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We begin Episode 3 minus Elisabetta, but since no one knew anything about her other than the facts that she used to screw George Clooney and has low self-esteem, no one seems to notice. Tonight we are visited by our first theme night: personal shit that makes the “celebrities” more relate-able, otherwise known as the most memorable year of my life.
Rob starts out by telling us the story of how his father died in 1993. He chooses “Fly Me To the Moon,” which proves that at least one of us did not understand the directions. Frank Sinatra recorded it in 1969, before Rob was even born, but whatever. They dance, but he still looks uncomfortable to me. They finish and we immediately flash to the Kardashians. Kim is slow to stand up making her look either lazy or bitchy. I’m going with bitchy. Remember last week when he was told he was a better dancer than Kim? My guess is she remembers that, too. Back to Rob and Cheryl. Back to the Kardashians. Len says he put the “dash” in Kardashian. K count = 3. Bruno says something that amounts to Rob getting control of the dominatrix and makes a reference to Guys and Dolls that Rob doesn’t get. Rob looks dumb and the bitchy Kardashian sister smiles. K count = 4. They score a ridiculous 24. Come on.
Next is Mrs. Baldwin, Chynna Phillips, who tells us all about her drug and alcohol abuse. She talks about the song “Hold On” and how she wrote it in high school about her abandonment issues stemming from her father. I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you that Blue Canary and I sang this song in competition in high school. So Chynna is going to rumba to her own song. Do you think it freaks out the singers that she’s there? It would have freaked me out. By the way, Blue. We totally sang it better than these bitches. Their dance is, truthfully, a little boring. She’s a great dancer, but meh. Bruno calls her a smoldering seductress, which is odd, and a little gross, since she wrote that song in high school about her drug and alcohol addiction. They score a 26, the best score so far this season.
Oh yay. Chaz and Lacey are next and I’m tired of Lacey before they even start and what is Chaz wearing? He’s gone Fred Flintstone, folks! Chaz picks this year as his best and is dancing to a song that his dad wrote. I almost feel bad that I’m rooting against them so I don’t have to see Lacey whore it up all the damn time. Lacey’s dress certainly looks like something Cher would have worn. Carrie Ann praises Chaz for his courage and says it wasn’t his best performance. Considering he’s done so badly the past two weeks, I think this might be his last… and still no Cher. Len says it WAS his best performance. Bruno says they are all confused and the feet should be skimming the sand, or whatever that means. They score an 18, which is their highest score so far.
Kristin is going to channel her inner Beyonce and Mark are next. She chooses 2005 because she graduated high school and had to decide if she was going to go to college or pursue a career in entertainment. Oh my God. She is so young. So, Not Beyonce is going to samba. She looks great and her body is sick, but she doesn’t quite seem to be on the beat the entire time and Mark is making weird faces. Len is not a Beyonce fan, but uses the phrase “talk to the hand” which sounds utterly strange. Bruno calls her a “fast-moving devil woman” and Carrie Ann says she did pretty well. Were we watching the same thing? They score a 24. As Tom talks us to commercial we get two more Kardashian shots, bring our K Count to 6.
Carson is next and in the pre-dance package he talks about how Len called him the worst last week and he had flashbacks of how he was called out in gym class as a kid. His song is from the year Queer Eye for the Straight Guy came out and he really came into his own. They are doing the tango, and he seems to be doing quite well with it. I would say it’s easily his best dance and I love the comedy in the choreography. Bruno calls it insanely brilliant and Carson kisses him. Bruno says a lot, but I can’t really understand much of it. Carrie Ann loved it. Len says he’s going to be positive, but doesn’t need a kiss. They all loved it. Brooke again asks someone how they are “processing” the criticism. I think, maybe, she just learned that word. Carson and Anna come away with a 23.
J.R. and Karina are next. Of course, his most memorable year is the year he almost died. He tells the story about seeing himself for the first time after the injury. He was only 19 at the time and truly thought he would be better off dead. He’s doing a tribute to the men and women who didn’t make it home. If he goes home this week, you people have no soul. It is well choreographed and beautifully danced. Carrie Ann looks a little like someone punched her in the stomach and the whole audience is on their feet. Carrie Ann’s voice is shaking and Karina is clearly on the verge of tears. Len says J.R. is dancing to a standard that is unexpected, but still gives him a little constructive criticism. Even Bruno can’t make a vaguely suggestive comment, but does manage to stand up. What is that about? He stands up every time he talks. J.R. is about to cry and I’m guessing Brooke wants to know how he’s processing things, but it’s time for scores. They end up with a 26, tying Chynna’s score.
Nancy is next and Tom Bergeron makes a crack about seeing the softer side of Nancy Grace last week. We saw all kinds of sides of Nancy last week. There is no mention of the nipple slip as we enter rehearsals for this week. Nancy tells a heartbreaking story about how her twins were birthed by C-section because the doctors told her that she and her daughter were dying. She is dancing to Moon River because it’s the first song she sang to the twins. Her boobs are mercifully under layers of fabric today and my guess is those puppies are taped down tonight. The dance is sweet, but she still looks a little hunched over. Len comments on the posture and Bruno says she doesn’t follow the movements through. Carrie Ann talks about a fantasy of seeing animals watch Nancy and Tristen dance. I’m more than a little disturbed at this. They score a 21, which Nancy is “very happy” about.
