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Rufio Sneakers! Public Masturbation! Downtrodden Old People! Pretty rad, right? Boy, do those Entourage guys know how to keep my interest. Keeping up with the split-them-up theme from last week, the guys separate again for most of this episode: Turtle and Vince (nice to see them spending some QT together) are on the hunt for the Holy Grail of sneakers, Eric is doing the studio pitch thing with Ari and Father Time, I mean, Bob, and Drama is finally shooting his big monologue for the Ed Burns pilot. The results? Another solid episode. And what more could we expect from: Rufio Sneakers! Public Masturbation! Downtrodden Old People! Seriously, why am I not running the marketing department over at HBO?
Drama is freaking out about his 2 page monologue. Rightfully so, I wouldn’t want to be the one who messes up those pearls of wisdom spewing from Ed Burns mediocre mind. Drama is doing the multiple outfit change thing, while Turtle is busting his balls, which Drama doesn’t much appreciate. Turtle tells him not to worry – he probably won’t have a panic attack. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN MENTION THAT!?!?! Apparently, Drama used to be prone to panic attacks. Turtle apologizes and gives him some pretty solid adviceon how to relax: Jerk off. Why do I have a feeling that this is probably Turtle’s remedy for most problems? Jerk off or eat a sandwich, I’m guessing. When he’s really stressed, probably both at the same time.
The guys start going their separate ways: Drama is skipping the jerk off to head for the set to meet with THE Jerk Off, while Eric is meeting Ari and old-time producer Bob, are going over to Paramount to pitch them the Ramones movie starring Vince as Joey Ramone (pardon me while I stop Joey Ramone from spinning in his grave).
Speaking of Vince, he is using his immense amounts of downtime to spend some face time with Turtle, who is going to use his Saigon hush money to buy himself some kicks. Sneakers you say? Lame! Yes, sneakers. But these aren’t regular sneakers, they are magic sneakers designed by Fukijamas, a graffiti artist who designs one pair of Nikes every year. They only make about 200 pairs a year, and since Turtle is not only a Sneaker aficionado, but an art lover as well, he must have them. Oh wait, no, he’s not any of those things. He’s a jerk off mooch. My bad.
Ari and Eric get to the Paramount lot with no Bob in sight. Eric doesn’t need his Hobbit sense of smell to notice something is fishy here. Ari didn’t call Bob for the meeting. Again, Eric doesn’t understand how things work in the business. Bob is a legend, he’s protected, Ari says. Bringing him to the meeting would only screw things up. This is usually where I chide Eric for being so naïve, but I have to agree with his decision to bring Bob into the loop on this one. It’s one thing to be an incompetent, transplanted B&T rat, but it’s quite another to be a cockbag. Eric calls Bob and redirects him to the Paramount meeting. Bob may be old, but he knows when he’s getting scallywagged.
Ari calms him down, saying it was all just a misunderstanding. Ari is visibly displeased with Bob’s presence, however. On the other hand, Bob can feel no pain. He’s super psyched to be having a sit down with his old friend Dawn Steele, the head of Paramount Studios. What’s that? Oh. Yeah. Dawn Steele’s been dead for a year. Bob checks his notes, and also crosses out a meeting with Walt Disney, John. F. Kennedy, and most oddly of all, Harriet Tubman.
Vince and Turtle get to the store where the line is wrapped down the street. Turtle explains to Vince the importance of these sneakers. Vince doesn’t see how they are going to be able to get them if they have to wait on this huge line. That is the first phase of Turtle’s one phase plan: Cut the line, because Vince is a movie star. Vince refuses, much to the pleasure of the crowd. Turtle can’t believe it, but they head to the back of the line.
Drama’s gotten to his shoot for the Ed Burns pilot, which by definition and casting is destined to suck. Drama is visibly shaken, and things are about to get worse. Not only for Drama but for a few million people who will tune into “Ed Burns Presents The Brothers McOneNote.” Drama’s monologue just got beefed up to a nice 3 minute speech; the whole scene is just Drama’s face and the lens. Every actor’s dream, yes, but also, every viewer’s nightmare.
