DWTS: This is a Dance Show, Right?

Have you ever had a moment, watching a reality competition show, where you realize that things don’t seem to be going the way you think, nay, feel they should? That some people are being excused for gaffs that would land another person on the guillotine, writhing in protest, to no avail? And then you catch yourself griping at the television and agreeing with LEN FRACKING GOODMAN, and you realize you have well and truly lost your grip and it’s all the fault of that damn show? NONE OF THIS HAPPENED TO ME, I SWEAR. IT’S ALL HYPOTHETICAL. But if one were to react in such a fashion (hypothetically speaking), this week’s elimination episode would have been the one to send a certain BlueCanary shrieking into the abyss that has claimed so many souls before hers.

And therein lieth the beast who feedeth upon them.

Because there are only six couples left and plenty of air time to fill, Production has changed the routine on us at the last minute—this week, they’ve split into groups and danced together, adding that score to their individual routines, and they replayed all of it for us on the recap show. I was fully bored by Hines, Kendra, and Kirstie, but Romeo, Chelsea, and My Schnookums worked that OUT. I do admit, however, to being slightly disturbed by the ferocity My Schnookums put into the bumpin’ and grindin’. This led me to conclude that my love for him is truly chaste, frozen in time in 1984. It’s all for the best, I guess, since we both belong to others and have never met. Anyway.

I know Bruno said bring the sex, but we can just forget about all that, mmmkay?

Turns out, Schnookums really pumped up the volume on Monday, because he pulled down a 10! Naturally, the judges couldn’t just let him bask in the top spot alone for thirty seconds, because Hines also scored a 10, and they are tied for the lead. Kirstie and Romeo are on the bottom, which is quite the departure from last week, at least in Romeo’s case. Looks like Romeo must have accidentally scraped the magic off his leprechaun footwear before he took to the floor to perform his Samba. Kendra and Chelsea are loitering in the middle of the pack, and you just know that’s chapping the hell out of Chelsea’s ass. She’s been preening at the top with that smug fuck Mark since week two, and now here she is, lumped in with all the riffraff and their silicone funbags. That has to sting.

Just look what it’s done to Mark, for the love of God.

Len decided he wanted to see the Cha Cha trio of Romeo, Schnook, and Chelsea again, because it was less boring than the other group dance, so we have to sit through Lady Gaga’s self-proclaimed gay anthem again. I was in the unique position on Monday of possessing one of the only pairs of ears in the free world that had literally never heard that song before (yeah, not so much up on the pop music scene), but I can safely say that the one time was quite enough for me, so let’s skip ahead.

First up are Hines and Kym vs. Kirstie and Maks. The contrast is almost mean. Hines has been at the top almost every single week, and Kirstie has fucked up colossally almost every week…including this week, when she forgot they were supposed to be dancing and started performing her own personal stage show instead. Maybe she was distracted by all the sequins on her god-awful costume? Really, Maks—for shame. If you insist on shoehorning her into a sparkly cat suit, leopard shoes with matching bra strap, then tying a tutu around it all and calling it a day, the least you could do is make sure your own purple shirt is a matching shade. Where’s Louis with the perfectly coordinated bowties when you need him? Of course, maybe Maks was hoping to distract us from the flagging energy, sloppy steps, and wild-eyed insanity that passed for Kirstie’s routine this week. I know the judges and audience love her (even though she caught shit from Carrie Ann and Len for not dancing), but there’s no way they can keep giving her a pass this late in the game. They can’t overlook all her mistakes and let her slip past those who are stepping it up and really rocking the soles off their dancing shoes, can they?

hough someone, somewhere, thought this outfit was a good idea, so anything’s possible, I guess.

Hines and Kym cranked out their usual smooth routine on Monday with a Tango, despite the fact that he, judging from his outfit, clearly arrived at the competition straight from his side gig as a waiter. Will the judges agree that sunshine and rose petals stream freely from his very bunghole? Of course they will! Though Len remarks on having mixed feelings and gets a rain of shit from the crowd, Bruno leaps from his seat to proclaim his love for the Hines/Kym duo. He doesn’t have as much room to gesticulate tonight, what with Donnie crowding up the panel, but he’s not letting that stop him. But wait: Carrie Ann calls out Hines for some flaws, too! Could the darling of the season be teetering off his golden pedestal at last? Donnie thought the performance was understated, though did say Hines danced from the heart. Hines is like wallpaper to me, and I just don’t get why Bruno flung that 10 in the air. What the hell? That wasn’t even Hines’s best routine. This is fixed! Donnie whipped out a surprise 10 for Schnook, and Bruno is trying to throw that off balance! Fuck you, Bruno!

