Aquamom

Summer’s brightest bright spot is back with Entourage, as the boys rev up for premiere of Vince’s biggest premiere to date: James Cameron’s Aquaman. Ugh, if only this wasn’t a satire and it was the real premiere of Aquaman. Seriously, poor Orin of the Sea gets no breaks. His Smallville spin-off couldn’t even make it on to the CW. Sigh. Tonight’s episode was all about the premiere, and how important it would be. Important to Vince, because he wants his mom to be there. Important to Ari, because he and his fledling upstart Agency needs the opening numbers to be big. And important to Turtle and Drama, because tonight will be like shooting fish in the skank barrel. God, I miss this show. More after the jump.The day starts off like so many others for these boys (and sadly, not for me), with a good dose of booty ogling. There are only a certain number of Aquaman premiere tickets available and Turtle and Drama are in charge of the ho-patrol. Turtle gives his last ticket up to a busty blonde who walks by, but Johnny Drama’s standards are a little higher than that. Right. Drama explains in further detail that the girl was top tall: Torso’s too long, legs are too short. She was inverted. He might be picky but every girl he’s given a ticket to has been at least an 8. Eric asks what Drama rates, and in the one honest statement ever spewed by Johnny Drama, he says: I don’t need to rate, I’m the one holding the tickets. So true. Drama ain’t gonna be recruited for Balls Models anytime soon, and he knows it. He also knows that he can get laid a lot easier than 90% of the population just by being Vincent Chase’s brother. I have a feeling Kevin Dillon, brother of Matt, didn’t have to dig too hard to get to the core of this scene. Poor guy. Vince however has noticed that there aren’t too many premiere tickets left and wonders how many they gave out. Turtle and Drama concur that they gave out just enough, so that they will have a good selection of hanger-on loving skanks to choose from. And if there are too many? FEEDINGFRENZY! These guys may not be too bright, but they do more thinking with their cocks in one day than most people do with their brains in a whole month. On a total sidenote: Is Eric’s transformation from B&T dirtbag to LA Yuppy Douchebag complete yet:

Last season, Ari Gold, had sort of crisis of faith. And since the only thing that Ari believes in is himself, it was a really bad crisis. He got fired from the high-profile Talent Agency he was working for and was forced to take his small client list and punching bag assistant Lloyd with him as he started the Ari Gold Super Duper Talent Agency from scratch. So here we are a few months later and his biggest client is about to either sink or swim (get it…) in the biggest movie of both of their careers. So, yeah, the guy is a little stressed out. Oceans worth of ink have been spilled praising Jeremy Piven’s performance as Ari on this show. And he is comic gold. I, personally, don’t happen to think that Ari and Jeremy Piven probably aren’t so different in reality, but who cares. The guy is the greatest prick on television.

I MIGHT BE A TOTAL ASSHOLE, BUT I CAN GET YOUR NAME ABOVE TITLE, $20 MIL AND 15% OF THE BACK END

Ari starts to notice that there is some dust around the office, and has a Martha Stewart-level freak out. He calls Lloyd into his office and poor sweet gay Lloyd tries to calm him down. Ari can’t calm down, he’s in West Hollywood (is that like the quivalent of Staten Island in NY? Yikes?) with only 9 people and 1400 square feet. Ari wants this place so clean that Lloyd could get trained on his desk. And by “trained” he doesn’t mean on the new version of Microsoft Word.

Downstairs Karma is adding insult to Ari’s injury as the boys are trying to use the broken elevator to get to their meeting. In one of those genuine moments that Entourage so seamlessly weaves into its scenes, the guys hae a race up the stairs. And the winner is…

LOOKS LIKE ERIC BY A HAIR

They find their way over to Lloyd who makes some lame excuse about the elevator and then innocently offers them a quarter to feed the meter. Drama complains about the shit hole this place is, and Turtle astutely reminds him that he’s been represented by bigger shit holes than this. Like the time he was represented by Johnson’s World of Talent Agents. With every job he booked came a free pancake breakfast.

Ari comes out of his office with his game face on:

Drama quickly changes his tune and tells Ari what a great place he’s got, and throws in the fact that he is still looking for some representation. “What do you say?” Drama pleads, to which Ari replies “I say that whoever represents you should care about you.” And then he walks Vince into the other room. It takes me a minute, but then I laugh and laugh and laugh. Ouch, Ari, ouch. It didn’t take Lloyd long to realize the dig, and he just mutters “awful” under his breath. Poor Lloyd, essentially he is the only good person on this entire show, and he has to constantly deal with Ari’s crap. Maybe that’s why Ari keeps him around. His chances at getting into heaven are better with a guy like Lloyd by his side. Or it could be the happy ending massages. I’m not sure.

