DWTS Week 4 Recap: B-list on stage and A-list in the audience

It’s week 4, kiddos, and we mourn the loss of Not-Shakira, who took one for the team, allowing Chaz Bono to dance another day and his partner, Lacey Schwimmer, more screen times, which I’m sure she will put to excellent use.  Now, in “a world studded in rhinestones,” as Tom Bergeron dramatically stated in his opening voiceover, our remaining stars will be dancing to movie scores, which promises to be overly dramatic and perhaps a little absurd.  DWTS has a new state-of-the-art sound system, which I’m sure sounds fantastic, so they light a fire in the center of the stage and some pros dance around it to remind us what good dancers look like and eat up a little time since this show is two hours long.  The men are far less clothed than the women for once, plus there is choreography with light sabers, so my inner nerd rejoices.  At the close of the piece, Tom states that “you can never go wrong with light sabers and spray tanning.” Brilliant.

Our first couple, Chynna and Tony, is doing the tango to Mission Impossible. In the rehearsal clip, Chynna is having trouble focusing and Tony is starting to get frustrated.   Tony enters from above, which isn’t bad, but the dance isn’t very exciting.  Honestly, there are several parts where it looks like Chynna totally forgets what she is supposed to be doing.  Either that or the choreography is just bad. As someone who danced Latin ballroom competitively in college, I would never have attempted a tango to this. Len calls Chynna on losing her place.  Bruno says she was “slash and burn hot” but she lost the thread.  Carrie Ann says she kept her composure although Len and Bruno disagreed.  I could see the panic in her face, and I think it was obvious that she had no idea what to do.  They still score a 21, which is kind of annoying since I know other couples would do as well if they danced about half of what was choreographed.

Sadly, the mist could not hide her panic.

Before David and Kym dance, Tom Bergeron points out that the audience is A-list, which is humorous.  You know it’s bad when the audience outshines the dancers.  In today’s audience we have Courtney Cox again and Cher.  Cher is finally in the audience and she looks fucking awesome.  There is a Baldwin there, too, but I can’t tell which one.

Cher is here!

Kym starts out by calling David a movie-star, which nearly makes my spit coffee all over my computer.  David tells us he’s dyslexic and that it’s easy for him to mix up his right and left, which I don’t believe is technically dyslexia.  They are going to Pasa Doble to Raiders of the Lost Ark, so he swings in and cracks a whip.  His worry shows in his face, but he seems to be getting it right. Bruno loves the way Bruno “cracks his whip.”  Carrie Ann brings up his new strength and charisma, which I actually have to agree with.  This is probably as manly as David Arquette can get. Len starts to say it wasn’t all that, but Bruno pipes up that it was “butch and strong, like I like it” and comments on David’s great butt.  Bruno must be a sex addict.  He just cannot keep himself from standing up and telling everyone how sexy they are in a way that makes us all uncomfortable.  The judges award  them a 23 and they seem pretty pleased.

He's no Indianna Jones, but he has been in a movie, so THAT makes him a movie star.

The professionals dance some more to showcase more movie music and remind us, again, what carrying a movement through actually means when Len says it.  Oh, hey, Billy Baldwin!  If that was you before it was not your good side.

Carson and Anna are dancing the Viennese waltz to music from Pirates of the Carribean, and Carso describes pirates as “men running around in tight pants and open shirts looking for jewelry.” I love Carson. They bring in a really HOT guy named Storm to teach them some sword-fighting and Carson nearly trips in a puddle of drool and thanks him for wearing a low cut shirt.  I’m struck with how disgusted I would be if a man said that to a woman, but rather than dwell on my feminist hypocrisy, I’m going to watch them dance.  Believe it or not, I think this is the manliest Carson we’ve seen and he’s dressed as a pirate, which just lends itself to femininity.  Hell, the pirate flag he’s flying is pink!  Carrie Ann says it was like being on the ride, but “weirder.”  She loves his performances, but says the technique wasn’t there.  Len compares it to childbirth in that it is horrible while it’s happening, but a joy when it’s over.  He does, however, say that if he were at home, he would call in for Carson.  Bruno says the next pirates movies should be “The Revenge of the Gay Blade” and outs Jack Sparrow.  They get a 20, and Len becomes a prop comic.

As butch as Carson can possibly be.

