The Rise & Fall of Ari Gold

So closes another season of Entourage. Sure, this recap is a little late, but you know what, this show is not so easy to recap. I thought 30 minutes of well-scripted Hollywood satire would be a breeze. Much like the Jewish stingray who mistook Steve Irwin for Mel Gibson, I couldn’t have been more wrong (that one’s for you EdHill). The show is so well-written and satirical that it’s nearly impossible to wring anything out of it other than a recap for recap’s sake. Sure a few Lloyd Gaysian jokes, Drama’s a schmuck jokes and Eric’s a Hobbit jokes make a tasty side salad of snark, but not the surf & turf of delight that SkeleHatcher and Nicolette Sheridan’s testicles bring to the table when recapping Desperate Housewives. Oh well… I’ve made my bed, and now I lie in it, but like so many one night stands that seemingly won’t end, the figurative girl from the bar has finally fallen back asleep, and I can sneak out the bathroom window (this is the season finale! No more recaps!). At least until she finds my wallet that I drunkenly left on the night stand and tracks me down because I’ve stolen her MetroCard and $20.00 out of her bag (see you in January when the show comes back!). Now let’s see how this bitch’s last bang of the night rates on Umnata’s Ho scale (on to the recap)! Oh how I miss college (I’m old)…Eric wakes up this morning, and he’s acting surprised to see Vince standing over him, staring at him with those big, soulful eyes. I just don’t buy this is the first time that has happened. Vince can’t sleep because he’s been up all night thinking about his strange feelings for Eric. Oh. And he thinks he should fire Ari.

Meanwhile, Ari wakes up in one of those cold, sweat panics that only television characters and coke addicts get when having a bad dream. He can sense it: He’s getting fired today.

Back at the manse, Eric says the only relevant thing he’s spouted all season. HIs reaction to Vince’s quandry about Ari: “Put a bullet in him.” There’s been no love lost between Eric and Ari that’s for sure, so I’m glad to see him ready to just cut ties without any remorse. Maybe you’ll make it back to the Shire just yet, young Hobbit. It seems that since Ari’s underhanded treatment of legendary producer, Bob Ryan, led to the ousting of Vince from The Ramones biopic, I Wanna Be Sedated, he was attached to, Vinnie finally has an opinion on something. And that something is the future of the Ari Goldmember in Vince’s career. Turtle agrees with Eric, but Drama is the sole voice of reason, thinking they should look before they leap. He makes some analogy about Herpes that works about as well as my one night stand analogy above, so I didn’t even try to follow it, but the gist was that they should check out what the other agents in town have to offer before they go firing Ari. Smart move Drama. What’s not surprising is that Vince wants to just fire Ari and be done with it. Because he doesn’t think. Because he’s a moron. I hate Vince, almost as much as I hate, Eric.

At the office, Lloyd is intercepting calls from Vince (himself!) to Ari using excuses as varied as Ari having a wart to remove from his cock. I used that one to get out of writing this recap, but that B-Side, he’s such a stickler. Ari knows the way back into Vince’s vacant heart is to get studio head Alan Grey to put Vince back on the Ramones project. You see, Alan bought just to spite Vince after a falling out over Vince’s proposed follow-up to Aquaman, the drug-laced Medellin, which Alan didn’t think was an appropriate vehicle for the lead of his new huge franchise, the aforementioned, Aquaman. Get all that? No? Then you’re probably not reading this recap in the first place.

Shockingly, Alan gets back to Ari saying that he’ll meet with him at 10:30 am. Uh Oh! It’s already 10:10 am! Good thing Ari’s been working out cause he races across town to make the meeting on time.

Meanwhile, the guys have decided to meet with a few agents before putting Ari down like the dog that he is. Johnny brings out a huge bowl of Agents cards he’s been collecting since his brother Matt, err, Vince starred in The Flamingo Kid, I mean, Head On. They start picking obsolete names – I really thought one of them was going to pick Michael Ovitz until Eric has had enough, and starts calling the major agencies in town.

Ari makes it to the Valley in 18 minutes flat, which seems miraculous, because yesterday it took me 90 minutes to get 10 blocks in New York City. Damn you LA! Alan is clearly on the defensive from the beginning of the meeting, mostly because he doesn’t want his creators to see him slip and act even remotely human. Dude is scary. Ari, for the first time, stands up for himself to the Evil Suit, asking Alan why he’s pissed off at Ari. Ari has a point, he might be a completely morally bankrupt, cocksucking bastard, but in this PARTICULAR case he was doing all he could to mend the fences between Vince and Alan. But Alan doesn’t care, because he’s a robot and robot’s don’t have feelings (except for Katie Couric, it seems). Alan tells Ari that Jake Gyllenhaal will be GREAT as Joey Ramone and he’s making an even better Aquaman than Vince did. God, I hope they can get Jake to do a guest spot on this show next season. Seth Green is to Eric as Jake Gyllenhaal is Vince – I love SAT based humor! Dana, Ari’s ex-blowjob partner and Alan’s right hand beyotch, chimes in defending Vince, but Alan tells her to take notes not give opinions. Mmm. Misogyny. Alan needs to set up his robot support group with Rosie and the Viki from Small Wonder, so he announces the meeting is over. Ari, ever the gentleman, showing grace in defeat, decides to take this opportunity to remind Alan of his 3 ex-wives. It was one small penis joke away from being truly the height of passive aggressive.

