Aquaman vs. Spider-Man

This week’s Entourage gave us a front row seat into the messy world of box office numbers. It’s become a sport recently to predict how movies will do on their opening weekend. It’s also become something of a precursor to the fate of a film and/or box office star. So you can see why Ari hasn’t unleashed the Gold-Member on Mrs. Ari in a few weeks due to superstition. This is a big day for him, The Ari Gold Super Duper Talent Agency (maybe if I keep calling it that, the Entourage guys will change the name?) and the usually aloof Vince, who much like the Chenbot has become self-aware. The normally vacant prettyboy starts off typically lax about the impending box office numbers, but once Turtle mentions that eight-legged freak Tobey Maguire and Spider-Man’s record breaking holy grail opening weekend, Vince turns all green eyed monster. No not the Hulk, you comic nerds (or is that just me) he gets supremely jealous over Tobey’s big, umm, numbers. Will Vinnie trump Tobey? Could Aquaman take on Spider-man? Will Mrs. Ari and little Ari ever meet FACE to VAG again? The answers to these questions and MORE coming up!I hate getting woken up by the telephone, and I think I’d hate it even more if I was woken up by Ari Gold. I can’t imagine that his is the first voice anyone wants to hear in the morning, especially E. Ari’s in bed so he wants E to talk dirty to him. Shudder…

Ari is explaining to Eric the importance of today. Today, Aquaman opens and the magic opening number goal is… $95 million. WOW. That’s a pretty big prediction. Just to let you know how big, theoretically if the fictional Aquaman did open to $95 million it would be the sixth biggest opening of all-time (after Spider-Man, Star Wars: Episode III – The Revenge of the Sith, Shrek 2, X-Men: The Last Stand and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire). Those are some pretty big fins to fill. Eric feigns interest and heads back to bed, but Ari is ready for his day, after denying his wife sex on game day. It might be opening day, but Ari tells Mrs. Ari to keep her legs shut. Once the movie opens he’ll unleash his pent-up Jewish fury on her, he promises. Mrs. Ari, never missing an opportunity to rip off her husband’s balls, asks what if the movie doesn’t open? Ari doesn’t appreciate the lack of support and storms off into the bathroom. Jeez, let’s hope this movie does open; I can’t imagine what Mrs. Ari would be like not getting the one thing out of Ari that she actually likes.

At the boys’ house, chef Johnny Drama is making Vince the least manly breakfast ever: 3 soft boiled eggs, boiled chicken, wheat toast and jam. He also gives him some orange juice so he can wash down his mydol and birth control pill. What did I have for breakfast? I went outside and killed a deer with my bare hands and ate its meat without cooking it. Why do you ask? Regardless, Drama makes this light breakfast for Vince promising that it won’t upset his stomach. But Vince, being ever the cool cat, says he’s not stressed about the day. Drama laughs it off and tells him that even if he doesn’t realize it, he is stressed.

Vince wanted to go see his new flick at an out of the way place, and Turtle walks in to tell him that there is a 2:30 pm showing of Aquaman in the valley, much to Drama’s dismay. It’s going to get to about 100 degrees in the city, and will be even hotter in the nether regions of the Valley. I’m an east coast man myself, so I don’t know much about this “Valley” they speak of, but in my mind it’s the equivalent of say, Staten Island, and if that’s the case, I see Drama’s concern. Drama explains to Vince that he only goes to the Valley for work reasons or from November through March, which is more than I can say for my relationship with Staten Island, which is only meant to be driven through not to. It’s then Turtle’s turn to grill Vince about his feelings on the weekend’s opening numbers. Eric tells Turtle to stop stressing Vince out and once again Vince promises that he isn’t stressed. Vince KNOWS that they are going to open well so he doesn’t need to worry himself, but with Turtle’s nudging he decides to forecast $50 million (which, let’s be honest here, is a much more realistic box office gross). Vince is very pleased with his figure, until Eric tells him that if all they gross is $50 million over the first weekend, they can join Aquaman at the bottom of the ocean. He tells Vince the studio’s projection (big mistake E), and Turtle laughs it off, predicting that they’ll make $1 more that Spider-man to become the highest grossing opening of all-time. Drama shockingly is the voice of reason, saying that Turtle’s numbers are impossible, because Spider-man had a much bigger fan base to begin with. This doesn’t deter Vince from toying with the idea and proclaiming: Presents for everyone if Aqua beats Spidey!