Nancy and Tristen are next, dancing a Paso Doble to Flash Gordon.  Wait.  What?  That just sounds ridiculous.  Maybe it’s my disregard for Nancy Grace and her rogue glittery boobs, but I just don’t want to watch this and I think Tom Bergeron empathizes because he nearly bursts out laughing as he announces their clip.  Nancy says the aggression will help her in the Paso, but so far she hasn’t brought any fire, so I kind of doubt it.  Her dress is frightening and she really seems to be walking the dance more than dancing it. Tristen is adorable, but I wish to free him of this albatross.  The final moment is painful.  Len says there is no real performance and he can’t get excited.  The audience boos, but I agree.  Bruno says she needs to “go for it,” but Carrie Ann panders to the audience and says we “need to give Nancy credit.” Bullshit.  They score a 21.

Here's a picture of Tristan to appease you horny bitches.

Next we have Hope and Maks dancing to Toy Story.  I’m a bit disappointed that they are not using music from Star Wars because it would be easier to use some Han Solo references, but they seem to be having fun.  She looks adorable, but it doesn’t seem Fox Trotty enough to please Len.  Once they get into the more technical part of the dance, she loses that childlike quality and the performance suffers.  Bruno says it’s lovely. Carrie Ann says it was nice to see her having fun.  Len is frustrated because he doesn’t think she’s rehearsing hard enough.  There is a kid dressed as Buzz in the audience, but I’m not sure about the connection between the kid and Hope. They score a 24, which is the top score so far, but we still have Ricki and J.R. to dance, so I don’t think they will top the list for long.

Hope gets the adorable this week.

Rob Kardashian is next. In the intro packet we relive last week and get our first Kardashian sighting.  Rob needs to be more arrogant and masculine.  He says people think of him as “a loser brother who’s never had a job before” and that pretty much nails it for me.  But being a “do nothing” in a family of “famous for nothings” is hard, right Rob?  So he’s working really hard and taking this dancing seriously.   A few of Rob’s arm positioning are decidedly girly. So I’m thinking there are no Kardashians in the audience because we haven’t seen them yet.  Carrie Ann loved it, but Len looks at her like she’s lost her damn mind. I think she’s hot on him because I don’t see it either.  Hey Bruce and Kris. K count = 2.   Bruno calls him out on not believing in himself and I still think he looks like he’s in a high school production.  Upstairs, Brooke asks him if he’s ever worked so hard at anything before and my guess is that the answer is no, but he graduated college which he seems to think means he worked hard. They score a 24, which is fucking ridiculous.

So NOT manly.

Ricki and Derek are next, and it’s pretty certain they will do well. The judges love them and I think Derek is a solid choreographer.  They are doing a tango to Psycho, which seems really challenging. Also, this is when I learn that they do not get to pick their music.  Ricki is struggling with the tango, and wants to quit, but I’m guessing that is just a moment of weakness.

The tango is serious business.

The darkness of the stage and her black dress make it hard to see if she’s getting the form right, but it looks pretty good to me.  Dr. Phil is in the audience next to Donnie Osmond.  Why we go to them now, I’m not sure. Maybe because the show is nearly over and we haven’t yet emphasized all of the actual stars in the audience.  Len starts by saying that Ricki always delivers, but drops her chin a little.  He says she is probably at the top of the leader board.  Wait. Was that Ian Ziering?  It was.  Why are we showing the celebrities in the audience at this point?  Bruno and Carrie Ann say it was brilliant.  They get the first 10 of the season from Carrie Ann and Len and score a 29.

Dr. Phil and Donnie Osmond. The new Odd Couple.

Ian Ziering is here, too.

Chaz and Lacey are next and we are sure to get a lot of close ups of Cher.  Chaz relates to Rocky being an underdog and Lacey brings Richard Simmons in to train Chaz to be more masculine.  They do a boxing movie montage and Lacey “acts.”  The dance starts and it is, by far, the fastest we have seen Chaz move. Lacey’s outfit looks like a reject from the circus, but Cher is so excited at the end that you can see her ready to leap out of her chair.  Bruno admires Chaz’s spirit and Carrie Ann talks (again) about his courage and his magic.  Cher gives him a standing ovation.  Len sings and says it was his best dance to date.  My guess is that they will still end up at the bottom of the leader board, but will probably stick around because he’s a role model and Cher Cher Cher Cher Cher Cher Cher. They get a 21 and I feel bad for Carson.