The boys are starting their agency shopping, with Drama making suggestions as to the point system he uses to rate prospective Talent Agencies: Décor, ambience, service and amenities. This system used to be in place for Day Spas (and, I have the nagging feeling, prostitutes), but Drama started using it on agencies, since he ended up going through more agents then he did massages. When they get to the first office, Vince and Eric sit through a meeting with over a dozen agents all of whom will work FOR Vince. It’s all somewhat cold, robotic and, quite frankly, scary. It’s like an unmade Stepford Wives Sequel, set in the fast paced world of Talent Agencies. Cue the cheesy pitch video. The lights dim and the room falls silent as the image of a Mercedes pops up on the screen. Next Coca-Cola. Two of the most recognizable brands in the world. Lastly, a picture of Vince. They’re going to make him the NEXT world recognized brand. Don’t worry, Eric and Vince think it’s as lame as we do.

Lloyd is updating Ari on the Vince situation, which now has morphed into numerous calls and even a few e-mails. Ari shares my sentiment when he says that he didn’t even think Vince knew how to turn on a computer. Lloyd has some other bad news for Ari but doesn’t want to say, which gives Ari the best line of the night: “Speak or I will intern you like its 1942!” How delightfully offense! Lloyd protests that he is not, in fact, Japanese, but Ari won’t hear of it, so Lloyd spills the beans. It seems that Vince has been meeting with other agents all over town. Lloyd knows this because ever since the “Gay Mafia” was outed (see Michael Ovitz comment above) they have been replaced by the Gay Assistants Corps. Ari can’t believe that Vince would humiliate him in public like this, which is a good point. I don’t like the lack of loyalty that Vince is showing, but I suppose that Ari’s recent behavior has kind of tied his hands in that department. How’s that for flip flopping?

Dana catches up with Ari in the parking lot after the meeting, and Ari makes some kind of horrible comment about only liking to hear what Dana is saying when her mouth is full. Dana retorts with “Is that nice?” which I find wildly amusing; it’s so simple, yet so true. Ari takes a moment from this conversation with Dana to impersonate Eric and cancel Vince’s next meeting. Apparently Ari doesn’t recall that it’s moves like that which got him in this position in the first place. Dana hates Alan, hates her job, but loves Vince and loves him for I Wanna Be Sedated. Ari doesn’t think it matters, because Bob Ryan already gave the script to Alan. But ’tis not the case. Alan and Bob are still working out a contract, after which, Alan will lock the script in a drawer forever. He has no intention of making the movie, only of screwing over Vince. That must be the greatest drawer ever though right? All those unmade scripts: Grease 3: Sandy vs. Stephanie Zenoni, The Lindsay Lohan Story (Production Start Date 2009), Untitled Hitler and Mother Teresa Love Story. Dana wants to be a producer on the picture, but Ari can’t tell anyone that he got his Intel from her or else she’ll lose her job. Don’t worry, Dana. If Ari is anything he’s trustworthy. Oh no, that’s not right. If he’s anything he’s an asshole. He’s actually not trustworthy at all. Good luck with that Dana!

Leaving the first agency, the boys are unimpressed, especially Turtle, who was disappointed that none of the girls at the office offered him a blowjob just for being close in proximity to Turtle. Poor guy. They get to the restaurant for their lunch meeting, which has been duplicitously cancelled by Ari. They put two and two together, and realize that Ari is behind the whole thing, only fueling their fire. Ari has just essentially cock blocked Vince, for which he earns Drama’s praise: “He might be a dirty, sweaty, scumbag, but he’s good.” Vengeance will be Vince’s though, as their next meeting is with Josh Weinstein, Ari’s arch nemesis.

Ari, realizing that he’s going to have to finally just eat shit, goes over to Bob Ryan’s to beg him not to sign his contract with Alan. Bob doesn’t want to have anything to do with Ari, but when Ari starts to layout the outline for Alan’s plan for I Wanna Be Sedated, Bob’s interest is piqued, although he needs proof. Ari is forced to give up Dana as his source for the information, and it seems that Bob is back on Team Vince.