Oops, looks like he farted on her again. Poor Kym would probably trade that 10 for a breath of clean air right about now.

Wow, Hines and Kym are safe. Let me just pick my jaw up off the floor before it gets all dusty. Kirstie and Maks are still in jeopardy, and Maks looks PISSED. He called her out immediately after the routine for acting instead of dancing, and I’m sorry, but her sweetness and personality, which can admittedly out-sparkle the sparkliest of Louis’s bowties, is not quite making up for her bullshit at this point. The question is, just how far will they take her? Will she be able to make it to the end without actually performing her routines, or what? Dancing and acting is like walking and gum, people.

Not exactly Mensa quality, is what I'm saying.

So we’re two couples in, and apparently have plenty of time to kill, so Nicki Minaj performs one of her many hits. Then, because dancing saves souls and breeds dreams (or something), we have to hear all about Patricia Zhou, a 17 year old prodigy who overcame her Tiger Mom to become a member of the London Royal Ballet after starting late at age 13. Apparently, you pretty much suck unless you’ve been dancing since you were a fetus, but she’s performing on Dancing with the Stars now, so she’s clearly made it! I’m not sure what she has to do with ballroom dancing, but I guess they needed something impressive to make the rest of us feel old and rickety.

Like this. I can’t do this without literally breaking everything inside and around me.

Next up on the Who is Safe platform are Karina and My Schnookums, who’d BETTER be safe after that 10, and Chelsea and Mark, still smarting from the scores netted with their nonsensical Paso. Schnook blew away the judges and the audience Monday night with his Quickstep. He’s just so much fun to watch, even when he’s dressed like Don Draper on St. Paddy’s Day, and he’s not sloppy anymore the way he was a couple weeks ago. Watching Chris Jericho go must’ve struck the fear of God into him. All the judges recognized his good energy and footwork, even Len! Gone are the days of hatin’ on Schnook. Yay! That combined with the America love, and he’s IN! And he got his 10 from Donnie, no less!

Couldn’t you just eat him up?

In the unseen footage, Mark reveals to Chelsea that he’s unhappy with “HER scores.” Take note: they are HER scores, because HE had NOTHING to do with the planning, choreography, or execution of the entire mess. Right, Mark??? God, what a whiny bitch. And then we see some MORE unseen footage, wherein Mark basically storms the judges’ table and demands to know why they all aren’t sucking his dick like before. Maybe because you weren’t all that suckable this week, Mark? Maybe they wanted to give a little knee time to My Schnookums for once, and Lord knows they weren’t cutting Hines off, so you had to go, douchebag. We all know that Len is crotchety as hell, though, and he’s having none of it. He claims he scored them on par with everyone else and doesn’t know what Mark’s moaning about. Scarily, I love Len a little bit right now, because I’ve had it with Mark Ballas and his entitlement. Jesus, kids today, huh?

Wahh, wahh, wahh. Not interested.

Turns out, Schnook is SAFE!!! So eat it, Mark. He and Chelsea are in jeopardy for the first time ever, and isn’t it just too bad? That must singe the hell out of his taint hairs, being cast into the realm of uncertainty with the likes of Kirstie-I-forgot-we-were-dancing-Alley.

As Mark and Chelsea retreat to lick their wounds and blame each other for their crappy situation (it seems being in jeopardy has knocked the bloom off the rose of inappropriate flirtation, no?), Wayne Brady performs a super long, convoluted tribute to James Brown. What does this have to do with anything, and why is it necessary? I mean, besides the fact that they need the Macy’s sponsorship money? Let’s get back to pretending to be uncertain about the eliminations.

But no! First we must heighten the dramatic effect by sitting through a very contrived mock interrogation scene, where the stars and their partners grill each other across dimly lit tables about what needs to happen for them to advance within sniffing distance of the mirrorball trophy. Romeo needs to make the show his priority and always look for ways to improve. My Schnookums needs to bring the sexy (still). Hines needs to stop overanalyzing and get out of his own stressful head, because we all know that his powerful brain will sabotage him if it gets half a chance. Chelsea needs to stay mentally focused and stop shutting her mind down.

Shouldn’t be too tough, right? Right?

