Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen! Let’s see, where did we leave off from last week? Oh yes-as you probably already know thanks to Flipit’s ridiculously funny pic-cap, The No-Talent Ass Clown was thankfully voted off, proving my prediction correct as well as proving exactly why he has less than a positive public persona.
This show was karma throwing your career a bone. You shouldn’t have shat on it.
Mr. Bolton couldn’t just shut his mouth and take his elimination with class-he had to whine to the media about how unfair and disrespectful Bruno’s assessment of his jive was, and called for Bruno to be reprimanded for what he said. I was actually quite impressed with ABC’s response, via TMZ- ”While we respect the feelings of our celebrities and dancers, we don’t feel Bruno should be expected to apologize for doing his job.” and “Bruno’s role as a judge is to give his honest opinions on the quality of the dances he’s judging, which is what he did in this case.” I was going to say that I was glad ABC didn’t lie down and suck up to Bolton because he’s a “star”, but that is exactly what they are doing by letting him perform in place of Susan Boyle on the results show Tuesday night. I’m curious to see how Bolton carries himself-classy or crappy? You decide.
Um, yeah….I’m going with crappy.
One more thing we need to take care of before we crank this recap up to 11-the song guessing contest from last week-unfortunately, no one was correct about which song Bristol the Pistol danced to. That is okay, though, because the contest will continue until I get to send someone a bottle of vodka, damn it-let’s guess what my man Cute Warner’s going to be dancing to next week. Hint, hint-next week is “Acoustic Week”, and all couples will be dancing either a Rumba or Argentine Tango. I also presume this means we will be forced to endure a performance by Mark Balls and his band-of which from what I understand, Ken Doll is no longer a part of.
Which is super sad, because Derek got a new outfit for their performance and everything.
In case you haven’t noticed, this is probably going to be a “Cute Warner”-centric write up, because dude tweeted me. Not just once, but twice. Swoon, babes-I’ve stalked started a romance with people over less! And he read last week’s recap, and is looking forward to this one! But in all seriousness, this is a celebrity who actually takes the time to recognize, thank, and interact with his fans-hard to find in this day in and age. I’m officially president of the “Vote for Cute Warner” fan club, and I hope you’ll all join me.
And Cute? If you ever want to ditch the hot blonde and roll to the dark side, you just let me know. I’ve got candy.
The Berge and iCarly inform us that thanks to we viewers, DWTS was the number one rated show on television last week, and they want to celebrate by introducing the stars.
Um, if you want to celebrate how much money we’ve made you, why don’t you instead at least buy us a drink? Shit. Cheap asses.
Another week of intros, another week without me getting my wish and watching someone fall down the stairs. I better get used to it, because I doubt they’d show it even if it did happen. Damn it. But no worries, because it’s Story Week!
Jennifer Grey as Tina Fey as Sarah Palin. With a Ken Doll. Convoluted storyline.
Jennifer Grey: She and Mr. Doll were assigned the task of dancing a Samba, to “A Little Respect” by Erasure. Before I get to that, I have to tell you guys about an email that Flipit and I received. While I super-dee-duper appreciate you guys looking out for me, fact checking and filling in the blanks for me-don’t be a creeper. Someone (I can only presume it was Brandy’s publicist) felt the need to inform us that JGrey was also once involved in a tragic fatal car accident, so we needed to make fun of her accordingly. A few things: A-JGrey was riding with Ferris Bueller when he crashed the car, killing a few people. JGrey was not behind the wheel, and therefore innocent of any wrongdoing except for being overly dramatic. B-fair and balanced snarking? WTF do you think this is, Fox News? Do I look like a balding, obnoxious, shouting Republican male? Um, no. I snark who I wanna snark when I wanna snark ‘em. It’s not like I’m a real journalist or anything, geez. And trust-we’ve got plenty to make fun of Baby here for. So Brandy gets to have the vehicular homicide jokes all to herself.
JGrey and Ken Doll decide to go with a “hot for teacher” theme to their Samba. Ken Doll says he can understand that because he once had a crush on his third grade teacher. Yeah, we know honey.
Ken Doll is contemplating throwing the samba roll into the routine, but is concerned because it is one of the hardest moves in ballroom and JGrey isn’t instantly picking it up. Ken gets frustrated, J.Grey gets dramatic, they end up figuring it out, blah blah blah the end. It’s the same every week.
