Entourage Presents: Follow That Turtle!

What better way to make us appreciate our Fab Four than to split them up for 30 minutes? It worked for the Backstreet Boys (Nick Carter, please, go away. Oh wait. You did.). And that’s exactly what those geniuses over at Entourage did this week. Turtle and Drama went on a mission to find an MIA Saigon, Eric got duped into a meeting with the world’s oldest man, and Vince licked his wounds about getting fired by doing quite a bit of licking with a tasty female for the day. And what’s the one thing that this episode taught us? The boys need each other.Turtle wakes up and starts the morning by smoking a J. No not a J-Unit – I’m talking a joint. Pot. Hashish. Grass. You know, GANJA! What a pussy. I wake up and smoke me some crack first thing! But that’s just me; that’s how I roll. I suppose Turtle does need to remain calm though:: He’s got his big signing with Saigon, his car thief cum Rap star client in a little while. This big event leads to Turtle putting on his finest Velour Jumpsuit and Yankees hat, because he wants to look presentable, and not, say, displaced B&T trash. Oh wait…

THEY SPELL CLASS: T-U-R-T-L-E

He heads downstairs all smiles, expecting his boys to be giving him a great deal of love and support and hugs and kisses on his big day. But the fellas are just going about their business as if it was just another day for Turtle. In their defense he hasn’t done anything in three years, so I could see the confusion. Turtle is about the start crying when they give him a big PSYCH! Oh man, Turtle’s been punk’d! They do care! They do love him! Drama’s even made Turtle’s favorite breakfast: A raspberry frosted Pop-Tart with the crust cut off. He may wear a velour jumpsuit everyday, but the man’s got high-class tastes. Eric got the truck detailed for Turtle’s big day and Drama is going to be chauffeuring Turtle around for a change. And since Turtle is a natural born moocher he starts to wonder what Vince has done for him. “I think I’ve done enough, Turtle.” So true, Vince. But since Vince is a grade-A sucke, he pulls out his wad… of cash! Minds out of the gutter people. But Turtle takes the high road; he won’t be needing that anymore. Well except for parking…

Turtle makes it to the record label, but Saigon is a no show. Uh oh. This doesn’t sound good. Is Turtle getting stood up on his big date? Turtle gets called into the office by a lovely African American assistant and passes some big Black rappers on his way to the label president’s office. I know it’s a little obvious, but I think it’s hysterical that not only is the record labels boss a small, white Jewish guy, but it’s also David Paymer, the smallest, whitest most Jewish guy, ever. After a few minutes of bad stalling (can’t hide under that Velour forever, Turtle), Turtle comes clean that Saigon is MIA. Paymer gives Turtle until 5 pm to produce his client, or the deal is off.

WELL, THERE’S THAT WITH THAT

Eric has gone over to Ari’s Fancy Schmancy new office, because the Gold Standard has been upgraded, thanks to Ari’s new partner Babs Miller, the Mistress of Dark Forces. Eric is a peeved off little Hobbit though. He thinks that Ari has been ignoring them because he’s too preoccupied with all the wonderful new toys MIller Gold has to offer him. For example, this agency has plumbing, so that’s an upgrade from the Ari Gold Super Duper Talent Agency. Ari isn’t trying to hear Eric’s complaints because he sent over a ton of scripts to Vince, all of which didn’t meet Vince’s high caliber tastes. If Vince doesn’t want to work, there’s nothing Ari can do, except sit on his ass, and shop for a life size glass statue of himself for the lobby. Eric calls Ari a deuchebag (glad to see the classics never die), and the meeting seems to come to a close.

However, an old time all-star producer Bob Ryan has shown up looking for a face to face with Ari. Problem is Ari has been trying to dodge Bobo, because he’s a well known chatty Cathy, whose a few Herpes short of a full Paris Hilton. Fortunately for Ari, Eric is fresh off the Petunia Truck. Ari sets Eric up for a day o’ fun with Mr. Senility. The plan is for Bob and Eric to go to the Ivy for lunch, but Crazy McOldpants detours them to his palatial estate for cigars, steaks and a maid whose lawn used to be plowed by none other than Marlon Brando. Is that something you might be interested in?

You wanna know how I know that Vincent Chase is a real person in addition to a movie star: He takes a cab to the book store. Now I get that these boys are from Queens, but Queens isn’t exactly New York City – why doesn’t Vince have a car? Oh, that’s right, because people have probably always catered to him, his entire life! Whoa. Vince might be taking taxis, but I’m on board the bitter bus it seems. What’s more unbelievable then the Hollywood star taking a cab to the bookstore? That Vince Chase went to the bookstore. Luckily for him, it’s one of the bookstores where the girls are hot and kind of slutty. Just like the Borders on Long Island. One of said chicks warns Vince about checking out the tabloid that has his picture on it and recounts the Las Vegas melee that broke out last week. It doesn’t take him long to pick up the girl and take for a ride that he has a license to drive, if you know what I mean (I mean sexual intercourse, in case I was too subtle). Vince of course wines and dines her first, taking her for coffee, for lunch and then shopping. I can’t help but notice how boring and flat the Vince stuff is without his cohorts. Or maybe I’m just still bitter.

Drama is way ticked off that he’s driving to Saigon’s house for the second time without his numb chucks, which, for some reason is the funniest visual image ever. Can’t you just picture Drama holding a pair of numb chucks saying: “I learned this when I was the stand-in for William Zabka in The Karate Kid”

Regardless, my favorite Amen refugee makes a comeback when Anna Maria Ashford opens the door to Saigon’s house – he isn’t home and she doesn’t know where he is or when he will be. Ironically, she uses her church group as an excuse – is Deacon Sherman Frye in there!?!?! Drama smells something foul afoot and goes for a closer look, which in Drama speak is dangerously close to breaking and entering. When the Saigon family dog attacks and Saigon’s mother comes back to the door, Drama quickly recovers by asking to use her phone. But he didn’t use the phone at all! He just checked the call log and figured out that Saigon was staying at the Standard Hotel. Oh my God. There is someone on this earth stupider than Johnny Drama. I just never thought it would be the hooker from St. Elmo’s Fire.

