DWTS: Watermelons, Tootsie Rolls, And Abstinence

Hello my friends. HappyHousewife has had to drop the rest of the season due to some family stuff (miss you, girl!) so the options were A. Skip it or B. Do it. I know you love her, but tough cookies. You’re stuck with me! SUCKAS!

People weren’t getting groped at the airport!
We still thought Courtney and David were a great couple!
I was like 18 pounds thinner!

Oh yeah, and Dancing With the Stars started up again. It’s been a rough season for these kids. Gary Coleman Randy Jackson has had his ego bruised! Bristol has cried! Jennifer has cried too! And moaned. And complained. And kvetched. And waaaahhhed. And broken like tons of tiny little bones that none of us normal folk even knew existed.

OOOOWWWWW!

You guys, I read somewhere that Jennifer is 50. FIFTEH!

So Dirty Dancing was late eighties. Wasn’t she playing a teenager in that movie? Good lord, Hollywood. Well if she loses this show then she still has a shot of doing a Thirtysomething remake or something. Brooke looks like a coke bottle full of dimes tonight.

I’m guessing there are five thousand dimes, Tom!

Let’s welcome the finalists! The music gets all big and crescendo-y, which means it’s excitement time! Someone should tell this guy.

I hate my life.

Does Lacey have something in her contract that states she’ll only wear shit that’s all ripped up? She has a Madonna complex. She’s gonna spend her hiatus kidnapping babies from Africa.

Brooke announces Bristol as a “teen activist.” LOL. Oh yeah, her “abstinence campaign”. I feel about that the same way I did when Kirstie Alley came out with her own diet product line.

Jennifer’s boring as ush. But Derek jumps to add some flavor.

Ow my wrist.

We get to watch the finalists stand there and bounce up and down for awhile. I don’t know why I even wrote that down. I’m used to just having to do the piccaps for this show, so I’m looking at different things. For example, what is it about the trumpet that makes musicians so fucking hungry?

The first round of dances tonight are called “redemption dances”. WTF? If anyone should be here for this one, it’s Brandy. They get to redo dances they f’ed up the first time. I’d like to see them apologize for their past mistakes in dance. Bristol could do a facebook bullying ballet number, Jennifer could re-enact the day she got those horribly shaped boobies, and Gary Coleman Randy Jackson could apologize to Willis for being mean to Kara DioGuardi.

A clip of Gary Randy dancing last week. If you forgot about that boner you popped, let me remind you:

He has to do the foxtrot again, and Lacey is gonna make it more traditional this time. I don’t know what she means. I thought it was freaking perfect the way it was. One of my favorites of the season. Only Bolt coming out of the dog house topped it.

Go, Shirley, go!!

 

Rehearsal is Gary tip toeing. How do you have to learn how to do that? I thought all fat kids knew how to tip toe. How the hell else were we supposed to binge at four in the morning as children? Worked for me. I’m a tip toe champ. And super fat.

Len comes in like he’s arriving at Nell Carter’s birthday party back in the eighties.

Nell, yourah show is decent but it doesn’t show hahlf of your tahlent. Please don’t kick me out beforeah the sun rises. I brought cocoa buttah and a goldfish. Please try not to vacuum this one out of the fish tank, love.

Len tries to work on Gary Randy’s technique, which involves molesting the kids nipple’s with his belly button.

HAWT

OK now comes the part where I have to actually talk about dancing. I know even less about dancing than I do about singing in my American Idol recaps. That’s called a warning. I can’t really tell what’s going on. Lacey looks slutty as usual and Gary Randy looks like he’s got a giant stick up his ass. I think that’s called technique? He looks super uncomfortable to me. Standing up straight? Is hard. I do know that his nipple is probably still really hard.

The dance gets a little more exciting, if only because Gary Randy tries to start another earthquake. Is this show renting this studio? Cuz they’re not getting their deposit back without some major floor work.

