Saddle Ranch: E.T. Phone the Law

How ya’ll doin this wet week?  Oh, you perverts and your dirty minds!  I meant wet cause of these crazy and dibilitating floods!  Not to make a joke about it, cause it’s not funny, and we should all be praying like crazy for the victims.  On to a lighter note, this week on SR, Nancee is featured in a storyline that looks as boring as my sex life, and I will most likely skip the entirety of it.  Shead a tear?  Didn’t think so.  We have mucho other material to cover due to the fact that apparently Racheal loses her fucking mind this week.  I hate to say it, but I TOLD YOU SO!!! It was only a matter of time, my friends.  Sooooo, on that note, let’s get to it.

Montage of the happy couple frolicking thruought town, laughing and flirting.  It’s nauseating, to say the least.  Robb tells us via interview that she’s a dope chick and he looks foreward to getting to know her more.  Jesus Christ.  How many GD times are we gonna hear this same statement from this tool.  WE GET IT!!! How long does it take for him to “get to know her better”?  We already know he banged her on their first dinner date (in front of the poor dog, who’s probably blind now).  Ugh. THEN we get an interview from Rach saying the more she gets to know Robb, the more she likes him.  Um, seriously, is this a re-run?  I’m for real.  And annoyed.  I’m skipping the rest of this scene before my forehead vein explodes.

On to even more boring things.  Nancee is at M.O.O.’s apartment giving her friend Melinda a haircut.  I’m thinkin M.O.O. should be next, cause he looks like a Cocker Spaniel after an all night coke binge.

“C’mon girl!  Hook me up, i’ll hook you up.”

Nancee tells Melinda and M.O.O. that she’s been doing hair for 6 years.  Where, exactly, is what I want to know.  She then says that doing hair is her dream.  Sooo, she’s already achieved her dream?  I confused.  And I’m too bored to care.

Nightime at SR.  Robb and Rach working shift together.  Robb FINALLY admits that working with someone you like is awkward.  THANK YOU !!!  He says something about the workspace being the size of a Honda Civic.  God, he’s dumb.  Ruh rooooohh…then we see this:

Another cute bartender?  Shit, meet fan.

Me thinky Racheal might be an unhappy bunny in about 3…..2…..1…

“Nope.  I’m fine.  No seriously.  I’m fine.  Fuck your mother.  I’m good, for real.”

How DARE Robb talk to another girl, who (BTW), he’s known since the day he started working at SR!  Jeez.  I was under the impression that Rach was a LITTLE bit mature.  Guess not.  She pulls the whole “That’s why I don’t trust any girls.  That’s why i’m not friends with girls.  Cause they’re coniving bitches” thing, and I wanna gouge her eyes out. Soooo, this Sarah chick is a coniving, untrustworthy bitch why?  Help me out here, Rach.  THIS IS WHY GUYS THINK ALL GIRLS ARE CRAZY!!!

Noah is “all up in the mix”, as Rach puts it, and Noah tells us via interview “I’ve known Racheal forever, and she’s a really good girl.  She’s from Jersey (shocker), and I’m from Chicago.  It doesn’t get more hardcore than that.”  I’d love to make a list of the many things that are wrong/ignorant about that statement, but I have a massive headache that won’t allow me to.  Robb tells her that she has nothing to worry about cause he’s not “THAT guy”.  She tells him “prove it”.  Grrr…this is annoying as fuck.  I really hate this episode so far, if you can’t tell.  Racheal interviews “If you’re gonna love me, you gotta love me at my good, and at my bad, or you can’t love me at all”.  Sooooo….He has to love your at your best (S’in his D), and at her worst (a repulsive psycho).  Cool.  Got it.  You might want to tell Robb that.

“Take it or leave it, SUCKA!!!”

For the buzzkill segment of today (well, the first one), Candy decides that she doesn’t like Nancee’s attitude AS SHE CLOCKS IN!  So she tells her some shit about putting on her “Happy SR face, and suck it up”.  I’d tell HER to suck a dick and brush her hair, but that’s just me.  All of a sudden, Nancee creams her panties (sorry for the visual), cause Kim Vo walks in.  For those of you who don’t know, Vo is a very famous and talented hair stylist.