At the Ari Gold Super Duper Talent Agency, Ari is just getting in and the temperature outside is RISING. When he stops by Lloyd’s desk Lloyd is sitting in kind of a weird position, which makes Ari ask if Lloyd is sitting on a butt plug.

You know, it shouldn’t be funny, but this constant sexual harassment/racism makes me laugh every time. Lloyd, however, wasn’t sitting on a butt plug, he just had a Mongolian statuette that is a symbol of strength to give to Ari. Before Ari gets too far Lloyd tells him that he has an appointment with Dr. Marcus and Mrs. Ari, for emergency marriage counseling. Wow. Mrs. Ari really needs to get some Ari love juice, huh?.

Drama is now getting ready for his excursion into the Valley, filling up a cooler with ice and water. HAH! Don’t forget mace and a shot of penicillin. Eric tells him to calm down with the preparation and Drama informs E that “north of Ventura Blvd. is hell’s waiting room.”

Ari calls up E before they leave, and informs him that the east coast numbers are in and they are predicting $100 million. He should’ve said it like Dr. Evil, but we’ll just have to settle for the fact that Mrs. Ari kind of looks like Frau Farbisina. Eric, gets all giddy at the new projection and starts to jump the gun asking if there is anyway that they can do better? Like Tobey Maguire better? This starts to concern Ari, because he doesn’t want Vince to start thinking that the biggest opening in movie history is even something to strive for.

It’s actually a really good scene, because although Eric is the amateur, he often comes off looking like a better manager than he is, because I guess, he’s a good person, and Ari, well, is a dick. But the tables are turned. Ari’s still a dick, but he’s the one who knows how to do his job. Vince starts to pounce on Eric about what Ari said, but backs off, saying he doesn’t want to know until anything is official.

The guys are now on their way to hell’s waiting room, and watching the temperature rise by the second. 105 and counting. Yikes. Just to prove his point (maybe it’s a glandular dysfunction?) Drama is sweating like Whitney Houston without a crack pipe.

The boys get to the theater and there is a line wrapped around the block. Does that even happen anymore? I remember when I was younger you’d wait in line forever to see a new movie, but with all these new quadruplexes showing every movie 20 times an hour, can this even happen?

IS THIS THE LINE FOR THE 2 PM SHOWING OF THE LAKE HOUSE?

They boys are worried about how they are going to get seats in the theater. Isn’t this supposed to be Eric, the manager, Ari, the agent or Shawna, the publicist’s job? But, nah, Turtle instead gave one of the usher’s a signed Aquaman video game and a handjob and poof, they have 4 seats roped off for them in the back. How fancy!

The movie is going over really well, and you can tell because even the hot girls seem interested:

Just as the big scene, in this case, it seems, a massive wave attack, is about to happen, some guy gets up to go to the bathroom, which leads to the funniest moment of the night, when Johnny Vader appears and tells the guy to sit down.

We then get a little present as we are treated to a minute clip of the faux-Aquaman movie. Ugh, how I wish this was real!

FADE TO BLACK! The whole theater goes dark, and then the generator pops on and the movie screen is off. The manager of the theater walks in and informs everyone that there has been a blackout and they can come to the lobby for a refund. Turtle chimes in saying that they’ve already seen half the movie, so why not just give them some free popcorn? Oh Turtle!

As the guys are among the crowd exodus of the theater, my two favorite nerds spot Vince. One of them is the kid from Freaks and Geeks and the other has been in everything from Picket Fences to Gilmore Girls but is probably most well-known for looking exactly like Nickelodeon’s Doug.

They start asking Vince all their nerdy little questions, about the fight sequences and animatronic who’s-a-what’s-it’s each of which Vince checks with Eric, because he just can’t understand what these two mutants are saying. Of course because of the nerd alert, the rest of the theater has started to realize that they are in the presence of a movie star and promptly start flipping out. Vince and the guys run out to Turtle waiting with the car, and one gets the impression that Vince’s days of anonymity are over. If the show delves into that this season, I think it’ll be pretty interesting for our “boy from Queens.”

