All good things must come to an end, right? Now, don’t get your Aquaman underoos in a twist, Entourage isn’t ending; if anything this show is hitting its stride in a big way. However, it seems like the ordered chaos that these boys have gotten used to is coming under attack, with their old friend Dom coming to visit from out East with a script in hand and not a bar of soap in sight. So will he be this fab four’s meathead Yoko Ono? Only time will tell. In the meantime, let’s see what kind of havoc he caused for Vince and his Aqualackies. So what’s a newly minted superhero to do once he becomes the biggest star this side of whatever comes out of Angelina Jolie’s vagina next? No, not go to Seaworld!?!?! But to a fancy schmancy dinner, hosted by none other than Ari Gold, Super Duper Talent agent. Ari takes Vince and his boys out to a swankfest dinner to celebrate Vince becoming the number one movie star in the world.
It seems as though my amusement park predictions were not so far off, because the studio is positively plotzing over the new Aquaman ride at the nearby Six Flags. Vince puts up some mild objections about going to his theme park ride opening, but Ari says he has to, and also to eat all his vegetables or he’s going to bed without a prostitute. Ari, will also be at the ride unveiling, but he doesn’t do rides. Well, besides the loop de loop on Mrs. Ari every second Wednesday of the month. Vince uses his new found superstar power ring to get Ari to agree to ride his log floon, because if he doesn’t Vince will be a no-show at the park. Ari agrees, and has to wipe a little tear from his eye, since he’s swelling with pride over the leaps and bounds that Vince has made in becoming a true Hollywood douche bag.
Ari needs to excuse himself from the evening festivities, because her daughter has a boy over the house. They’re only 13 but according to Drama, 13 is like being 30 in this town. To make matters worse the kid who is over is an actor. To make things even worse, he’s the star of Young 21 Jump Street, a detail that I think is pure genius.
When the boys get to the mansion, Turtle and Drama are so busy fighting over a doggy bagged Porterhouse steak they almost don’t notice that he front door is wide open. There are noises coming from inside the house and Arnold the dog does not sound too happy. The guys start to enter the house, but Turtle, ever the smart one, suggests that maybe Vince should wait in the car. If something happens to him they are all screwed. Truer words have never been spoken, my friend.
They are tentatively walking towards the living room where they hear the noises. They grab their weapons of choice, a baseball bat, a golf club, a statue, a large comedic set piece cliché, you know the usual. Then a booming voice comes in from the living room telling them he can hear them, and my first instinct is that I didn’t know that Vin Diesel was this desperate for work. Actually, yeah I did. But it’s not Vin Diesel, it’s his fat younger brother, or as the guys start calling him, DOM! The guys are all stoked to see Dom, except Eric, who Dom calls Ebola. Dom just spent 3 days on a bus out to California, just days after getting released from prison. So now that he’s seen his ol’ buddies, what he needs now is to be introduced to some of the high-end call girls that Vince keeps on speed dial. To the skankmobile they go!
OOOH SORRY MY MISTAKE
Ari is at home just in time to humiliate his daughter in front of this Richard Grieco in training. Mrs. Ari tells her husband to calm down, that this Max seems like a nice kid. Ari informs her that nice boys don’t have 9 cars. Are you insulting Jay Leno, Ari? Because he has SEVERAL cars. And I don’t think you want to take on The Chin head-to-head. Max is showing Ari’s daughter, Sara, scenes from his new movie, when Ari interrupts them, because he hears nothing but silence. You know what happens when thirteen year old kids stop talking: blowjobs. Alas, Ari did not find her daughter doing a bobble head impression on young Max, but rather the two of them sitting innocently together. Ari still decides to throw little Max out on his ass, so Max tells Sara he’ll see her tomorrow. Ari is quick to chime in that he won’t because they’ll be at the opening of the new ride. What a coincidence so will Max; He’s in talks with the studio to take over the Cody Banks franchise. Somwhere, Frankie Muniz just died a little.
At first I think that the guys have just taken Dom to the classiest Whorehouse in the Hollywood Hills, but I then realize that it’s just a club. Dom is regaling them with stories of the gay inmates who used to jerk off to Vince’s pictures, and I think that this is trule what friendship is all about.