Ari is excited and nervous about the upcoming week. He shows his excitement to hide his nerves and starts rambling about how this is going to be a big week. The kind of week you’ll never forget. Like the first time you let in to your Gay Asian assistant and he gives you a blowjob…. Umm… wait, no, like the first time you get your first blowjob ever, I mean. Things get pretty awkward in the room, and Vince and Eric start to get antsy. They get it, it’s a big week, but why are they there. The big question is who is Vince taking to the premiere. He was planning on rollin’ with his homies, but both Eric and Ari shoot that idea down. Besides Eric will be busy with his own date, the much-too-hot-for-him Sloane. This is a dicey matter, however, and even though Vince has been banging more chicks than Kid Rock and Scott Stapp on a tourbus, he doesn’t think that any of them are premiere worthy. Vinnie and Eric see through all this hubub and call Ari out on being nervous about the premiere. If this movie tanks, well, things for both Vince and Ari, are not going to be good. We also find out that Vince doesn’t have another job lined up, because Ari, ammended his former rule and advised him to wait until after “James Cameron and the biggest movie ever” opens to book his next role. But who should Vince bring? There’s only one woman in his life who is premiere worthy, and that is dear old mom.

Ari loves the idea, but as the boys leave the office, they are all a little skeptical about his chances of getting his mom out to LA. Apparently, she’s never been out there before and doesn’t really like to travel. Vince isn’t trying to hear them, because he has a plan. The plan is called “you’ll see.”

Next stop on the Aquaman push is LA radio station POWER 106 for an interview about the upcoming flick. Outside the soundbooth Turtle, Drama, publicist Shawna and Eric are hanging around, as Drama is explaining why he’s sure that their mom won’t make it out to the Aquaman premiere. I mean she wouldn’t even come out for Drama’s Viking Quest DVD premiere party. What could change her mind? Oh Drama! While in the sound booth Drama and Turtle make eyes at a couple of “slutty video hos”.

Vince next asks Big Boi, the DJ to call the most beautiful woman in the world to ask her to be Vince’s date to the premiere. Big Boi is sporting wood at the thought of getting Halle Berry on the phone, but Vince tells him no. Halle Berry has nothing on this woman they are calling:

So they call Aquamom, and despite her protests, she agrees to leave New York for the first time in thirty years to join her son on his big day.

Before they leave the slutty video hos ask Turtle and Drama if there are anymore tickets to the premiere. Coerced by the fact that the two hos are basically eye humping the shit out of the two of them, they lie and say yes. Eric, as usual, is exasperated with these two and passes it on to Vince, who promptely tells them they are shit out of luck. Once Turtle explains that the slutty video hos promised to f*ck them if Turtle and Drama take them as their dates, Vince realizes what true love is really all about, and tells Eric to call Ari about extra tickets.

Ari is “in they gym” when he speaks to Eric on the phone about the tickets, and yells at Lloyd for interrupting him while he’s working out, even though Ari’s business manager is on the other line. Ari tells Lloyd to give two of James Woods’ tickets to Vince, and Lloyd agrees, but tells Ari how urgent it is to speak to his business manager. Apparently, Ari bounced a check to his kids school.

We get our first glimpse of the season into the Gold residence, and as usual it doesn’t disappoint. I need Mrs. Ari to get more screen time this year, because the acidicly loving scenes between Ari and his wife are genius. FYI – Mrs. Ari is played by the same actress who played Mrs. Frank the Tank in Old School.

Ari needs $100,000 from his wife to keep the business afloat. WHOA! Did we know that Mrs. Ari was loaded like that? She’s already dipped into her personal savings 5 times to save Ari’s ass and she’s sick of it. She tells Ari to sell his car and stop eating at the Palms. Ari notes that this “savings” isn’t so much a savings account from years of hard work, but more like a trust fund from daddy. She argues that she needs that money in case anything happens to Ari, like if he dies. “You’d like that wouldn’t you,” Ari says. “Not until I saw that the life insurance check didn’t bounce I wouldn’t,” his sweetheart replies. I love that tough-talking bullshit spewing Ari is no match for his 115 pound wife.

