Elf Review: Nightmare on Elf Street

It’s that time of year again – the time when we’re all huddled on our couches, trying to stay warm in our new Forever Lazies (or Snuggies if you’re old school) and wishing we had something to watch, since our shows are all on hiatus.

Well, we sweet elves at TVgasm have got something for you. Like any good taskmaster (i.e. Santa), our boss has asked us all to review Christmas themed entertainment for your reading pleasure during your time off.

Get ‘er done!

And like any good elf, I eagerly stepped up to the plate and agreed to participate. What I didn’t know was that Flipit, evil genius that he is, wasn’t handing me a Christmas story to review. He was assigning me a horror film. I protested, I begged, I pleaded, but no, Flipit threatened to withhold my paycheck if I didn’t deliver this assignment. So, after copious amounts of Vodka and Valium, I steeled myself to watch what might be the scariest Christmas film ever. I give to you: Elf.

Mind you, before watching this film I had no idea it was a scary movie. My first hint came from the DVD menu.

OMG is this going to be a fright fest?

But still, being a Pollyanna and all, I had hope until this happened:

The opening credits are all delivered in pop-up book format!

Pop-up books are really, really scary, ever since I found this:

And I’m not the only one who thinks so. Check out this You Tube video. Pop up books are scary This poor kid was petrified of his own birthday present. The dad’s laugh is creepy too, which is probably adding to the little boy’s terror.

But I digress.

If I’m going to have to sit through effing pop-ups, I’m going to have to go bigger than vodka. So I hit pause and get my self some good old fashioned yule tide cheer. What I need is a Burnt Turkey.

Screw the crushed ice, shake filter, measurements, blah blah blah. Just dump the ingredients in an over-sized coffee mug and throw it back.

Ah, but I digress yet again. Focus, Luscious, focus. I guess the mixture of booze and pills are starting to take effect. I’ve got a pleasant warm fuzzy haze feeling. I think maybe I can tough this thing out now.

We’re still being tortured by pop-ups and now this weird animated penguin appears on to the screen. He keeps trying to turn pop-up pages and keeps getting squashed. I have a very bad feeling about all of this.

Jon Favreau???

So now our poor little penguin (that apparently flies) is attempting to battle a strong head wind. That’s when we find out the film has been directed by Jon Favreau. Remember that really scary scene in Swingers when we watched him strolling towards a cliff? (watch Jon Favreau in Swingers) We all knew he was going to step over the edge and yet we couldn’t help but watch the horrific train wreck he created. I still shudder at the thought.

All these omens point to a frightening movie. The pop-ups have ended and I make a quick run to the bathroom to make sure I don’t pee myself when the going gets rough. Then, I bravely push play on the remote.

An elf-looking creature appears, but he is only a drawing.

Is this whole show going to be animation?

No, right before my bleary eyes, the cartoon morphs into none other than Bob Newhart!

I am so relieved.

Bob Newhart is a man you can trust. He’ll be my guiding light, my anchor in the storm. No matter how bad it gets, Bob will be by my side blinking innocently and stumbling over gentle words of reassurance. I feel so much better.

Bob says hello and tells us about what it means to be an elf. Typically there are three jobs an elf can do. They can work as shoe makers, but the pay is only in food, clothes and thank yous. This is undesirable work as the compensation sucks and it often leads to a life of crime and unfortunately, there isn’t much of value owned by a cobbler.

The second career available to elves is the seemingly peaceful and delicious life of a Keebler elf. Sadly, there is a dark side to living and baking in a tree.

The homeowners insurance is astronomical.

And then there is “the show”. The big time. The dream of all elves – to serve in Santa’s workshop building toys for good little girls and boys.

Poor, delusional elves.

They have no idea the power Santa has over them. They are so brainwashed, they believe working long hours with unrealistic production quotas is a privilege. What these little guys need is a union! Newhart elf tells us that they did try to recruit other little people, but they were all too smart to fall for Santa’s trickery.

The gnomes saw through Santa’s ruse and just stayed drunk until they were fired. The trolls weren’t as smart, but luckily they were tipped off by the gnomes before they got to the North Pole, so they just pretended they didn’t understand the concept of a toilet and they were let go soon thereafter.