The guys are in the car stuck in heaping amounts of traffic because all the lights are out due to the blackout, and Drama is complaining about route that Turtle has taken. Eric gets a phone call from Ari, who tells him to be discreet since Vince is around. Apparently, the West Coast numbers came back even bigger than expected. Spidey is in there sights, and they want to squash that bug.. Ari tells Eric not to say anything to Vince, but when Eric hangs up the phone he starts giggling like a little schoolgirl. Vince demands that Eric tell him what Ari just said, and Eric cracks like Michael Jackson at a Boys Scouts meeting, and spills the news and the guys start freaking out. It’s nothing official, but Vince wants to buy some toys anyway. Luckily Turtle has a place to buy goodies in mind. As a matter of fact, just in case of such an instance, Turtle has 1 place in mind within every 10 blocks across the state of California.

Turtle takes the boys to Ducati the motorcycle shop, and shocker, Turtle has his motorcycle picked out. Eric, tells Vince that he doesn’t want a motorcycle, because he doesn’t really want to take a gift “just to take one.” I don’t know if everyone can hear him though because he’s so far away on his high horse. Drama hasn’t picked out a motorcycle, because ever since he lost his Harley to Michael Madsen after “a couple of bleak pilot seasons”, it’s been hard for him to get into a different kind of bike. Vince suggests that tomorrow they’ll head over to Michael Madsen’s house and make him an offer he can’t refuse. Right. Good luck with that. These four guys vs. Mr. Blonde? Johnny Drama will be lucky to leave with his ear still attached. Even if Drama doesn’t like “race rockets” and Eric is too good for such gifts, Vince hands the clerk what I can only imagine is a black American Express and orders 4 motorcycles. BALLLLA.

Ari and Mrs. Ari are with Nora Dunn at a marriage counseling session. Ari is a little agitated. They are talking about their sex life, and Ari’s phone starts ringing, to which Mrs. Ari give him a firm NO. Then she rolls up a newspaper and bats him on the nose. Ari’s had enough! They have sex a lot. More than any other married couple. He knows this because, apparently, when they go out with other married couples they tell them how much sex they have. That’s more awkward than a dinner with the Needlers. The phone rings again, and MRs. Ari reaches for the newspaper, so Ari doesn’t pick it up. Ari continues, by saying that maybe she should ask him what he wants every now and again. That today on the biggest day of his career, maybe she could be there for HIM, if you know what I mean. If a blowjob doesn’t show some support for your husband, than I don’t know what does. Phone rings again, and Ari picks it up to hear Eric’s whiny voice complaining that the Blackout has struck again! Ari, shrugs this off as a big who cares, until the electricity at his marriage counselor’s office goes kaput. Uh oh. No electricity = no movie showings and No movie showings = no big grosses.

Outside the motorcycle shop, the guys are standing by their car, when the nerd patrol from the movie theater makes their way over on their Vespa. Apparently, the two nerds followed the guys to the motorcycle shop to see if they wanted to go to a high school graduation party. Well, actually, they want to see if the guys will go with them to a graduation party and help them get in. Drama is concerned about his kidneys shutting down due to the extreme heat, so he’s in. Turtle on the other hand, is concerned about the young ladies that will be there, because he’s not allowed within 100 feet of an underaged girl after that little mishap at the TEEN people launch party a few years back. Vince is unable to think on his own, so he asks Eric who says that it’s going to be a few hours until they can get back home and/or get the numbers anyway so why not? And just like that “AQUAMAN TO THE RESCUE!”

The party is actually quite bitching. Turtle however is nervous. Did kids look this young when they were in high school? He’s also worried about whether or not he has to register as a sex offender in the Valley. I don’t know where this whole Turtle is a deviant thing has come from, but I’m gonna ride it out. The nerds lead the boys into the back yard where they run into Kressler, the big lug of a guy who is throwing the party. He of course instantly wants to throw these kids crashing his party out of his house. Apparently, 4 years of making their lives hell isn’t enough, he wants just one more moment. God, I miss high school. But don’t worry Drama has their back, and before Kressler lays Drama out like the old man he is, Vince intercedes. Naturally, Kressler wets himself and will forever be know as Kressler Von Vagina, for basically squealing like a girl and bending over for Vince when realizing that Aquaman is at his house.

