“Hey Turtle, can I borrow $20 bucks?”

Let’s first take a moment to thank God for the first Dom-free episode of Entourage in 3 weeks. I didn’t realize just how much the big lug weighed down the dynamic of our boys until he was gone (best comment about Dom definitely comes from RealityMonkey: “Dom, the Yankees called. They want their stereotypical fan back”). But Dom wasn’t the only problem Vince, Eric and Ari were facing: last week, the bombshell was dropped that Warner Bros. had greenlit the start date for the sequel to uber-successful Aquaman to begin on the same day as Vince’s dream project, the Pablo Escobar biopic Medellin (sorry about the massive misspelling last week). What does this mean for Vinnie? Will he not get something he wants?!?! Oh no! But things aren’t all messy start dates and contract disputes. Someone else is having a very nice upswing, and for once it’s not Vince or Eric. Let’s just say his name sounds a lot like Curdle. Vince is still riding high from Aquaman’s boffo box office, so it’s no surprise that at the beginning of this episode we see Eric test driving an Aston Martin while on the phone with Ari. Eric and Ari are still trying to work out a way for Vince to be able to do his dream project Medellin AND satisfy the bosses at Warner Bros. by checking into his purple green Aquaman suit for the sequel. I wish I had Vince’s problems. All they need to do is set up a meeting with the big boss man at Warner Bros. and get A2 pushed back 90 days. No sweat.

Ari is leaving his house and sees a car blocking his driveway, and I know it’s going to be a good episode because we’re going to be spending some time with Ari on the homestead. Little shitbad Max, Ari’s next door neighbor, his daughter’s potential deflowerer and the biggest thing in teen stars since Corey and Corey, has left one of his cars in front of Ari’s driveway blocking him in and Ari is none too pleased. He knocks on the door and Max answers apologizing for the error, in that lovable smartass way that only a teen star can affect. Ari needs an adult because if he is going to punch someone it might as well be an fully developed human being. Max says that he can call his agent or housekeeper to complain, but Ari just tells him to stay away from his daughter. Doomed teenage romances are the best.

So Eric likes the car. No shit, it’s an Aston Martin. If it’s good enough for 007 I’m pretty sure t’s good enough for a pizza delviery boy from Queens. Drama will also partake in an Aston Martin; He’ll take the blue one. Eric doth protest too much, and tells Vince that he really doesn’t have to get them all matching cars. But Vince, ever the pop culture syphon, just calls them his super friends, and I love it. Turtle however is getting something even better than a car. Turtle starts looking for a the Japanese prostitute, but instead, Vince made a call to big time LA hip-hop DJ Big Boi, and has gotten Saigon, Turtle’s discovered car thief/rapper from last season, his first radio airplay. Turtle is a little disappointed that he won’t be getting his own personal geisha, but he thanks Vince for helping him out. Awkward pause. What, no car? Turtle is just like me when I was a kid. If my mom took me to the movies, I’d want to go to lunch. If she took me to lunch, I’d want ice cream. Never happy. But of course Turtle gets the car and the rapdly growing career. And I’m still waiting on that ice cream, Mom. Any minute now… Vince and hs posse (who uses the word posse, anymore?) get to the meeting at Warner Bros., and Turtle’s cell phone has been blowing up the entire time with calls from people freaking out about Saigon. Turtle needs help. Turtle NEEDS Ari Gold.

At the meeting Vince is told how wonderful he is by the suits, and just to show him that he is now part of the Warner Bros. family, they pass himan envelope with a million dollar bonus, which is not unlike the bonuses that we get from B-Side and J-Unit when we get 30 comments or more on a recap.

MEET THE NEW FACE OF EVIL

You can tell Ari is really nervous about the meeting because he hasn’t said anything obnoxious or mildly nappropriate as yet. Vince starts to tell them about the passion project that he has going on, Medellin, and Ari keeps interrupting. They think the project is great and Vince would be great in it, but what can they do? All Vince needs to get this movie made is a 90 day window to shoot the film with Paul Haggis. Can it be done? The big boss man can’t give Vince 90 days but he can probably swing 65 days, which doesn’t make Vince or Eric feel any better. What the hell is 65 days going to give them, they wonder? Ari, making some good points this episode, says that the studo didn’t even need to give them the 65 days, AND Paul Haggis comes from TV, he’s used to a crazy fast-paced schedule. It can be done, now all they have to do is get Haggis to agree to the shorter shoot.

Before Ari can leave completely unscathed, Vince tells him about Turte’s Saigon issue. Turtle wants to talk. ari tells him to start talking, but NO, Turtle wants a sitdown, somewhere nice and public where people can get a good glimse of Turtle in his finest Velour jumpsuit chatting it up with Ari. Ari suggest Equinox for Triple Berry Soothies, but Turtle wants Spago. Ari agrees, but Turtle can’t wear a sweatsuit, which means guess he’ll be going to lunch in his bathing suit and a wife beater, cause I’m not really sure he has much else to wear.