No, the life of an elf is an ethnocentric one. In fact, no human had ever set foot in the North Pole. That is, until the day Buddy arrived. And with that, Bob informs us, our story begins. I’m settling in, ready to have Bob hold my hand and lead me through this horror flick. But then…

Bob turns back into a cartoon! No, Bob – don’t leave me – please. I need you. And what the hell – do they force the poor elves to live in books when they are not being useful? Crap, I’m going to have to go this one on my own.

And so our story starts.

It’s Christmas time and we’re in something like the hotel in  Shining.

A nun walks in, carrying the hero of our story in baby form. Apparently, this is the Shining Orphanage, where babies are put to bed in nothing but a diaper.

It’s DECEMBER, lady!!!

The wicked nun pretends to really care about this baby, telling him as she wraps him in his one thin blanket that hopefully by next year he’ll have a real home. Yeah, we get it – the baby is an orphan. I don’t think any of us ever considered this was your love child. I’m freaking, though because there is some scary ass shadows lurking around our little baby.

But baby doesn’t seemed phased by them at all. He happily settles in with his bottle and starts sucking on the infant formula I’m sure the beyatch cut with baby powder to make it last until next year when his tiny ass is outta there.

Run, baby, run!

Just then, we hear a noise. It’s coming from the fire place. You think someone might have thought to light a damn fire with a room full of naked babies, but no, not in this hell hole. Suddenly a bag drops from the chimney. Then we see a pair of legs. Next we cut to Ed Asner crouching as if he was just climbing out of the chimney. But we know it wasn’t him because he was like 50 on the Mary Tyler Moore show in the ’70′s, so now he’s gotta be at least 105. Anyway, Ed Asner is Santa.

Sorry folks, I have to digress yet again. But it’s time someone outed Santa. No, I’m not saying Santa is gay.

Not that it hasn’t been suggested.

What I mean is, it is time someone spoke up and addressed the questionable practices of this man. Let’s review. Here is a man who works one night a year. The rest of the year he has little minions busting their asses for most likely no wages, creating products that he distributes on his one night of employment. He doesn’t request money from the recipients of said products, so what is his payoff, hm? I’ll tell you what his payoff is. He eats people.

Seriously, think of all the missing people that remain unaccounted for throughout the world. Think of all those conspiracy theorists who are sure the government is covering up alien invasions. They’re right, the government is covering up something. It’s the agreed upon silent contract between the world and Santa. For our one night of free gifts and heart warming love, we must sacrifice a few humans.

Hasn’t anyone read H.G.Well’s The Time Machine? Remember the peaceful Eloi of the future? These are (were? will be?) gentle beasts who can’t provide for themselves, and so are tended to by scary Morlocks by day. But by night they serve as Morlock supper. We are the Eloi and Santa is a Morlock. Or to be more precise

Santa is Satan (with a doobie, apparently).

That’s what makes this film so frighteningly horrific. I know about Santa, so I know what he’s thinking as he peruses a room full of tender fleshed babies.

. Wish I had some fava beans.

Now that you understand my fear, let’s get back to the film.

Finally, our little baby takes notice that things are not right with the world. He decides to attempt a jail break.

That’s right, baby. Get the hell out of there!

But Santa is crafty. He conveniently left his bag open with a tempting lure that no baby could resist.

Don’t do it, baby!

Did he do it? Did baby climb into the bag? We’re not sure. The film cuts to the next scene: Santa has finished his night of hard work and returns to his workshop, where his elves are forced to tell him how wonderful he is and how much they adore him.

But what’s this?

The teddy bear is still in Santa’s bag. So let me get this straight, chuckles, you brought along a teddy bear you never intended to give away? I rest my case – the bear was a trap to lure fragile minded children. Cookies and milk my ass.

And then, damn it, darling baby emerges from the bag.

Even Santa is surprised at how successful his lure worked. He has an internal debate about what to do with the child.

He can’t eat it in front of the elves (I’m pretty sure they don’t know about his appetite) and he can’t send it home, since he doesn’t know where it came from (besides, hopefully he values his reindeer more than his elves – they need to rest.)

And now we see Newhart elf again! I wish I could be happy to see him, but now he’s part of the story. He’s no help to me anymore. Newhart elf has always dreamed of having a little boy.

Heil Santa!

Satansanta decides it’s a good idea to let Newhart raise the baby. My guess is he thinks a nice aged steak would be better than veal and here’s a feast he can have any time of year with little to no effort.

Newhart names the little one Buddy because the baby was wearing a Little Buddy diaper and it wouldn’t be right to call him Santa’s Last Meal. We get a reprieve from the terror while we watch Little Buddy grow up.