There’s NO WAY production had anything to do with this guy’s visit to SR.  NO. WAY.

Of course, Vo and his group (who are also hair-people) sit at Nancee’s table, and he remembers her from some party at Perez Hilton’s house (eew), and Nancee is flattered.  Nancee is seeking advice, so Vo tells her “Get a couple drinks in me, and I’ll tell you everything”.  Suh-weet!  So, after a couple drinks (I’m assuming), Vo tells Nancee “You’ve got to sleep your way to the middle, then claw your way to the top.”  He’s dead serious, and I like this guy already!

Not. Kidding.

Nancee tells him she LOVES to do up-dos, which I think is actually great, cause from my understanding, most stylists dread this particular task, so thumbs up, girl.  Vo decides it would be a great idea to have some sort of  ”up-do off” using the massive mountains of cotton candy SR sells.  Nancee thinks this will be a blast.  I, however, think it will be a pointless disaster, but lets see, just for the hell of it.  Just as predicted, this ends up being a complete waste of time.  Why?  Cause cotton candy is nothing like hair.  See image below.

Case, meet point

Either way, it’s a blast for them all (excluding me, you all, and the entire viewing audience), but it’s time to move on.

Yipee!  It’s shitstorm time, folks!  The entire crew (who’s working SR right now?) needs to have a little fun, so they all head down the street to let loose (aka-get shithoused and act like whitetrash), and guess who I snapshot-caught canoodling?

Frenemies fa life!

They’re all gettin bombed, and Racheal decides it’s about time to throw a temper tantrum.  No one knows why, and I certainly don’t care.  I’m happy as a clam right now, reguardless.  Ok, Gasmii.  What I’ve decided to do is opt to provide you with images and captions of the actual dialogue of this debacle, cause it’s the best way for me to give you the full effect of what happens here, so here goes:

Drinky drinky, happy happy

Storm out “What’s your deal?”

“Leave me ALONE! Seriously!”

“Get the fuck away from me, I swear!”

“Get your fucking hands off me, I hate you!”

“I swear to God, don’t fucking touch me!”

Time to pay the tab

Ok.  Everyone with me so far? Oh no no, people, we’re not done.  Racheal is still volatile, and I guess she’s leaning on some guy, who tells her to please get off of him.  Of course, she gets all offended, tells him to find his balls or something, then he tells her to find her balls then this:

“Wanna see my balls?  I’ll show you my beer balls!”

So the guy swats her hands away, like any human with even minimal reflexes would.  So, of course, Robb must flop out his balls too.

Then she shouldn’t be acting like a man.  There, I said it.

Big brawl.  Fists flying everywhere, and a heat lamp falls on Robb.

Um…..security?  Crickets?

Robb has a bloody nose, and a burned hand.  Racheal has a bloody nose too, from what I can see.  Law enforcement shows up, and takes control of the situation as follows:

“No, officer.  It was merely a ketchup fight gone terribly wrong.”

Anyway, no one was arrested (Boooo), and no one was hospitalized (Yawn).

Next day.  Robb and Noah recap what happened, and decide that Robb’s burned hand resembles E.T. fingers.

I personally can’t tell, but good luck bartending with a burned hand, Playa.

Later that day, Racheal comes over to be scolded by Robb, and he does a great job.  FOR ABOUT 25 SECONDS! He waits for that 1 tear…..

Crocodile Cunter

And just like that…

Boooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Well, either Robb is the biggest pussy EVA, or he’s strategically putting this on tap as his “get out of jail free” card for when he gets wasted in the future, and does something equally as foolish.  I hope for the latter.  How bout you?

Well, thanks for stickin it out with me through what I consider to be a super duper dissappointment of an episode.  Next week, there’s an employee bull-riding contest, and Racheal calls Nancee fat.  What an asshole!

OH!  I forgot!  I’m gonna be an aunt!! My sis found out yesterday that she’s got a bun in the oven! Yipee!  I can’t wait to teach that lil’ rugrat how to say every cuss word known to man.  Teeheehee.

Love ya!

Tmurdaxoxoxo