 1-4, so Mo’s options are: the ChaChaCha, Quickstep, Foxtrot, Waltz, or Argentine Tango.  I will totally throw in the gin to complete your martini if you get the dance right too!

But, back to this week.  Our couples will be receiving two scores from zee judges, one for performance, and one for technique, in a unnecessarily named “Double Score Showdown!”.

Double Whore Showdown!

In other words, more chances for our “esteemed” (I’m guessing “esteemed” is to “will work for cheap” like “activist” is to “slut”.  I would know this because I got a 1370 on the SAT’s.  Yes, I need a double dose of ritalin to remember to feed the freaking cat, but I can go all Doogie Howser on a standardized test.  I don’t get it either.) panel to completely contradict themselves and each other with every couple.  Fabulous!

The text bubbles are on a rotation, just to confuse us all.

I was very sad to find out that the changing of the set this week meant no grand entrance on the staircase, dwindling my chances to see someone eat shit even further.

Judging by the stuff on his upper lip, I got my wish anyhow!

We wear pants in public in the lower 48, sweetie.

Hi Anna.  Yes, I love Cute too.  I’ll fight you for him later, you homewrecker!

The pros give us their thoughts on the round, elevated stage they will be performing on tonight.  Lacey informs us that the audience will be so close, they will be able to feel the dancers sweat.

Smells like bacon and peroxide.

100 Proof tells us that dancing to acoustic music is hard enough for a professional, let alone for our poor stars, who will have to be extra in touch with their musicality.

Just like I’m in touch with my plastic surgeon and his lip filler.  They don’t have this stuff in Russia, only used cooking oil and dirty syringes!

All the couples will be dancing either an Argentine Tango or a Rumba tonight.  Chelsie and Cabana Boy will show us how a Rumba should be danced, which I had to watch on mute thanks to Howls McOffkey destroying one of my favorite songs, “Chasing Pavement” by Adele.

HappyHousewife, will you make this a trio?  Why yes, yes I will.

First up tonight is the one, the only, my favorite…

Kurt Warner: Cute is coming off a very successful fox trot last week, that suited him and his regal carriage very well.  This week, he and Anna will be dancing a Rumba to “Drops of Jupiter” by Train…yay, another one of my favorite songs for The Suck Band to ruin.  Cute thinks this week’s double score showdown will really separate some couples from the pack, because you have to excel in both performance and technique.

Cute is also adorably freaked out about the Rumba because he doesn’t feel comfortable performing such an intimate dance with someone who is not his wife.  Normally I would make a joke about how cheesy and bullshit that statement must be, but I actually believe it coming from Cute.  And doesn’t every wife want to believe that her husband would say the same thing?  (“No, honey, calm down, I only went to Hooters for the grilled cheese sandwiches.  They’re the best.”-absolutely true line that HappyHusband tried to feed me once.)

It’s okay, Cute, I’m pretty sure The Commandments only mention Adultery, not Rumba.

Cute’s wife Brenda and Anna’s husband Jonathan showed up at the studio to give their blessings to the Rumba at hand.

And judging by the looks on their faces, possibly set up a wife swap as well.  (Sorry Cute, it’s just a joke!)

Cute’s wife tells him it’s all good, that he just needs to play his role and sell the passion so he and Anna can win.  Then she probably smacked him around when they got home.  I mean, don’t all wives do that?  I want to play it all cool in front of his friends, then when we get home I put his balls back in my purse where they belong.

As for the performance at hand, it wasn’t Cute’s best but it certainly wasn’t awful.  He tends to extend his arms like he’s motioning to linebackers, but his hip action was greatly improved from rehearsal, and as usual, he gets an A for effort and attitude.  His charm and willingness to try hard just radiates from him.

Len seems to have finally jumped on the Cute train with the rest of us, and compliments his hip action and the connection between he and Anna.  He didn’t like his pivots, though.  Batshit must have gotten flogged extra this week, because he says “the boss is right” in reference to Len, then calls Cute out on his short unextended arm movements.  Carrie Ann wraps things up by declaring that she loved the performance, and that Cute and Anna have a natural chemistry.  She thought that Cute wasn’t just dancing with Anna, he was dancing with the whole audience, even if his arms were a bit on the stubby side.

Technique Score: 15 (I’m not saying this just because I’m Cute’s number one stalker, but fives were completely unfair.  The only things they critiqued were his arms and slight pivot issues.  It was otherwise technically sound-deserved at least 6′s, if not a 7 or two.)