At Bob’s mansion, steak, sherry and cigars are being consumed, with Bob continuing to push off the pesky detail about this movie he has to pitch to Eric. On the plus side we see the Marlon bedding maid Marsha (Ugh. I love alliteration), who at 349384 years old is still one hot number.

Turtle and Drama head over to the Standard, but the bitchy concierge is not giving up Saigon’s location. Drama knows that Saigon is in the Standard, he can feel it. “What are you, auditioning for Saigon, you jerk off?”

We get a piece of old Hollywood history when Bob tells Eric that it wasn’t Jack Nicholson or Warren Beatty who was getting all the tail back in the day, but rather it was Dustin Hoffman who was knee-deep in pootang. Which isn’t much of an accomplishment considering that he’s only like 4’11″. Bob is still giving Eric the runaround over the movie pitch, offering up some home movies (“How would you like to see Candy Bergen running around in her underwear. Fantastic ass.” Mmmm. Murphy Brown… underwear… strict political views… so hot…). Poor Bob; he just needs a friend. Eric finally realizes that Bob doesn’t have a project for Vince and since Eric’s a cockbag, he wants to leave the miserable old bastard as fast as he can. But Bob’s a legend, the man who gave Dennis Hopper a handful of Mushrooms and created Speed, I mean, Easy Rider. Bob just doesn’t want to be remembered for his last movie, Cutthroat Island. Why not? Pirates are totally hot right now, and Geena Davis was a much manlier pirate than Johnny Depp.

Eric gets a momentary bathroom break, in which he calls Ari for some help. It’s kind of funny that Eric is so panicked about not knowing where he is. Ari is busy deflecting barbs from Babs about not making any money for their new company. You see, Ari is much more pre-occupied Queer Eye-ing his new office – is Queer Eye-ing still a valid pop culture reference? Should I have used While You Were Out-ing? Either way, Eric is angry and vows sweet Hobbit-like revenge on Sauron. I mean, Ari.

Turtle’s new plan for finding Saigon is to knock on all the doors in the hotel until a big, scary black rapper answers the door. Not the best plan in the world, but a plan none the less.

After sex in the dressing room of an upscale clothing store, Vince and his skank of the day are found running around her apartment in some cutesy sexual version of the “I’m gonna get you…” game. The major downside of this scene is that Vince takes his shirt off and it’s disturbing how skinny he is. In the words of my 95 pound BFFL Carla, “I’d feel so fat having sex with someone skinnier than me.” That’s why Umnata has kept the pounds on, as a public service to the ladies. What can I say? I’m a giver.

As Bob looks all over the Manse for his car keys and/or driver, Eric notices a second picture of Joey Ramone in the house. The Ramones were actually from the same street in Queens as Vinnie Chase and the Chasers (to quote Seth Green), and Vince is a huge Ramones fan. Hmm… wouldn’t have noticed that, with all the hip hop these boys listen to. Maybe because that’s the ONLY thing they listen to. Well, what if Bob were to tell Eric that there was a script lying around his house about the Ramones, is that something Eric would be interested in? IF he can read it in the car on his way home, Eric would be interested in anything. Especially, a new Lord of the Rings movie in which Samwise was the star.

Turtle and Drama are still having no luck with the door to door Saigon search. Just as they are about to give up, they see a cavalcade of rap video hos heading up on the elevator. And where there are rap video hos there are rap video artists! Drama & Turtle follow the ladies to a hotel room party where a mountainous man is guarding the door. Turtle and Drama charm there way in, and low and behold there is Saigon. Saigon takes Turtle and Drama outside on the balcony to talk. It’s hysterical that everytime Drama opens his mouth Saigon yells at him. Saigon had already signed with another agent, one who was more Gangsta Rap friendly that the Maury Goldstein, Turtle signed him up with. Drama says it doesn’t matter, because he already signed papers with Turtle. When Saigon’s new, and decidedly scarier, manager enters the fold, Drama refuses to back down. This leads to a very amusing scene in which Drama is dangled over the balcony of the hotel, by some of Saigon’s new goons. Drama is alternately screaming about the pilot he’s shooting and his life, and only calms down when the manager recognizes him from Vision Quest. Nothing like a little validation right before you almost get murdered. This isn’t what Saigon wanted at all, so his new manager pays Turtle the $40,000 that he would’ve received from Saigon’s signing (after Turtle tries to shake him down a bit), and sends them on their way.

Vince is making the goo goo eyes at his latest conquest, who can’t believe she just rode Aquaman’s wave of pleasure. Vince says he’d like to see her again tomorrow, but she just laughs. He doesn’t really like her, does he? Because, well, he was on her list. List you say? It seems that she’s getting married and Vincent Chase was on her list of celebrities that she was allowed to sleep with. Vince is kind of taken aback by this. Who would have thought that a plotline from Friends could ever come back to haunt anyone other than David Schwimmer?

The Ramones script is great. Eric hasn’t been this excited since the last Dungeons & Dragons update. He wonders how this movie could have never been made. It seems there was a deal in place, but then Oliver Stone made The Doors, because Jim Morrison was conveniently dead. Now that Joey Ramone is dead, there’s a really good angle for the film. Bob & Eric pick up Vince, who’s a big fan of Bob Ryan and his work. They head over to Ari’s drop and drop the script in his lap. Apparently Everybody wants to be sedated.