Tramp OH! Lean(er)

He’s not competing against Lacey, but he wipes the floor with her anyway.

Floor, meet chlamydia.

The audience is standing up, but to be fair, no one sits in an earthquake. Len says that he tried to help but he’s no miracle worker. LOL. It was so much better than the first time! He could have come out and pooped on the floor and Len still could have said that. Bruno shouts out lots of gaytalian stuff I can’t understand. But I think he liked it.

Sheemy da ize sgate prosciutto gleeter popz!

Carrie Ann was kinda bored with it all. The audience boos her. Poor thing probably gets booed everywhere she goes. I hope I run into her at Whole Foods or something so I can boo her ass too. Tom does his “please vote” spiel and begs the audience to please not shoot their TVs. HAHAHAHAH. That guy shooting his TV when Bristol danced has to be one of the best stories of the year.

So Gary Randy, how does your poor child nipple feel? Disrespected? Molested? Confused?
It’s been hard for days. The other one needs a little somethin somethin to even it out.
Um gross….SCORES!

You guys, I don’t know dancing. But three 9s? Who is he blowing? Oh wait. I’m sorry I asked that.

I make fun of Jennifer’s plastic surgery a bunch, but from kinda far away it does actually work. She looks exactly like Bristol in this pic. But with a tinier face. And better grammar, which, if you look hard, you can actually see.

Don’t make sexes with ppls.

Easy to get three 9s.

Skating With the Stars is in the next studio. Jesus Christ. How far away can Ping Pong With the Stars be? We get pics of the “stars” warming up and Sean Young looking fucknuts crazy, as usual.

I hope James Woods’ balls are here so I can slice em open and feed em to Tom Berenger.

Do yourself a favor and watch this video.

Bristol gets to do the gorilla dance again! YAY! But without the gorilla outfit. Boooooo. There will probs be very little different. She tells us she’s more intimidated by the media than she is by Jennifer and Gary Jackson. Bristol’s feewings are hurt cuz after Brandy got kicked off people weren’t happy for Bristol. She worked haaard you guys!!! And you still kinda blow. You seem real sweet though. Just please follow your own activism advice and abstain. From dancing. Her special guest is Bruno!

He’s supposed to be helping her, but he’s just asking for teabagging tips. She tells him talk like that can get him pregnant and then slaps his wrists. They go limp. Er.

He has her shout “get out of my life!” at him and tries to jump up and down to show her what a personality looks like. She doesn’t follow him, and I don’t blame the girl. He’s burnt sienna, he talks funny, and he smells like urinal pucks and Ralph Lauren.

Personality isn’t everything. Sometimes it’s good to have a friend you can just stay in and play Scrabble with. Or…er….tic tac toe or whatever.

After thirty seconds of this, I’m praying she whips out a rifle and turns him into a rug. It would be rubbery and orange, but QUIET.

She comes out with a suitcase. Uh oh. Props are always a bad sign. Unless someone packed some talent in that thing. She does a pretty good job, especially at the beginning. She’s even showing personality! At least in the part where she has to look tired.

I buy it.

That was cheesy and simple. No, not the dance. The dance ended.

Sarah Palin doesn’t like this post.

Mark whips out the gorilla head. That would have improved this number immensely. What did the judges think?

Gnocci loki gleeter pantz!

She had fun, so that counts for something. I smell three nines! Carrie Ann congratulates her on not looking like a cadaver, and Len says she went from goriller to thrillah. That doesn’t even rhyme. At least he didn’t congratulate her for winning an Oscar for Mask. Stupid Len.

I was kidding! But still right. This show does a great job of turning jokes into reality. How is this even possible? Jennifer’s gonna get three tens just by being able to lift her leg above knee height.

So, B, according the newspapers all week, the country hates your ass. How did you deal with it?

I fucked a couple a strangers, Brooke. But I’ve reclaimed my virginity and am starting at square one. So yay.

 

Backstage, Derek is popping Jennifer’s spandex just cuz he likes to make her whine in rhythm.