Josh first order of business is to let Turtle know that all his assistants love to fuck – its part of the interview process. It’s also part of the TVgasm interview process, but my therapist doesn’t think I should talk about it until I’m ready. In the meeting room, Vince and Eric are optimistic, until the lights dim again, and they see Apple. Canon. Vince. Ugh. Next!

Ari is back in the office dancing up a storm of happiness. Lloyd is wary however, is this joy or will it turn on Lloyd at any minute. Honestly, probably a little of both. Anyone else feeling all the Lloyd in this episode? Most delightful Gaysian in town, as far as I’m concerned. We get a little insight into what Vince means to Ari, as he tells Lloyd that Vince is his first love – his baby. He discovered Vince, nurtured him, and grew him into a star. It means a lot to Ari, which makes sense when put in that kind of context. That moment of tranquility doesn’t last long, as a verrrry angry Dana calls Ari to inform him that she was just fired. Apparently, Bob went back to Alan and blew the whistle on the whole evil alliance Dana and Ari had created to bring Classic Punk to the Silver Screen. Ari defends himself by saying he had to tell Bob about the leak from Dana, or he wouldn’t have believed him. Well it seems he believed Ari, he just didn’t care. Dana informs Ari that he has one day to get her a new job, which I hope is at Miller-Gold Talent Agency, because I like Dana. Anyone who is willing to scream rape so she can have more time to clean out her office, is okay by me.

After a fruitless day of combing the Angeles for a suitable Ari replacement, the boys are discouraged. Maybe Vince should just go without an agent? Yeah, that seems like a smart idea. My big problem here is that I don’t believe that anyone would even want to rep Vince? He bailed last minute on one of the most succesful franchises ever, halted the releases of Queens Blvd. and is persona non gratis with one of the biggest movie studios in the world. I don’t think every agency in town would be pulling out all the stops to work with someone who, at this point is, “difficult.”

Ari calls Bob to ask him what the hell happened, and Bob, sadly, informs Ari that he doesn’t know if he made the right decision, but he made it none the less. Making movies in this town is no longer fun for Bob. Everything has changed, and he doesn’t like it – he’s “over this town.” It’s a really poignant, quietly powerful scene that leads me to wonder if they’ve already engraved Martin Landau’s Guest Actor in a Comedy Series Emmy for 2007?

Ari is now completely defeated: “What’s it like to take it in the ass, Lloyd.” What comes next is more shocking than anything that will happen on Lost this season… “I don’t know Ari… I’m a top.” WHAT?!?!?! You mean to say that when Lloyd is plugging away he’s the man? Look, I’m not the manliest man around, but I gotta think to be the bun in a Lloyd-Salami sandwich you’ve got to be about as close to a woman as you can get without menstruating. I can’t wait until we see one of Lloyd’s boyfriends end up being some big, hunky football player. Sterotypes rule!

After Ari is resurrected from shock, he is given Lloyd’s patented season finale “you’re not a loser, you’re Ari F-ing Gold” pep talk. Ari is ready to throw in the towel and call back Vince, but Lloyd won’t let him. Ari is inspired, and probably aroused by this, and he gets pumped to “prepare for battle.”

Ari and Vince finally get in touch and set up a meeting at the office in 20 minutes. Is everything in the Angeles 20 minutes away? I was under the impression that nothing was. Finally, Drama comes out and says that he thinks it’s a mistake to let Ari go. All agents are pretty much the same – at least Ari is the “Best in Breed.” The guys are easily shaken, by this, and start thinking about the fact that Ari’s a friend and he’s been with Vince from the beginning. The scene is about half a beat away from Rose and Blanche coming in with a cheesecake, and a full-on flashback sequence. Now all Vince wants is a face-to-face apology with the guy. Ugh. This kid and his “principles.”

When they get to Miller-Gold, there is another huge meeting waiting for Vince, which is eerily similar to every other meeting they’ve sat through today. Ari reminds Vince that they are ALL 100% committed to Vince. Vince isn’t interested, though – he just wants to talk to Ari for a few minutes. But then… the lights dim… Microsoft. McDonald’s. Vincent Chase.

That pretty much seals it for Vince and Eric who leave the room, calling Ari pathetic. They really did think that Ari was different. When all they wanted was a heartfelt apology, Ari gave them the same bullshit pitch everyone else tried to blow up their asses. Ari defends himself, by telling them that he was running all over town trying to get his movie back, but nothing worked. Little does Ari know it’s not really about the movie; it’s about owning up to his mistakes. Vince asks for his apology, and to Ari’s defense, he does supply it rather sincerely. But it’s not enough. Eric is the one to say the words: “Ari, you’re fired. Let’s roll.”

Interesting that Eric was the one who said the words? Well, interesting or typical, I guess. What’d you think of the finale? How will Vince’s career fair without Ari? Until the winter…