DWTS: Where is Michael Bolton?

Dancing with the stars is really kicking it up a notch this week. They know they have to because if they keep Kirstie any longer, people are going to lose interest.

The DWTS story line for this week revolves around the downfall of Ralph Macchio. The show starts off with a dramatic bang as we watch a montage of what seems to be the end of Ralph Macchio, as he explodes at the end of the montage.

Because the judges are so shocked that Kirstie did NOT fuck up Monday night, they are having her perform her Argentine tango again; to give her another opportunity to fall.

What I’m really shocked about is how Maksim was able to hold her above the dance floor for so long.

It’s behind the scenes time! We watch with our secret service spy cam as Kym talks about how cute Hines’s butt looks in his pants. She can’t stop staring at it. She is drawn in by the sheer power of the butt and has great difficulty in preparing herself for the performance.

It seems like Kym is trying to get Hines to propose to her as she subtly hints that she wants a big ring on her finger. She knows that her dancing career is done as soon as she gets a year older, so she’s on the prowl for a mate.

Now it’s behind the scenes with Kirstie and Maks. Just a whole lot of him reassuring her that he won’t drop her. He applied super glue to his hands before the performance. He sheer mass will rip his arms clear out of their sockets before her body leaves his hands.

Bruno says “Your body is shrinking but your talent is huge!” Talent = ass.

DWTS isn’t just about dramatics, they have a funny side as well. Before the actual commercial break, they play a spoof commercial that they created all by themselves. It’s a take on the ESPN commercials except in this one, Len gets mad about some other office yahoos going to see the Royal wedding instead of him. I told you, they wrote it all by themselves.

Kirstie, Maks, Hines and Kym wait on the stage to see if they are going to make it to the semi-finals.

Dramatic pause.

Dramatic Pause.

DRAMATIC PAUSE.

Hines and Kym are going to the semi-finals.

Dramatic pause.

Kirstie and Maks are also going to the semi-finals.

What a short dramatic pause before the reveal of Kirstie and Maks, you say? There must be something so important that they could not be able to give the appropriate amount of dramatic pause.

And there is.

Dance Center, the DWTS spoof of ESPN sportscenter. I was foolish enough to believe that they would just leave it at a commercial spoof.

Kenny Mayne opens the bit in a montone-I’m-Ben-Stein-but-wait-I’m-not-funny voice and is wearing a zipper vest that looks like something you would wear to the Gothic Asshole. Be careful, Kenny, you are sending mixed signals.

He introduces Jerry Rice, who looks as if he’s making a serious attempt at impersonating Seal. All you need is to say something horribly offensive to a dancer with major claw/nail hands so you can get the facial scars and then you’re there.

And then there’s Len Goodman, who among the three of them is the most clothed human; although his clothing choice is less than desirable. Who pairs a bright pink shirt with a purple tie? Honestly Len, just because you’re British doesn’t mean you get a fashion freebie.  Mullet-haired-acid-washed-puma-wearing-tight-jacket-donning-rat-tailed-eurotrash won’t even make that mistake.

Since it’s coming down to the semi-finals, it’s getting very real, very fast. So we need a breakdown of all the dancers. Just in case we’ve been in a coma for the past 32 hours of Dancing with the Stars programming in which we recap, recap the recap and then recap again!

All this recapping is really a kindness coming from Dancing with the Stars. They want to make sure that no one is left behind, and that those who are ahead of the game lose brain cells while watching countless hours of gratuitous recapping.

Now, they’ve really outdone themselves with this Dance Center parody. I mean, the amount of funniness per second is just staggering.

First up to recap, Kirstie Alley. It’s as if they are giving stats of football player, which is understandable because Kirstie is the size of one. Under notes they write: “Everyone knows her name” and “Part-time floor inspector”.

Get it!! Part-time floor inspector! Because she falls and lands on the floor! And because she spends so much time on the floor, she can inspect it! But only part-time. She has to take a Lunch break and a mid-afternoon snack break and a mid-snack snack break and a dinner break and a post dinner break and a bedtime snack break and a midnight feeding frenzy.

Then Kenny can’t pronounce Maks’s last name and Len makes a silly “Can you believe this guy “ face. This is comedy folks!

They make some ageist jokes about how Kirstie and Maks’s love affair is so wrong because she can be his grandmother and Len’s wife. Upon mention of a wife, Len is terrified and switched the topic to her actual skills, which are few.

We take a trip down memory lane when Maksim was the Ukrainian Bachelor and Jerry makes a funny about how he, Jerry, is so much like Maks. And then Len makes that face again!!!

I sure hope it happens three times, because comedy comes in threes!

Montage of Kirstie making Scientology alien sounds and Maks talking about how he’s a stick dipped in sexy. Does that mean his man bits are covered in chocolate?

Next it’s Lil’ Romeo, OOPS, drop the Lil’, it’s just Romeo. Great Joke #1.