As the Three Amigos are waiting around in the lobby Dusty (Bob) is very nervous about the meeting, while Lucky (Ari) wants to do all the talking. Ned (Eric) is still choreographing My Little Buttercup in his head, and plans on saying nothing. Bob’s brought some parlor tricks with him – deck of cards for magic tricks, hoop to light on fire for Circle of Death trick, you know the usual. After they agree that Ari will take the lead, Bob can’t help himself but to jump in when the studio boss welcomes them in. He asks for a Sanka and takes over.
It’s looking like Turtle is going to be shell-less as the store has run out of Fukijamas. One of the workers says that another store in Malibu still has them. The line quickly disburses, but Turtle is lagging behind. Woe-is-me. Oh snap out of it Eyeore. Vince asks Turtle why he didn’t just set an alarm and get down there early like the rest of these people? I’m assuming it was because he was really nervous last night and ate a 6 foot hero and jerked off 65 times to calm his nerves. But no, it’s because he’s a lazy shit. Vince is still pretty pumped, he literally has nothing else going on, but Turtle is already defeated. There’s no way that they can beat all these people to Santa Monica. Vince promises Turtle that if he stops the negativity, Vince will get him the sneakers. And if the sneakers don’t pan out, the best Happy Ending massage money can buy.
Drama is in his trailer (cheers, Drama!) repeating his pre-monologue mantra: “You are not a pussy.” I wouldn’t put too much money on that horse, Drama. Incidentally, this is the same mantra that Oprah uses before every show. Weird. Burns then drops another bombshell on Drama. His whole entire three minute monologue is going to be done on the move. At least Burns has moved on from ripping off Woody Allen to ripping off Aaron Sorkin. Next thing you know he’ll be cribbing notes from Carrot Top’s act.
The meeting at Paramount is over with less than stellar results. They rejected the pitch: “You lost them at Sanka.” Ari is angry – he never gets turned down in the room. That is unless the room is full of eligible women. Zing! Umnata – 1; Ari – 0. Ari then says something vulgar about whether or not Bob would be interested in his 22″ cock (Umnata – 1; Ari – 22). Bob takes offense to this, and I agree with him. Bob might be a useless old fossil, but he is a legendary useless old fossil. Not to mention the fact that this is Bob’s project in the first place. Ari should show him (anyone?) a little respect. Eric steps in with his huge, hairy Hobbit feet to mediate. While Bob is a legend, Ari does do this sort of thing on a daily basis, so maybe he should handle the next pitch. Bob agrees, but only because Eric is a “nice boy with kind eyes,” which despite my best efforts, I find kind of touching. Even if Bob says it while stroking Eric’s hair and cupping his testicles. I’m sorry I had to ruin the moment, if not, for every moment with genuine emotion or intellect, I lose points on my snark factor. Disney is the next stop. Bob is familiar with the place; he auditioned Cybill Shepherd there once: “Tons of talent; no underpants.” It takes me a second to remember that while Cybil Shepherd is currently a wrinkly old hag, she was once one of the HOTTEST pieces of ass on the planet. Get yours, Bob!
Can we just take a moment to praise the irreplaceable, Martin Landau? Okay. Moment’s over.
Vince and Turtle are on their way to procure some of the Fukijamas for Turtle. Vince is on hold with the store. They’re looking for a size 10, but they only have one size 11. Vince asks them to put the shoes on hold, but the guy at the store can’t do it, not even for Aquaman. However, if Vince were to show up at his sister’s birthday party, then Vince would be like family. And the sneaker guy would do anything for family. Vince agrees, but as his part of the bargain, Turtle’s got to tell him that he has juice. For some reason this makes me feel dirty.
Eric and Ari don’t go to Disney, they head over to Universal. Apparently, there was no meeting at Disney, Ari just wanted to shake Bob. Eric thinks that was a real dickhead move, so he keeps trying to call Bob and get him over to the Universal lot. It’s too late, though; Bob has already been told there is no drive-on for him at Disney. He misses Eric’s calls and his shriveled old man heart breaks in two.