With only a few weeks left, Kendra wants Louis to challenge her and praise her. Kirstie needs Maks to push and validate her, and since he’s a condescending prick, he just comes right out and admits that probably won’t happen. Maks is clearly in it to win it! Chelsea needs Mark to keep it fun so she doesn’t have a nervous breakdown, which should be no problem as long she doesn’t keep making him look bad with her shamefully low scores. Kirstie’s strength is her personality, while Ralph’s is the ability to create a story within the dance. Hines has great footwork and is a natural dancer. The next weeks will be harder, not easier! Holy shit, they may have to work for this! Are they ready? Do they want it? DO THEY?? Tyra will not pass you if you don’t REALLY WANT IT, and neither will Len!

All that will have to wait, though, because it’s time to watch some Eastern European ballroom greats perform to James Blunt, which is just unnecessary. And Jesus, James, could you have dressed down any more? This is live national television, dude—you accepted the gig, you’re cashing the check, so stop trying to convince us you’re above all this via your tight tee shirt and distressed skinny jeans.

Back to the dancing stars! Romeo wants us to know he was born ready, except for that one time this week when he missed a day, failed to adequately prepare, and blew his lead right out his own blowhole. His Monday night Samba was actually very cute, and he and Chelsie are quite watchable, which makes me feel sort of guilty that I keep forgetting he’s on the show still.  He really got into the groove, but Bruno criticized his bounce. To be fair, that may have just been an excuse for him to rise once again from his chair and demonstrate the proper bouncing technique, so Romeo should take that with a grain of salt. There is talk of technique, parties in pants, and earthquake shoes, and Len bitches because he thinks Romeo needs to up his game and stop fucking around so he can get his technique down. Romeo blames missing a day of rehearsal, and they fail to stay ahead of Hines and My Schnookums. And then to add insult to injury, Donnie fucked up his signs and gave them the false hope of an eight, when he meant to give them a mere seven. Mean! Goddamn it, Donnie, you have, like, one job. Get it right.

Romeo still offered them air hugs and a little tongue, though, because he’s just that nice a guy.

As for Kendra, Louis was actually nice to her this week and heaped on the praise, so she’s happy. She really is getting better all of a sudden, and it showed in their Tango. I think once she stopped giving a shit about being ladylike and started letting her nipples seek their natural comfort level, she relaxed and embraced her inner dancer. Ironically, since she’s loosened up and stopped trying so hard to exude elegance, the judges have nothing but praise for that very facet of her performance. Len and Bruno picked on her frame, but to be fair, those boobies are heavy, and holding them up is hard on the back. Kendra is now enamored of the dance, and will heartbroken if she has to leave. But is it too late? It just may be, because Romeo and Chelsie are safe, while Kendra and Louis are in jeopardy. The audience is vocally bummed, for the first time I can remember in support of Kendra. She must be picking up all the spare Chris Jericho votes.

Louis is just happy because he gets to wear glittery pink bowties. It’s the little things, sometimes.

So the final three couples are on the glittery chopping block, and I don’t think Mark and Chelsea are going home, but I really can’t tell on the other two. When you compare Kendra and Kirstie on this week’s performance alone, Kirstie absolutely deserves to leave. Now, I’m no huge fan of either one—I’m actually equally neutral on them both, and if I had to pick a team I hate out of the bottom three this week it would be Chelsea and Mark (and only then because of Mark). But Kirstie has been getting worse while Kendra has been getting better, and it’s too late in the competition to let the sloppy slide. But Kirstie has that audience love that saved My Schnookums when he screwed the pooch a couple weeks ago, so who knows. Tom does!

Len thinks Kirstie needs to be more consistent, Kendra is a late bloomer, and Chelsea is a great talent. My thoughts exactly. Kirstie and Maks are…SAFE??? The fuck, America? Kendra already looks upset, because she knows. And yeah, they’re gone.

The chesticles, they have danced their last.

Way to boost the underdog, viewers. Kendra is very sweet and gracious, though, thanking Louis and her family, and she avoids making a big dramatic scene, so good for her. Louis is very proud, and they shake it one last time.

Wow, what horseshit. Next week, the couples won’t find out their music until right before they dance. That will be funny as hell. So what did you think? Is anyone else just stumped as to why Kirstie is still in the game? I get that people like her, but do you think they like her enough to vote her all the way to the end if she keeps giving bad performances? I’ll concede that the fall and the shoe mishap weren’t really her fault (the fall is debatable, but whatever), but this week she just plain lost her head. How far does the Kirstie love extend? Thanks for reading!