Romeo’s notes include: “Alter ego, Dance Man” and “Member of the Celine Dion Fan Club”.  Then Kenny makes fun of how much Romeo wants to help the “Kids out there”. Just because there is someone on the show who ISN’T trying to get their 15 minutes back and wants to use their fame for something positive doesn’t mean you have to jealously lash out at them Kenny Mayne!

Jerry and Kenny go to a slow mo of Romeo dancing with his shirt wildly flapping around and point out with arrows; again, as if it is football, all his fat rolls and then write the word fatty on the screen.

Len adamantly disagrees with these unfunny unreasonable gentlemen. It amazes me that Len is the straight man in this scenario.

Holy Shit! I had a dream about this moment! Michael Bolton is performing on the show! Finally, all my strongly worded letters to the ABC execs have made an impact!

Michael Bolton sings, “I’m not ready” like the beautiful sexy songbird that he is.

Delta Goodrem sings with him, but we don’t care because we are drawn to his awesome 90’s raspy voice.

Some dancers dance, but we don’t care because we are drawn to the contrast of his orange skin and his crisp white shirt.

Oh please tell me that this is the year of Michael Bolton. How long I have awaited his comeback.

I’m going to take a moment to acknowledge Tom Bergeron. I don’t think anyone notices the care he takes in matching up his movements to the intro music, or the witty things he comes up with right on the spot, or the snarky comebacks he does just for Len.

Coming back from the break, Tom performed the BEST head snap I have ever seen on LIVE TV. He started low, rose up in time with the music and snapped his head with such vigor that I spat out my late evening special time beverage.

Thank you Tom Bergeron, for giving me the best snap of my life.

Yay! Questions with Brooke!

Brooke gets serious with Macchio as they discuss his leg; we learn nothing new in this exchange. She moves on to Romeo and asks him about his feelings to which Romeo answers by talking about how competitive this competition is.  Insightful. Now same question to Chelsea. More than two questions make Brooke’s brain feel sad-face-emoticon.

And now for something totally unrelated: a sappy story about how dancing changed the three Tuita brothers’ lives.  Their dad died and now they dance all the time while wearing their hair in braids. End of story.

Of course what sappy story would be complete without a performance? If you answered none, then you are 100% correct.

Delta Goodrem sings again, but more importantly, where is Michael Bolton?

Some dancers show up, but I’m concerned of Michael’s whereabouts. Where is Michael Bolton?

We go back to Kenny Mayne, but really, all I can think about is Michael.

Now they are on to Ralph Macchio. On his stats sheet, his likes are “Bananas and painkillers.” All I can think about is an old toothless Macchio, sitting patiently at his kitchen table working on the newest Sudoku in the NY Times and waiting for his housemaid to grind up the painkillers in his morning banana mash so he can go about his day.

Thank the lord! It happened! The third face from Len!

Then we have video of Hines dancing with a pillow. That’s it. That’s the funniest thing they could come up with for Hines.

Quickly, they move onto Chelsea. Her hobbies are “Hocus Pocus and breaking the rules.” Oh she’s so bad!

Then Jerry does something I will never forgive him for: he looks right at the camera and says, “Oh, she’s a naughty girl.” You don’t know her Jerry! How dare you say that about a pure and precious Disney princess!

They end the bit with an extremely long and awkward exchange of handshakes. Does no one know how to edit at ABC? Or do they just leave all this shit in so that they can hit the hour mark?

Adele performs “Rolling in the Deep”. I have nothing bad to say about this. I listen to Adele on repeat weeks on end.

But still, where is Michael Bolton?

After the perfect Adele, we see exclusive behind the scenes footage of Ralph and Karina, Chelsea and Mark and Romeo and Chelsie. Everyone keeps talking about how nervous they are for the semi-finals.

Although, Chelsea and Mark got two 10s, so I don’t know what they’re complaining about. It’s old man Macchio that has something to worry about.

All three couples are on stage, but one of them is going home tonight.

A twist! Tom announces who the couples in jeopardy are. So that means, by process of elimination, we will know who the one guaranteed safe couple is. And it’s Chelsea and Mark. See, all you need is a tight young body, two tens and you are in.

Romeo and The Karate Kid are on the chopping block and people are upset.

Someone has to go home audience! That’s the point of the show. There is only one has been who can rise to the top for another 15 minutes before their star fades forever.

“The couple denied their shot at the semi-finals is: Romeo and Chelsie.”

Looks like the Karate Kid has made a comeback! At his track home in Temecula, Mr. Miyagi sheds one single tear as he takes a bite of his cup of noodles.

How am I supposed to live without you, Michael Bolton? Now that I’ve been lovin’ you so long. How am I supposed to live without you, Michael Bolton? How am I supposed to carry on, when all that I’ve been livin’ for is gone.