I have to share my family’s recaps of this number, because they were far superior to mine:
HappyHusband: I really can’t tell you if that was a good dance or not because I was too distracted by the fact that she looked like a retarded bird. What the fuck is wrong with her pants?
HappyKindergartener: This is the worst dance ever because she is wearing pants. Doesn’t she know she’s supposed to be wearing a pretty dress? I don’t like it. Can I have an ice cream bar?
In all seriousness, it was a perfectly adequate Samba. I was distracted by both partners’ pants-hers because they weren’t a dress, and his because they were riding too high and were showing way too much in the front. It wasn’t as spectacular as I’ve come to expect from Ken’s choreography, maybe even a little boring. Meh.
We get it. Your partner was in Dirty Dancing. WE. GET. IT.
Len says he enjoys Story Night (bullshit) and thought Ken’s choreo was clever, but he’s used to JGrey being flawless and she was a bit muddled tonight. Batshit calls JGrey a cougar mistress, and calls them out for getting tangled in one spot. Carrie Ann thought the two were slightly out of sync, but told their story very well throughout their dance.
The Brooke, of course, asks them “how it feels” after they received their scores. JGrey comments that it’s great to not be perfect and still get an 8. Yeah-you have to love the fair and balanced judging around here. There’s your Fox News, haters!
Florence Henderson: Aunt Flo and Corky Balls will be dancing a waltz to “Edelweiss” by Rodgers and Hammerstein, from the Sound of Music. I, for one, am excited to see Aunt Flo dance a waltz because it should showcase her carriage perfectly. Aunt Flo is pleased because one of her first showbiz jobs was actually in The Sound Of Music on Broadway.
“I can’t seem to stop singing wherever I am. And what’s worse, I can’t seem to stop saying things – anything and everything I think and feel.” I understand, honey. Verbal diarrhea is the WORST.
Aunt Flo is also loving the story she and Corky Balls are telling with their dance-it is about a woman who is falling in love, but is afraid to give in until she, you know, finally does. She gets all verklempt and tells us it reminds us of her husband who died 8 years ago. I don’t quite get the connection, but I must be a sucker because I got all teary eyed too.
Call me sentimental, but I thought the performance was lovely. Basic, yes. But I think nailing a basic routine is much better than screwing up a difficult one, and she definitely nailed it. The performance part of it was very convincing, and it was just warm and cozy and lovely.
Until the end when Maria and some Nazi started getting it on. Ew.
Batshit agreed with me, that the dance was simple and effective. Carrie Ann felt that Aunt Flo danced with her heart, but was worried it was a little TOO simple. Len finished up by proclaiming it sweet and poignant, but ruined the moment by telling her that she has no footwork whatsoever.
Kurt Warner: (VOTE FOR KURT!) Cute and Anna have been assigned the task of dancing a Fox Trot (how fitting) to “Bad Day” by Daniel Powter. Their story idea is that what begins as a bad day is able to be turned around by the end of the dance. Anna explains their characters, that Cute is a warm, encouraging guy and she is a depressed, negative Russian.
Depressing, negative Russian? I know one of those. (Thanks to BonnieMN for the pics!)
Cute is concerned that because of his size, it is impossible for him to be graceful on the dance floor, that no matter what he does, he’ll just look like a tree. Anna tells him to imagine holding fine china, and the delicacy that requires. He takes her suggestion literally:
Oh my adorable.
How am I even supposed to pretend to not be biased after that scene? I am the mom of little girls, you know. Well played, Cute. Well played indeed.
As for the Fox Trot-it was very nice. Cute’s got a posture and open quality to his upper body that suit him extremely well to traditional ballroom. I’m quite curious to see how that will translate to the challenge of Latin Ballroom. The dance was graceful, fluid, and seemed to be cleanly performed. My only complaint would be that it was a bit on the cheesy side of things, but that suits Cute and Anna well, and to be fair, this assessment is coming from the cynical broad that prefers to watch “The Sopranos” reruns with her morning coffee. Now THAT was fair and balanced. HA.)
Keep smiling at me like that and I will forgive the atrocious Goody Two Shoes behavior.
Carrie Ann was all swoony over the dance as well, lauding Cute’s charm and the couple’s chemistry. Len thought Cute’s arms were a bit lacking, but that everything else was well done. Bruno said his grin is pure Gene Kelly, but chided him for needing to tighten up his arms as well.