Performance Score: 19 (BOO)

Total Score: 34

Brandy:  Oh lord, again, can I just skip this one?  I had some crazy Moesha fan stalking me on Twitter this week and trying to tell Moesha’s mom (who is the person she inherited the crazy and penchant for homicide from, I’m sure) that she should sue me for talking shit.  Now, while I am the queen of talking smack, newsflash: you can’t sue me if what I’m saying is true, idiot.  Go back to your Walmart and National Enquirers and Camel Lights and stay off the internet before you hurt yourself.  Shit.

Moesha and Baby Daddy have been assigned a Rumba to “This Woman’s Work” by Maxwell.  Mo’s having a hard time getting into the sexiness of the dance because she only feels sexy when she’s in love, and she hasn’t been with anyone in six years.

Babe-newsflash.  You don’t need a man.  Get yourself a vibrator, and play back Maks’ accent.  What else do you need?

In one of the more disgusting displays of producer setups, Baby Daddy takes Moesha out for a completely spontaneous and not set up romantic dinner.  He gives her wine, flowers, chocolates, and still she complains.  And she wonders why she doesn’t have a man?  For whatever reason (cough*a bonus check*cough) he puts up with her bullshit, pretends he likes her per her request, and and successfully woos her into the romantic mood necessary for their Rumba.

Other than being totally distracted by the fact that Mo was wearing what amounted to a tulle curtain over a white sequin diaper and her random “Now Appearing On The Mainstage….Sparkles!” solos, it was a perfectly adequate Rumba, I suppose.  It lacked a lot of the hip action, body contact, and sizzle I would like to see, but it was technically sound.

Batshit loved the sensuality, and actually thought Baby Daddy and Mo looked like lovers, but thought she was a bit erratic in parts.  Carrie Ann has been waiting for the real Moesha to show up, and thought that she really showed her true self in that crock of shit.  Len thought the technique was very good, but thought the performance was a bit too spicy-huh?

Hey Maks, it looks like you got a little too much of Brandy’s bitch in your hair.  Gotta wash that shit out.

Technique Score: 22

Performance Score: 26

Total Score: 48

Rick Fox: Slick and Mophead will be performing an Argentine Tango tonight, to the tune of “Violentango” by Astor Piazzola.  One other difference about this week-lifts are allowed.  I would have to say that Argentine Tango is quite possibly my most favorite ballroom dance, so I really hope these two don’t screw it up too badly-but I’m not betting the farm on it or anything.

Did someone say farm, or was that just me oinking again?

HappyHousewife, will you please stop verbally abusing the contestants?  It is my job to tell the female pros that they are fat.

Sorry Baby Daddy, I will try to contain myself.

Well, well, well.  It seems that my nemesis and I have something in common: we are both fans of the Argentine Tango.  It is so much her favorite that she went to Argentina this summer to learn the dance again from the ground up.  We will not speak of the back alley liposuction she also received while she was there.

Why didn’t she take me with her? After last week, everyone knows I could use a little nip and tuck.

Mophead and Slick will be incorporating lifts into their routine this week, and Slick is excited because he can use his height, but is worried that he may throw Mophead right off the smaller stage.  He wants to be extra careful not to drop her, because she could really get hurt due to the elevation of the dance floor.  (He’s trying to cover for the bribe I gave him to break her leg.)

You won’t like me when I’m angry!!!  Or shirtless.

Rivalry aside, I was really hoping for a really great tango, what with Mophead’s pilgrimage to the motherland and everything, but was a bit disappointed.  Slick seemed very stiff and uncomfortable, and I was totally mesmerized (not in good way) by the porn ‘stache he was rocking.  And while Mophead is usually really good at selling the dances and making her partners look really, really good-she was lacking the characteristic sharpness and almost severity one likes to see in an ArgTango.  Bummer.

Carrie Ann was also disappointed in the performance, saying that it felt one-dimensional and lacked passion.  Len thought the lifts were excellent and well-suited to the tango, but he also saw the lack of crispness in the legs.  Batshit liked that Slick came out Clark Gable style, but that the dance didn’t follow all the way through.

Technique Score:  19

Performance Score: 20

Total Score: 39 (The judges had many more negative things to say to Slick about his dance than to Cute for his.  So why did Slick score higher?  I call shenanigans.  SHENANIGANS!!!)

Kyle Massey: Ah, The Chubby Twins (thanks KittKatt!), here just in time to make me laugh and feel better about myself and my waistline.

I’m guessing these two won’t be lifting anything but eyebrows and milkshakes.

And luckily they won’t have to, because they’re doing a Rumba to “Nothin On You” by B.o.B.  Chubs is pretty sure he just needs to work on perfecting his footwork because he has got “the sexy” down, but Lacey’s not so sure because he’s just a kid.