Ed Burns is banging on Drama’s trailer door, who is too scared to come out. He notices a Maxim on the counter, and thinks about what Turtle said. You know about slinging the meat salami (please leave your favorite euphemism in the comments). Unfortunately for Drama, although he certainly knows his way around the Drama Club he doesn’t think to unhook his mic before he starts pounding away. Without Drama realizing it, Ed Burns and the crew, including one random old lady, have heard his entire, err, performance.
Since we’ve recently identified Seth Green as Eric’s arch nemesis, it seems that DJ AM is Turtle’s enemy. I like it. DJ AM is also a sneaker connoisseur, and also only slightly relevant because of his association with a perplexingly popular celebrity (on-again, off-again fiancee Nicole Richie in the case of DJ AM). It seems that the guy at the store gave Turtle’s shoes to DJ AM in exchange for getting his sister’ s birthday party to be held at AM’s club. Turtle totally hates his life! He loses his rapper, now his shoes. Turtle, bro, you’ve got a pretty sweet deal. And if you’re going to start griping about your life, the rapper and shoes are the least of you problems, methinks. Vince is concerned that Turtle is mad at him, but he’s not. He’s just sad. Luckily, there was a wambulance close by to come pick Turtle up.
Ari and Eric leave their meeting with Universal pleased as punch. They got the movie green lit AND Ari secured Bob a great deal. Now Ari’s plan is to call up Paramount and start a bidding war. They are so excited that they call up Bob to tell him the good news, but he doesn’t pick up.
Drama completes his monologue for Burns and the crew. I love watching Kevin Dillon act as Johnny Drama trying to act. Hysterical. All Burns needs now is a few reaction shots from Drama. It’s like an episode of Family Feud – SHOW ME ANGRY! SHOW ME SAD! SHOW ME EMBARRASSED! This last one gives Drama a little trouble. He needs some motivation. Ed Burns goes over to him and tells him that they all heard him petting his Trouser Snake, and BAM, Ed gets the embarrassed reaction shot he was looking for.
The boys reconvene back at the house where Drama is regaling them with tales of his masturbatory victory. Turtle is glad that rubbing one out led to winning over Ed Burns, but he’s still sulking. The boys suggest a little hot boxing to cheer Turtle up, but he doesn’t think that’s a good idea, because it will make him cry. We don’t see Turtle high nearly often enough, now that I think about it.
Turtle of course caves into the peer pressure and the boys are out to meet the hook up that Vince set up with the best weed in California. Oh my God. They are going to Nancy Botwin’s house!?!?
It seems, they aren’t going to Agrestic, but rather to meet up with a stylish Asian gang. Vince sends Turtle out with a brick of cash in an envelope. He is led inside by one of the Lost Boys and hands the money over to none other than RUFIO! Oh you remember Rufio don’t you!?!?!
But he isn’t Rufio at all, he’s actually allusive designer Fukyomama!!! It seems that Vince’s brick of money paid, not for drugs, but for Turtle’s very own one-of-a-kind pair of Fukyomoma kicks of glory. Hurray! How did he design a sneaker and get it manufactured in a third world country and shipped back to the United States to give to Turtle within a few hours, I have no idea, but that’s not the point. I don’t know what the point is, so I’m just going to repeat this: RUFIO! RUFIO! RUUUUFFFFFIIIOOOOO!
In the car waiting for Turtle, Drama is trying to figure out how much Vince spent on the sneakers, guessing in the $5,000 range. Eric then receives a call from Lloyd putting him on a three-way call (but in his mind a very different kind of three-way) with Ari and Bob. Apparently, nobody fucks Bob. Well of course not bro. You’re wicked old. After Bob realizes he was submarined (thanks for the terminology Rescue Me), by Ari and Eric at Disney, he headed on over to Warner Bros. to meet with his good friend Alan Grey, who sure does hate Vince and Ari. Grey Vadar snatched up the script, so now Vince is once again out of work. Turtle gets back to the car, all smiles, and notices everyone is bummed and don’t really care about his new Fookies. Vince says”I just spent $20,000 on sneakers and I don’t have a job.”
What’d you think? Is Vince going to bounce back?