Margaret Cho: My friend Large Marge has not been a judge’s favorite so far this season, and I’m hoping she will turn it around with tonight’s Samba to “Copacabana” by the one, the only, Barry Manilow. I mean, the performance sounds like a winner already thanks to the soundtrack. Who doesn’t start bouncing around Samba style when that song comes on?
Bouncing, honey. Not puking. Wait to get drunk until AFTER rehearsal.
Large Marge had a hard time fitting rehearsals in this week due to her comedy tour, but is confident she will pull it all together to put on a “sizzling Samba”.
Shit, Flipit got drunk, stole a wig, and crashed the DWTS stage!
So Marge and Louis decided to go with a very flamboyant, very rainbow saturated Gay Pride Samba, and I freaking love it. I love that she had the balls, in the current state of our society and the headlines covering the media right now, to go out and show support to the people who need it the most. Gay is OK! I am concerned, however, at how the uber-conservative higher ups at ABC and the generally conservative DWTS viewer demographic is going to take it, though. Sad that showing support for your fellow man will cause you to lose votes, but hey-some people just suck. Also a surprise that this is a concern on THE GAYEST SHOW on TELEVISION. Just my thoughts, not scientific fact. I hope I’m totally wrong and Marge and Louis end up with the most votes of any couple ever on this show. That would be fucking rad.
Gay pride aside, the dance was lacking. It appeared more that Marge was just getting down while waiting in line for the bathroom at Applebee’s after one too many margaritas than actually performing a ballroom routine. Not that I would know anything about that.
Len thought Marge started out with good rhythm, but felt that she lost her timing and didn’t understand the story line. Batshit praises Marge for waving the Rainbow flag (she borrowed it from him) but thinks the dance was kind of awful. Carrie Ann loved the story they were telling, and exclaims, “Dancing With The Stars has gone gay!” Uh, sweetie…it’s been gay. That ain’t changed.S
Audrina Patridge: Well, well, well. Never did I ever expect this one to turn out to be quite the little dancer! I mean, bitch can barely manage to converse over lunch without looking like a complete moron but she can totally bust out intricate ballroom routines!
My name is Audrina. Spelled A-U-D-errrr….wait-this isn’t Intervention, is it? Well, can’t you just look it up, then?
Droopy and Tony will be performing a waltz to “Let It Be Me” by Ray LaMontagne (SCORE on the song choice) and have decided to take a dramatic flair with the storytelling. Good call on going dramatic with this one. Tony will be playing a Marine coming back from war to his love Droopy, and it will be so magical it will be like a dream. Complete with clouds and unicorns and shit.
Well, I was right about the clouds….other than the severe overusage of the fog machine, this was a breathtaking waltz. The Berge even commented, referring to it as the “Smoke Monster from Lost”. I cannot believe Droopy is an amateur! The performance was everything a waltz should be-elegant, flowing, smooth and beautiful.
Okay, so that’s a Smoke Monster drawing FAIL. Guess I can’t be perfect at EVERYTHING.
Batshit agrees, calling it compelling and touching storytelling that was danced extremely well. Carrie Ann tells Droopy to point her toes a little more, but that the competition just got much more interesting. Len shares that you “walk with your feet, but dance with your heart.” Gah, enough of the sentimentality already, people!!!
And after judging, as promised last week, they showed clips of Tony making good on his bet and getting his legs waxed.
I’m saving the hair to make “Dancing With The Stars” merkins, on sale at a Kmart near you soon.
Bristol Palin: Our little “Teen Activist” will be dancing a Fox Trot to “Just The Way You Are” by Bruno Mars-who, fun fact, was a dude just busted for doing coke in a bathroom at a Vegas Strip hotel. Hey idiot-go up to your room, lock the door, and go to town. Geez, is no one a smart drug user these days or what?
The story these two have chosen to tell is that Mark Balls is a homeless dude and Bristol wants nothing to do with him. She is concerned because she struggles with the acting part of performances. Take a lesson from your Mama, girl-she’s been trying to act relevant for about, oh, two years now.