Ow ow ow ow, ow ow ow ow, ow ow ooooow ow ow ow ow!

I think she just owed out My Darlin’ Clementine. I love that song. Last week, Jennifer’s tribute to afrobush was celebrated. Will she be so lucky this week?

Their redemption dance is the Paso Doble. Carrie Ann shows up at rehearsal to train her by jiggling her underarms. I don’t know how that’s helpful. Thankfully, Jennifer boos her as she leaves.

Not helping. Get some sleeves.

This dance is mostly Jennifer sitting on the floor while Derek twirls around and jumps and stuff. He’s so obnoxious. The music speeds up and she does a great job. Especially compared to the first two. Sure, she probably broke her vagina for life, but I’m sure it will be worth it in the end.

OW

She almost made it to the end without slipping into a pain coma, but the last couple seconds did her in.

I would say ow but my mouth hurts.

Jamie Lee Curtis and Melanie Griffith are there for support, and Melanie is pulled so tight she looks like the little kid from Jerry Maguire.

How much does a human brain weigh, Mel?

Carrie Ann screams “REDEMPTION!” and takes credit for the dance cuz of her coaching, even though there wasn’t a jiggly underarm in the whole number. Len gives them a standing ovation, which means either they were really great or he needs more air in his hemorrhoid cushion. Bruno does an interpretive dance about sneaking into his first adult bookstore. It’s kinda gross, to be honest.

I’m sorry, sir, but you either have to buy quarters or leave.

Tom says that Bruno is frightening America’s kids. HAHAHAH. Cuz the audience for this show? Kids.

Shocker!

Hey, Derek is wearing Maks’ cumberbund man spanx! Is that a slight?

Past “stars” come on the screen to give advice on the freestyle round. I can’t name one of these people. Except for Forty Year Old Beyonce. But I’m a future fan.

I know it might be annoying for some of you die hard fans to read a recap by someone who doesn’t really pay much attention to the show, but I’m just as observant as Good Morning America.

Who and who?

Gary Randy’s favorite song? Tootsie Roll. Cuz there’s not a song called Crisco by the Spoonful. Yet. He’s got his most practiced move in the dance though, so he should be fine.

Perfect. You do that and I’ll wear something shredded.

He can’t do any of the moves Lacey is trying to teach him, but he doesn’t get frustrated cuz she keeps announcing snack time.

UGH. I just ate.

 

Wow. This guy’s outfit would stop traffic. Even Brandy would notice this in a crosswalk.

Watch out for the Moose Knuckle!

I don’t know what to say about this, really, except that it’s disturbing. And how is this called freestyle if it’s choreographed?There’s no freedom and there’s no style. I don’t get it.

And I don’t want to.

That was terrible. Unless fat kids jumping is still impressive at this point. I got over that like week 2. Do you not think that was terrible? Then please let me reiterate.

Len says Tootsie is one of his favorite films and he dated her once. He’s not a fan of “boogaloo dancing” though. Was that racist? Bruno jumps around and spews out words I can’t understand. Then Carrie Ann slaps Gary Randy on the butt with her underarm and says he’s the “Fresh Prince of DWTS”. Will Smith just shot his TV.

So, Gary Coleman Randy Jackson I wanted to ask you…I can’t think of anything. Seriously. I’m so embarrassed. Lacey’s boobs are just so…yellow. And cut off mom jeans? Why? Can I touch those?

Everyone loves a toosie roll!

 

For those of you who take this show way seriously, I ask you this: WHY?

I mean come on. Those numbers are more inflated than Melanie Griffith’s face right now.

Tom says to be on the lookout for “Len’s Ghetto Dancing” album out this Christmas. Was that racist? This show is blurring all the lines. 5s are tens, it’s ok to refer to black people as ghetto, and Len’s rocking his shit out. WTF is HAPPENING?

Now let’s check in with Skating With the Stars! Sean Young’s not choking anyone? FF.