Pregnant Publicist Shawna takes Vince and Eric, shopping for an outfit for Aquamom, and comments on how cute he’s being. Vince asks if that makes him a pussy, and Shawna says no, it makes him a man. The fact that he’s concerned about skintone clashing and what other celebrity mothers will be wearing makes him a pussy. Vince asks Eric for his opinion on a dress, and Eric says he doesn’t know women’s dress sizes and he doesn’t look at Vince’s mom’s body. Unfortunately for Eric, Vince can’t say the same thing. Insert sheepish grin.

Next is the much awaited (by me, at least) James Woods cameo. I’m not the biggest fan of Mr. Jimmy Woods, although I think he is a great actor. But in the wake of the Mel Gibson/Tom Cruise psycho celebrity breakdowns, I know it’s going to be fun watching an actor with a questionable (read: crazy) past to play himself on screen. Jimmy and his daughter are walking up the stairs to Ari’s office bitching all the way. Wait, what’s that? That’s not his daughter? No way.

TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY

They make it to Lloyd where they are meant to pick up their tickets to the premiere (apparently, James Woods is in the Aquaman movie). Woods complains that he only got some of his premiere tickets and Lloyd immediately calls Drama and Turtle, who are knee deep in an intense game of Grand Theft Auto 27: I Have No Life. When Lloyd tells them that they need to return the tickets they just laugh it off, and tell Lloyd that if James Woods wants the tickets he can come and get them himself. Why would you antagonize James Woods? I don’t know. That’s like throwing a firecracker at a grizzly bear. I’m scared. Sure enough Woods ends up over at Vince’s house and goes absolutely apeshit about the tickets. It’s a hysterical slowburn, as Drama and Turtle deny him his tickets. Drama decides to shut Woods up by slipping the empy envelope of tickets through the mailslot, tricking James Woods into submission.

Vince is now at the Jewelry stor where HeyHey from The O.C. is helping him pick out some bling for his mother. As he gives up deciding and buys the whole case (and bags HeyHey’s number), Eric gets a call from his “other mother”. She’s at the airport in the limo, but just can’t get on the plane. She doesn’t really say why, but I’m assuming that she’s suffering from some advanced case of Agoraphobia that has yet to be diagnosed. Eric gets to tell Vince the bad news.

At the house the guys are debating over who Vince should bring, and Turtle suggests Jessica Biel. An excellent choice, but Drama doesn’t think it’s a good idea to bring a celebrity to a premiere, a lesson he learned from Tom Sizemore and Heidi Fleiss. I think that Drama’s remaniscenses of his hollywood days of yore are quickly becoming the “Picture It, Sicily 1927″ of a new generation. When you really think about it, this show parallels Golden Girls in many other ways as well. Vince says now that his mom is not coming, he’ll go by himself. Vince leaves to get ready for a date with HeyHey, and Drama says that their mother doesn’t really mind missing things. As long as no one else she knows gets to see them. This gets the wheels in Eric’s head turning:

The next day the guys go over to the airport to pick up Vince’s mom and some mystery guests. That’s right Mrs. Turtle and Mrs. E. are also in the HIZZZZAY!!! They’re all exited to see their mothers, even though this will ruin the “best pussy night of the year.” Ehh, I’m pretty sure that each of these guys can afford to take a night off. to spend with their mothers.

To ratchet up the pre-premiere tension we head over to the Gold’s as Ari is arriving home, just as his wife is heading out. He wants her to go pick up his suit. She blows a gasket and tells him that she is going to the tailor’s to pick up his suit. His new suit. His new $5,000 suit. That she paid for. As they are cursing up a storm, their neighbor, Phil, walks by, and instead of taking the high road, Ari yells at him saying that he’s heard a lot worse come out of his wife’s mouth. He then calls Phil’s mother a whore and slaughters his cat just to get the point across. God, I love the Golds!

Finally, we make it to the premiere, complete with trident holding mermaids. The boys take the red carpet with their mothers and we hear James Cameron talk about divising a way to make Vince breath under water, and the two slutty video hos scream from the sidelines about their (lack of) tickets. We also see James Woods passively aggressively beat up Drama in front of the press, under the guise of “joking around.” More James Woods this season too please!

Finally, Ari and Mrs. Ari make nice, as she notices how great Vince is doing out there. It’s a brief moment of tenderness, and its nice for a second to see that these two actually like each other. We too, get to see what makes Vince so special as he schmoozes with the press and works the entire crowd from beginning to end. Because really, in this age of Orlando Blooms, what more do you need to be other than charming good looks, to be a star?

So here’s to the start of what looks to be like another great season. I don’t know how long the mothers hang around for, but it’ll be funny to see them in their boys’ new environment. Until next week!