He had a really nice childhood and it appears elves age slower than humans. But already the horror is creeping back because we can see that being around Santa has affected our little displaced human.

All this Santa brainwash bullshit that works so well with elves is beginning to wear on Buddy.

He’s starting to look crazy.

Clearly Buddy was on the really short bus in elf school and now that he’s graduated, his dad tries to find a job he can do where he can fit in. Newhart shows Buddy Santa’s sleigh. Since it used to fly on Christmas cheer or belief in Santa or some such crap, it has to be retrofitted with rocket boosters in today’s age of greedy, depressing consumerism. Commercials like this  (Game on, Santa) don’t help.

As Buddy is investigating the sleigh, I realize Jon Favereau is taunting us. He’s slipping in little homages to other scary movies to remind us this is not meant to be a happy Christmas story.

 

Having Buddy as a sleigh repair assistant must not work because the next thing we see, he’s been relegated to the big show and is trying to make toys along with the other elves.

Poor Buddy is trying to make Etch-A-Sketches and failing to match other elf quotas. In a humiliating moment, all the other elves overhear the foreman suggest Buddy try something a little less complicated, like toy testing. That’s when I spot another horror reference:

in a casting look-alike ode to Lili Taylor, star of such horror classics as The Haunting and cult favorite straight to video The Addiction. Nice one, Mr. Favreau, but I don’t really need any more reminders, k?

So poor Buddy is now a toy tester and both he and I are being tortured by the always upsetting Jack In The Box. God I hate these toys. What child in their right mind finds them amusing? I think they were invented by a sociopath. Actually I just looked it up and the credit for this instrument of torture goes to Sir John Schorne of England in the late 1200′s, who apparently believed he had cast the devil into a boot. He was also said to be a pious man and orchestrated a lot of “cures”, but that religious thing is a whole ‘nother scary box of worms and I’m not gonna go there. Suffice it to say, a madman invented this horrific device.

I feel your pain, Buddy!

As our giant elf diligently does his work, he overhears two minime’s talking about none other than himself.

Since there isn’t much Gossip Girl level of salaciousness to lather over, the elves are rehashing the one juicy bit of news in their lives that they’ve probably been repeating for the last 20 years…when will Buddy figure out he’s not an elf?

Wh-Wh-What?

In a land of misfits, Buddy finally understands why he never fit in. His whole life of discomfort flashes before his eyes.

It’s too much for Buddy. We’re back to the Shining again as Buddy races through the snow running home to escape the news.

He hides in the bathroom until his dad finds him and convinces him to come out and talk.

Poor guy!

Newhart tells Buddy that he is in fact a human. Somehow, he knows Buddy’s story and even has a picture of Buddy’s parents. And guess what. Buddy’s dad is still alive! I can’t blame his mom for never telling James Caan he had a kid. Would you want James Caan as your father?

I can see the resemblance, though.

But why didn’t the nuns contact Mr. Caan when Buddy’s mom kicked the bucket? If Newhart knows Buddy’s story, then they must have too, right? Maybe the nuns were just that evil. Or Santa is a psychic.

Either way, Newhart gives Buddy the scoop and tells Buddy his dad can be found in here:

He means New York City, not the snow globe, although it did confuse both me and Buddy for a minute. Newhart tells Buddy he must now go find his roots. And so, Buddy sets out on a quest to find his real father and learn about his real home. At first I figured he’d hitch a ride with the reindeer, but I’m guessing Santa would never agree to helping Buddy escape his prime rib destiny. Truly, I think it’s a miracle Buddy is getting out of the North Pole alive. Where was Santa during all this?

Ah, that makes sense.

Turns out Buddy is apparently going to walk to New York! Thank goodness he’s learned about working elf hours with unimaginable quotas, because he literally walks all the way from the North Pole to New York City without once stopping to rest or eat!

As he leaves the only home he’s ever known, the creepy animated penguin is joined by other weird claymation-like objects that look eerily similar to an overstuffed polar mouse and a paraplegic walrus.

Bye, Buddy!

On his way out of town, Buddy is met by the ghost of Burl Ives. What the hell is he doing here?

I don’t remember what Burl said, probably good luck. All I can do is stare in disbelief that now we were going to be dealing with ghosts too. Fuck.