Lacey loves the belly. She even works it into the choregraphy.

J.R. and Karina are next, dancing to the Pink Panther.  They look adorable and I’m looking forward to this one, which I really haven’t felt all night.  I really like J.R. and I am totally rooting for him.  Karina says she is driving him as hard as she would a professional dancer and I agree with her that he has the potential to go all the way.  She brings in a male professional to show him what it’s supposed to look like and that really seems to help him.  I love the music from The Pink Panther, and even if J.R. looks like he fell in a vat of Pepto Bismal, I am loving this dance.  It has a really playful energy while still managing to keep the integrity of the Fox Trot.   Carrie Ann thought it was okay, but says it didn’t need the humor.  Len says he was the best male dancer of the night and the humor worked for him. Bruno thought the humor was subtle and that J.R. can do anything.  Carrie Ann gives them an 8, which is the same score she gave Hope and Rob.  She is on crack. Seriously.  The other two judges give them a 9, so they end up with the 2^nd highest score with a 26.

Saking their groove thangs.

So, to review.  The bottom 3 are Chaz,  Nancy, and Carson.  I think Nancy is gone, folks, but I’ve been wrong before.

RESULTS SHOW:

We kick it off with some guy I’ve never heard of who has, however, won a Grammy.  He performs “Soul Man” and everyone in the audience is really into it.  He’s a pretty solid performer, but we all know this is filler and it’s hard to ignore that.  So now we’re going to hear from the celebrities that were in the audience. Honest to God. There were more stars in the audience than on the stage.  OMG. Pee Wee Herman was there?

Julianna Hough is back to dance with her brother Derek and promote her new film, Footloose, but first we’re going to hear Susan Boyle sing.  She seems terrified and it’s not her best performance. She’s flat and my guess is she cannot hear herself at all.  At least there are dancers, so that’s a nice distraction. Boyle has a nice voice, but let’s be honest, she’s not much to look at and this song is not in her comfort zone.

The first three couples take the stage: Rob and Cheryl, J.R. and Karina, and Ricki and Derek.  Ricki and Derek are, of course, safe.  With the first 10s of the season, they were assuredly in the clear.  J.R. and Karina area also safe, but Rob and Cheryl are in jeopardy.  Will the K count end?  They tease the Julianna Hough dance again and mention Footloose, of course.  Damn.  How tall is Blake Shelton?  She looks like a child next to him.

The Footloose stars dance to the remake of “I Need a Hero,” which makes me recall the original song I used to dance to in my bedroom when I was a kid.  Blake Shelton sings Footloose and people, presumably the cast of the movie, dance.  Tom talks to Julianna, who cries.

We see the footage and hear Chynna freaking out throughout her dance while Tony tries desperately to get her back on track.  The interview with Carson makes me love him even more as he says Anna is a “sensitive wench” and “shivering his timbers.” These two couples are joined by Chaz and Lacey who are Cher.  I mean safe.  Joining them is Carson and Anna, the lowest scorers of the night.  Chynna and Tony fall into the bottom three which is kind of crap.  Her worst score is the same as Chaz and Lacey’s highest score, but Chaz has Cher… I mean fans.

The stars spend a segment talking about how much harder this is than they expected and how they have no lives while they are doing this show.  It’s emotional and stressful and blah blah blah.  Now the Hough siblings are going to dance together. They are awesome and we are again reminded what really excellent dancing looks like, even though they say they have barely rehearsed.  Kind of adding insult to injury after the stars just told us how hard and exhausting their long rehearsal days were.

The final three couples are up: Nancy and Tristen, David and Kym, and Hope and Maks.  Hope and Maks are safe, as are David and Kym, but Nancy and Tristen are not.  So, the bottom three stars are Nancy Grace, Chynna Phillips, and Rob Kardashian.  Will Rob have to go out and get a real job to prove he’s not a loser?  They are not the first safe couple.  They dubious honor goes to Nancy and Trsiten.  Really?  Does that woman really have fans?  Apparently, so. And Rob Kardashian does, too.  Chynna and Tony are out, which blows.  Are we going to end up with Chaz and Lacey vs. Rob and Cheryl in the finale?

Perhaps next week someone who actually CAN’T DANCE will go home.  I’m just disgusted.  Hazylazy out.