T to tha URTLE MOFO!

Ari’s problems, however, are far from over. After reading Kevin Federline’s new book on how to be a great dad, ari was inspired to have his maid spy on his 14 year old daughter Sarah, to ensure that she and Max were having no communication with one another whatsoever. Hasn’t the music of JoJo taught you anything Ari? You can’t keep young love from blossoming! It seems as though, there is some grat plan afoot for Sarah to join Max on his boat. Sarah even went so far to lie to her beloved maid about the plans and who they were with. This smells like trouble, and some good material for Ari’s daughter to use if ever auditioning for the sequel to Thirteen. Even scarier is the fact that when Mrs. Ari walks in on the phone conversation and asks the maid who she’s talking to the maid lies to her. Why is it scary? Because I think Mrs. Ari would not only kill her maid, but her entire family in El Salvador if she finds out that she was lied to. And THAT is why I love Mrs. Ari.

When the boys get home, Drama gets out of the car with his full pout on. Why does Turtle get a sit down with Ari and not him! You have to believe that Kevin Dillon has had that face down pat for years, right? All Drama wants is a chance to have a real conversation with Ari about his career, and Vince promises to call him, but he can’t make his agent represent his brother. Something else I’m sure that K. Dil, has heard more than once in his life. Poor guy. Turtle is ready for his meeting/man date with Ari, and is pissed off because now he has to share it with Drama. Drama, however, reminds Turtle, and all of us as a matter of fact, that none of the guys would be out there if it wasn’t for him. And Turtle, always one to speak the truth, correctly reminds Drama that none of them would have ever been able to STAY there if it wasn’t for Vince. Drama doesn’t care much for “logic” so he just calls shotgun on the meeting. He goes first. Not if Turtle beats him there!

Ari is sitting in Spago waiting for his meeting from hell, and calls his daughter. He hears something about a boat trip in her future, but Sarah just reassures Ari that it’s a Math Club meeting for really smart kids. Ari, never missing an opportunity to be an asshole, even to his own daughter, tells her the kids going on this trip might not be smart enough. How does he know! Ahh, Sarah, a father always knows when his daughter is lying to him. And he’s been monitoring his phone calls and e-mails since she got her first period. Sarah doesn’t care if he does know! Ari won’t be able to keep them apart! She loves him! I think Ariel and King Tritan had this same fight over Prince Eric. And if the Little Mermaid taught us anything Ari, it’s that one day all fathers must let go of their little girls. Well, that and that animated mermaids are hot.

Their meeting starts, and Ari has the same dead look in his eyes I do whenever I hear the words: “Star Jones”, as Turtle is still getting inundated with phone calls about Saigon. Turtle has get a two phase plan: Phase one is to distribute the 500 CDs he has pressed and ready in his car. Phase two, and this is where Ari comes in, is to get in a room with a unch of A&R guys to get Saigon some deals. Turtle needs help handling the suits, since, as we’ve learned the only sui Turtle is comforrable in says NIke on the tag.

Ari says yes, half to shut Turtle up. Then Drama revs up on a speech about dreaming his whole life to e an actor. It’s actually hysterical, because not even a minute into the spiel, Ari agrees to rep him, as long as this meeting can be over and never spoken of again.

At the other meeting across town Vince and Eric aren’t having as much luck with Paul Haggis. He can’t trim his shoot down by 25 days. The only way to do it is if they cut all of Vince’s great scenes of the movie, which obviously won’t work. Come on, Paul, can’t you just shoot the movie faster? How long did it take to shoot Crash, Eric wants to know. Umm, 25 mnutes by the looks of it! Oh snap! I don’t know why I just said that… I liked Crash (best movie of the year… I don’t know about that one). Anyway, Vince is in a bind, and he desperately wants to make Medellin, but he’s under contract. Paul Haggis gently reminds them, that if he let contracts run his life, he’d still be working on the Facts of Life and Nancy McKeon’s bangs.

Ari is going to his office when he bumps into Penny Marshall in the parking garage. I love Penny Marshall, because she’s the only living person who sounds and acts like a stroke victim, when she in fact, is completely healthy. Penny was just in Ari’s office meeting with Jimmy Whitaker, from the ARI GOULD SUPER DUPER TALENT AGENCY’S new child division for the Encyclopedia Brown franchise that she is working on, which is shooting on location in Kazakhstan. I have a geekattack and think about how much I used to love those books and the HBO specials that used to be on – and Ari has a dadattack because he sees an opportunity to get that bad seed Max from implanting his seed into his daughter. He tells Penn to forget Whitaker, Max is where it’s at. She’s heard bad things, like that he’s difficult and bares the mark of Satan on his skull, but Ari deems him “Dakota Fanning with a dick,” and Penny is sold.