Oops – turns out he’s not leaving just yet. Santa has to give his permission before anyone is allowed to leave the North Pole. Of course, Santa doesn’t want his Swanson’s TV dinner he can have anytime to depart, but he can’t exactly forbid it or the elves would get suspicious. So he tries a scare tactic – he tells Buddy that Walter Hobbs (Buddy’s dad) is on the naughty list.

But Buddy is too optimistic to let something like that stop him. He tells Santa maybe he can restore some Christmas cheer to his father, since they will be going ice skating and eating sugar plums and making snow angels. Santa has no choice but to accept that Buddy will be slipping from his clutches – for the moment.

Yay! Buddy’s going to escape!

So now Buddy starts on his journey and once again he talks to Leon, the Burl Ives snowman ghost and the creepy characters he calls Arctic puppets.

WTF??

I am sure there is supposed to be significance to these but I have no idea what it is, so let’s just move on.

Buddy approaches a frozen lake and hops onto an iceberg. This travels a great distance because by the time he reaches the candy cane forest, it has already melted.

Great – just add environmental scare tactics in there too. Thanks.

Buddy goes on quite a journey – literally through mountains, forests, river and dale. I’m guessing Buddy hoofed it on glaciers until he reached Canada, where he then ran into wonderful friendly Canadian folks like this one.

Fact: most Canadians are rabid.

This is when we realize just how naive Buddy really is. He thinks this little canuck simply needs a friendly hug.

Buddy has a lot to learn.

Luckily, the Lincoln Tunnel is apparently connected to Canada, so after a harrowing experience walking the last 500 miles without a gas mask, Buddy emerges in NYC!

He made it!

For some reason, Buddy decides to familiarize himself with this petrifying city before seeking out dad. Not sure why – maybe he couldn’t spot the Empire State Building in the skyline. So he spends a harrowing montage learning about revolving doors, discarded gum on the streets and New York City taxis.

Oops!

Finally, Buddy finds the Empire State Building.

 

Just saying.

Buddy goes in.

We cut to the office of Walter Hobbs, Buddy’s naughty list dad.

He’s a charming man, currently giving the smack down to a deadbeat client who won’t pay her bills.

You get her, Mr. Hobbs!

It’s people like her who are everything that is wrong with America. Make good on your debts and stop trying to live off the system, lady.

So Buddy arrives and runs into Amy Sedaris, Hobb’s adorable, inept secretary. She could be the scariest of all, as we catch the tail end of her plans to de-claw kittens at her trailer home, free of charge.

Amy thinks Buddy is a Christmasgram, a word that delights our misfit elf. So, she lets him right in to see his dad. No one realizes at first that Buddy is just a lederhosen clad delusional, and they are all eagerly anticipating his performance. He banters with this dad.

Did Santa call you?

Finally it occurs to them that this is just a crazy guy.

AWKWARD!

So Buddy gets escorted out of the building. One of the security guys callously suggests Buddy go back to Gimbel’s – which I suppose would mean Buddy should go back in time, since Gimbel’s closed in 1987!

 

Or not.

From ghost snowmen to ghost buildings. What is this, LOST? Maybe next they’ll make the Island of Manhattan disappear. Sheesh!

Buddy takes the advice and starts to explore Gimbel’s.

Suddenly he’s spotted and mistaken for an errant employee of the kids section. As his presumed boss is yelling at him for shopping on company time, he heads to the “North Pole”, Gimbel’s Christmas money trap for kids who want to visit Santa. The boss tells Buddy to get back to work, but Buddy has just spotted the most charming human elf ever.

It’s New Girl!

Why do the sides of her boobs look like they have residual deodorant on them? By the way, have you watched New Girl? I tried – I really wanted to like it because Zooey D is super cute, despite the pretentious spelling of her name. But I couldn’t get into it. I didn’t find anyone relatable, especially Zooey. Her awkwardness didn’t give me the warm fuzzies that I feel for the boys of Big Bang Theory. Sorry, New Girl.

Buddy is enraptured by her guarded and distant ways. She’s a little put off by his open, friendly nature, after all, she’s just trying to get through the holidays. But Buddy is persistent and follows her around telling her she should sing to feel happy.

“Look, I can sing, freakboy. I just choose not to.”

But Buddy decides to persuade her that it isn’t hard to sing in front of other people.

New Girl looks like an action figure.

But Buddy is growing on her.

So now it’s closing time and New Girl is going to head home. Before they close, the supervisor mentions to everyone that Santa will be there tomorrow.

Buddy goes ballistic.