Eric starts to ask Dom all these questions like “aren’t you on parole?” and “how long are you staying?” and “what happened to that guy you shanked in prison?” and the guys start to jump down his throat. Dom just got here! Let him relax and contract an STD before you start asking him about his plans. Speaking of STDs, Drama and Turtle are going to take Dom on a lap of the whorehouse, and see what they can pick up. Vince sees this alone time as a good opportunity to ask Eric why he’s being such a dick. Eric tells him that he doesn’t trust Dom and he finds it a little convenient that Dom shows up the day after Vince’s movie opens like a tidal wave (get it? Aquaman? Tidal Wave? Try the veal!). Vince let’s us in on his dirty little secret: Dom was arrested because he was holding Vince’s two joints. Wait, can you get arrested for holding two joints? God, I hope I don’t get stopped by a cop on my way home, because I have two Excedrin PMs in there and a packet of Altoids. But it wasn’t just the joints; it was the fact that Dom then assaulted the officer who found the two joints. And then pissed on his face. And then killed his dog. Vince says that he owes him, and that if Dom gets out of hand it will be his problem not Eric’s. He’s number one AND the king of the world, what could go wrong? DOM da dom dom DOMMMM!
Ari is checking out porn on his laptop, while simultaneously monitoring his daughter’s web activity. MAC laptop for daughter: $2,200. Trust: Priceless. When Ari can’t take it anymore he sneaks into his daughter’s room, who is pretending she’s sleeping and he steals her laptop. Oy to the vey.
The guys have headed back home, and Eric is heading back out, presumably to Sloane’s place. Anyone else concerned that we haven’t seen Sloane too much this season (save for a group shot at Vince’s premiere)? Anyway, before he leaves Dom says he wants to give E a gift. A little something that he learned about in prison called a tossed salad. Eric loves to eat his greens so he is pretty disappointed when Dom the gift is actually a script. It’s Dom’s life story, from the 5 years of first grade to the art of learning how to please a man in prison. It’s all in there. And it’s the only copy. Dom da dom dom DOMMMM!
I SMELL SPIN OFF
The next morning the recently unleashed Dom is having some awesome dirty sex that would make Jenna Jameson blush. Eric is on his way downstairs and shuts the door on the porn audition. Downstairs Turtle and Drama are grinning like schoolboys who stole their father’s playboy. The noise stops and I fear that the poor girl has finally been cocked to the death. The Michelin Tire Guy next makes a cameo – oh wait, no, that’s just Dom’s naked ass walking into the kitchen.
Dom asks Eric if he’s read the script yet, but Eric says no, because he only got it a few hours ago, and some asshole was having violent, loud sex with a hooker all night, and kept him up. Dom then asks why Eric is so uptight. Eric isn’t uptight Dom. Your man meat is swinging in his face and brother hasn’t even had a sip of coffee yet. That’s not uptight, that’s you know, human. The happy hooker heads on downstairs and oohs and ahhs, except much quieter and less vulgar, about being in Aquaman’s house. Dom, always the gentleman, tells her that she can feel free to kick herself out. Whoa. I’ve never treated a hooker like that. You at least show her to the door before you kick her out on her ass. How else do you expect to get the sixth ride free? Now that the ugly business of prostitute extermination is dealt with Dom is going to treat the boys to a nice home cooked breakfast. Drama, sensing his territory as man of the kitchen being threatened informs Dom that he does the cooking around here. Dom and Drama fight over his favorite pan, and Dom not so vaguely threatens Drama’s life if he doesn’t let him cook breakfast. That’s right, Dom, kill ‘em with kindness. Vince comes in and tells Drama to take the day off and Dom to put on some underwear. Everyone wins! Dom da dom dom DOMMMMM!
At the Gold house o’ fun, Ari is telling Mrs. Ari that he’s not going to let Sara go to the ride opening, because little Grieco is going to be there. Mrs. Ari says that Ari is insane, because the kids are only thirteen. Sara comes into the kitchen and Ari tells her he loves her, but she can’t go to the water park and she can’t see Max anymore. But remember Sara, daddy loves you. She wants to know why, and Ari simply says because Max is an actor. Sara then points out that Mrs. Ari used to be an actor, and Ari uses some Homer Simpson logic on her, saying that now mommy isn’t an actor and that is why she is good. Sara likes Max and hates her parents! I love that although Mr. & Mrs. Ari barely function as human beings none the less a couple, but Mrs. Ari still backs her husband up in this fight, even though she doesn’t necessarily agree with him. There are so many layers to this relationship it’s great. Mrs. Ari then congratulates Ari on the $50,000 in child therapy he just acquired, but Ari says that as long as he keeps little Sara out of an E! True Hollywood Story, he doesn’t care.