And I can tell you that I’m absolutely sure that your random ugly Punky Brewster braid is not sexy at all.

Lacey’s biggest challenge is overcoming the smaller stage and stripped down music, because you can’t hide any bad technique with over the top performance.

The Suck Band was kind enough to give one of HappyKindergartener’s classmates a job rapping on the song that The Chubby Twins danced to, so that was nice.  As for the Rumba, well, it was definitely not Chubs best performance.  It seemed that he and Lacey tried to make up for their lack of technique with dry humping, and it kind of made me throw up in my mouth a little.

Len actually thought Chubs improved his footwork and performed well, but he did not like the staccato feel of the dance.   Batshit also liked the performance aspect, but noted the lack of flow too.  Carrie Ann thought the dry humping was innocent and nonsexual, and appreciated that.  She also noted an improvement in footwork, but thought that Chubs sacrificed his upper body to do so.

Technique Score: 18

Performance: 22

Total Score: 40

The Situation: The 100 Proof Predicament is back in full effect this week, preparing an Argentine Tango for our, er, enjoyment I guess?  They’ll be dancing it to the Tango version of “Sweet Dreams” by the Eurythmics, so not only is The Situation raping pop culture, he’s raping classic musical hits as well.  Awesome.

They want to use Predicament’s strength to their advantage in this dance, so 100 Proof is planning on including many complicated lifts.  GTL-Gym! Tango! Lifts!

So is this what all the young kids call “smushing”?

Aw, I’m so proud of our little Predicament, he’s actually trying!  That’s the biggest thing I noticed about this dance-he actually seemed like he was trying really hard!  It was basic, he’s still a bit robotic, but they nailed all of their lifts, and some of them were super hard-especially the 360.

Extras from the set of “Mediocrefellas”

Batshit was harder on him than I thought he’d be, calling it a terrible mess and saying there was an incredible amount of mistakes.  Carrie Ann was nicer, noting his improvement and complimenting his abs.  Len said at least it was consistently awful.

Technique Score:  12

Performance Score: 16

Total Score: 28

Florence Henderson: One of my favorite couples, Florky (thanks @IndyFan18always!) will be throwing it back to their generation with a Rumba to “Yesterday” by The Beatles.   Corky describes the Rumba as a “vertical representation of a horizontal desire.”  Oh, vomit.

Corky really wants to go racy with the dance, and Aunt Flo is worried that she can sometimes get carried away, so they pull in her daughter and Mark Balls, Corky’s son, to judge whether their moves are dignified or not.

The moves they were showing were obviously completely over the top for the sake of the intro package, and while normally I find geriatric sex extremely disgusting, it was pretty freaking funny.  Hopefully it was just a joke…oh lord, let it be a joke…

Get your barf bags, folks….

Actually, I didn’t think it was ridiculously raunchy, and I get why they chose this tactic.  They knew they would never be able to pull off a truly sexy Rumba, so their only choice was to ham it up and go the funny route.  I get it.  I’m still a bit skeeved, but I get it.

Carrie Ann is totally shocked, asking, “What was that?  You’re Mrs. Brady!”  She thought that it was cool that age didn’t get in their way, but she actually thinks it might have gone a little too far.  Len thought it was much better than last week, then his boner dictated that he must shut up.  Bruno has seen better, but enjoyed the spiciness of their performance.

Technique Score: 17 (Aunt Flo got a higher score than Cute?!?!  SHENANIGANS!!!!)

Performance Score:  18

Total Score: 35

Jennifer Grey: JGrey fucked it all up last week, but is glad she did because it’s super hard to be at the top of the leaderboard and now she has room to improve.  I’m just surprised she didn’t cry about it.

But not to worry, we will get our fair share of drama from our resident whiner this week because basically everything in her body hurts and she is going to make sure we know about every ache and pain.  But girlfriend is competitive, and she is determined to handle Ken Doll’s choreography and become the Argentine Tango queen.

Better than a cranky old queen, I suppose.

Holy shit.  I’ll tell you what-that action figure can freaking choreograph!  Their routine was everything you want to see in an Argentine Tango-her footwork was light, quick, precise, sharp, and looked absolutely effortless.  Ken Doll whipped her around the dance floor in every which way and they both looked perfect while doing it.  Love love love.

I’ll never be as nice to the two of you again, so enjoy it!!

Len thought it was everything he looks for in a tango, and absolutely fabulous.  Batshit raved over the intricacy and perfection of the technical execution.  Carrie Ann thought it was AMAZING!

Technique Score: 27

Performance Score: 29 (First 10′s of the season!)