Bristol’s next. Mark’s chosen Cell Block Tango from Chicago, which is awesome. Except that Bristol’s never seen it or heard of it and she’s never been to a Broadway show so she doesn’t know how she’s gonna “get into character” for this one. The gorilla dance? Cake. Way to culture your brats, Palin. Jeeze. Just move around like an expressionless slug and you’ll be fine. Or at least consistent. I guess they don’t have YouTube at DWTS.

Mark tries to teach Bristol to walk. Seriously. She doesn’t feel sexy and can’t do something from Broadway. There are lots of haters out there who want her to fail so she’s gonna give it her all! Cut to Bristol giving it her all.

If you get millions of fans because of who you were born to, you are also gonna get lots of haters cuz of who you were born to. Why is one fair but one’s not? Whatever. I think if she wouldn’t publicly whine or have meltdowns on facebook, she’d be ok. She starts in a cage, which should get some votes.

I’ll vote for you if you just stay there. It’s the only way you’re gonna learn to pee outside.

You guys, she kinda kicks ass on this one. Look at Bristol doing Fosse!

She did better than I’ve seen so far, fo sho. The choreography is terrible, but that’s Mark’s fault. How hard is it to just copy the movie, dude? At the end, she locks him in the cage instead of murdering him. Disappointing. Is Sarah wearing a yamaka? And is she with a drag queen? Appealing to Jews and gays in one shot. And you thought she was a moron.

Chava for President!

Bruno gives her credit for aiming high, but it wasn’t Broadway. Come on! You gave Gary Randy a ten for girating his fat ass everywhere and doing nothing. Bruno is making me stick up for a Palin, which is unforgivable. Carrie Ann screams “Did I just see Bristol Palin dancing in a CAGE?” LOL. She gives her credit for that and agrees with Bruno that it wasn’t Broadway. WTFrick? You guys, Mark Ballas did a shit job on that one. He couldn’t even trace some simple Fosse moves, so for her to even mention Fosse’s name is kinda offensive to the dead choreographer. But he was a dick, so I guess he can just shut up and take it. Len says that when you copy a dance and don’t do it well then boo. But that wasn’t a copy. He gives her props anyway. These judges don’t seem to really know wtf they’re talking about. I’ll wait for you to get over the shock.

I told ya you should have stayed in the cage.

Next up…

OW

Guess what? Jennifer is worried. Guess why! Cuz it’ll huuuuurt! SHUT. UP.

You don’t seem to be listening to me, Derek, so I’ll say this in Spanish: OWA.

He gets her back by dropping her on the ground a few times. She’s in a housewife outfit holding a watermelon. Is that racist? No! It’s from Dirty Dancing! She rips off the dress and does a dance from that movie. How is that fair? Bristol didn’t come out doing a dance from her PSA campaign! Gary Randy didn’t come out doing a dance from whatever show he’s from! I don’t think. Maybe he did. I wouldn’t know. He did cause an earthquake, though, so that wasn’t fair either. Bristol wins by default!

She dirty dances with Derek, who’s like the cleanest white cracker on the planet. It’s…a sad dirty dancing imitation. Carrie Ann calls it amazing! Len says it was consistent! Bruno? I have no idea what he’s saying. But I feel molested.

So, Jennifer, how come you did that song instead of the one where Patrick Swayze was all over you behind a pottery wheel?

Ouch that hurted.

The real reason is because she’s not Demi Moore and she wanted to dedicate something to Patrick. AW. That’s so sweet. And smart. Don’t vote for Jennifer you guys, vote for a cure for cancer.

It’s over!??? Oh, tomorrow night everyone’s coming back to dance some more for the judges’ final votes! I wonder if Gary Coleman will shake his jelly! I wonder if Jennifer Grey will break something! I wonder if Bristol will be in a walking coma! I wonder if Brooke will say more than four words at one time! CAN’T. WAIT.

SEE YOU SOON!