“BUT DADDY I LOVE HIM!”
Bitchfest ’06 is leaving the house, while Drama is complaining that Dom used his roll on deodorant, and Turtle is laughing at him. But then Dom wants to drive. It’s been 5 years since Dom has been behind the wheel of a car. Because he was in jail. Because of Vince. Remember? Turtle doesn’t want to give up the keys, but Dom asks him how he can drive with only one arm. DEAD ARM!
Vince, of course settles this dispute once again, saying that Dom can drive. Drama then smirks to Turtle, saying that he’s not the only one who got laid off. They’re heading to the water park, and it makes me feel giddy inside that Turtle is right where he belongs: sitting bitch.
Dom makes a crazy turn into the gas station and the guys pile out. Turtle, Drama and Dom are buying snacks, because Turtle is going to be driving for 15, possibly 20 minutes and needs a Twinkie. As Drama and Turtle are complaining about Dom to one another, they turn a corner and spot Dom stealing some packaged goodies. Dom da dom dom DOMMMM!
Outside, Eric is pumping gas, and warning Vince that there is going to be a lot of press at the event, and he might want to tell Dom how to act. Eric asks Vince if he even remembers the last time they were at a water park with Dom. It was their senior trip and Dom almost drowned a kid who used to where his asthma pump on a string around his neck. Ugh. I can relate on so many levels.
At the water park Shawna, her assistant Kristy and Ari are waiting for the guys, and there is still no explaination of Shawna’s immaculate conception. Maybe it’s for a reality show based on the second coming of the anti-Christ? Dom starts hitting on Shawna and her pregnant baby, and we learn that Kristy’s a total bitch. In a good way.
Some poor old photographer starts to try to get the pictures starting, and Dom leaps across the 500 pound Shawna and attacks him. Vince tells him to calm down that it’s part of the gig and starts taking some shots with him and his crazy gorilla-like friend. Dom apologizes and Vince promises Eric that he’ll talk to him. The most important thing about this scene is that they are playing Banquet by Bloc party and that CD kicks ass.
In one of the greatest honors this side of a Nobel Peace Prize, Vince is awarded the key to the water park. Vince graciously accepts, and although he’s kind of a blank slate mentally and emotionally, Vince is a pretty good movie star. WAIT! WAIT! Maybe that’s the point? Hmm…
Meanwhile, Turtle and Drama need to talk to Eric, in private. Luckily, Shawna is too busy feeding her unborn satanic baby slaughtered bunny rabbits that she couldn’t care less about the family matters they need to discuss. At the same time, Ari has family matters of his own to handle when he spots Max hanging out with some other tweeny bopper hos.
First, Drama and Turtle explain to Eric that they took a vote. 5 just doesn’t work. But 4! 4 Is the magic number. Dom’s got to go. But Vince wants Dom to stay, and, well, let’s be honest with ourselves, what leg do you have to stand on here guys? Vince literally owns you. The boys are just going to have to suck it up for a little while.
Ari catches up with Max the little shit, and tells him he’s two timing his daughter. Max tells Ari that he and Sara are not exclusive. And that his daughter gives bad head, so he has to go elsewhere to fulfill his needs. Ok, he doesn’t say that, but I’m pretty sure he’s thinking it. Ari doesn’t want to have to squash Max, but if he needs to he will. Max laughs this off, asking Ari how he’s going to “squash” him. With Ari Gold’s 5 Man Talent Agency? You just wait a second Max. That is Ari Gold’s Super Duper 5 Man Talent Agency to you!
It’s finally time to inaugurate the Aquaman ride with Ari’s vomit and/or urine. The guys make the slow climb to the top and super fast descent. I. Love. Symbolism. Eric asks Vince how long parolees can stay around for, and Vince says forever as long as Dom gets a job. Luckily for Dom, Vince had an opening in his security department that he is perfect for! It doesn’t look like Dom is going ANYWHERE, for a little while! Dom da dom dom DOMMMM!
So what did you think of Dom? How much trouble do you think he’ll get into in LA, and what will it cost Vinnie and the boys? Also, how nasty does the Aquaman ride look? I need this movie to happen ASAP!