Ricki and Derek are next because we need a good dose of adorable right now. Her most memorable year is 2010 and she talks about going through a tough divorce, her house burning down, and finding her new beau. She’s hoping to inspire others to find true love and check their smoke alarms. She looks fantastic, but the drapery on her dress hides her transformation. The choreography is pretty challenging and sexy. Her fiancé is in the audience and he gets teary. Bruno talks about how expressive the dance was and manages not to creep me out. Len congratulates Derek on a great routine and, frankly, it’s nice to see the dancer get recognized for once. They score a 27 and top the chart tonight. Derek is super excited, but really, she’s a solid dancer and he clearly outshines a lot of the others when it comes to choreography.
Hope Solo is next and the most important year of her life is 2011 because of the World Cup. She talks about being so heartbroken when they didn’t win the final game. She is dancing to her team song and I see issues. This is a song they cheer and dance to in the locker room. Will Hope be able to harness the force and leave the athlete behind? And is dressing like a shiny showgirl and showing your crotch a good place to start? And will making the duck face the whole time help? It’s still a little clunky, but Carrie Ann tells her she’s a really strong dancer and she needs to work on her walk. The judges and Tom start to pressure Maks to show his “girly walk,” but he declines. Len calls it their best dance yet and Bruno says the “sexy minx is out of the cage.” They do reasonably well with a 24.
Last and quite possibly least is David Arquette. I’m going to go out on a limb here and says that David’s outfit is only the second most terrifying use of animal print that I’ve seen tonight. He is a bit stunned that the audience didn’t call in and vote for his gold-dipped pimp routine last week and hopes to open up more this week. His year is the last year, when he went through some bad alcohol issues after the breakup of his marriage. This dance and their costumes seem a little sexy to me, considering the story, but his dancing is better than it has been. I really just wish Kym made better costume choices. Of course, Courtney and Coco are in the audience again. Len is proud of David. Bruno talks about how David is “ready to go again and again and again and again” and I’m amazed it took Bruno this long to say something that distasteful tonight. The last couple of the night winds up with a 24, leaving Chaz, Nancy, and Carson in the bottom three. My vote is for Nancy to leave. Really, I’m just over a lot of these people and we are three shows in.
RESULTS SHOW EXTRA:
Don’t get too excited, boys and girls, but I’m recapping the results show in the same post. I know – just when you thought it was over, there is more! It’s only because I love you so, my babies. We open the results show with Mary J. Blige and some Latin dancers. We bring out the first three couples and see some behind the scenes because the three hours we’ve already spent on this episode are clearly not enough. I apologize for not recapping the encore hour, but I thought that would be redundant.
So we have the highest scorer, the lowest scorer, and the sentimental favorite. There is absolutely no way that J.R. and Ricki are in danger, so you know Chaz is sweating it. The first saved couple is J.R. and Karina. Next is Ricki and Derek. It’s a big surprise to everyone when Brooke announces that Chaz and Lacey are through to next week. Chaz clearly has fans, and while I truly appreciate his status as a role model, this is Dancing with the Stars, not Role Modeling for LGBT.
Len wants to see Chynna and Tony dance again. We see some more behind the scenes and Hope says she feels like sex on a stick that you could just dip in chocolate or something like that. I’m lost in the image and we see some Kardashians, which shakes that lose. The next four couples are out and Rob and Cheryl are safe, so the K count continues. Carson and Anna are in jeopardy, but look fabulous anyway. Nancy and Tristen are safe, presumably saved by her nipple. Hope and Maks are not safe, which makes me sad, but it is clear that the duck face is no good for anyone.
We have some weird six degrees bulletin board and are told that next week’s theme is movie scores. Some professionals dance to music from Gone With the Wind. There is more singing and then we have some more dancing. Any Chubby Checker is here. Seriously. Chubby Checker. Okay, that’s kind of cool and Carrie Ann is clearly starstruck.
Mary J. Blige is back to sing some more because she has an album coming out in November and Chubby doesn’t. Truthfully, I could care less at this point. It’s time for the last three couples to find out if they are in danger and then someone will be put out of their misery. Chynna and Tony are predictably safe. David and Kym are coming back next week, too, which means that Kristen and Mark are in the bottom three.
The final results are in and Carson and Anna are safe. We do a whole dramatic walk down the stairs with the last two couples and the question is does the audience relate more to the girl who had to make a decision about what to do after high school or the woman who worked her whole life for something and didn’t get it? And will I be able to continue with the Star Wars references? Oooh. I’m all a-twitter. It looks like Not-Shakira will not be returning. So, the rebel alliance proved to be a powerful vote for Miss Solo and Kristen and Mark dance for a moment before the rest of the dancers hug them with Lacey positioning herself nearest the camera. Tune in next week to see what horrible fashion mistake David Arquette will make and there may be some dancing.