Buddy doesn’t think they are ready to receive Santa. So after all the lights go out, he pilfers from the bedding department and the toy department and stays up all night creating a magical world for Santa. It is very clear that Buddy must have been top of his class when they learned to make paper snowflakes.

This is Buddy’s wonderland.

It’s early dawn and Buddy hears singing. He follows the trail into the women’s locker room. Inside is New Girl (aka Jove) singing a gorgeous song.

Her voice is like a red velvet cupcake.

Buddy softly sings the duet with Jove while she showers. And I’m left to wonder the following:
A: Is this about to become a Psycho scene?
B: Why is Jove in the shower at work so early?
C: How does Buddy know the words to the song?

Anyway, Jove realizes she isn’t alone and scares Buddy away by screaming.

So now,  I guess it is still fairly early morning, but not too early, and Buddy heads to the Empire State Building to drop off a gift for his dad.

Of course he gets escorted out, but at least
the security guards agree to pass on his present.

Now it’s apparently rush hour and I guess all that work and effort has tuckered Buddy out because for some reason Gimbel’s hasn’t opened up yet but Buddy is asleep in the store window as James Caan walks by, apparently on his way to work.

The timeline is a little confusing – I think I’m gonna need more alcohol.
And why did Buddy choose the little boy mannequin to sleep with?

So spotting Buddy in the window has gotten Hobbs (Caan) to thinking. Then he receives Buddy’s odd gift (that negligee “for the perfect someone”) and a home-made card.

How does this weird guy have this photo?

Meanwhile, Buddy is back at work, talking to Jove.

The talk out the whole shower debacle – turns out Jove has to use the shower because they turned off the water in her apartment. When she finds out Buddy did the decorating, she tells him the manager is pretty upset about the decorations because he thinks someone is gunning for his job. She tells Buddy not to mention that he made the magical realm they are all working in. Then, “Santa” arrives. Buddy is completely stoked, but what’s this?

Buddy detects an imposter.

Ain’t no one going to pull a Single White Female over on Santa while Buddy’s around. First he tries intimidation.

You sit on a throne of lies!

It isn’t until after Buddy tells the poor man that he smells like beef and cheese (as opposed to charred human) and rips off the man’s beard that things turn rough.

At least for the stunt double.

This lands our little Elf in jail. Luckily he gets one phone call and he wisely calls dad.

Hobbs bails out Buddy and decides to take him to the only doctor he can think of – his other son’s pediatrician, played by none other than our illustrious director, Mr. Favreau.

Seriously, what pediatrician’s office is this creepy?
You have a very dark side, Mr. Favreau.

They take a DNA sample and turns out Buddy really is Hobb’s son!

Congratulations, it’s a boy!

What else is there to do but take Buddy home and introduce him to the family? Walter tries to warn his wife that Buddy is “different”, but she doesn’t believe him until they return home to a wonderland of their own.

Turns out Buddy likes to always have the place feel like Christmas. And he is a big fan of sugar. Really big. Witness his burp. Personally, I’m freaked out by the dangling eating utensils. What’s up with that?

Maybe it’s a foreshadow to the 2009 You Tube sensation Death By Spoon.

So Buddy now has a step-mom (Mary Steenburgen) and a brother named Michael. They decide to leave him at home for the day. After being petrified of the radiator (who wouldn’t – those ancient dinosaurs make some scary ass sounds in those aging NYC apartments), Buddy decides to wait for Michael to get out of school. How he knows where Michael’s school is, or even how to get there is beyond me, but then again, this guy did set out on foot from the North Pole without so much as a map. Maybe Elves and reindeer have internal GPS systems. He waits outside for something like 5 hours, and of course, Michael is completely embarrassed to be seen with him. That is, until they have to cross a snowball battlezone.

Suddenly, Michael couldn’t ask for a better brother, because Buddy kicks ass at snowball fights.

Snowball superhero.

Clearly the elves did teach Buddy a few useful skills. After that, Michael is into his big brother and Buddy has finally found a playmate who he can do fun stuff with. They decide to ransack Gimbel’s.

The bedding department has recovered from Buddy’s decorating pilfer.

Their play naturally leads them to the North Pole where Jove is working. Michael can tell right away that Buddy likes her. He encourages big bro to ask her out.

“You want to go eat food?”