Total Score: 54

Bristol Palin: Bristol and Mark Balls will be taking on the task of a Rumba, danced to “Umbrella” by Rihanna.  I’m very curious to see how the extremely shy and reserved Bristol is going to pull off sexy Rumba.

Oh come on, the fact that my vagina is all mangled from pushing out Douchespawn is TOTALLY sexy.

Mark Balls is concerned too, because the Rumba and Bristol have nothing in common.  Not true, Mark!  They both contain the letter B.  As in Balls.  So there.  Bristol has so much potential-she has such a cute figure in her little leggings and heels.  And when she smiles, she’s truly a pretty girl.  She’s just got to work it like the rent is due, honey!

Once I acclimated my ears to the awful tone deaf singing of The Suck Band, I was able to see that Bristol is so inconsistent.  She literally goes from on to off within seconds, all the way through the routine.  Also, Mark must like sloppy seconds ’cause he totally wants to hit it.

I just close my eyes really tight and hum and then I end up pregnant.  I don’t get it!

Batshit called Bristol out on her inconsistency, and told her she’s going to have to figure out a way to stay “on” for the whole performance if she wants to make it.  Carrie Ann sees her potential and the pretty pictures she makes with her lines, but she doesn’t see enough effort, and wants more intensity.  Len pitches Mark some shit for getting all nakey on the dance floor, and says he wants to see more partnership.

Technique Score:  18

Performance Score: 14

Total Score: 32

Audrina Patridge: Droopy and Tony are going to be tangoing it up to “Somebody to Love” by Jefferson Airplane, and I feel like I haven’t done nearly enough drugs tonight to understand this performance, which is saying a lot because y’all know how fucked up I am on a regular basis.

Droopy is like, totally shocked and stoked too, you guys, because, you know, like only five years ago, she was like, only a receptionist at a photo studio which was so randomly set up by the MTV producers and now she’s like, you know, a freaking front-runner on Dancing With The Stars!  Which is like, you know, so totally better because it’s like, um…..well…you know….one of the smaller channels instead of one of the big numbered channels?

You mean you’re on network television now instead of cable?

Yeah, sure!  That’s totally what I meant!  Except even now when I watch myself dance, you know, there is like totally one of those black cords attached to my TV so I think I’m still on cable because, like, if the shows don’t get blasted through that cord thingy then how else would I see them?  You don’t think it’s like, coming through the walls, do you?  Oh EM Gee, you guys, get the tinfoil!!

Droops knows nothing about the tango, which makes Tony happy because that means she’s a blank slate.  Yeah.  Tony, that is the truest thing you’ve said all season.

She’s struggling with the character necessary for the Tango-you have to be forceful, passionate, and a little mean-which couldn’t be further from who Audrina really is.  And she doesn’t want to squint, y’all, cause she could like, get wrinkles and stuff.

Ok, Tony, but you have to promise me that if I make an icky face, you know, it like, won’t stay like this forever.

One thing I noticed, that was confirmed by our on-set Gasmic Spy Hollagirl2, is that Droops needs to eat a freaking burger or something.  This particular costume really accentuates how thin she is.  Skinny aside, it was a nice Tango.  A bit slow for my tastes, a bit too robotic, and definitely not as WOW as KenDoll/JGrey.  But still very good.

Carrie Ann enjoyed the routine, but thinks that Droopy needs to work harder at pointing her toes and dismounting.  Len thought it was clean and had good lifts, but didn’t dig the music.  Batshit liked the difficulty, but agreed that Droopy didn’t point her feet enough.

Technique Score: 24

Performance Score: 22

Total Score: 46

Ok, my Gasmic Darlings, the scoreboard wraps up like this:

Jennifer Grey & Derek Hough: 56

Brandy & Maks Chmerkovskiy: 48

Audrina Patridge & Tony Dovolani: 46

Kyle Massey & Lacey Schwimmer: 40

Rick Fox & Cheryl Burke: 39

Florence Henderson & Corky Ballas: 35

Kurt Warner & Anna Trebunskaya: 34

Bristol Palin & Mark Ballas: 32

The Situation & Karina Smirnoff: 28

It’s freaking 3 am on Wednesday morning so unfortunately the results were already spoiled for me, so I have to refrain from making my weekly prediction.  I won’t ruin it for those of you who haven’t watched yet, though, so no spilling it in the comments!  Speaking of comments, my kids are going to be up and demanding Fruit Loops in about four hours, so y’all better tell me really nice things to make up for my lack of sleep!  I’ll just make an extra pot of coffee-my special XanaxRitalin Dark Roast.  Yum.

Love and Bubbles,

HappyHousewife