On top of that, Bristol is busy being a single mom and giving speeches about abstinence. Risking the chance of starting another whore debate, I just have one question-isn’t it a bit confusing for a teen mother to state, and I quote-”I just want girls to know that abstinence is a realistic choice.” I’m not condemning her for getting knocked up, and I’m not condemning her for trying to do good in the world, but wouldn’t a much less hypocritical stance be better-”Hey, I fucked up, fucked around, and popped out a kid. Being a young, single mother with a loser baby daddy sucks. And the sex isn’t good until you’re like 25 and with a dude who knows what in the hell a vagina is anyway. Do yourself a favor, buy a vibrator, take your birth control pills, and wait until you marry someone with a salary, expense account, and a 401K.” Actually, forget her-that may just be the back cover of my new book, “Common Sense and Your Vagina” by HappyHousewife.
Back to the dancing at hand-the performance was very blah, which is a bummer, because it could have been great. I’m not so sure the story really went with what could have been a great song for a Fox Trot, but I saw flashes of greatness in Mark Balls’ choreo-loved the moment at the beginning when he grabbed her arm in the air and they began their footwork while holding their arms still. She perfunctorily performed her steps, but there was absolutely NO emotion on her end whatsoever. She is so sweet, I just wish she could open up even a little bit and show herself to the viewers.
Carrie Ann did not get the story at all, and Len just flat out didn’t like it-too contemporary for his tastes. Batshit says that Bristol is no Meryl Streep-and considering this is a dance competition, is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Brandy: Can I just skip her? Which tells you exactly how obnoxious she is to watch, considering she’s paired with my Baby Daddy and even he isn’t enough to make her watchable. She must have really read up on how awful she came off to people last week, cause she is all full of the humble in the intro package. She tries to blow off the part where she threw Maks to the lions during judging as “joking with the judges” and blaming the editing for making it seem like all she and Maks do is fight when that is really not how it is at all. Uh huh.
Now this I like.
Moesha decides to give Maks a peace offering, which is covering her mouth with a piece of duct tape that says, “I Love Maks”. Now, finally, this bitch is thinking! I am totally on board with this plan. They have decided to base their story on the movie “The Bodyguard”, and will be dancing it as a samba to “Put It In A Love Song” by Alicia Keys.
Moesha’s humility doesn’t last long, as she starts criticizing Maks’ teaching style as “his way or the highway”. Yeah, trick, that’s kind of how it works when he’s the PRO and you are NOT.
The positives of the performance: Maks melted me with the sunglasses and faux gun holster. Yum! Moesha is also really good at lip syncing. The samba was definitely more suited to her “stripper” style of dancing than traditional ballroom, that’s for sure.
He’s trying to figure out the quickest way to kill her.
Len thought the routine was fun and had a bit of a punch, and that it was a bit of an improvement over last week, but he didn’t quite get the story. Then he turned on Maks and started bitching him out for slapping Moesha on the ass during rehearsals. Don’t worry Len-it was pretty much the unsexiest ass slapping I’ve ever seen in my life, other than that horrifying time I walked in on my parents. EWWWW. Batshit says that he’s starting to see the comeback of the diva, and that her placement was much better this week. Carrie Ann finishes by trying to spank Maks’ ass (aren’t we all) and saying that she doesn’t condone that kind of teaching, but it must have worked because Moesha didn’t suck as bad tonight.
Kyle Massey: Chubs and Aubrey are going to be taking on a waltz this week, and it was originally supposed to be danced to “Taking It To The Limit” by The Eagles. After showing off a massive lack of intelligence by not knowing who The Eagles are and whining about the song choice, they were reassigned “Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop” by Landon Pigg. You can do that? I didn’t know there were second choices in song selection. Now I’m going to be up all night wondering if some of the sucky songs people have been stuck with in the past were first choices, or their second choice that was as sucky as the first. Hmmmm.
Also full of the hmmmm…how are these two chubbers going to make it look like they are dancing on clouds as the waltz requires?
Are the clouds made of marshmallow fluff? Cause if so, I can totally make this happen.
We also find that Spanx don’t hide muffin tops.
Did somebody say muffins?
Fat jokes aside, Chubs totally managed to pull off a graceful waltz. I was also pleasantly surprised at the loving chemistry between the two, which I wasn’t expecting after watching their sibling like connection in rehearsals.