MEET KRESSLER VON VAGINA

Ari gets on the phone with Eric and things are very bad. The blackouts are rolling all across the coastline of California from San Francisco to San Diego. Forget squishing Tobey Maguire’s face, they are now predicting $85 million for the opening, and everyone is freaking out. Umm, just to put things in perspective, if this movie did open to $85 million it would still have the 13th biggest opening in movie history. Let’s calm down a little. Things are still not definite though and Eric should keep his mouth shut for a few more hours. Once Ari knows the confirmed numbers he will head into the Valley, and they can give Vince the news together.

Meanwhile at the party, Vince is trying to help his new friends score the two hottest girls in school. He tells the ladies that Nerd #1 and Nerd #2 are his cousins and like brothers to him, so they need to take extra special care of them. It’s so funny that Vince basically had nothing to talk to these guys about the entire time they were grilling him about the movie he just spent 4 months shooting, but when it comes to getting them laid, he can relate to them on multiple levels.

Eric comes over, and since he’s the worst manager ever, tells Vince about the hit the numbers are going to take. Vince is so mad that he let himself get caught up in the numbers game, and remembers what it was like to be young and carefree. Wait a second. Isnt that what they are right now? Silly Vinnie. Whatever, they’re not going to worry about it, and just get wasted at the party. CLASS OF 2006!!!!

Ari is at home panicing about the new projections and in a rare tender moment Mrs. Ari tells him that it’s not his fault, it’s not Vinnie’s fault and it’s not the movie’s fault. It’s that damn Mother Nature. Slut. The “town” will understand. Ari tells her that he has to go to the Valley to tell Vince the numbers once he gets the call. Ari then notices that his children have been conveniently shipped off to grandma’s and that Mrs. Ari is wearing a whipped cream bikini. Ari finally gives in to Mrs. Ari and then, RING, gets the phone call and heads to the Valley.

At the party, Turtle is trying to ignore a very attractive young lady who is talking to him. He says he doesn’t talk to underaged girls, well not since the incident he doesn’t of course. The girl tells him that she’s not in high school, she’s the chaperone of the party. Turtle then cranes his neck with an “OH REALLLLLY” and the girl gives him an EW. Apparently, Turtle creeps out women of all ages!

Drama is standing in the middle of a circle ready to wrestle the much bigger Kressler Von Vagina. Drama says brute strength is nothing compared to experience, which the 80 year old Drama has plenty of. It’s hysterical when Von Vagina picks up Drama and tosses him.

Next thing you know Vince is up on the roof screaming to the crowd, having his Almost Famous moment. Vinnie Chase, I know Russell Hammond, and you sir, are NO Russell Hammond.

Regardless, Vince is having a grand old time, when Ari enters the crowd. Ari tells him that they opened to… Wait for it… wait for it…$116 million. BIGGEST. OPENING. EVER. It’s only Friday, but if these predictions hold on, then Vincent Chase is the biggest movie star on the planet, for the weekend at least.

The guys celebrate the only way high-class celebrity types can, by shot gunning cans of beer. Kressler Von Vagina makes his way over and asks whose dad Ari is. The boys say they don’t know, and tell Von Vag to throw Ari in the pool, which he does, much to my delight. Why is watching people get thrown into pools so fun?

Nerd #1 and Nerd #2 come over and report back to the guys about their nerdly conquest. The two most untouchable girls in school want to hang out in Nerd #2′s basement! Oh you poor little boys. Now that high school is over, they are no longer the two most untouchable girls in high school – they are the soon to be the two most easily touched girls in the freshman class of SKANK University. The only problem is that the Nerd Patrol can’t take these girls back to their place on their Vespa, so they need a ride. Vince, feeling GOOD, will do them one better. He gives them the keys to the Maseroti, telling them to return it to the dealership in August. And why not? For tonight Vince is a Golden God.

They leave the party and Drama utters this final perfect line: “The Valley ain’t so bad.”

So please tell me and my naïve East Coast mind: Is the Valley that bad? Isn’t the Valley the source of the McPheever? How bad could it be?