Jove tells Buddy she’s free on Thursday and asks him if Gimbel’s gave him his old job back. He replies they gave him something better – a restraining order. So Jove makes sure he quickly leaves before their manager sees him. That guy is hella pissed that they lost their other Santa.

Okay, folks. The alkeehol has started to take affect and I’m afraid I’m beginning to regret taking on the monstrous task of proving to you how scary this movie is. Also I’m running out of ammunition. Plus I’m already at like 10 pages and we’re not even close to done. I can’t believe I haven’t passed out yet. So we’re going to hit the accelerator and fast forward a bit. Okay?

The family realizes Buddy can’t stay at home alone, so he has to go to work with Dad now.

Dad, my stuffed pig chair is collapsing.

Dad gets the brilliant idea to send disruptive Buddy to the “shiny mail room” and put him to work. There, Buddy makes a friend who shares his special syrup with Buddy. Pretty soon, they’re too drunk to do more than this.

Which soon turns Coyote Ugly.

Meanwhile, Dad is busting ass to save his job and come up with a new book idea, since his last one was an epic fail.

Next, Buddy goes out on his date with Jove. I hope he isn’t still as sloshed as I am, but it would make sense since he skips her all over town showing her Christmas trees and bad coffee.

Note to men; apparently cheap dates work.

A euphoric Buddy bursts into Hobb’s meeting to tell him he is in love and discovers a very special person.

It’s Peter Dinklage! Best actor (under 5′) ever.

Buddy is delighted to see an elf! However, Miles Finch, the author hired to save Buddy’s dad from termination does not appreciate the term.

I bet Buddy is used to this from school.

Hobbs tells Buddy he never wants to see him again after Miles Finch storms off in a huff of ruffled feathers.

No wonder he’s on the naughty list.

Buddy is all alone on Christmas Eve.

Michael goes out trying to find Buddy and begs his dad to come help him. In a last minute soul salvation, Dad quits his job to be able to help Michael find Buddy. Meanwhile, Buddy spots Santa in trouble.

Drunken reindeer. I can relate.

Santa lost the turbo rocket and there isn’t enough Xmas spirit to run the sleigh without it. Buddy has to help him fix the sleigh. As Buddy searches for the rocket, he runs into Michael and Dad. He takes them to meet Santa.

Santa, of course wants to get out of there as soon as possible. The Central Park Rangers are hot on his tail. They know he’s a man eater and they’ve been hunting him for years. Unsuspecting Buddy recruits Dad and Michael to help the evil man in red get away. Hobbs tries to distract the scary looking mounties.

But these guys know who their real killer is.

They don’t miss a beat zipping past disguised Hobbs in search of the real Satansanta. Michael runs off to talk to the news cameras and try to convince people that Santa is real. As he reads from Santa’s list of what people want for Christmas, the season Spiritometer starts to come to life. Jove and Mary Steenburgen have now shown up for our climax and Jove quotes Buddy’s elf school teachings about spreading Christmas cheer by singing loud for all to hear. So she braves her own fear of singing in front of others to help save the most notorious serial killer in the universe.

It’s starting to work!

Buddy is doing his best to get the rocket re-attached to the sleigh and to get the whole thing going again. Frankly, I’m worried about the reindeer lugging around a heavy sleigh with no buoyancy. This can’t be good for their backs. The sleigh is careening out of control, and Buddy is now in it. What the hell?

Maybe this was all a ruse for Santa to get back his promised bowl of Buddy pho.

Just as I suspected, Santa proves me right by scaring Buddy with the dreaded Jack In the Box.

Fright releases hormones that tenderize the meat.

They start to gain more altitude and things are looking good for Santa to make his rounds, but then, the rocket falls off again! Luckily by now Jove has got the entire nation singing along with her and the holiday spirit takes over.

Santa flies off with our little hero, leaving Jove to her original fate of spinsterhood. Nice job, girl but you brought this on yourself.

Bye, beautiful girl elf!

And so our story ends. Santa manages to deliver all the toys that year and the good news is, no one (other than Buddy) disappeared. Santa relaxed after his long night of gift giving with tender faux-elf in a cherry wine sauce. He called it Buddy Bordeaux.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!

Just kidding. I guess Santa let Buddy live, because our movie ends with Newhart.

I can’t believe Jove agreed to wear pink.

 

 

Him again? Why are you here? Go away creepy snow ghost!

 

 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM LUSCIOUS AND TVGASM!

 

Check out Luscious’ regular recaps of Tough Love Miami here.

 

 

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