Bruno thought it was a sweet romance, and very well danced, although Chubs needs to keep watching his footwork. Carrie Ann keeps up the creepy stalker love she’s got going on for Chubs, saying she feels like a schoolgirl with a crush and complementing his arms. Len says his performance level is high, but his footwork is atrocious and non-existant…um, Len…which is it? Pretty sure something can’t be atrocious and not in existance at the same time.
The Situation: Can’t believe The 100 Proof Predicament made it another week. Oh wait, I saw Bolton’s jive last week…yes, I can. He’s lucky he was casted with the one other person on the planet who is a bigger walking parody than himself.
The Predicament was told last week that he needs to work on his musicality, but he thinks that’s bullshit because, “You can’t fist pump if you can’t hear the beat, right?”
Label this: Deep Thoughts by a Guido.
100 Proof comes up with the grand idea of having some sort of time machine on stage, and she and The Predicament will come out as some kind of upgraded versions of themselves. The Predicament better hope that he Fox Trots more like Windows 7 rather than Vista, or he is going to be screwed.
Speaking of screwed, they were assigned the song “Boom Boom Pow” by the Black Eyed Peas for their Fox Trot. Wow. I can’t wait to hear how the house band is going to fuck this one up-it will be like writing a Hitler autobiography, and some how making your rendition of the events sound even more evil than they actually were. Yes, I compared the Black Eyed Peas to Hitler. You love me.
Oh lord. My brain hurts just from watching that. I don’t know what was worse, House Singer’s attempt at singing like Fergie (it’s not that hard yo-it’s not like she’s GOOD) or The Predicament’s attempts at dancing. These two spent much longer setting up the story than any of the others, and Predicament was not comfortable in his stiff movements at all.
Carrie Ann says that Predicament is baby stepping his way to becoming a real dancer. Huh? Did she and I watch the same routine? Luckily, for once, Len is the voice of reason and says that if that routine was the future, he’s glad he lives in the past. Batshit rambles a bit, then finally spits out that it was a mess, but an entertaining mess.
Score: 20 (BULLSHIT. There is no way this routine was better than Marge’s. Equal, probably, but better-no freaking way. I’m calling foul.)
Rick Fox: Slick Rick and Mophead will be ending the evening with a Samba to “Whine Up” by Kat DeLuna. Mophead’s story idea is that Slick will have just missed a shot to lose a game, and ends up at a bar by himself because his teammates want nothing to do with him. Slick shares that this has happened to him before, so he can definitely relate to the story. Mophead sympathizes with him because while she has never lost a game, she knows what it’s like to be disliked by many. Sad Mophead.
It’s hard being a cleaning instrument.
Slick’s ego is a bit bruised in rehearsal, because 26 year old Mophead is telling him that’s he’s not sexy. Now it’s Sad Slick Rick.
What’s sad is the lack of muscle definition that retirement causes.
In theory, it was an ok Samba. Slick Rick was having a hard time with the “sexy” choreo-you can tell it didn’t fit him very well and he was feeling very awkward. Also, while he is still in fab shape, you should probably keep your shirt closed unless you’re rocking scary deformed sausage abs like The Predicament is.
Len thinks Slick and Mophead raised their performance this week. Batshit mumbled some nonsense, but I think it was positive. Carrie Ann agrees with the audience that the performance was sexy and hot.
Score: 24 ( I will not comment on the comparison between Slick’s score and Cute’s score due to my obvious lack of impartiality, but BULLSHIT. That is all.)
Audrina Patridge & Tony Dovolani: 26
Brandy & Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 24
Jennifer Grey & Derek Hough: 24
Rick Fox & Cheryl Burke: 24
Kurt Warner & Anna Trebunskaya: 23
Kyle Massey & Lacey Schwimmer: 23
Florence Henderson & Corky Ballas: 20
Mike Sorrentino aka The Situation & Karina Smirnoff: 20
Bristol Palin & Mark Ballas: 19
Margaret Cho & Louis van Amstel: 18
So, my Gasmic darlings, who’s going home? Marge is the lowest score, but I think Bristol and the Predicament equally sucked dance wise. It’s going to come down to who’s got the most votes-will Marge’s big gay dance off help her or hurt her? Do Jersey Shore fans really stop clubbing long enough to watch this shit and vote? Will all the teen moms stuck at home on bedrest be enough to pull Bristol through? Stay tuned for Flipit’s results show recap and find out!
Love and Bubbles,