News flash to Shparkle and Heather: Everyone in show business does what everyone else has always done. viz: Lady Gaga – Madonna. EVERYONE. There’s no patent on selling your daughter to the highest bidder, you know. Oh hello, Gypsy Rose Lee and Mama Rose. Dina and Lindsay Lohan. Kate Gosselin and those 6 or 8 or 15 kids. Everyone does the exact same thing and everyone thinks it’s different. And it’s not.
Why the hell is Lifetime’s new motto “Your Life. Your Time. Lifetime”. We know what the word “lifetime” means, morons!
Back to the smackdown, and Heather is alleging that Andrew doesn’t even communicate with her. He says “I don’t feel like I’m on your team half the time. You don’t make me feel like I’m on the team half the time”. Heather responds “I don’t feel like you’re on the team, man”. Dig it?
And here’s our weekly marine biology lesson. Andrew shares “I know Heather thinks I’m a shark. You know what, sometimes sharks cry too. You just can’t tell ’cause they’re swimming around in the ocean”. Can fish cry? No.
Doves can, though.
Aloud, Andrew says “How dare you speak like that! I never once -” Heather starts to respond, and Shparkle butts in to say “This is my rodeo”. And your fifth of rye, from the looks of it. Heather shares she’s surprised Andrew still has a job, it’s his own fault and she doesn’t feel sorry for him.
Returning to the room, Shparkle is yelling (and this is verbatim): “Number one on your list to play on this ol’ girl. (Is she comparing herself to a jukebox?) I’m pissed. (Yeah, we know.) I’m gonna talk. (What do you think you’ve been doing for 20 minutes?) Eden Wood better be number one to play on this team. So if you want in this team you gotta drop her”. Ah, the dulcet tones and elegant phrasing by ol’Drunky.
Andrew immediately reaches for his phone and says “I’ll drop her right now. Want to see me drop it?” Shparkle responds “Drop it because Eden is your number one priority”. While Andrew is texting, he shares he never thought he couldn’t have 2 clients under the age of 10. Shparkle continues “I want your loyalty. I wanna be able to trust you because right now I feel very deceived”. Andrew shows Shparkle and Heather his text dismissing his other client. Which is a totally unprofessional thing to do, BTW. Shparkle goes on to say “actions speak louder than words. You need to show me by your actions that you believe in my daughter and you are willing to be on the team”. Um, didn’t he just do that?
Over to Paducah, to another jacked-up fictitious “pageant”, “Kentucky Superstars”. I’m hungry for chicken. Also those little corn cob-ettes, does KFC still sell those? We’re reminded again about Belle’s grandmother. Eden shares she hopes Mom lets Belle shine. Shparkle shares that Andrew is coming too, and she hopes he’ll be a team player. We see Andrew in the audience, very obviously trying to talk to contestants and be what he perceives as supportive and engaged in a totally fake way. He shares it’s a complete waste of time. Yeah, we can tell.
Andrew then inexplicably decides to go back and talk to Cutabitch. He asks if she needs anything, and she says just stick around. At this (one and only) point, she’s actually not too unfriendly. Andrew fools around near a fall (to me, he looked like he fell into the table it was on), and Cutabitch says if he messes it up he has to fix it. Andrew says it’s not hair, it’s styrofoam, and Cutabitch responds “that’s somebody’s hair that I fixed”. Well, “fixed” is a relative term. However, that leads to the following scintillating repartee:
“That’s not real hair”.
“Yes, it is”.
“No, it’s fake”.
“It’s human hair”.
“It’s fake, this whole thing is fake, all pageants are fake”.
“It’s. Human. Hair”.
“It’s fake. Look at this. Look at all this makeup. This is such a waste of time”.
“What are you doing here?”
“What are you doing here?”