“Don’t Make me Schlemiel your schlimazel Ari!”

Vince wants off Aquaman, because Haggis can’t pull of a shorter shoot. Vince is also really surprised that James Cameron is ready to hop in board to the sequel so soon. But, wait a second, Cameron isn’t attached to the sequel, only Vince. WHAT!?!?! Vince is shocked – he hasn’t even read a script yet! That’s because there is no script and when there is one, it will be written by the master wordsmith Kevn Smith. Vince can’t believe it; the studio is just rushing this thing out and he’s signed on for three Aquaman pictures. This is where I take a step back, and would normally complan that Vince is a whiny bitch. But today I’m just upset that he’s so stupid. How can you not know that this is how the system works. I get that this is kind of a satire of the whole Toby Maguire/Spider-Man 2 thing, but not knowing that James Cameron isn’t signed for the sequel and that he’ll have to make the movie, when and how the studio says? Any Variety reader, or hell, TVgasm reader, knows that is how things work in Hollywood. Vince, here’s some adivce: www.tvgasm.com. Anyway, Vince blames Ari for this whole debacle, but for once it’s not Ari’s fault. He promised Vince movie roles and glory and he got them for him, but he can’t help the scheduling conflicts. That’s out of even the great Ari Gold’s hands. Vince wants Medellin and he wants it now! But Ari tells Vince to just be a man about it – he gave his word to Warner Bros. and he needs to do the right thing. Vince decides to call Haggis and tell him he’s off Medellin.

“I Don’t want to be Aquaman anymore – and you can’t make me!!”

Although it took Turtle a little longer than he said it would, he came through and got Saigon on the radio. Saigon gives Turtle a token of his appreciation – a fake diamond encrusted license plate to wear around his neck. I’m confused because I can’t tell if he’s giving him this because he is happy with Turtle or because he’s pissed. But Turtle seems happy, so that’s good enough for me.

There is a knock on the door and it’s Paul Haggis who is all distraught about losing Vince on Medellin and who should also stick to working behind the cameras. So Turtle, Saigon, a couple of his lackeys, Academy Award Winner Paul Haggis, Johnny Drama, Eric and Vince Chase sit around drinking, smoking and brainstorming about how to get Vince into both of these movies. I can’t help but think, watching these guys talk about all the possibilities that if the UN would just operate the same way, there would’ve been world peace a long time ago. Eric has an idea, but he’s not sure if it’s a good one. He’s either retarded or baked out of his mind, but I think it’s a little of both. Paul wants Vince to gain like 70 pounds to play Escobar in his later life in Medellin but he wants him to be skinny for the yonger years. Why don’t they just shoot the young version now, while Vince is skinny, and then shoot the other half after Aquaman 2 shoots and they have 65 days and Vince has packed on the pounds. Yet again, an area Turtle can be effective in.

The next day, Eric calls Ari to tell him the good news, and to set up a dinner at the Palms with Alan from Warner Bros. to say thank you for all the scheduling help. Ari then gets on the phone with Turtle and tells him that he’s set up meetings with Atlantic Records to talk about Saigon. Turtle is stoked, and a little scared – “his life is about to change.” I can just see next season and Vince driving Turtle around to drug deals and ho runs. Sounds pretty good to me.

Ari stops by at home really quick before the dinner meeting with Alan and Vince, and Sarah storms by him in a whirlwind of 14 year old girl angst that would be Angela Chase to shame. Is she mad at me? No, she’s mad at Max because he took a movie that’ll take him out of the country for a few months. Mrs. Ari puts two and two together and realizes that Ari had everything to do with protecting their daughter’s carnal treasure. She is pleased, but not pleased enough to give him the pre-meeting blowjob he asked for. Bitch.

Vince, Eric and Alan are sitting to dinner, with Drama and Turtle at a nearby table celebrating Turtle’s new victory (on Vince’s tab, I’m sure). Alan tells the boys that once upon a time Medellin was in developent at Warner Bros. but they couldn’t make it happen. In fact, Alan never thought they’d be able to get the movie done, and now that they have, he’s going to have to pull the plug on it. He can’t have the star of his billion dollar franchise doing blow on thousands of screens across the country. Sorry, Vince, it’s not personal, it’s just business. Vince doesn’t take that too well, and says that’s fine. Then he wants $20 million to do Aquaman 2 or he quits.

I believe the word you are looking for there, Ari, is: Oy!

The plot has definitely thickened, and again, I love that they are making things a little difficult for Vinnie. I can safely say that I have no idea what will happen – will Vince get taken off Aquaman 2? Will he lose Medellin? Will he never eat lunch in this town again? I can’t wait to find out…